Arbiter's Word (Alchemist's Fire Book 1)

by Ogden Fairfax

  I stopped at Amber's table and held out my left hand. “You want a ride or would you rather walk?”

  Without a word, Amber crawled up the sleeve of my hoodie, clinging to my arm. She still felt cold as ice and I had to stop myself from flailing my arm at the shock of her freezing touch. I left the restaurant and saw that my car looked untouched. Sighing in frustration, I got in and hit the road.

  14

  I resolved to cheer myself up over the course of the rest of the day by systematically knocking out every item on my “to do” list. Grace wouldn't be back from her exam until this afternoon, so I figured I could at least make sure I was set up for any more big transactions from selling my gold. As upset as I was that there were now all kinds of rules I had to get Amber to tell me about later, it was nice to know that I could just fix my money problems today.

  I ran my fingers down my now smooth-shaven face as I waited at a red light. It sucked that the winter cold got to my face so much easier, but I figured I might grow it again some day. I watched as an old man in a Santa outfit complete with long white beard crossed the street, ringing a bell in one hand and holding a red bucket with a coin slot in the other. As he walked across the street, singing in time with his bell, he stopped right in front of my car and looked straight at me. Hands still on the wheel, I opened my right and and waved my fingers in greeting. He waved back and danced to my window. I rolled the glass down enough to hand him twenty dollars through the slot and he put it in his bucket before thanking me and crossing the street. The whole exchange reminded me that I'd wanted to donate some of my money to help out around town, so I quickly added “find a non-profit” to my list before the light turned green.

  A minute or two later, I pulled into the parking lot of my bank. Just then, Amber began to squirm in the pocket of my hoodie.

  “Are we there?” she asked.

  “I just got to my bank.”

  “Let me out, I'm going to help.”

  “So what, you're going to get big again?” I said as she crawled out onto the center console from my hoodie.

  “No, I don't have any clothes. But you need to authorize me to move your money around.”

  “Why would I do that?”

  “Because I'm your Kobold.”

  “Aren't those supposed to be like, little lizard people?”

  “Dammit, Gygax!” Amber hissed and slammed a fist on the plastic cupholder she sat in.

  “Huh?”

  “Ever since that nerdy weasel invented his game, it's made life so hard for all of us. I'd piss on his grave if I could fly to wherever it is.”

  “Okay, little-miss potty-mouth, why don't you fill me in. What's a Kobold?”

  “I'm a Kobold, moron.”

  “I knew that, but what do you mean I'm supposed to let you handle my money because you're my Kobold?”

  “What, you can't look me up on Pixie-pedia?” she shot back.

  “Okay, listen, you really seem to dislike me. I'm sorry I didn't notice you in my car. I'm sorry I crushed you with a big bag of rice. I'm sorry I was awkward at the gem shop. Is there anything else I've done that you're holding a grudge for?”

  “What? I don't dislike you.” Amber looked really confused and pulled a bit of hoodie lint from her hair.

  “Then why do you keep insulting me?”

  “Because I don't want to be anyone's slave!” She squeaked. “Being a Kobold sucks giant griffin balls!” Amber flailed in her spot, overcome with frustration. “I've gotta answer your dumb questions, teach you how to do basic fucking alchemy because you're worse off than a child at this point, and on top of it all, I have to act as your steward for a whole. Fucking. Year. That means cleaning and chores and managing your finances so you don't go to prison for tax evasion. I'll be living off your trash and only wearing your crusty old socks, probably. To make things worse, if you get yourself killed, I'll lose my fucking alchemy license, and I worked my ass off just to get one. Do you have any idea how hard it is for a sprite to get access to alchemy? No! You don't, because you're a twenty-something college bum who's drawn to the flame like a moth drenched in gasoline. But oh no, out of all the smart people who walked into Aggie's, you just had to be the one douchebag to get the bright idea to buy the tablet. So forgive me if I don't want to be your tiny fucking house wench you ignorant, insensitive cockdragon!” When she was done, she sat in the cup holder, her knees pulled to her chest, hyperventilating. “So can you please just do me a fucking favor and get the paperwork so I don't have to think about how shitty my next year is going to be? Please?” She must have looked at me and seen that I was looking something up on my phone. “And you're not even listening. Great.”

