Mud and Gold

by Shayne Parkinson

  Amy studied him. If she forced him to go off by himself, he might well decide to run off into the bush rather than face the wrath he feared. But what could she do to calm him? Only one thing, she decided.

  ‘I tell you what, Tommy. What say I take you home, and we go and see Pa first. I’ll have a talk with Pa, and I promise he won’t give you a hiding. Do you trust me?’

  ‘Ye-es,’ Thomas said doubtfully, then he gave her a watery smile. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Good boy. We’d better take Davie—oh, Davie, what a worried face!’ She laughed at the sight of David staring wide-eyed at them. ‘Here’s us two being all serious, we’ve got Davie doing it too.’ David grinned back when he saw her smile.

  After a detour to the milking shed, where Charlie was getting the cows into the yard while Malcolm trailed at his heels, to ask permission for the outing, Amy set off holding a small hand in each of hers.

  She made straight for the cow shed, where she knew she would find her father and older brothers.

  ‘Amy! I didn’t expect to see you here,’ Jack greeted her, standing up from a milking stool and enfolding her in a careful hug. ‘You’re puffing like a steam engine, girl!’ he said in concern as her chest heaved against him.

  ‘It’s the walk,’ Amy said. ‘Everything’s a bit of a struggle just now. I’ll be all right when I catch my breath.’ She paused for a few moments to let her breathing slow. ‘Tommy came to see me, Pa. He’s worried about something. Tell Pa, Tommy,’ she coaxed, holding his hand tightly.

  ‘I got two sums wrong, Pa. Miss Radford hit me with the ruler. I’m sorry.’ He looked up at his father with a pleading expression.

  ‘Only two?’ Jack laughed. ‘That means you must have got a lot of them right, boy. I’m not much good at sums, your sister used to help me with mine. Hey, it’s nothing to cry about, Tom.’ He patted his little son on the shoulder. As she watched the two of them together, Amy was struck by how much Thomas looked like their father. It occurred to her to wonder whether that was one of the reasons he seemed to attract so large a share of his mother’s resentment.

  Amy chose her words with care. ‘Pa, Tommy thinks Mother will be annoyed with him. He thinks she’ll want you to give him a hiding. I told him you wouldn’t—I promised him you wouldn’t. Please tell Tommy that’s right.’

  Jack gave a heavy sigh. ‘It doesn’t take much to make her wild with him. Don’t worry, Tom, I won’t give you a hiding for getting two sums wrong. She can go crook at me instead.’

  ‘Thank you, Pa,’ Thomas said, his face breaking into a smile.

  Amy left them in each other’s company and took David’s hand to make her way home. She wished there were not quite so many fences to climb, each of them making her uncomfortable burden stab at her ribs.

  ‘Carry me, Mama,’ David begged when they were barely halfway back.

  ‘Oh, Davie, can’t you walk? You’re very heavy for me, and Mama’s tired.’

  ‘Please, Mama.’ He held out his arms; Amy sighed and gathered him up. She had to lift him over each fence before clambering over it herself.

  Weariness made her clumsier than ever. As she crossed the last fence, she lost her balance and went sprawling on the ground. She tried to stand, then crouched on her hands and knees until the wave of nausea her fall had brought on passed. She clambered to her feet, picked up David and forced herself to walk on.

  Black spots began to interfere with her vision as she stumbled up the last hill before the house. She almost tripped on the doorstep, catching herself on the jamb at the last moment. She staggered into the kitchen and let David slip to the floor. ‘Time to start making dinner. Ohh, I feel awful, Davie. I wish I could lie down. Mustn’t be lazy, though. Mustn’t keep Papa waiting.’ Amy took a step, and the room tilted alarmingly. She reached out for the nearest chair, but it jumped away from her grasp. She groped wildly for it; there was a crash as the chair tumbled to the floor. Amy fell across it, her belly landing heavily on the edge of the seat. She screamed with pain as she rolled off the chair and onto her back.

  Red shafts of agony stabbed at the backs of her eyes. She clutched at her belly, trying to lift herself upright. It’s the baby. The baby’s coming. It’s too early! I’m going to die.

  17

  August 1889

  There was a high-pitched wailing echoing around the room. Stop it, Amy wanted to cry out, but she had no voice for any sound but inhuman groans. It was David, she knew, howling at the sight of his mother writhing in agony on the floor.

