“You don’t have to pretend to care if I eat or not. You never did before.” I closed the pizza and slid the box of the leftover slices into the fridge.
Bruce cursed under his breath and his hand fisted. The little boy inside of me quaked. The beast I was now growled at him. We would not be afraid. Not today. Not ever again.
After I grabbed the bag with my slice of pie in it and filled up my glass with milk again, I made tracks to get back to my room. This common space was not inviting anymore.
“I’m working down at the mechanics. They have a program for ex-cons and they’re really thrilled with me. If you want, I can ask them to take you on, too. I mean, we both live here now, so…”
He continued talking, but I totally ignored him after I closed my bedroom door with my foot. I wasn’t going to humor him. I went to my window. It was still loud outside, and the window was still curtained across the way. I stuck my head out. Fat Asshole was there. Or maybe his descendant. I turned one way and the other, looking for neighbors. Hell, just anything when I noticed the string Pixie and I used to pass the coffee can back-and-forth was still attached to the nail by my window. It was pulled tight and I soon saw the reason. The coffee can was still on the end of it, just wrapped around the fire escape. My night had new meaning because I had to get the coffee can. I tried brute strength. Then I tried rigging together some wire hangers, but still no dice. The can was hard to reach, and if I snapped the wire from my end, it was quite possible the coffee can would remain trapped. In the end, it was a combination of tugging and making a hook to grab the string and swinging the can in the reverse around the pipe of the fire escape.
When it swung free, it made a clatter. I winced as the metal scraped along the brick façade. After waiting a beat, I started pulling on the can like it was a fishing pole that I had a bite on.
Slowly, slowly I was able to pull in the rusted can. I was careful to not cut myself as I pulled the blue plastic cover off of it. I was looking for a leftover note from when Pixie and I were kids. Instead, I found a giant pile of carefully folded notes on lined paper or Post-it notes.
I started at the top of the pile, which incidentally, according to the date, was the oldest. She had the date on the outside, very Pixie Rae. I skipped to the last date and flipped it open.
Gaze,
It happened again.
Her handwriting hit me in a certain way. Nostalgia. I was thrilled the papers weren’t soaked. That said a lot for the waterproofness of the coffee can’s plastic lid.
Whatever had happened, that was all she wrote. It was the last note, dated almost eight months ago.
Maybe she was gone. Maybe they had moved. I glanced over at the window again. I had to start from the beginning.
The first one was dated when I was in the hospital:
Gaze,
You have to live. You just have to. I’m having nightmares of your father’s face. The way it was twisted before I climbed on the ramp. God, I just knew it was going down. He’d lost touch. You know when we would see him stumble? And you knew to give him a shoulder to lean on? It was like that but with hate. He was falling into his anger, and there was no way to stop him from where I stood. Every time I close my eyes I see your lips blue and your eyes so wide.
I hope you forgive me for what I had to do. I had to tell. They had to know. Just live, okay? And we can sort it out. Just live. Okay?
Love, PR
I touched the words with my fingertip. It was her. Pixie had attempted to come across the ramp, at the very least. That first night she had regret about telling my secret.
I shuffled through a month and plucked one out.
So a foster home is something I can’t contact. I’ve tried. You being a juvenile allows them to cut you off from me. I asked Officer Sam to find out for me, but he says that I’d asked for too much already. Your father hasn’t made bail, which is good. I’m going to have to testify against him, which has me scared. I hate Bic. Still, in case you were wondering. He’s told me that it’s my fault. That I should have kept my nose in my own business. And I hate him, and I knew it couldn’t be any other way, but maybe I should have lied to the police about what happened? I don’t know. Putting you back in your place—I just felt death coming off of him. Like he would be so mad. Are you so mad? I don’t blame you. But I miss you. I didn’t realize how alone I was until I was so alone again. I want you to come back. But come back safely. And I haven’t figured out how that will work. If I didn’t have stupid Bic in the house, I would be able to move you in with me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The only person I want to talk to is you. Talk to me, okay? Make things better for me, like you always did. I’m sorry. Please make him stop. The way he looks at me just gives me the creeps that climb on my skin the second he is in the room with me.