  “Says here that personal assistants make about thirty bucks an hour on average.” I said, showing her the phone.

  “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?” she said, throwing a penny from the coin try at me. It sailed across my lap and hit the driver's side door before falling somewhere onto the floor.

  “What if I pay you? Sure, you're likely working overtime, but we work out a salary, then you're my personal on-call assistant, not my slave. Is there a rule against paying a Kobold for their services?”

  “N...no.” She said. I could see her rage distilling into a hot fury as her tiny face got all red. “Don't fuck with me, Clarke. Are you seriously offering to pay me?”

  “Are there any sort of connotations to paying a Kobold I'm not aware of?”

  “It's kind of the difference between being your slave or your whore. I'm a supernatural house sprite, and you're only offering me a mortal's wage? Fuck you, and no, that's not an invitation, creep.”

  I frowned. “First off, I'm never going to ask you to be my...sex slave. I have a girlfriend. You're providing me with a service that's valuable, and I'm willing to compensate you.”

  “What, so you're not even tempted? I know they're barbie clothes but you saw me at the store.” Amber crossed her arms, offended now. I just glared at her, definitely not in the mood for this game. Eventually she let out a disappointed sigh. “Sheesh, you won't even let me fuck with you metaphorically. Fine. You can pay me, but I'm not promising to be nicer to you.”

  “Fine by me, as long as you'll answer questions and do other tasks as instructed.”

  “But not sex?”

  “For fuck's sake, no. No sex.”

  “Ooh, the big guy swore. That make you feel all tough?” Amber gave me a mocking grin.

  “If I had a problem with swearing, you'd be riding in the glove compartment.” I said. “Now, what's a fair wage for you?”

  “Ten Grand.”

  “Per week?”

  “Per month.”

  “That's just under what I offered you at thirty an hour.” I said, confused.

  “I'm giving you a discount since you're not as much of a creep as I thought.” She said.

  “Fine. Ten grand a month. But you do have to answer my questions, and you do have to be nice to Grace if you meet her. And it would probably be best if you were normal sized when she was around.”

  “I thought she knew about alchemy and stuff?” she said.

  “Until this morning, I didn't know about sprites, golems, or courts or whatever. Do you think she does?”

  “She does seem smarter than you,” Amber quipped, “so I dunno,”

  “So what forms do you need me to get?” I asked.

  “I'm not telling you. You haven't paid me for this month.”

  “December's almost over, though.” I protested.

  “You never specified a pro-rated starting amount, dumbass.” She grinned.

  At that point, I was fed up enough with Amber's cruelty that I just got out of the car and headed to the bank. I could hear her tiny cackling after the door shut, and it went up in pitch when I looked to see her peeking over my dashboard and she gave me the finger.

  15

  When I tried to deposit the check, the teller had to do a triple take once she saw the amount. Her manager was
just as skeptical of me depositing so much money into an account that only had a hundred bucks left in it. He even told me he wasn't sure it would go through their system, but after a minute of working with their computers, a phone rang in the background and I watched the manager go answer it. He came back and with a few keystrokes he looked up and told me the check had cleared. I managed to contain my excitement long enough to get out the door. I pulled out my phone and sent Grace a text.

  “You're dating a multimillionaire.” I added some extra dollar signs for emphasis and headed back to my car. Once inside, I sat down and pulled up my bank's e-checking app.

  “How did it go?” Amber asked.

  “Where do I send your first paycheck?” I said. Amber rattled off an account and routing number off the top of her head almost too fast for me to type in. A moment later, and I got a message saying my payment had been approved.

