Drowning in Stars

by Debra Anastasia

  After I set him up with a water and another bag of ice, I heard his father go to the bathroom. Gaze’s eyes went wide.

  “You gotta get going. I’m sorry, but…”

  He didn’t have to explain. It would be awkward. I knew as much. “He’s going to leave you alone?”

  Gaze nodded once and then let his stare slide past me.

  I had to put him out of his misery. I turned and padded through the place, closing the door right after I heard the toilet flush.

  Mom was home and I didn’t want to go there. It felt so out of place. Not feeling elated that she was here was so weird, I wasn’t sure what to do.

  I walked out on the sidewalk. I had to tell Tocks about the three jerks that attacked Gaze, and I was headed toward the park to see if he was there when I heard my name.

  “Pixie Rae!”

  Over my shoulder, my mom was wrapped in her bathrobe with her feet tucked in her house slippers.

  Seeing her caused tears to spring into my eyes.

  “Oh, baby, come here.”

  I ran to her and she held out one arm, while holding her robe closed with the other.

  When I wrapped my arms around her waist, she enveloped me with both arms, kissing the top of my head. “Do you like Bic? He has a lot of personality, but he’s a good one.”

  I tilted my head so I could see her. “I don’t know him.”

  That was obviously the hardest thing. I didn’t know him. I didn’t want to know him. I didn’t want anyone to have a claim on my mother.

  “You’ll love him. He’s got a big heart. And he’s going to be here with you when I’m gone. I mean, no more alone at night. That’s good, right?” She brushed my hair away from my face.

  I wished I’d never told her I was scared of the dark. Then she wouldn’t have tried to solve that problem.

  A loud wolf whistle came from my mom’s window. “Hey, wife! It’s up again.”

  Mom waved her hand toward the window. “Okay. Shh. Okay. I’ll be right back up.” She turned back to me. “Do you want to come upstairs? It’s pretty hot up there now. What do you want for dinner? You name it. I’ll get us anything. It’s a celebration.” I’d prepped dinner already. We were going to have spaghetti and cookies. All at once I didn’t want to have that with her and him. Stupid Bic. Mom kissed my head again. “Anywhere you want, Pixie. When you get home, we can go anywhere. Where are you going… to the park? Reading? Don’t let me interrupt your day.”

  And then she turned to leave.

  Interrupt my day.

  I used days to interrupt the loneliness of missing my mom. Now it was switching. All in one afternoon. Bic leaned his arms against my mother’s window and pointed to the ramp. “What the hell is this? We’re pulling that up as soon as I’m finished with your mom.”

  Oh, I hated him. I hated Bic. And now he was in my family somehow.

  Chapter 15

  Gaze

  PIXIE’S NEW STEPDAD was a dick. That’s what my dad said. That’s what Pixie said. And now, it was what I was saying. One of his first acts in the neighborhood was to attempt to pull up the ramp Pixie and I had found. It was wedged in so good that he couldn’t move it. I watched him from the shadows of my room. He sure as heck pissed himself off. He used a few tools to try to pull it up, but it was rusted and jammed hard. He grumbled about tetanus shots and a welding saw.

  Then he tuckered himself out. The ramp was staying for now. I wasn’t sure how determined Bic was to get it out. He was a disgusting smoozeball according to Dad. He came down and bought everyone beer at Tapps to introduce himself, but had Ms. Stone’s credit card, so she had to come down and approve the charges. She didn’t seem thrilled at all, but did it. It was crazy that my dad was good at judging character when he was who he was.

  Pixie was so angry she didn’t even want to discuss it. She went on with our days in the summer like her mom wasn’t even home. Pixie did get a refurbished cell phone from her mom. So we kept track of that.

  We met with Tocks and he had warned Alfie and his buddies away from me. I didn’t love that I had to get protection from anyone, but I was grateful that Tocks seemed so fond of Pixie, because pretty much the kids on the block worshiped him.

