WITH THIS LIE: A NOVEL

by Savage, Kat

  “Well, I’ll do my best to keep it that way,” Lucas says, kissing my temple again.

  I close my eyes feel his lips against my skin. “I need to go say hello to some other people, Quinn. I’ll circle back, okay?” I say to her, hugging her and kissing her cheek.

  “Go, girl!”

  She turns her attention to Jake and we turn to scan the room for more people to chat with.

  “Oh great! Hold on a second, okay?” Lucas says, leaving me there.

  I watch him walk to the door where a woman is standing. She’s older, like a grandmother’s age. It’s obvious they know each other. He walks her over to Robert and from the looks of it introduces them to each other. She sits down and I see Robert’s face light up for the first time maybe ever since knowing him.

  Lucas walks back to me and wraps his arms around me, looking pleased with himself.

  “What was that all about?” I ask.

  “Well, you told me about your neighbor Robert. And that nice lady is my lonely neighbor Stella. And I’m playing a little matchmaker at the moment.” Lucas gives me his best evil grin.

  “Oh my gosh, that’s fabulous,” I say. “I hope it works. We’ll have to check in later.” I take a sip of my drink and hear “Die Young” by Sylvan Esso come over the speakers. I begin to sway.

  Lucas’ face turns more serious as he watches me. “Let’s dance,” he says.

  He leads me out into the center of the room, where the lighting is soft and staged for dancing. He slips his arms around me and I wrap my arms around his neck. We sway together in unison. I don’t remember dancing with someone before this. Not at a school dance or for fun or in my adult life. No one had ever asked me to.

  “Can I tell you something?” I say.

  “Of course.”

  “This is my first dance. I just realized.”

  “Really?” he asks.

  “No one has ever asked me to before.”

  “Well, I’m glad I fixed that. You can’t go your whole life loving music, never being asked to dance,” he says.

  “I’ve danced on my own. Around the kitchen.”

  “That counts for something,” he says. He presses his body into mine and rests his cheek against the side of my head.

  I lean into him, and we sway like this, listening to this song about love, listening to this song about something we don’t share.

  As the song ends, I feel Lucas pull one hand away from my side. He begins to wave at the door behind me.

  “Oh great, my brother is here! He actually showed up!” There is genuine excitement in his voice. “Wow, he hasn’t changed a bit,” he says.

  “Great, do you want to go see him?” I ask, pulling away from Lucas and adjusting my dress.

  “I’ll just wave him over.”

  I look up at Lucas and he looks back down at me. Dancing to that song was probably the best gift I’d get all night. I know being able to meet his brother would mean a lot to him though.

  “Oh, here he is!” Lucas says.

  I turn and freeze. All the saliva drains from my mouth. I squeeze Lucas’ hand without drawing too much attention.

  “Dani, this is my brother, Marcus Elliott Stone. Most people call him Mark, I call him Elliott. Mark, this is who I’ve been telling you about. This is Dani.” Lucas looks from my face to Mark’s and back to mine.

  “So nice to meet you, Dani,” Mark says, putting his hand out to shake mine, as if we’d never met before.

  I’m still half-frozen in place but starting to come around to what’s happening. I mechanically put my hand in his. “Nice to meet you too,” I say.

  Mark squeezes my hand hard, shaking it up and down a few extra times before letting it go. Fuck. Of course. This is what happens in the city. Everybody fucking knows everyone. I feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest and try to smile normally.

  “I’m so glad you could make it. It’s been what, like eight years?” Lucas says, turning toward Mark but keeping his arm around me.

  I zone out a little.

  “I hardly recognized you, honestly,” Mark says to Lucas. “If I saw you on the street, I might not even know who you are. When did you cut all your hair off?” He takes a sip of his beer.

  “It’s been a few years now,” Lucas says.

  Something about how he’s speaking creeps me out more than normal. Mark was always a creepy guy, but something is extra off about him right now.

  “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go to the restroom,” I say, loosening myself from Lucas’ arm and smiling before stepping away from them. I need to walk away and think for a second.

