Daughter of the Naga

by Svetlana Ivanova

  "No!" she yelled. "Stop!"

  But it was already too late. I had slipped two of my fingers through the tiny slippery gap, expecting to draw out the enchanted pearl from its depth. Sovannmacha gasped sharply, her eyes blazed. Her body began to shake and jerk in my arms. The tail flipped back and forth against the sand.

  I was too focused on finding the hidden pearl and did not notice her cursing and yelling. Until I felt her shuddering and heard her hoarse voice that sounded more like a moan that I began to sense something wrong.

  Sovannmacha craned her head to look at me. I opened my eyes again and took a look at what I was doing. Her face radiated heat. I saw a look of conflict and pleasure in her eyes. Her jaw hung open. She grabbed my wrist and kept my hand still as her body shuddered violently in some sort of spasm.

  It came in a slow realization at first and then it hit me all at once. The silken cavern I buried my fingers deeply was gripping and releasing. There was clear fluid coming out, soaking my hand. After a while, Sovannmacha went limp in my arms. My eyes widened.

  "Oh no," I breathed. The panic began to set in. I looked at the mermaid who was now sobbing on the sand. "Oh, gods...oh gods no...please no..."

  I was afraid to look at what was lying beside me now. Some part of my brain refused to acknowledge it. The other part kept spinning in confusion.

  Nikita, what have you done?

  I slipped my fingers out of her tail again. There was no pearl, but a smear of lost maidenhead on my trembling hand.

  No, this can't be happening.

  I realized with a soul-crushing regret and shock that I had just ravished the poor mermaid.

  The dizziness rushed over me, choking off my breath. I sat up and kneeled over the laying sea maiden.

  "My...my lady...I'm so sorry...I didn't know...I did not think..." my voice cracked as tears began to trail down my damp cheeks.

  "Leave me!" a terribly broken scream came from the queen. I flinched but unable to move. I was paralyzed by my own shame.

  Why did I have to come here? Oh, why?

  Another scream tore through the night sky, echoing off the distant sea. Yet I was still rooted in place, staring at the mermaid. Sovannmacha turned her back on me, and now she was still shaking and weeping, her golden tail unmoving.

  "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." I said over and over through my own sob as if the words were the only sound I could make. Sovannmacha yelled at me to leave and I kept saying the same thing back. It went on like this for quite sometimes.

  Then a fierce red rage came over me along with an overflowing grief, regret and shame. Everything threatened to pour out of my mouth like hot lava. I could not take it anymore. I was not who I used to be or what my friends and lover thought of me. The Nikita I once knew was gone. The girl sitting here was a true evil demon hidden underneath.

  I rose to my feet and walked away from the broken woman.

  Dropping to my knees again, I drew Tepi's knife out of its sheath. My mind was so bleak that I did not see anything but the gleaming blade that promised me revenge. This revenge was against myself for no one hated me as much as I did.

  I did not think of Amarisa. The thought of her and her lovely trusting smile merely doubled the hot screaming pain in my chest. I did not think of my mother. I was a horrible disappointment and a true disgrace to her noble blood. My friends were better off without me as a burden, and most of all Kesar.

  There was nothing good about me anymore. I saw no other ways but to wash my sins with my own blood.

  With those spinning thoughts, I held the grip of the knife tightly in my shaking hands. I raised the blade high, pointing its sparkling tip where my most vital organ was. I felt my heart beating faster. It almost exploded from my chest. My breath became heavily ragged. The fear rolled over me like tidal waves, but the anticipation felt like the stretching of a bowstring that must be released.

  I bit my lips and shut my eyes then let the sharp blade sink deep into my flesh and bones. I cried out at the bolting pain. All my thoughts stopped. It was a wrecking hot and heavy agony, yet exactly what I needed. A boil of anguish surged through my whole being then the pain numbed all my limbs.

  "No!"

  Then I felt my head hitting the sand, following by a thick darkness that wiped out everything in my mind.

