“What happens when you beat a kid his whole life? Then you insist he comes back to you and he’s a head and half taller and can punch you out every goddamn night?” I flicked my hand to get rid of the contact.
“Gaze, I’m your father.” He looked bewildered. The power dynamic in this relationship had shifted wildly.
“At least you have one thing going for you. The rest is a pile of shit. Where’s Pixie?” I headed back to my room and he followed me.
“So this is what those rich assholes taught you? To be disrespectful to me? To curse at women? Look at all this stuff. They buy you, boy?” Bruce was working himself up to a lather.
I spun on him and took him in. The details that my subconscious registered from when I was kid. His eyes were clear; his hands weren’t trembling. He didn’t smell bad. “You’re on the wagon? Maybe a year or so? Have you been past Tapps yet? When you were sad or happy or on a Friday? When you were mad at the government for taxes or angry at women for turning you down? Because the right combo of that will start you drinking again. You’ll never be sober. But here’s some fresh information—when you decide that the only thing that will cure your anger is ripping into me? You’re going to get the surprise of your fucking life. I might be more like you than you thought.” I pushed on the center of his chest and he stumbled backward. I slammed the door in his face.
This had me feeling everything and nothing. It felt like my last three years was a virtual reality headset and I just slipped it off my head and handed it to someone else. I didn’t want to unpack. I didn’t want to speak to Bruce. And despite my venomous words, I didn’t want to hit anyone.
I looked across the alley and saw movement behind the black curtains. Nothing was really defined. I waited for hours to see if the curtain would open, but nothing happened.
Chapter 36
Gaze
IT WAS THE sound of the city that woke me. It was crazy that the silence at the Burathons’ made me nervous at first, but my body adapted to the quiet at night. But now, the honking and the undercurrent of the busy urban life that I was in the center of was way too loud.
My bed was small. Damn. My feet and calves hung over the edge. I was an entirely different person than the last time I had lain in this same spot. My first thought was Pixie. I pushed myself up so I could see out my window. The sound outside was always accompanied by the lightness of her on my soul. Happiness. I walked over and pushed my window all the way up. After leaning on my forearms and sticking my head out, I saw that so little had changed. How had I walked across to Pixie’s that often? Five stories up was no fucking joke.
The thought of how Ronna would be if she was supervising Pixie and me crossed my mind. She would’ve never let the tightrope act go on. Thinking of Ronna made my heart squeeze, so I picked up my phone to see if I had any messages. Thirty-two. Thirty messages from the Burathons. Loving messages from Ronna and Mike. Hilarious ones from Austin. Rocket dressed up in a few outfits by Teddi and a few new downloads from Milt.
I dragged my fingers through my hair, making it stand up wild in my semi-transparent reflection in the window.
How did things change so quickly? Time was as transparent and unreliable as I was. I sighed before opening my door. Bruce was waiting in the kitchen, coffee cup in hand. I ignored him and went to the cabinet with the mugs. I grabbed one that said “I LOVE CVS’’ and filled it from the pot that was percolating under the machine.
I made eye contact with Bruce and took a sip. It wasn’t half bad.
“Are you drinking it black? That new family of yours too cheap for creamer?”
I underestimated the rage I had bottled up under my skin for him. Hearing him disparage the Burathons was sacrilegious. I poured the rest of the coffee down the drain and left the mug in the sink.
“Oh, they were so rich they just wasted shit?” Bruce grumbled from his chair. The light bulb moment last night that I could push him around just fine tantalized me. I strode over to him and grabbed a fistful of his shirt, pulling him a foot out of his chair.
“Shut up. You will not talk about them. Ever. You brought me back here, and now you get to live by my rules. Or I kick the crap out of you this time.”
I dropped him back into the chair as his face paled. I glowered at him like he did so many times when I was a kid. I reminded myself so much of him I was disgusted and turned away. I needed to be out of here. I walked out the front door and didn’t close it behind me.