  Fuck, should I tell him? Mark is clearly fine not saying anything. But Mark is also the type that may actually be telling him right now after I’ve walked away just to be an asshole. I look back over my shoulder and they don’t appear to be talking about anything serious so I seem safe enough for the moment.

  I push the door to the bathroom open and walk all the way to the last stall. I lock it behind me and lean against the door, exhaling for what seems like the first time since I saw Mark’s face.

  What the fuck am I going to do?

  29

  Mark

  That bitch. That dumb fucking bitch. My brother? Are you kidding me? I’m hardly able to concentrate on what he’s saying to me because I can’t get over the fact that Dani is right in the bathroom over there. All I want to do is tell him. What’s she doing with him anyway? None of this makes sense.

  Maybe, just maybe I can slip away. Like I give a shit about Lucas anyway. The term “brother” barely exists between us. We aren’t exactly close. It’s been eight years since the last time we saw each other and let’s just say it wasn’t exactly a lovely time then either. He was always jealous of me. My father took him in and he didn’t appreciate it at all. His bitch mother wasn’t even good enough for my father.

  I don’t even know why I came tonight or why Lucas kept pushing to mend this relationship. He’s soft, that’s why. Focus, Mark.

  I need to get away from Lucas and go talk to Dani. I have to. I can’t just leave this alone. No fucking way.

  “So where’s the cake?” I ask Lucas.

  “Oh, thanks for reminding me, I should get that set up while she’s in there. I’ll talk to you in a little bit,” Lucas says, turning toward the door. He’d be gone long enough.

  I move toward the bathroom and take a quick scan before pushing the door open and backing in quietly.

  I told you, Dani. Nobody tells me no.

  30

  Dani

  I hear the bathroom door squeak open and shut again. I hear heavy footsteps walking slowly across the floor. I look out under the stall and the shoes are men’s. Lucas? I open the stall door.

  “What are you doing in here, Mark?” I ask, rolling my eyes.

  “What’s wrong? Not happy to see me, Dani?” he asks.

  “I think we both know the answer to that,” I say.

  “You used to be happy to see me all the time. What changed?” he asks.

  “Well, remember that time you were an asshole that basically tried to rape me? You were dead to me after that.”

  “Oh come on, you know you liked it,” he says.

  I try to walk past him and he cuts off my path to the door. “I’m not doing this with you, Mark. Let me out of here,” I demand, trying to move the other way past him. He cuts me off again.

  “Do you remember what I said to you, Dani?”

  I roll my eyes again. “You spewed so much bullshit, Mark. Which time do you mean?” I ask. He lunges toward me and puts his hand around my neck, pushing me back. I lose my footing and try to regain it as he shoves me to the wall.

  “I said you’d pay, Dani. I said no one tells me no. Remember now?”

  “What the fuck, Mark? Get off me!” I yell.

  He puts his hand over my mouth and pins me with his forearm, freeing one of his arms. “I take it your little lover boy doesn’t know, does he? He doesn’t know I’ve been insi
de you too, does he?”

  I shake my head.

  “Of course not,” he says. “I wonder if he can taste me on you.”

  He laughs and I try to jerk myself free but he just slams me back into place.

  “Where do you think you’re going, birthday girl? I haven’t given you your gift yet,” he says.

  I feel Mark’s free hand slide down my side and reach the edge of my dress. I start shaking my head side to side.

  “Hush now, we don’t want to be interrupted,” he says.

  I feel his fingers running slowly up my thigh and he starts playing with the edge of my panties. My legs want to collapse. I feel sick. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe no one has come looking for me. How long has it been? It feels like it’s been at least an hour. Mark tilts his head down and smells my neck. I close my eyes. The worst part of my childhood is now replaying and I’m just as frozen now as I was then. I try kicking my legs just as I had the first time he did this. Mark pushes his body hard against mine, taking my breath away.

  “You’re not doing that again, love. I’ve learned my lesson,” he says.

  I keep my eyes closed, waiting for what he might do next.

  “I’m going to enjoy this more than any of our other times together,” he says against the side of my face.