  CHAPTER 43

  I was surrounded by rings of light. The light was part of me. All around was a multitudinous shade of brilliance. I could feel the incredible serenity and bliss everywhere, but I could not measure or comprehend the depth and the extent of this state of being.

  I had no body, no name, nor did I feel like a human. It seemed as though I was made only of tiny particles floating in space. Yet I was conscious. This was strange but familiar. In front of me was a glowing ocean, stirring in the deep darkness beyond the stars.

  In the midst of the luminous ocean was an enormous serpent. The head was taller than any mountains. The body was vast like the sea. Resting majestically on the serpent's recoiled body was a man and a woman. The two beings bore indescribable beauty. They were all ornamented by heavenly jewels and celestial garments.

  Their glorious presence could not be perceived by an ordinariness of the human mind. Not even imagination could fathom the words or thoughts to describe these ultimate beings.

  My formless existence began to vibrate with a strange surge of energy.

  The man sat up gracefully and opened his palm towards me.

  A force drew me to him. I glided through the inconceivable infinity and settled before the great mystery. I felt too small in comparison even to the man's fingers. His skin seemed to change colors, going from the divine blue like water-filled clouds to the brilliant light green of smooth jade. His eyes gleamed with colors that did not exist in the spectrum of the material world. They were also terrifying, more brilliant than the sun and the moon.

  No languages nor logics could define what I was seeing.

  Looking deep into his eyes, I believed I had glimpsed the truth of existence. The truth that extended past the oscillating world of pleasure and suffering.

  "Who are you?" I asked, or rather I thought.

  He smiled a golden blissful smile. It filled my entirety with love. This kind of love was different from any earthly love I had experienced. It was divine, phenomenal and pure. I never knew such a feeling even existed in the known universe.

  Greeting, brave one.

  I heard him speak, but I did not see his lips move. It was like hearing my own thought.

  The serpent got larger and taller behind him. The hood was open with innumerable heads, constantly singing the praising hymns of glories from all its mouths.

  All of a sudden, an overwhelming knowledge of a thousand eons entered me. I knew now that the numerous-headed serpent was Ananta, the first Naga, and king of all serpent deities. I knew now when the serpent uncoiled, time would move forward and creation would take place. When he coiled back, the universe would cease to exist.

  The blue man held various things in all his four arms, a lotus flower, a mace, a conch and a spinning discus with serrated edges. There was only one god which such an otherworldly appearance.

  "Vishnu?"

  I wanted to ask a million things, but it was hard to focus on thoughts that were passing through me like rushing currents. The woman sitting beside the man turned to me with eyes of soothing kindness. A kindness of a mother.

  I looked at the brilliant blue-skinned man.

  "You are Vishnu, Protector of the Cosmic Orders," I breathed in awe. "You're the Supreme God everyone keeps talking about?"

  Indeed, I am. I am the judge, jury, and executioner. I am the creator of your formless reality. I am your future, present, and past. You are my instrument, and I am the musician.

  The voice came gently as waves wending through the sand. His warm breath perfumed with a scent I did not know. A breath of life itself.

  "But my lord, why am I here?" I said. "I have no form! What has happened to me?"


  Vishnu smiled radiantly again.

  I summoned you from the fragment's cycle of birth and death. Now your consciousness has returned to me. It is time you meet your True Self.

  "My true self?"

  I am the Self of all beings. You are my object. But for you, of course, it's the exact opposite. I am the object, you are the self.

  I was confused.

  "So am I what now?" I said. "I remember...I remember taking my own life."

  The god inclined his head.

  Where there is a sound of death, there begins a life of some worth. But no one shall abandon duties because one sees defects in them. It is a sin to kill oneself. Every action is surrounded by defects as a fire is surrounded by smoke.

  "I know, but I can't live with this guilt and shame anymore. I am a terrible person," I said honestly. "If you're the one who sent me back in time to fight the evil force, you have chosen the wrong person. You should've sent someone else to fulfill this prophecy."