I went to meet with the lawyer today. Mom was there, so at least I had her. I had to tell them what happened. How it happened. How many times it happened. I am so very sorry, Gaze. And now my punishment is no you and it’s killing me. Can missing someone kill you? I think it will.
There was a gap in time, and I double-checked, but there was about a month between letters. And even though I had them all, I still felt my heart pound.
Be here. Please be here.
And another note:
I can’t.
And another:
Gaze,
She’s dead. My mom is dead. Gaze. Please.
I stopped, stone-cold, and snapped my head to Pixie’s window. Her mom died? How? When? Oh my God. Bic. Sweet Jesus.
I panic opened the folded letters, the dates sometimes missing. The contents hit my subconscious.
He took the door off my room, please be here.
Help.
No.
I’m not me anymore.
I hate him.
I hate me.
No one knows but you.
Please.
Stop.
No one knows but you? Oh God. Pixie, no. No.
I was in a flurry of her pain. I was in the center of her past. While I was treated like a cherished family member.
I sat in my room for a long time, processing the two paths we took. Well, I was able to take a path; she was stuck on the sidelines.
The guilt I had was huge. I knew this would happen to her. I knew it. Deep inside, I didn’t trust Bic and I ignored it when I was with the Burathons. I did what made me happy while she was…
I wanted to go back to her apartment, but my shame locked me down. Instead, I watched her window all night, wondering. Was she still there? Was she safe?
I’d approach tomorrow differently. For sure.
Chapter 41
Gaze
I WAS TOLD I would be able to go to the gym today, which was good. My hands itched to touch a basketball. I loved the simplicity of the game. It was the thing that I didn’t have to think about; it just came to me.
When we got to lunchtime, I sat at the table with the girls who helped me to class and the guys from the team. I saw how the cafeteria was divided. They didn’t have an Austin that somehow managed to connect all the groups in one way or another.
I turned to Ashlin who lit up with a smile.“You know Pixie Rae Stone?”
The smile slipped from her face and turned into a surprised frown alarmingly quickly. “Ugh. Why do you care?”
I ignored her and turned to Megan who seemed perplexed. “Pixie Rae? You know her?”
After turning my head to the side to show them my impatience, I answered, “Clearly.”
The guys turned into the conversation. I was betting it was the shift in my tone. Slightly aggressive.
“We know her.” Ashlin sucked on her teeth. “Don’t worry, she won’t come near you if you’re around us.”
I scanned the cafeteria, wondering if that was why I hadn’t seen Pixie yet. “She’s not a friend of yours?”
Megan busted out laughing before offering, “Uh. Yeah. No. We’re not friends with the girl that bones her stepdad.”
/> The others around the table laughed. Pixie’s letters raced through my head. I ignored the horrible accusation. “She still go to school here?”
The letters had stopped accumulating in the coffee can. I wondered what had happened.
Ashlin nodded with duck lips. “Yeah. She’s got the locker next to mine. I try not to get any diseases off of her. She hasn’t been here in weeks, but she was here this morning. I heard she’s sad that her stepdad is dating someone new.”
I stood up from the table, grabbed my stuff, and left without another word. I heard the guys and girls behind me whispering. They could do that all they wanted. Fuck them all.
I went to the bathroom for a few minutes until the bell rang. I wanted to go find Pixie.
There was no hiding at my height now. In my next class, Ashlin sidled close. “Hey, you wanted to see Pixie? You’re going to see a lot of her soon.”
If she was Superman, she couldn’t have timed it better because the fire alarm went off. I followed the flow out the door, the teachers closing doors and flicking out lights. I didn’t like how Megan and Ashlin snickered with each other.