  I hear the bathroom door swing open behind him and my eyes shoot open.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” Lucas’ voice rings out, loudly, echoing in the small bathroom.

  Mark reluctantly lets me go; not with haste or worry, just with a shrug of his shoulders and a laugh, like what he was just caught doing is no big deal at all. “Don’t worry, man, it’s not a big deal,” Mark says, holding his hands up in front of Lucas.

  “The fuck it isn’t, Elliott,” Lucas says.

  I stand there against the wall, still half-frozen, attempting to wrap my arms all the way around my body to protect myself.

  Lucas walks across the floor, getting in Mark’s face.

  “You sure you want to do this?” Mark asks, looking at Lucas.

  “I’ve never been scared of you, Elliott,” Lucas says. He rears back and punches Mark square in the jaw.

  Mark staggers back and falls to his knees. He cups his jaw and gets back up. “That’s fucked up, Lucas. Why would you be defending the honor of a slut like Dani anyway? Did you know I was fucking her before you? I bet you didn’t.”

  Lucas looks at me and I can feel tears begin to stream down my cheeks. That’s probably all the answer he needed. He nods toward me with assurance.

  “I didn’t think she was a virgin when I met her, Elliott. I’m not an idiot.” Lucas crosses his arms and stares at Mark.

  Mark looks at Lucas and then back at me. “Seriously Dani, I thought you only fucked married guys?” Mark says.

  I stare at him, confused. “But Lucas is married,” I say, my voice shaky.

  “Is that what he told you?” Mark starts laughing.

  I look at Lucas, more confused than ever. “What is he talking about?” I ask.

  Lucas drops his arms. His face goes soft. “Dani, I was going to tell you…”

  “Tell me what?!” I raise my voice. Is this actually happening?

  “He’s not fucking married. He never has been!” Mark yells.

  Everything in my face drops. I don’t even know what to say.

  “Shut up, Elliott!” Lucas shoots his brother a look and then comes back to me again. “Listen, I can explain, but not here, not like this. I need more time than this,” Lucas says.

  “This is all we have, Lucas,” I say. “What are we supposed to do? Just go back to the party like none of this is fucking happening?” I rub my temples. My god, this can’t be happening. What the hell am I supposed to do? All those people.

  Lucas looks at me again. “Dani, I…”

  “No, Lucas. I can’t do this. This is insanity. Tell everyone I went home sick or something, I don’t fucking care. Tell them to eat the cake or whatever. I just can’t be here right now.” I push my shoulders back and step around Mark. I walk past Lucas to the door and pause before I open it. I take two deep breaths and exhale. I pull the door open and walk straight for the exit as fast as I can. I hear Quinn behind me calling my name but I don’t look back. She’ll understand later when I explain. I grab my purse from the front and make it out to the sidewalk without anyone trying to stop me.

  That’s when I feel it rising up inside me. The slow rumble that starts in the pit of your stomach. The chill deep inside your bones fueled by adrenaline and anxiety. I could be wearing five sweaters and I’d still be shivering. I call it the death shiver. Nothing I could do would stop it. It was made of fear and anger and pain. It had to go away on its own. Until then, I was a leaf in the wind.

  I lean against a lamp post and steady myself. Part of me thinks I might puke. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths.

  After a few minutes, I stand back up and compose myself enough to walk. I dig into my purse for my headphones and put them in. I need music today like I’ve needed it my entire life. If anything, this reaffirms my reason for needing it. Tragedy. Fucked up tragedy strikes, and I turn to it. I need something angry, something angsty. I need to go back to hating the world and everything about it. That’s what tonight did. Reminded me what I was and why I was.

  I stop at the corner to wait for the light to change before crossing and look back toward the restaurant. Lucas didn’t follow me. He didn’t call me or text me and he didn’t run after me. Part of me thought he might run after me. I should be used to that kind of disappointment by now. Fuck him. I shouldn’t even care like this. Everyone has another side. Everyone has true colors. Tonight, I learned his.