  The noise faded away. Amy tried to raise herself to see what David was doing, but the attempt made blackness come more thickly over her vision. She lay back and let the convulsions rack her body as they wished.

  There was no sense of time. She did not know how much later it was when a face loomed over her.

  ‘What’s going on? It’s the child, isn’t it? It’s started early.’ It was Charlie’s voice, grating painfully in her head.

  Amy nodded, the movement making black dots swim across her eyes.

  ‘I’d better get you into town, then.’ He made to lift her. Amy screamed with the pain of being moved.

  ‘No, Charlie,’ she forced rasping words out of her tight throat. ‘You can’t. I’d never bear the trip.’

  ‘Well, what am I supposed to do?’ he demanded.

  Amy could hear the fear in his voice. Scared he’ll lose his new son. ‘Bring the nurse out here. Bring me Mrs Coulson.’

  ‘I said you weren’t going to that woman again. I don’t care for her, she’s no idea how to speak decently.’

  ‘Please, Charlie, please!’ Amy begged, her voice cracking with the effort. ‘She’ll look after me. She’ll make it stop hurting. I’m going to die. I don’t want it to hurt when I die.’

  ‘Hush! There’s no need to speak like that.’ He was silent for a moment. ‘All right, you can have the woman. She knows her work, even if she’s an interfering bitch. But you can’t lie on the floor.’ He put one arm under her head and the other under her knees and lifted her easily. After one loud scream, Amy fell into a half-swoon till he had laid her on the bed.

  She was aware of Charlie standing over her, but it hurt too much to open her eyes. ‘You’ll be all right while I’m gone?’ he asked. ‘The child won’t come till the nurse is here?’

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t think it’ll take long. There’s blood coming out now, I can feel it. Please hurry, Charlie. But… but where are the boys?’

  ‘Outside. Dave came running down to the cow shed yelling his head off—I couldn’t understand a word of it. Mal said he was telling me you were ill. I told them to stay put down there. Shall I take them to your pa’s?’

  Amy forced herself to think, though thinking made her head hurt. ‘Yes, take them over there. Take them now. Bring Mrs Coulson. Bring her soon. Hurry!’

  ‘I’ll go like the devil was after me,’ he said grimly. A door closed, and Amy knew she was alone again.

  Waves of agony came at random, convulsing her body in a way unlike any birth pangs Amy could remember. At times she seemed to be floating above the pain as if it hardly belonged to her; at other times it seemed larger than her body could hold. You’re going to kill me, baby. You and me are going to die together. Her thoughts travelled their own jumbled route to the other baby she had thought would kill her in the bearing. It hadn’t killed her. But she had been in a nursing home then, with a woman who knew what she was doing even if she took pleasure in the cruelty of it. I wish I could have seen you again before I die, Ann. I wish I could know if you’re happy.

  In a kind of calm that settled over her during an interval between bouts of pain, Amy heard the door opening and a woman’s light tread coming through the house. Mrs Coulson? No, it’s too soon. Who?

  ‘Amy?’ A voice made thin with apprehension. ‘Where are you?’

  Susannah. Why her? Amy lay quiet and let Susannah find her own way to the bedroom.

  ‘Oh, here you are.’

  The time spent lying
very still on the bed had given Amy strength enough to speak. ‘What are you doing here, Susannah?’

  ‘I’ve come to look after you, of course. Your father said to—I wanted to, anyway. You need a woman with you.’

  ‘Where are my boys? Have you brought them with you?’

  ‘You don’t want them to see you while you’re in this state, do you? You look dreadful.’

  ‘Where are my boys, Susannah?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I’m going to scream with the pain in a minute, and I don’t want to frighten them. Where are they?’

  ‘They’re with your father. He said—’ Amy’s scream interrupted her. When it died away, Susannah was quiet for some time. ‘What do you want me to do for you, Amy?’ she asked at last, her voice quavering.

  ‘Nothing. Go away.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. I can’t leave you in this state. Shall I… shall I have a look at you?’ She pulled back the covers Charlie had placed over Amy, and gave a little scream. ‘There’s blood everywhere!’

  ‘I know. Leave me alone. I don’t want you touching me.’