There was only one place to go. Pixie’s. Apparently, time to face everything on the same day.
Chapter 37
GAZE
I KNEW THE steps to her place. Little had changed, just like my building. But I could easily take the steps three at a time now. Soon enough, I was outside her door. Same door, my head so much taller. I knocked too loudly. Like a landlord looking for money kind of loud. I forgot about that etiquette. To not scare one another with unpaid bills. I held my breath and waited. And waited. I put my hand on her door, trying to see if I could feel her there. We were so in sync back then. I actually rarely knocked on this door in the past because she always knew I was coming over.
I waited before knocking softer, friendlier. My anger with Bruce was bigger than my fury at Pixie’s betrayal.
I knocked again. No answer. I tried to reverse look through the peephole, but I couldn’t gauge anything.
Like an elevator dropping my heart to my feet, I realized I was desperate to see her. And it wasn’t going to happen. Not today. Maybe she’d moved. I scanned the hallway, tempted to knock on the other doors and ask. And all at once I didn’t want an answer just yet. Because if she had moved and I wasn’t able to find her? I didn’t know where to put that.
I walked slowly down the stairs, carefully taking each one like it was a time machine that would shoot me back to before if I did it right.
Re-entry into this life was going to be shit. And now I realized that I was putting a brave face on for the Burathons. This place scared me on so many levels.
Chapter 38
Pixie Rae
I WASN’T SURE who was at the door, but it sounded like they were looking for trouble, so I stayed inside. It might have been the school resource officer looking to see why I was out of school for ten days, but I wasn’t opening that door for anything.
I went back to writing in my notebook. A dark story of murder and vengence. The female character was a superhero, but a torn one that didn’t always make pretty decisions. I loved her.
I was alone in the apartment now. I’d been relishing it for the time it had given me. Away from him.
He was on an engagement-moon with Dreama, his new love. He was full of shit as always, because I knew he wouldn’t marry her until I was over eighteen. He loved those sweet, sweet social security and insurance checks he stole from me each month.
I glanced at the hole where my bedroom door used to be. The day of my mother’s funeral he took it off the hinges.
I missed that door almost more than I missed Gaze. I thought of the coffee can stuffed with notes to him that now banged against his building from the thread I’d cut. Bic had spied me sending the can to Gaze’s side and had threatened to get to it. Luckily, I had my pocket knife in my pocket, as always. I’d cut the string that held the can between the buildings. Instead of falling to the ground, it bounced twice and got wrapped around the underside of the fire escape. Stuck. I was happy it was out of Bic’s way, but even on a brave day, if I tiptoed across the ramp, I could never reach the coffee can. And I wasn’t going across the ramp for anything because it was all rusted.
So my notes for Gaze were trapped in time, but at least Bic would never see them.
I went back to my story. I didn’t want to think anymore. Not about any of it. I let my superhero beat up another bad guy.
Set the feelings aside. Swallow the feelings whole. Write instead.
Chapter 39
Gaze
AFTER I LEFT Pixie’s door, I went to the playground, still feeling l
ike a giant. I forgot my basketball in case I could toss a few baskets. I’d promised Mike I’d train as best I could. He’d told me it was important to keep my grades up and stay out of trouble. The scouts had loved my playing and there was talk with a few different universities about a sizable scholarship.
I heard the game in progress before I got there to watch. There was a small crowd of little kids hovering about and a few teenage girls in tight shirts. They were everywhere, I guessed. Ball bangers. Groupies. Sports did that to some. The ball bounced out of bounds and I palmed it. All the guys on the court looked me up and down before one said, “Sit down, Durk. He’s up.”
And just like that, I was playing on their team and a younger, shorter guy was grumbling off to the side. The giant crack in the court. I’d forgotten about that. The one hoop was a little crooked still, no nets. Never were any.