  I healed from their attack, and Dad’s drinking tapered down a little. He was getting on a health kick, focusing on vegetables. He was like this. Extremes. Either it was all or nothing. I was hoping he would get back to sober, but he’d get shaky hands if he didn’t at least drink something every day.

  He kept it to three beers. I was impressed because three beers just made him friendly and a little forgetful, but didn’t turn him into a monster.

  Despite summer seeming to drag on forever, the school supply displays appeared in CVS, and soon Pixie was telling me about open house before the first day of school. Bic and her mom were traveling, so she’d be by herself. My dad never cared about my schools before, and I couldn’t imagine that changing. So, Pixie and I decided we would go together.

  The day of the open house I met Pixie out in front of our building. She had a sundress on and her hair in a high ponytail. I was just wearing shorts and a tank top. It didn’t occur to me to dress up at all. She had a folder and a pencil. I didn’t even have on matching socks.

  “Well, are you ready for seventh grade?” Pixie led the way. We could walk to school, which was good luck because I hated using the school bus at my last school. I’d try to just sit there and get to school, but there was always some kid acting up for whatever reason. My dad said it was because when we are young they have to dial in our drugs, and some kids just couldn’t figure out how to be human on their own. Dad kind of sucked at being human, so I wasn’t sure if he was in any place to judge.

  “No. I’m ready to turn right back around.” I made like I’d do just that and Pixie caught my arm.

  “We’re going. It’s just an open house. Then we can go home and relax.” Pixie and I walked arm-in-arm for a block before we separated to look at the window display in a cool store. It had a fake pool and what looked like a dog swimming in it.

  When we were done naming the fake dog, we continued walking. “How was Bic last night?”

  Bic had been pontificating on the stoop of Pixie’s building about politics. He wasn’t gaining any friends. I wasn’t sure what Ms. Stone saw in him.

  Pixie’s gaze went steely. “I don’t know. I locked my door.”

  “Probably a good move.” Pixie’s door had a deadbolt from the previous owners. It took me pointing it out to her for her to realize its potential. She hadn’t even considered it. She always liked her bedroom door open. But now she had a reason to keep it closed. Privacy from Bic.

  We walked up to the busy school building cluttered with kids and groups of parents.

  “Here we are.” Pixie weaved through the staring crowd and waved to the people she knew, which was damn near all of them.

  The open house was chaotic. It was supposed to be a way for us to meet our new teachers and get a few forms in. If Pixie wasn’t dragging me around, I wouldn’t have even walked in. We met her homeroom teacher and mine, and then we couldn’t take it anymore. There were about triple the amount of people who should’ve been in the space jammed up in there. At least that’s what Pixie said and hoped it was true. I wasn’t spooked by crowded spaces, but I had a feeling that Midville Middle School would instill that fear in me.

  We walked all the way home, and I waited outside while Pixie changed into a more summer-ready outfit.

  We spent the rest of the day attacking summer like we were trying to make it last. We went to the swings, we played basketball, and we danced in the hydrant that Tocks opened like it was his job. We played freeze tag for a few rounds with a group of kids, before Pixie and I were starving. The local hot dog stand guy still had some dogs left, so we each bought a Coke along with our lunch.

  Hot dogs with Pixie. No school bells. No adults telling us what to do or disappointing us with what they wouldn’t do or did do. It was the exact plac
e where I wanted to be.

  Chapter 16

  Pixie Rae

  GAZE HAD MUSTARD on his chin, so I wiped it off with my napkin. It was one of our rules. No food on the face, no bats in the cave (boogers in nostrils), and no stuff in the teeth. We made that pact and had to keep it. We were honor bound to help each other out. We’d even pinkie bet on it.

  Gaze and I kicked our feet, using the rubber in the soles of our shoes to bounce our sneakered feet off the rock wall that lined the park. We were hanging outside together more and more. He didn’t want to be home, and I couldn’t stand mine. I was getting a giant chip on my shoulder because I had so much animosity toward this man who took my mother away from me. I mean, sure Mom was still here, but it was like he had a second sense when she and I were having a conversation. He’d even barge into conversations that he’d know nothing about, like when I’d try to talk to Mom about the vacations we’d planned.