They gathered near a group of girls that all had their phones out. Their attention was pinned on a door like they were cats ready for a mouse to pop out.
It was cold outside. I stood near my last class, but it was more a loose cluster. When the door finally popped open, the fire alarm was starting to give me a headache.
The spoils of mean laughter made me grit my teeth. I’d been bullied enough to know that that particular noise was always accompanied by someone else’s pain.
Her hair was shorter than when we were kids, but her face was an instant balm to my raw heart. Pixie.
I went from calm to confused. My normally gutsy Pixie looked like she was trapped in her worst nightmare. She hung her head for a few beats of the alarm. Flashes went off, the crew of girls snapping pictures.
Pixie was hugging her body and I realized why with a gasp. She was only in a pair of underwear. She was topless and hugging her breasts as a way to cover herself.
I jumped through the kids in front of me, using their shoulders to hold myself up and swing my long legs through. I flat-out sprinted to get to Pixie, peeling off my basketball jacket from my old school as I moved. I covered her from the front, tucking the arms behind her back.
She looked up into my eyes. Her confusion and relief collided.
I slipped my sweatpants off and held them out to her feet. She stuck them in one at a time and then jumped so I could yank them up the rest of the way.
The world swirled around us, blurry and useless. I used the time to cuddle her to me, holding the jacket closed while she wiggled her arms inside. I leaned over her and snapped up the back. She was covered.
“Gaze?” She held up her hand. Well, it was her hand, but it was dwarfed by the extra fabric of my long jacket on her. She almost touched my face before squinting. “You can’t be.”
I watched as her soul knew what her brain refused to come to terms with.
“I am. It’s me and I’m back.”
Teachers came into our orbit, asking questions. The snide assholes were there, too, and the pictures and video continued. I saw it in my peripheral. I’m sure my boxer briefs were super exciting.
Pixie pushed on my chest. “Are you cold?”
“No.” It was her. I could still smell her strawberry shampoo, and the small dusting of freckles on the bridge of her nose were my own personal constellation that I’d always wished on.
A harsh voice snipped through. “Getting your pants off that quick, Gaze? You know she won’t do you unless you’re related.” It was Ashlin.
I’d never know exactly what Pixie felt like while she was abused, but watching that blow in her eyes made me hate humanity in general and Ashlin in particular. I turned, feeling my nose flair wider. I licked my lips. I couldn’t hit a girl, though I wanted to dearly. I had to do the next best thing. The guy next to her started to laugh at her “joke”.
I swiveled my hips and threw a punch, knocking him out cold.
“No.” Pixie had a grip on my forearm. “No. I just got you back. No.”
And then we were separated. In all of the confusion, with the fire department and the police arriving for the false alarm, I was in handcuffs before I could even feel regret.
I could see Pixie’s bare feet, and they were blue-ish. I wished I had thought to give her my shoes.
Chapter 42
Pixie
I WAS HAVING that being naked in school nightmare again. That had to be the reason I was standing in oversized clothes looking at a huge dude that reminded me of my old best friend. The police officer who took Gaze to the police car didn’t slow when I shouted for him to wait. The gravel on the asphalt was ice cold and shards of rocks were making me hop around. I was trying to run but couldn’t.
Ashlin was near, checking on Roe who was on the ground after the punch. He was a jerk, but Ashlin was way worse. He was moving a little, which was good because he wasn’t dead.
My PE teacher came up next to me with a pair of shower slides a few sizes too big. “Here, Pixie. You okay? We can maybe go across the street and see if the flooring store will let you warm up in there.”
Ms. Freck was patting my shoulder but glaring at Ashlin.
“I’m sorry I came out late. I just couldn’t find…”
“Your clothes? Yeah. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, and it’s not the last. I can make sure it’s the last time it happens to you, though.” Ms. Freck made some hand gestures to someone and then told me, “We’ll be going in soon. The nurse is going to look at him.” She added the last bit, and I was glad that someone was going to make sure Roe didn’t die. For Gaze.