This was the playing that made me. The playground pick-up games with no refs, no adults watching. The only rules were to respect what you could get away with and talent was king. After I scored twelve points in the game, I was the unofficial captain and they didn’t even know my name.
I played for hours, not stopping. Turns out, the ball was Durk’s, so it sucked even more that he’d been benched because of my arrival. During a short break, I went up to him to thank him for the use of the ball and insisted he play on my team. It didn’t matter if he sucked, I could beat these guys no matter what. I could slaughter them with the right combination of talent on my side, but I’d always win.
When it was too dark to play, my stomach grumbled. I’d been ignoring it all day. Only catching water from the beat-up old fountain. I had my own fans by the end of the day, kids and girls. I wouldn’t tell anyone my name because I liked the anonymity. Every once in a while I went to the fence and looked for Pixie’s window. The curtains stayed closed, but the lights were on.
I could’ve asked anyone around me about her, but I didn’t. I was scared she was gone and I didn’t want to face that tonight. Not tonight.
I tossed Durk his ball back before heading back to Bruce. I needed to see if he had left my shit alone. And part of me, a horrible, vicious part of me, wanted to make him scared again.
Chapter 40
GAZE
THAT EVENING THERE was not a thing touched in my room, and Bruce gave me a wide berth. His edge was gone. He was scared. And that made me both sad and angry in equal parts. This whole scene was unhealthy for me, emotionally. At the Burathons’ I knew who I was. I still had Pixie in my heart, even though I was mad. But here, not knowing where she was, I felt my tires spinning out of control.
I texted with my siblings and my friends from home. Everyone missed me. Austin was texting like I was still in the room next door, and that was the only thing that brought me sleep.
In the morning, I had a call from Mike. I answered and spoke to him while looking at Pixie’s window.
“Hey, bud. How’s it going?” He sounded wrecked.
Ronna’s voice was next. “Hey, sweetheart. Are you okay? Is everything okay?”
It was my turn to be there for them. “Yup. It’s fine. He understands to leave me alone. And in just six months, I can be around you guys again.”
“Your room in our house is yours for the rest of our lives.” Her voice sounded thick.
Next, I heard Mike. “Listen, the coach there at Midiville is interested in you. We have to maintain your training schedule and those guys play after school. They have a rec team with the county. The colleges that were scouting you have been haunting me about you and—”
This time Ronna interrupted, “He’s got to get ready for school. Do you have a lunch? Do you have lunch money? Is there orange juice? I should’ve sent orange juice.”
When I first went to their house, I had a glass. I mentioned how much I liked it, and there was always a carton in the fridge every day. Knowing now that it was there for me was a hug and a slap at the same time. “I’ve got some. Don’t worry. I’m getting ready now. I won’t be late. Love you guys and thank you so much for all you do.” I ended the call but not soon enough to miss Ronna’s crying.
_______________
Bruce was gone when I got to the living room dressed for school. I had my backpack and phone, my notebooks half-full of the lessons I was leaving abruptly an hour and half away from here. This was the first school I’d started on my own in a while. I hoped to see Pixie walking in, but even though I lingered, there was no Pixie.
I made it to my first class a little late, but the teacher was understanding. After prepping the class to the English lesson, she spoke to me quietly at her desk. My old school had covered the material we were going over now, so she checked that I felt comfortable with the quiz review and the homework we were doing. I told her it was no problem.
I scanned the classroom again, but didn’t recognize anyone. This high school had three middle schools that fed into it, and I’d not seen these kids for the last year of middle school, when the hormones beat us all unrecognizable. And maybe I’d blocked a few faces out.
By the time I was headed to my second class, I had two of the groupies from the park on either side of me, giggling and touching my arms.
“I’m Megan and this is…” the blonde pointed to the other blonde, “Ashlin.”
Megan held on to my bicep and insisted on continuing to get on her tiptoes to whisper things to me about certain people who walked by.
Ashlin laughed at her. “You know that is all going to roll over him, right?”
