Mud and Gold

by Shayne Parkinson

  ‘Of course, dear—I’ll take him home with me, if you like.’

  ‘No, don’t do that. He’s in a mood, you’ve got enough to do without putting up with his sulks. Susannah will just send him off with Pa and the boys, he’ll like that. Mal, I want you to go with Aunt Edie.’

  ‘No,’ said Malcolm.

  Persuasion seemed more likely to succeed than coercion. ‘Aunt Edie will give you a ride on her horse. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? He’s mad on horses,’ she explained to Edie.

  Malcolm weighed up the offer. ‘Can we go fast?’

  Edie laughed. ‘We’ll have a go, Mal. I’ve ridden more in the last couple of weeks than I have in years—it just about killed me the first day or so. Oh, Amy, see if you can get a bit of food into Frank while you’re there, too. I made him some lunch, but I bet he’s left it. You’ll have to stand over him like you would a child to make him eat it. Poor boy, he’s beside himself over Lizzie.’

  Amy hoisted Malcolm in front of Edie and waved them off, then went inside to get ready. She wanted to leave quickly; because she knew she was needed, but also so as not to give her courage time to fail.

  She took a scrap of brown paper that had been wrapped around a tin of baking powder and flattened out the creases, then wrote a quick note on it:

  ‘Charlie,’ (Dear would have been too blatant a lie) ‘I have gone to Lizzie’s for the afternoon to help look after her. Mal is at Pa’s and I have the babies with me. I’ll be back in time to make dinner.’ She hesitated for a moment, then added, ‘I’m sorry,’ before signing the note with a simple ‘Amy’.

  ‘I’ll be a lot sorrier when your Papa’s finished with me,’ she told an oblivious David, who chortled away as she put a warm coat on over his gown. ‘Well, it can’t be helped. I’ve got to go.’ David crawled around by her feet while she wrapped Joey warmly for the journey and thought over just how she was going to carry the two children down the valley.

  Amy improvised a carrying sling for Joey from a length of old sheet that had been consigned to her rag bag. She hoisted David onto one hip and set off down the road.

  The mile or so to Frank’s house had never seemed so long. Amy’s arms were aching well before she got there. She sighed with relief when she walked into the kitchen and let David slide to the floor. There was no sign of Frank, though she saw the pan of chops Edie had left for him lying untouched on one side of the range close to a pot of soup. Amy decided he must be out working somewhere on the farm.

  ‘You can walk for yourself now we’re inside, Davie,’ Amy said. ‘I’ve carried you far enough. You’re such a heavy boy!’ She kept hold of his hand and steadied his tottering steps as they slowly went up the passage to the bedroom.

  Amy walked through the open bedroom door and stopped in her tracks. Frank was sitting on a chair beside the bed, close to where Lizzie lay pale and still, the slight rise and fall of the blankets over her chest the only sign of life. He held her limp hand in both of his while tears flowed unchecked down his face.

  She hesitated in the doorway, unsure whether to speak or to slip away quietly, till David broke the silence with a burst of childish babble. Frank turned an unseeing face to them, then rubbed his sleeve over his eyes to clear them of the tears blinding him.

  ‘Amy?’ he said, sounding confused. ‘I didn’t know you were coming.’

  ‘Aunt Edie asked me to, Frank.’

  ‘Did she? Maybe she told me, I don’t remember. Hey, you’ve brought Joey with you,’ he said, a tiny look of animation softening the naked grief that twisted his face. ‘Look, Lizzie, Joey’s here.’ He turned back to Lizzie and stroked her unresponsive cheek.

  Amy walked closer to the bed. ‘She can’t hear you,’ she said gently.

  ‘I know. I just sort of hope she can, you know? I don’t want to treat her like she’s… like she’s…’ He trailed off, unwilling to voice the thought.

  He loves her so much that he can’t bear the thought of losing her. Amy stood in silence for a few moments before she could bring herself to speak. ‘I need to do a few things for her, Frank,’ she said at last. ‘She’ll need washing and things.’

  Frank let go of Lizzie’s hand and stood up. ‘I know, you want me to get out. Edie always shoos me out of the way when she’s looking after Lizzie.’

  ‘It’s not that you’re in the way. It’s just that… well, I’ll need to…’

  ‘You have to take her clothes off, and you don’t want me around. Don’t hurt her, eh, Amy?’