  He didn’t have a job as far as I could tell, though he was on his phone a lot. He’d talk about doing deals and making arrangements, but he never was specific about what it involved. And he certainly wasn’t adding to our budget.

  But Mom acted like she was my older sister instead of my mom when she was with him. All giddy and giggly. My gut hated him. The way he walked, the way he chewed, the way he always seemed to have his hand down his pants. I overheard a few neighbors talking about how he was good-looking, but a blow hard—whatever that meant.

  I think I was still stunned. I didn’t think marriage was an option for Mom. We had so much to do. We were both pretty business-minded making ends meet. Or at least I was.

  I was locking my door at night. And I also tossed a towel on the door gap so Bic wouldn’t make fun of me for leaving my light on. But I had to. Because I felt alone. Except for Gaze.

  I was out of the planning and budget talk that I used to be involved in with Mom. She claimed that Bic was part genius, but I couldn’t really nail down which part that was. Gaze had said Bic probably had a genius asshole. Gaze was the best. But Bic didn’t always flush, so I knew nothing magical was happening in that department. And he threw his wet towels over furniture anywhere in the apartment.

  I had a long list, and it was getting longer by the day, but the worst was the sensation I couldn’t put a finger on or name. That he was just wrong. Wrong for my mom. Wrong for our apartment. Impending doom. I couldn’t share my thoughts with Mom; she wouldn’t understand.

  School would be good. For a nice chunk of the day I had to be somewhere else. Mom had mentioned a business trip to Las Vegas, which Bic was dead set on being included. So on my third day of seventh grade, they would be leaving for two weeks.

  Which was fine. Half a month. I could do a half of a month. She claimed that Bic would pay our bills on his phone to save me the time of putting the checks in the mail.

  “Let her be a kid, Tracy. I’ll make sure everything is good. I’m taking care of my ladies.” And then he gave me a big, condescending wink.

  I didn’t like it. I wanted to know what was going where, but I was overruled. So instead of mailing the bills, I was going to be by myself for two weeks. Being a kid. I was eye rolling and giving hidden middle fingers a lot lately.

  I had Gaze. He was always just a bubble gun away. We weren’t playing as much ball as we had with the wooden plank, because the metal ramp made a racket. His neighbors had complained one too many times, and it made Gaze and me worry that someone would get interested in taking the ramp down.

  The plank in the past had just been an accepted reality. Funny how people stopped seeing things if they became part of their everyday background.

  I’d picked out my first day of school outfit by myself, which was okay because in seventh grade you didn’t show your mom your outfit. It didn’t matter if the picture frame with each year’s first day of school documented had a few missing years. And the tradition I’d tried to start in elementary school with Mom never really stuck.

  I asked Gaze to show me what he was wearing the night before.

  He shrugged and pointed at the t-shirt and shorts he was currently wearing. “This. If it doesn’t stink and I don’t get any food on it.”

  Boys.

  “So what are we doing for our last day of summer? Let’s make a sand bucket list!” I leaned on my windowsill and looked around the alley. Fat Asshole was doing well. He was currently bobbing for snacks in the dumpster.

  “Okay, I’ll pick two things and you pick two things.” I held up four fingers to illustrate.

  “All right. I want to play basketball and get a hot dog.” He held up two fingers.

  “I’d pick the hydrant, but Tocks told me that he had to watch it because the fire department was getting pissed. So, I’ll say ice cream and sitting by the river for sunset.” I pulled my fingers back into a fist before finger combing my hair into a ponytail and slipping the band I had on my wrist over it until it was secure. “Let’s go.”

  Gaze nodded, and when I turned around, I walked into my hallway and straight into Bic’s stomach. It was damp with sweat. He grabbed my shoulders. “Hey. Hey. Hey! Where are you going this early?”

  I tried to take a step back, but he held fast. “I was going to leave Mom a note. I’m going outside.”

  He leaned down to look me in my face, all my alarm bells ringing. He was too close. Too close to my personal space, too close to my face.