I shrugged my shoulders. Ashlin was right. I was lucky I was remembering their names.
They made sure I got to my second class and promised to be back to take me to my third. Having height helped navigate the crowded hallways. By lunch, I was getting led to a table full of basketball players, some I recognized from the park. I settled in at their table and snapped. It was that easy. I was in school and not bullied. Not struggling for a social spot. It seemed too easy. But senior year and basketball were huge factors. That, and the girls kept being wherever I was.
I finally asked around about Pixie, but the girls that followed me changed the subject after snickering and giggling. I didn’t like it. I had such mixed feelings.
After school, Coach Matthew asked to meet me in the gymnasium. Some of the other guys from the team were messing with each other and walking around me like they had found me on a treasure hunt or something. Off-season after-school scrimmages were a thing here.
“Hey, so Gaze, I’d love to toss you into this scrimmage, but I have to follow the rules. I need to make sure you have all your permissions in. Your father around to sign your stuff?” He tossed the basketball to me and I lazily dribbled it while I waited for a good lie to form.
“Sure. Does he have to show up, or can he just sign?” I turned my body and took a shot. It swished right in and I was standing at almost half court.
Coach Matthew’s face slid right into a huge grin. “He can just sign it and you can take a picture. Show it to me on your phone tomorrow. First thing in the morning and I’ll see if we can’t get permission to have you to hang out after school.”
He even drove me home after I watched the guys play. On the ride, he tipped me off. “Your foster father can’t stop talking about how much of a future he feels you have in this sport.”
I nodded while taking in the old sights. The advertisements had changed, and some of the names of businesses had changed. And there also seemed to be purple bikes on the corners everywhere. After watching someone use their credit card, I figured out that it was a rental system. No one had helmets, and it didn’t seem the safest either.
“There is a tournament that we can train for—sort of an exhibition game. He said that the scouts that watched you would like to see a bit more. I bet I could get the guys from the team to enter. I only have a few that play multiple sports. Your foster dad must know some people.”
I tapped my fingers on my knee. “Yeah, he put in a lot of research and volunteered a bunch. He r
eally cares about me.” Clearly, Mike was busy shaking things up, making sure that my change in schools didn’t diminish interest in me during the off-season.
Coach Matthew pushed for me to go up and get the forms filled out, but I slid out of that commitment. I was planning on forging Bruce’s name, so I didn’t really want to advertise it.
“No worries, Coach. I’ll see you first thing in the morning with everything in order.” His face looked like he was afraid he was losing a winning lotto ticket.
Bruce was not home when I got there, and I wondered out loud if he had a job again.
That evening I had dinner delivered to me—pizza, a dessert, and a gallon of milk. It had no note, but Ronna buzzed through my phone.
“Everything’s okay? I wasn’t sure how they did it at the apartments?”
I sent back a snap of me taking a bite out of the cheese slice. Soon enough, I was on a FaceTime call with five faces reflected back at me on my screen after I had made sure I had a background that didn’t highlight the shit condition the apartment was in.
“Are you alone?” Ronna could sense stuff.
“Yeah. What did you guys have for dinner?” I watched as Ronna turned her body a little. Mike leaned over and put his hand on her shoulder. She hated that I was alone.
Teddi picked up the dialogue. “We have pizza, too! Want to eat with us?”
“Sure. That would be great.”
Milt propped the phone up near my seat at the dinner table. I’d been gone two days and it felt like forever. I soaked up the banter and conversation until I heard the jangle of keys in the lock. I said goodbye quickly and shut down the application. I didn’t want them to see Bruce. I wished I were back at their house. My stomach was in knots as I waited to see what condition Bruce was in. He had on a blue uniform and a name badge that proclaimed him as Kenneth. He was not drunk, but he was tired.
He put a bag on the counter. “I got us some frozen dinners if you…” He stopped talking when he saw the pizza box on the table next to me.
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