  ‘I don’t think she can feel anything. Have you given her any laudanum this afternoon?’

  Frank shook his head. ‘Edie gave her a dose before she left, that’s why she’s lying so still now. I can’t bear to give it to her. I want her to have it so nothing hurts her, but I hate the way it makes her look as though she’s… as though she’s dead.’

  ‘Frank, you mustn’t think that! She’s asleep, that’s all.’

  ‘No,’ Frank said wistfully. ‘Lizzie’s not like that when she’s asleep. She wriggles and makes little snuffly noises, and she pushes against you till she’s lying in the middle of the bed.’

  ‘I know,’ Amy said. ‘She used to push me right out of bed sometimes when we were little.’

  ‘Did she?’ For the first time the ghost of a smile passed over Frank’s face. ‘She hasn’t done that to me yet. It’s a good thing I’m a bit bigger than her, eh?’ The ravaged look came over his face once more as he stared at Lizzie. ‘I wish she’d get better,’ he murmured. ‘She looks so awful. See how thin she’s got? And Edie cut her hair off. All that pretty yellow hair. She said it would drain Lizzie’s strength if she didn’t cut it off.’

  Amy stood beside him and looked down at Lizzie’s pale face. Its usual soft covering of flesh had been honed away so that Lizzie’s cheekbones, which had always been invisible, were now prominent. ‘She’ll put on some weight when she’s well again,’ she said, trying to sound far more confident than she felt. ‘It’s because it’s so hard to get any food into her. I’ll try and give her some soup when I’ve finished washing her. Where can I put Joey while I’m looking after Lizzie? He’s sound asleep, the good little chap.’

  Frank dragged his attention back to her. ‘The cradle’s just… where’s it gone?’

  ‘I’ve got it at home, Frank. Joey’s staying with me, remember?’

  ‘Oh, yes, I forgot for a minute. It’s been really quiet without him and Maudie around the place. I’ll put him on my bed. I’m back in my old room now. It’s like before I had Lizzie.’ He reached out for Joey, and Amy laid the sleeping child in his arms.

  As soon as Frank had gone out, she closed the door behind him and got on with the task of washing Lizzie. David, unaware of the tribulation around him, crawled about on the floor of the unfamiliar room. Edie had wrapped lengths of cloth around Lizzie’s middle like a loose napkin. Amy undid them, washed the soiled flesh underneath, then replaced the cloths with clean ones. She sponged Lizzie all over and dried her carefully with a towel, and smoothed the short hair that framed her face. Through it all Lizzie lay limp and unknowing, her shallow breathing only slightly disturbed by Amy’s interference with her body.

  When she had finished, Amy gathered David up from the floor and went out to the kitchen. Frank was sitting at the table with his gaze turned inwards. He did not look up at Amy’s approach.

  ‘I’ll dish you up some of this lunch, shall I?’ Amy said, lifting the lid off a pot of boiled potatoes.

  ‘What? Oh, no thanks. I’ve had lunch.’

  ‘No, you haven’t, Frank,’ Amy said gently. ‘I can see you haven’t eaten any of this.’ She loaded a plate with chops and vegetables and put it in front of him. ‘Come on, now, eat up.’

  ‘You sound like Lizzie,’ Frank said, taking up his knife and fork.

  ‘You need to keep your strength up, you know. Lizzie wouldn’t want you missing your meals.’ Amy put a little soup into a bowl and took it to the bedroom, where she managed to slip a few spoonfuls into
Lizzie. It took her some time, pausing between each mouthful to make sure Lizzie did not choke, but when she went back out to the kitchen, leaving the bowl of soup by the bed, Frank’s plate was still almost full.

  ‘Frank, you’ve hardly touched that food.’

  ‘I’ve had a bit.’

  Amy sighed and sat down beside him. ‘I’m going to sit and watch you till you’ve eaten that,’ she said, remembering her aunt’s words. Under her watchful gaze Frank began eating more diligently, and it did not take him long to finish the meal.

  ‘That’s better, isn’t it? I’ll wash these few dishes, then I’ll give the floor a wash.’