  The majestic man laughed. The sound was like small brass bells tied around the necks of calves, and it remained with me even the tone ceased.

  There is a purpose for you, little one. Don't get caught up with the attachments of the scheme for your sins are part of your destiny. You're merely the instrument to the musician.

  "But all those immoral deeds for a hidden purpose?" I said remorsefully. "I can't go back. Please, let me stay with you. I feel so comfortable here."

  You are not ready. You have so many lifetimes to go through, so many responsibilities. You must fulfill the prophecy that has been laid before you. Your time will run out eventually. Then you shall find me again.

  "What if I fail?" I said.

  The god bent forward and held out his hand to cup around my light-formed self—if you could call it a self. His palm opened, revealing a red spiral in the middle. The look on his divine face was one I had never seen, serene, affectionate, and content. I felt as if I was pinpricks of light coalescing into one.

  I am you and you are me. You will soon forget your true self, but go now, and rise again elsewhere far.

  Vishnu opened his mouth. Inside I could see mountains and oceans and other worlds within. Then I ascended and fell into his gigantic mouth. Everything spun and shifted around me.

  At last, all light ceased.

  I was jolted wide awake with a loud gasp. The sound of waves danced in my ears. I opened my eyes again to the tender light of dawn. Hovering over me was a familiar beautiful face.

  The scent of seaweed and ocean enveloped me once again. I realized I was back and more so in the arms of the mermaid queen. She was staring at me with tear-drenched cheeks. Her strong hands held me close to her bosom. Strangely, the coldness of her skin comforted me.

  "Sovannmacha," my croaky voice came out airy, but she heard me and nodded.

  "You are a stupid, immature mortal girl," she said, sounding like she had been in a terrible grief. Then the merqueen brought her palm to my warm cheek. That was how I could feel my own body again. I looked around me for the first time. My shirt was half soaked with blood, but there was no more pain.

  "I'm still alive?" I breathed. On the sand beside me lay the golden knife that Tepi had given me. The blade was also smeared with dry blood. Of course, my avatar friend would never give me a normal weapon. It was celestial and would not kill innocent beings. Did that mean I was innocent? But I still deserved the punishment.

  "Why did you try to end your life?" the mermaid asked in a disapproving tone.

  "Because of what I have done, my lady," I said. "Yet you still saved me, why? You should have let me lie here to die!"

  "I could not and would not do such a heartless thing," she said. "All I knew was I wanted to rid that hateful knife from your body. I felt a piercing pain and sorrow as though the blade had also gone through me. I didn't know how or when you started mattering so much so to my heart."

  I blinked at her in confusion.

  "Have you forgotten I was the cause of your ravishment?" I said with my eyes gazing into hers. Sovannmacha shook her head back. Her long flowing hair had dried from the constant breeze. She had stayed this long from the water just to wait for me.

  "I have not forgotten," she said softly. “But a deflowering to me is as binding as marriage vows."

  ~*~

  The first bit of the sun started to flare over the sea. Charavan emerged from a bush nearby with a cluster of coconuts in his mouth. He crawled over the sand to us with his enormous body.

  "Your mount had been weeping his crocodile tears since you were gone," Sovannmacha told me. "I asked him to fetch a drink for you. Steady now, you must be thirsty."

  I realized the thirst was burning through my body as she helped me to sit up again. My muscle grew wobbly and weak. I probably had been unconscious for hours.

  Charavan dropped the coconuts by my feet. He opened his powerful jaw and split the juice-filled fruit in half. Sovannmacha retrieved the coconut shell and held it to my dry lips.

  I drank the sweetness of the juice as the merqueen took pity to nurse me with it. It was cool like spring water from a mountain cave. Some spilled down my chin and chest. I felt the fever subside and soon I was able to support myself with some strength.

  Without another word passing between us, Sovannmacha watched me downing another coconut. Until my stomach was filled that I finally stopped.

  I looked back at the mermaid. The heart-wrenching shame rode like eddying tides inside my chest again.