  ‘I should undress you or something, but I… I don’t want to hurt you.’ Susannah covered Amy’s limbs again. ‘I’ll just sit with you, shall I? I’ll keep you company till the nurse comes.’ She reached for Amy’s hand and patted it, but Amy pulled it away.

  ‘I don’t want you here, Susannah. I don’t want you to watch me dying. I’d sooner be by myself.’

  ‘Now, you mustn’t talk like that! There’s no need to say such dreadful things. You’re not dying—you’re a strong, young girl having a baby. You’ll be right as rain in no time.’

  ‘What do you know about it?’ Amy spat out the words.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve had two children myself, and I think I suffered as much as any woman. That’s why I’ve come to look after you. I’m older than you, I know more about such things.’

  ‘Do you? Have you felt the pain like it was going to split you in half? I’ve felt that once. It’s starting again now.’ She tilted her head back to scream the louder, but screaming brought no relief beyond not having to listen to Susannah. The pain died away, but not the memories it dragged up. ‘It hurts you till you think you’re going to die. Then there’s a little baby, and you love her all the more for the pain she cost you. Then they take the baby away. That’s what happens. It’s no good loving her. They take her away. It’s better if you die.’

  ‘Stop that, Amy. Don’t say such things. You feel terrible, I know, but it’ll pass. You’ll feel well again soon.’

  ‘Will I? This is the third baby I’ve given Charlie. I’m still doing my duty, Susannah. I can’t decide I’ll stop doing it. I can’t tell him two sons is duty enough. Why was it enough for you?’

  ‘It’s none of your business. That’s between your father and I.’

  ‘Why, Susannah? Why?’ Amy persisted.

  ‘Because… because I’m a decent woman,’ Susannah snapped. ‘I’ve had my share of that horrible business with men. I didn’t choose to do it like you did. I only did it when I had to.’

  ‘I thought I was decent, too. I thought that was part of the bargain. If I married Charlie I’d be decent instead of what you called me. Now he calls me that instead. And I have to go on having babies till I die.’

  ‘Stop talking about dying! Women have babies every day, you’re no different. And anyway, you’ll be too old to have them one day. You’ll only be fruitful till you’re forty or so.’

  ‘Till I die,’ Amy repeated. ‘I’m not good at having babies, for all I get with child so easily. But I’ve got to keep on having them till I die.’

  ‘Oh, I can’t bear to listen to you going on like that! I will leave you alone if that’s what you want!’ Susannah stormed out of the room, slamming the door after her.

  A few screams later she crept back and sat beside Amy again. ‘Is it getting worse, Amy?’

  ‘Yes. And it’ll get worse than this.’ You’re fighting me, baby. Because I fell over and hurt you. You’re trying to tear your way out of me instead of giving me time to push properly.

  ‘I’ve got to do something! Shall I… I don’t know, wash you, maybe?’ Her face was twisted with disgust; Amy could see how much the offer had cost her.

  ‘No. You’ll hurt me more if you touch me down there. I… I think I’d like a drink of water,’ she said, as much to shut Susannah up as from a desire to moisten her cracked lips.

  Susannah hurried over to the chest of drawers and filled a glass from the tin of water. Amy lifted her head to sip at it, then fell back against the pillows. She let Susannah take hold of her hand as she waited for the next wave of pain.

  At last there came the noise of hooves approaching. ‘That must be the nurse!’ Susannah said, jumping up from her chair and peering out the window. ‘Thank Heavens!’

  A moment later Mrs Coulson rushed into the room and put her arms around Amy. ‘Poor darling,’ she soothed. ‘Don’t be frightened, sweetheart. I’ll have you comfortable in no time. I’ll just have a quick look at you, then you can have a nice dose of chloroform.’

  She pulled back the covers and raised Amy’s dress. ‘Mrs Leith, give me a hand to get her undressed, will you?’ she asked without turning towards Susannah. ‘I’d like you to—’ She glanced over her shoulder, and abruptly stopped speaking when she saw Susannah’s white face. ‘Whatever’s wrong with you, woman?’ Mrs Coulson asked. ‘Haven’t you ever seen a child born?’

  ‘No,’ Susannah admitted in a faint voice.

  ‘For goodness sake! Who sent you here?’

  ‘My husband… I wanted to come. I came to look after Amy.’