  ‘I’ll go out and do some work in a minute,’ Frank said, but he made no move to rise. ‘I can’t understand how she got sick so fast,’ he said, his brow furrowed. ‘The doctor said she would have been having pains before she got really crook, but she can’t have. She got those little cramps for a bit, but she stopped saying anything about it, so they must have come right. How did it happen so fast? Doctor Wallace was so sure it must have been hurting her for ages. Maybe he’s wrong about what she’s got. Maybe she’s got something worse.’ He looked dangerously close to tears again.

  ‘No, Frank, I’m sure that’s not it,’ Amy said. ‘The doctor’s right, she’s got something infected inside her.’

  ‘Then why didn’t it hurt her before that day?’

  Amy thought for a moment before speaking. Lizzie had said she wasn’t to tell Frank about those stomach aches, but Lizzie’s illness was no secret now. Frank was so worried, it seemed the kindest thing to tell him the whole truth.

  ‘Lizzie knew she was sick weeks and weeks ago. She didn’t know how bad it was, though. She kept getting awful stomach aches, but she thought it’d get better by itself.’

  Frank turned to her in shock. ‘She knew?’ he echoed. ‘But… but why didn’t she tell me? Why did she keep quiet about it? I would have taken her to the doctor.’

  ‘She didn’t want to upset you. She knew you were worried about… about things.’ She had said too much, she realised when Frank gave a start.

  ‘What do you mean, worried about “things”?’ he demanded. ‘What things?’

  ‘I…’ It was no use pretending, and against Amy’s nature to try. ‘Lizzie knew about the money. She found the letter from the bank. She didn’t want to ask for any money while you were so worried, so she just kept quiet about those stomach aches and hoped they’d go away.’

  Frank was staring at her, open-mouthed with shock. ‘You mean she was in pain for ages, but she kept quiet because of me? Because I’m such a useless bastard that I can’t even provide for my wife? Lizzie!’ he cried. He slammed his fists onto the table so hard that his plate fell to the floor, breaking in two where it landed.

  ‘Frank, stop it,’ Amy said in alarm. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you.’

  ‘When I asked for her Arthur wanted to know if I could provide for her,’ Frank railed against himself. ‘Oh, yes, I was so sure I could! Provide for her? I bet she’s been half starving herself to save money. I didn’t even have the brains to see she was sick. Arthur never should have let me have her. He should have kept her at home where she was safe. Now she’s going to die, and it’s my fault! It’s all because I’ve been such a lazy, good-for-nothing bastard!’

  ‘She’s not! You mustn’t say such things. Lizzie’s going to get better, you’ll see. Frank, you mustn’t blame yourself like that. You’ve made Lizzie so happy. She’s wanted to marry you since she was fourteen, it’s all she’s ever really wanted. She’s not going to die, Frank!’ Amy took hold of his hands in hers and held them tightly. ‘We won’t let her. We’re going to look after her, and she’s going to get better.’ She held Frank’s hands until she felt him relax a little.

  ‘Let’s start now,’ she said. ‘I hardly got any soup into her before, she might take it better from you. Come on.’ She led Frank by the hand up to the bedroom and sat him beside the bed. Frank propped Lizzie’s pillow a little higher, and Amy showed him how to spoon the soup carefully into Lizzie’s mouth. ‘There, you see?’ she said triumphantly. ‘She is taking it better from you. You can tell Aunt Edie you want to feed her from now on.’

  ‘Yes, I will,’ Frank said quietly. He stroked Lizzie’s face. ‘I’m going to look after her. I’m going to look after Lizzie properly from now on.’

  She left him in the bedroom and finished doing the cleaning, then gathered up a still-sleeping Joey and slipped him back into the sling, picked up David, and left the house without disturbing Frank to say goodbye.

  Frank loves Lizzie so much, she thought as she began the long, weary trudge. She mustn’t die! It would be such a waste. It would just about kill Frank if he lost her. I never knew anyone could love another person as much as he does. Amy could not help but wonder how Charlie would react if it was her lying ill instead of Lizzie. He would be worried about how he would manage the house and the children, and about his loss of home comforts, but she could not imagine he would feel any grief. The tears that began to trickle down her face were only partly for Lizzie and Frank.