  “Thanks, boss.” Amber said with a wink. Then she gave me a list of forms to ask for and I had to go back in the bank to fill them out. I couldn't even bring them to my car and make Amber do it, since I had to sign and initial each page about six times. When I was finally done, I went to my car one last time and got in. Amber was shivering again. “Can we go? I'm freezing,” she said.

  “Shouldn't have made me get in and out of the car so much.” I said. “And you have money management work to do.”

  “What do you need?”

  I listed off some ideas of how I wanted my money managed for now. I didn't want to have to worry about taxes, and I wanted some money in savings so it could build interest. I decided I could look into other things to do with my money later.

  “Done.” Amber said.

  “That's it? It's set up?”

  “Yep. Magic.” she wiggled her fingers mysteriously.

  “Seriously?” I said, and pulled up my bank on my phone. My accounts had been rearranged into the setup I'd just described, and I saw that I had about a million dollars in the checking account hooked up to my card. She'd also set aside the amount I'd owe in taxes on the cash I'd just gotten. “Well I'll be damned. That was fast.”

  “What part of magic do you not understand?” Amber stood in the cup holder and reached for my arm. “You don't even have to worry about taxes and bills, I'll do those too. Can I warm up now, please?”

  “Yeah.” I said, letting her get situated. “Next stop is to get a new car.”

  “Oh thank god.” came the muffled voice from inside my coat.

  I drove to the nicer of the dealerships in town and left my car parked in the lot. Amber was nestled into my hoodie pocket again, but she'd squealed with joy when I'd tossed in one of those glove-warming packets in for her to use. I zipped up my coat to muffle any noises she might make in her thermal reverie.

  Inside the main building of the dealership, I walked up to the reception desk and hit the bell on the counter. A woman in a professional dress came out of the glass-enclosed break room to greet me.

  “Welcome to Variance Motors. What can I do for you?” She looked to be in her mid thirties, with a warm smile and perfectly manicured hair. Her high heels clicked on the tile floor of the interior sales floor until she came to a stop across the counter from me.

  “Do you do trade-ins?” I asked.

  “It depends on the condition of the vehicle. What do you have?”

  “It's a...” I looked out at my near-dead pile of rust and junk out in the guest lot. “It's destined for the scrap yard, I'm sure.”

  “Well, we might not be able to give you much for it, but we do have some new exciting deals on leasing or financing.” She said through her continued, professional grin. The name tag clipped to the lapel of her jacket said “Carol.”

  “Okay, well, in any case I need a new car. I'm used to a sedan, but I wouldn't mind something with a bit more room. I don't really need anything bigger than an SUV. Honestly, this will be my first new car.” I said.

  Carol led me around the sales lot, pointing out different makes and models on display. At some point, she actually asked what I thought my budget was for a car, and I got to watch her go pale in the face when I said “Hundred grand or so.”

  Carol immediately started shepherding me toward the more expensive side of the lot, and I eventually settled on one I liked.

  “What about this one,” I said, pointing to the fancy-looking SUV in gunmetal gray.

  “That's the new electric model. Battery made by Mobius industries. It's pretty amazing. Even with the cold weather, it has a longer range than most of these other cars on a full tank, but its current sticker price is about two-fifty.”

  “Yikes.” I said, and started to take a step away. I felt Amber pinch my stomach through my hoodie, and I stopped walking when she did it again as I got further from the car. I felt her start to climb along the inside of my coat to get around my back and whisper into my ear.

  “Buy the electric.” she said.

  “Why?” I whispered, turning my head so my ear was closer to her tiny voice.

  “Mobius is one of the courts. I'll teach you to recharge it with your Azoth.”

  “Uh, actually, Carol, I'd like to learn a bit more about the Mobius?” I said, stopping her from wandering too far off.

  “Sure, let's see. Leather seats, front and back seat warmers, on-board computer,” I let her list off the car's other features for a bit before asking what I'd have to do for a test drive. A minute later, I was zooming around in the Mobius, Carol buckled in to the passenger's side. Satisfied with how it handled, I brought it back to the lot and followed Carol inside to finalize the purchase. After all the ad dons, extras, and features I tagged on, the total bill was closer to three hundred thousand dollars. I shrugged and just had her charge my card for the full amount right there. Excited by the beefy commission I was sure she'd just earned, Carol tried to ask me if there was anything else I needed but I just handed over the keys to my old car once the paperwork was done.