  It was like he could hear those bells and held on just a moment longer than he should’ve before letting go. “Don’t feel like you can’t tell me stuff, Pixie Bixie. I’m your dad now. Keep me in the loop. You’re allowed to go, though. I’ll make it okay with your mom.” Then he winked. The motion highlighted the red veins in that eye that looked like it had been recently hit.

  “Permission? You’re giving me permission?” I took the step back that my whole body was craving.

  “Yes. And you better get moving before I change my mind.” He scratched his stomach, lifting up the t-shirt a little to reveal a hairy belly.

  I winced. I turned around and didn’t say anything else. He didn’t make any sense at all. I pounded down the five flights of stairs to find Gaze waiting for me.

  “What’s up? You stop and take a nap or something?”

  I started walking quickly toward the park, Gaze hurrying to follow. “Nope. Had to wait while Bic decided whether or not he was giving me permission first.”

  I looked to my left to see what Gaze thought. He stopped in his tracks.

  “What the hell? Your mom leaves you alone all the time. Why would Bic have any say in what you do?”

  I felt the stare before I knew it was boring into me. I turned at the waist to look up to my window, so easy to find thanks to the ramp. And sure enough, Bic was leaning out my window watching us.

  I tried to review what Gaze and I had said and figure out the physics about if our voices carried.

  Gaze followed my gaze before muttering, “Shit.”

  “Watch your language, kid.” Bic sneered at us.

  And with that, he answered my question. He’d heard us just fine. I pulled on Gaze’s elbow to make him walk with me.

  “This sucks.”

  After we were well out of earshot, Gaze offered, “Yeah. He’s a douche banana. I’m sorry you have to deal with him. I’m sorry so much has changed for you.”

  He got it. How it was for me. That doing without my mom had been worth getting the time I did with her. And now I was never getting that back.

  We had our summer bucket list. We stayed out of our apartments. The hydrant was a no-go because of the fire department still saying no more to Tocks. But we had hot dogs and ice cream and we peered at the river. We started a new game called trash bingo and we created a card on my phone of what we were looking for. Water bottles floating, milk jugs, plastic bags. This river was pretty polluted. When it was time to play basketball, the boys were one short, so I subbed in instead of reading a book on my phone. They were sweet to me, and I wasn’t horrible, but they refra
ined from body blocking me and trash talking me like they did each other usually.

  It had been a good last day. I got a text from Mom that I had to head back. It was pretty useless because I was already on my way. As Gaze and I passed Tapps, we heard his father’s loud voice. He was slurring. I snuck a quick look at Gaze.

  “You going to be okay tonight?” I didn’t want him to get hurt any more than he already was.

  “I’ll be fine.” His tense jaw made me think that wasn’t the truth.

  “My window will be open. If you need it.” I wasn’t sure what I could do other than be a witness. I mean, I could tell my mom, but...she was distracted and I wasn’t sure what she could do.

  “Okay. Thanks. Tomorrow we’re seventh graders.” He held out his fist and I tapped it.

  Tomorrow somehow still seemed far away. I packed up my book bag from last year with a notebook and pencils, laid out my outfit of jean shorts and a t-shirt, and avoided Bic as much as possible. He seemed to sense that and would run into me in the hallway and always come knocking on the bathroom door when I was just settling in.

  Even though Mom was home, I was still locking my bedroom door at night.

  I checked on Gaze’s window, but it was dark. I guessed he already went to bed. I walked back to my bed and lay down.

  Chapter 17

  GAZE

  I WAS SITTING in my closet in the pitch dark. Dad was home and sounded worse than ever. I wasn’t sure what had set him off. Why tonight would be the one that he indulged far more than he should. Maybe he was jealous that the other three kids from the neighborhood had used his favorite punching bag: me.

  But he was fixing for violence. And I was the best opponent he had because I didn’t fight back. I didn’t outmaneuver him. Being a kid sucked.

  “Gaze! Get out here! You better not be out this late on a school night.”