  David grew sleepy, and both babies dragged more heavily against her arms as she walked. Amy grew clumsy with tiredness, her feet stumbling against rocks on the road. Her right foot twisted on a large stone, almost making her lose her balance. She forced herself to pick out her way with more care. The day was bright although cold, and the glare soon made her head ache. Joey began to squirm, making her more uncomfortable than ever. She saw his mouth working, and knew he would soon demand to be fed.

  Amy was too absorbed in the necessity of putting one foot in front of the other even to think about what might be in store for her until she turned off the main valley road and up the track towards Charlie’s house. Then the memory of what she had done rushed in on her: she had left the property without permission. He had told her within two days of their marriage that she was never to do such a thing, and now she had broken the rule.

  For a few moments she let herself hope that perhaps Charlie might not yet be home; sometimes his visits to town lasted till late in the day. But that idea was dashed when she came near the horse paddock and saw Smokey grazing. So Charlie was home. Home and aware of her absence.

  He was standing in the doorway as Amy walked up to the porch. She stood at the foot of the steps and waited for him to speak.

  ‘So, you’re back,’ he said grimly. ‘You went out by yourself. You went out without asking me.’

  Weariness dragged at Amy. ‘Yes, I did. Can I come inside and settle the babies, please?’

  Charlie took a step back from the door to let her pass, then followed her through the kitchen and into their bedroom. His stick rested against one wall; Amy shuddered as she saw it. Joey was now whimpering with hunger; Amy was about to feed him when she remembered the rule about feeding David first. There was no sense getting in even more trouble, even though she could see that David was not at all hungry.

  She untied the sling and laid Joey on the bed, then undid her bodice and tried to coax David to take a nipple into his mouth. ‘I had to go,’ she said, too weary to feel more than a vague fear of what was to come. ‘Someone had to look after Lizzie, and Aunt Edie was just about ready to drop. I couldn’t ask you because you weren’t here.’ David took a few desultory sucks, then let the nipple fall out of his mouth as his eyelids drooped.

  ‘I had to, you see,’ Amy went on. If she didn’t look at him she would not become too frightened to speak. She undressed David and put him in his cradle, careful to lay him on his side facing away from them so that he would not see her punishment if he woke too soon, then she took up an increasingly irate Joey and put him to the breast. ‘Lizzie needed me. We’re family, and we have to help one another. Lizzie would do the same for me if I was sick. So would Aunt Edie, and Jane. Even Susannah—Pa might have to make her, but she’d help me. That’s what being a family means. It’s so that—’

  ‘All right, that’s enough,’ Charlie inte
rrupted. ‘Don’t you lecture me, woman. You disobeyed me—you willfully defied me. You know what that means, don’t you? You know what’s going to happen?’

  ‘Yes, I know. But I can’t help it. I had to do it.’ Amy sat in silence while Joey suckled, shifting him to her other breast after a few minutes. ‘I’m sorry it meant disobeying you. I’m very sorry.’ She raised her eyes to his for a moment, then dropped them as she disengaged Joey from her breast and fastened her bodice. Her eyes flicked to the stick then away before she put a clean napkin on Joey and tucked him into his cradle.

  Amy stood up from the cradle and looked straight at Charlie. Better get it over with. She dropped to her knees in front of the chair, lifted her skirts to her shoulders, and waited for the first blow to fall.

  She waited and waited, wondering why Charlie did not move. At last she twisted around to look at him, and saw his hand reach out towards the stick then drop to his side again. His brow was furrowed in thought.

  ‘There’s something in that,’ he said at last. ‘I suppose you thought you were doing the right thing, going down there. You can’t have got up to much mischief with two bairns to lug about, either. We’ll say no more about it this time.’

  Amy raised herself slowly upright and sank onto the bed, shaking in reaction to the unexpected relief.

  ‘That doesn’t mean you can wander off by yourself whenever the fancy takes you, mind. I’ll let you off today, but you’re to ask if you want to go again. Understand?’

  ‘Yes, I understand. Thank you, Charlie.’

  *

  Frank sat at Lizzie’s bedside holding her hand, but there were no tears on his face now. He looked grim and determined as he stroked her cheek.

  ‘I’ve let you down,’ he whispered. ‘But I’m going to make it up to you. I’m never going to let anything hurt you again. When you’re well again you’re going to have whatever you want. I’m going to make things right for you.’ He raised her hand to his mouth and kissed it. ‘I love you, Lizzie.’