  The Mobius was still warm from the test drive, and Amber practically melted when I turned the heat on full blast with the seat warmer for her on the passenger's side. As she wriggled and rolled to heat herself evenly like she was roasting on a turning spit, I grinned.

  “Are you going to be a little nicer to me now?” I asked.

  “Maybe.” She said, voice muffled from being almost face-down on the leather.

  “What if I got you one after my next batch of gold?” I said, teasingly.

  “Then we'll talk.” She held up a hand and waggled it in that noncommittal motion, but I could hear the smile in her words.

  16

  The rest of my day's errands went pretty smoothly. I upgraded my phone, got a new computer, signed up for better insurance, internet, and every other monthly service I could. I even paid off the insane bill from my ambulance ride and four-hour hospital stay last weekend. The back seat of the SUV was full of the boxes of stuff I'd gotten from the electronics store, and there was barely enough room to fit all the groceries Grace had added to my shopping list that morning. My last task was to stop at every animal shelter, soup kitchen, and other charity organization in town and leave a little cash in the donation boxes. Later I'd consider finding a way to help more people, but I needed to get back to my place and touch base with Grace.

  When I pulled into my apartment's parking lot, I could see Grace's car was parked in her designated space. We'd only acknowledged how we felt about each other last night, so normally she wouldn't have a key to my place yet. Being my landlady's granddaughter gave her special access, though, and I had no doubt that if she felt she needed to wait in my place, she'd already be there.

  “Amber, you might be about to meet my girlfriend, so I'm reminding you to be nice.” I said, worried that this might go badly. “And remember that I still have to tell her about the whole secrecy thing.”

  “I gotcha, I'll reserve my bitch-mode just for you, boss.” she said. “Oh, and there might be a package waiting at your place for me.”

  “How did you get
something delivered? I've been with you this whole time and you never used a teeny-tiny smartphone.”

  “I'm like a ninja butler who is her own personal WI-fi” she quipped. “And premium shipping is the best invention since those hand-warmer things.”

  “Great, well, if Grace took the package in, you might have tipped her off about your presence.”

  “I suppose finding a box of designer doll clothes and matching people clothes for a girl not her size would be weird, huh? I hope it doesn't cause you any issues with your lady-friend.” The irony in Amber's voice was thick enough to let me know she'd done it just to mess with me.

  “Would to stop stuff like this if I threatened to dock your pay?” I asked,

  “I'd only switch to more low-tech kinds of torture. I may be a house sprite, but I also get off on trolling morons like you.” Amber stood on the seat and gestured for me to pick her up.

  “Is that a Kobold thing too? The torture?” I put her back in my hoodie.

  “Nah, you're just special.”

  I couldn't see any package by my door or by the mailboxes, so I wasn't surprised to see Grace sitting on my couch using her laptop.

  “Hey, Grace.” I said. “I had a weird day.”

  “What happened?” she asked, not looking up.

  “I got hijacked and wound up finding out that there's a whole secret group of people who do stuff like me with the tablet. There's rules I have to follow and you have to swear to keep my secrets, apparently, since I'm not supposed to tell people.”

  “Where do I sign?” Her fingers continued to fly across her keyboard.

  “It's not a paper contract, sounded more like a magic sort of oath thing.” I took out the box Peters had given me and held it up. “Just hold this and promise to keep my secrets. Also, I have to have a magic house sprite for a year to help me adjust to the lifestyle I guess?”

  “Where is it?” Grace looked up. “Woah, you shaved.”

  “Yeah, I did. And the sprite is in my hoodie pocket.” I said. As insane as it was, I knew if I cracked even the slightest smile before revealing Amber to Grace, she wouldn't take me seriously.