  "I wish I could apologize for my mistake, my lady," I said. "But even I had ten tongues to beg for your forgiveness, my foolish act still can't be justified."

  "I lay no more blame on you," the mermaid said and dropped her gaze from mine. "It is the gods and not you who are to blame. They who brought about our meeting."

  I would protest such a passive notion, but there was a faint voice echoed within me.

  You are the instrument. I am the musician.

  My mind tried to remember what I had gone through during my state of non-existent, but the memory slid from my grasp like a slippery rock. I looked back at the sea maiden again.

  "I was responsible for my wrong-doing, my lady," I said. "All I could give you was my own life."

  "I did not want your life," she said with a frown. "If I did, I would never pull that blade out of your person."

  "Then I am so sorry, I don't know what else to do," I told her. "And I will leave you if my presence still distresses your mind."

  When I began to move away, Sovannmacha wrapped her pale arms around my waist and pulled me back to her. I could feel the thumping sounds from her chest. Her whole body trembled as she held me so close against her.

  "Leave me not, O beloved stranger, my betrothed," the merqueen pleaded. "The thought of you going away suddenly pains me. I am bound to you now, I beg you, please stay!"

  "Sovannmacha...I..." I tried to say something but words failed me.

  "Did the childish love god strike me with his loathsome arrows? Or is it just you who charmed your way to my heart with your love-tricks?" she said. "I have gone mad for you, but now you wish to leave me!"

  "No! Sovannmach, it's not so at all!" I said in a panic. My mind was once again overwhelmed by her tears. Though marvelously and divinely beautiful she was, I could not see myself as her life companion. Still, I could not take her honor and flee like a coward.

  "Then you shall come with me, dearest one," she said with a hopeful look in her eyes. "To the Batdal City of our oceanic realm."

  "But I have a duty waiting for me ashore," I told her. "And my heart has already been promised to someone else."

  Sovannmacha pulled away from me and stared at my face in disbelief. Then she turned away and covered her face with her hands before bursting into a broken sob again.

  The mermaid's tears tortured me. My arms gingerly wound around the sea queen and pulled her back into my chest. Her bare breasts felt cold and soft against my dried clothes.

  "Please, don't cry, my l
ady, I will visit you again after my quest is over. This I can promise you."

  After a while, we pulled away and held each other's gaze. She brought her cold palm to my cheek.

  "The Fate has no mercy. There is nothing I can do but accept my misfortune," she said. "I knew you were not evil-hearted, and I shall grant you what you seek from me."

  Then she brought her face to me and clasped her soft lips over my mouth. As we kissed, I felt a hot flowing sensation rushing through my body. I let out a sharp gasp, trying to pull away but Sovannmacha wouldn't let me go.

  She deepened the kiss until I found myself swallowing something as hot as scorching embers. I wrenched my lips from hers with a gasp.

  The burning sensation made me cry and writhe over the sand like I was choking on my own gut. My inside twisted and churned. I wanted to throw up, but Sovannmacha quickly tried to hold my body down, whispering soothingly in my ear.

  "It will be over soon, Nikita, trust me!" she said, rubbing my stomach to ease my pain. As soon as she said that, the horrible sensation faded away. Then I was left panting in an aftershock. The merqueen's face hovered over me. She brushed my sand-filled hair away and kissed my forehead.

  "What was that?" I whispered faintly.

  "My enchanted pearl," Sovannmacha said with a smile. "Bearing its magic, you can now navigate through dangerous waves and easily find the place you wish to venture. But like all gifts, the pearl is not without its limits. Remember that it will only protect you at sea."

  "But why? Why would you give this gift to me?" I said, staring up into her glittering eyes. "I have done nothing but take from you. Why must you help this horrible person?"

  "Because you're both my joy and my sorrow," she said and laid her head on my chest. Her golden tail flipped over to my legs possessively. "Love is a cruel thing."

  ~*~

  The moment Charavan and I resurfaced from the water. I heard Atith's voice cried out.