Gaze!
That was Gaze, right? Oh, my freaking lort. What a day. I wanted to see him. Talk to him. Apologize to him. I was standing in his clothes. I hugged them to my body. Gaze. My Gaze.
And then I thought of how much had changed. How much had been done. And then I was crestfallen. I sighed as the bell rang for us to go back into school. Ms. Freck had to help the nurse block Roe from the stomping feet going back inside. I’d been a giant spectacle, but now Roe was, as the kids walking by tried to see if he was bleeding or dead. Cell phones were out, trying to record.
I died thinking of the cell phone footage of me walking out of school in just my panties. A few boys wolf-whistled as they walked by, clearly not forgetting what had happened as soon as I hoped they would.
Instead of going back into the school, I turned and walked away. It was chaos. Ashlin and her asshole friends had hidden my clothes from me. I wasn’t surprised by their cruelty. It was one of their favorite pastimes.
After I was around the corner, I stopped and rolled up the legs on Gaze’s pants. Gaze! I wasn’t sure what to do next. Maybe his grandfather would help if he was arrested? Get him a lawyer?
It was really Gaze. He was back and in school. Which meant something. I’d heard a rumor that his dad was out of prison, but I hadn’t seen him around. And I was watching.
Gaze!
Just his name filled me with hope and worry. He had changed so much. I mean, his eyes were the same and they seemed soft for me, but I knew he had to be angry. I betrayed him.
I walked home, my toes freezing. When I got into my building, I was grateful that I now always had my keys around my neck. Too many times getting locked out by Bic made a person nervous.
Today I had the key to Mrs. Jonas’ apartment. She asked me to water her plants while she visited with her daughter and granddaughter. I’d been using her place for over a month. It was wonderful to hide. My real bedroom didn’t have a door. The bathroom didn’t have a lock. Mrs. Jonas’ lock worked, and I had peace by myself. At times I even sat in the dark. I was very careful to not move anything too much. Bic knew where I was, but as long as he was able to get the monthly check from social security and my mom’s insurance, he didn’t come looking for me. Not anymore. Not right now.
I was in Mrs. Jonas’ place, and after my feet transitioned from tingling to hurting like a fucker, I cracked the window and watched Gaze’s place.
Old Pixie would have stormed the police station. This me waited. Tentative. I didn’t want to draw attention or cause a fuss. I wondered if Mr. Jones was home. Would he bail out Gaze?
This was sort of my fault. For some reason, Ashlin and her crew were drawn to me. They rationalized it by saying I talked too much during middle school, but they were just trying to make an excuse to be assholes.
My freshman year, four of them held me down in the bathroom and cut my hair. One of them even had clippers. And I fought like a son of a bitch, but these girls were strong when they were high on someone else’s pain.
Whatever it was, Gaze was in trouble again because of me. I watched and listened, amazed that I was looking for him again, granted from one floor up.
I wasn’t sure what to do. How to feel. Scared and hopeful.
Gaze.
Gaze
I told the cops what had happened. They believed me because Ms. Freck called in and told them what had happened. I was also not wearing pants. So in this cold, it made sense that I had given my clothes to someone else in need.
The cops took the handcuffs off of me before I sat in the car, which I appreciated. I made sure that my temper had cooled down. They were actually listening to me. I was allowed to call my father, so I called Mike. He had a lawyer to me before I even needed one. The cops were already waiting to see what the laughing kid—Roe—was going to do—press charges or not—but it turned out he had a few brushes with the police before and wasn’t interested in coming down. He was okay and didn’t have a concussion, which was surprising. I thought for sure he would have something going on, but he was okay.
I knocked him right the hell out. When Mike arrived, the lawyer was finishing up his paperwork. No charges were filed, and the cops told me not to do it again, but I heard one mutter, “Unless it’s happening to my daughter, then let it fly.”
Drowning in Stars Page 18