  ‘Oh, yes, I can see that. You’ll have been a great help to the girl. Get out, please. If you can’t be any use, you can at least keep out from under my feet.’

  ‘But I’m meant to be helping! It’s just… it’s all so revolting,’ Susannah said weakly, looking away from Amy’s exposed loins.

  ‘Well, you’re not helping. Go and make a cup of tea or something. I’m sure Mr Stewart’s feeling the need of one.’ Susannah went out, closing the door after her.

  ‘That woman’s worse than useless,’ Mrs Coulson muttered. ‘Never mind, that’s her out of the way.’ She sat down on the chair beside Amy and lifted the bag she had brought. ‘I’d better put you out before I try undressing you. I’ll hurt you too much doing it by myself.’ She lifted out the chloroform bottle and a pad of cloth.

  ‘Am I going to die, Mrs Coulson?’

  ‘Shh, darling. Of course you’re not,’ Mrs Coulson said, with a cheerfulness that Amy knew was forced.

  ‘Please tell me the truth. I want to know.’

  Mrs Coulson stroked Amy’s face. ‘It isn’t given to us to know the hour of our deaths. But I’ll do my best to see that your hour doesn’t come for a long time yet.’

  Her kindness made Amy let go of her fear. ‘What about my baby? It’s too early. My baby’s going to die, isn’t it?’

  ‘You shouldn’t talk…’ Mrs Coulson began, then she sighed. ‘How early? Your husband said about a month.’

  ‘Six weeks.’

  ‘As much as that?’ She hesitated before speaking again. ‘Well, my dear, anything can happen. But… six weeks early? I’m sorry, darling.’ She held the pad over Amy’s face.

  *

  When Amy was lying still and quiet, Mrs Coulson undressed her. The nurse gave a sharp intake of breath when she untied Amy’s drawers and saw the livid bruises across her abdomen. The marks of a heavy boot? The bruises didn’t seem quite the right shape for that, but she could not imagine what else might have caused them. So that was what had brought on this untimely labour. Mrs Coulson knew it was going to be difficult for her to speak civilly to Charlie, for all she had promised herself she would.

  She fought with the baby till both of them were near exhaustion, but the child was its own enemy far more than it was the nurse’s. It seemed to want to fight its way out of Amy’s womb, but
at the same time tried to cling to its safe home. The nurse’s probing soon told her the baby was in the breech position, and as fast as she could tease a little leg free of the tangle of limbs it twisted away from her fingers. But the convulsions of the uterus at last proved stronger than the child within, and it expelled its struggling tenant buttocks first.

  The tiny boy weighed barely four pounds, the nurse was sure. He waved his little fists and howled, making no more noise than a kitten. Mrs Coulson shook her head over him, wrapped him in a blanket and laid him on the bed beside the unconscious Amy after pulling a sheet over Amy’s lower body. She did no more than wash the blood off the baby’s face. There was no sense disturbing the doomed little creature any more than she had to.

  Charlie and Susannah were sitting at the table, Charlie with a half-eaten plate of something Susannah had managed to throw together for him. They both looked up as Mrs Coulson came into the room, each with their own different face of fear.

  Susannah gave a small scream. ‘Look at your hands!’ she gasped. ‘They’re covered in blood!’

  Mrs Coulson looked down. Her hands were indeed thickly coated with dark blood, now drying; she had hardly noticed it till now. ‘She always bleeds a lot when she bears. That’s one reason it takes her so long to get over it. This time’s worse than usual.’ She pursed her lips at Susannah. ‘Mrs Leith, if you’re going to be sick I’ll thank you to do it outside. I’ve no intention of cleaning up after you, and I doubt if Mr Stewart has either.’ Susannah looked away shamefacedly.

  ‘Well?’ Charlie asked. ‘What’s happening?’

  ‘If you want to see your new son while he’s still living you’d better hurry up about it. He won’t be with us for long.’

  She turned and made her way back to the bedroom, with Charlie following. Somewhat to Mrs Coulson’s surprise, Susannah came along a few moments later. Mrs Coulson eyed her warily, but she seemed in control of herself.

  ‘Here he is,’ Mrs Coulson said, turning the blanket down a fraction. ‘A beautiful boy. Nothing wrong with him except he’s on the wrong side of the womb. Poor, innocent creature,’ she murmured, but her eyes shifted to Amy as she spoke.