  The light flashes to the walker and I pick up my pace. I will put this night behind me. I will put this whole mess behind me. I will put Lucas behind me the way I always knew I would have to one day. Today just happens to be that day. I got the best gift I could. A life lesson. Happy birthday to me.

  31

  Lucas

  It’s been eight days since Dani’s party and she still hasn’t spoken to me. The first two were radio silence. I thought it was best to give her a cooling off period, which also gave me time to collect my thoughts, to best figure out how to explain this monumental fuck-up to her. It isn’t easy trying to figure out a way to explain a lie that has essentially defined nearly your entire adult life. A lie I choose to tell to perpetuate a lifestyle, by the way. Fuck. That sounds completely horrible.

  On day three, I tried calling her but she didn’t answer. I left a voicemail and waited three hours. I tried calling again and she pushed the hater button on me, sending me straight to voicemail again. I left another message and waited another three hours. I tried calling one more time but got no answer yet again. After that, it didn’t seem like a phone call was going to work.

  On day four, I texted her that morning begging her to speak to me. No reply. I waited a couple of hours and begged again. No reply. This pattern repeated itself for two days and yielded no results. On day six, I tried showing up at her apartment. She didn’t answer the door and I felt like a complete fucking stalker just for doing it but desperate times and all that. I left a note pinned to her door as if maybe she weren’t home, asking her to call me, but I knew damn well she was.

  Yesterday, I tried having flowers delivered and drove by her apartment later to see them scattered all over the sidewalk below, her apartment window open, the curtain rippling in the breeze. Flowers were clearly not the way to go. Which brings me to this moment, sitting in my car outside of her work like a creep. I know she’s working and I can see her through the window behind the bar. The last thing I want to do is go in there and accost her at work but she has to hear it. She needs to know what I need to tell her.

  I get out of my car at a snail’s speed and walk into the bar. She doesn’t notice me as I make my way up to her part of the bar and take a seat. Then her eyes catch mine and all at once I am petrified.
r />   “What are you doing here?” she snaps.

  “I just need you to listen to me, please?” I say.

  “I don’t want to, Lucas,” she says. “You’re a liar. I know what those sound like.”

  I gulp. I can’t deny her logic. “Just five minutes,” I beg.

  She rolls her eyes and exhales. “Five minutes. That’s it.” She exits the side of the bar and leads me out to the side alley where she takes her breaks. She leans back against the side of the building and crosses her arms. She is as far away from me physically as she possibly could be.

  “Listen, Dani, I’m really sorry for how everything came out the other night. Truly. I never wanted it to be like that. As for my brother, I don’t think I can apologize enough for the way he acted. It’s unforgivable.”

  “I’ve dealt with plenty of Marks in my life, Lucas,” she says.

  “Right,” I say. I try gathering my thoughts as quickly as I can. “Still, it was deplorable. But that’s not the point. And I don’t care that you were with him before, I really don’t.”

  “You think I care about what you think now?” she scoffs.

  Another valid point. “Right, I’m sure you don’t, I just wanted to make it known,” I say. “What I came here to really say was well, okay, you know what? I’m just going to say it. I love you. Okay, Dani. I love you.” I breathe.

  Dani stares blankly at me, studying my face. “Is that a punchline?”

  “What? No. I’m serious,” I say. “I love you.”

  “Stop saying it,” she says.

  “Why?”

  “Because your five minutes are up now,” she says. She uncrosses her arms and shifts her weight to go back inside.

  “Dani, wait, I’m serious here,” I say.

  “Just shut up, Lucas. People don’t love each other. They hurt each other. That’s what they do. There is no happily ever after storybook anything. There is no knight in shining armor. No prince to rescue anyone. My mother calls me a fucking princess and do you know what I got? I got a fucking whore mother, spent half my life in a closet, the other half in foster care until I aged out, and no one loved me Lucas. My first birthday party in my entire life and I’m nearly sexually assaulted and then, then the one man I think might actually care for me, well come to find out he’s been lying to me the entire time I’ve known him. So don’t tell me about love, Lucas. You don’t get to love me now. You don’t really love me. And even if you did, I wouldn’t know how to let you.” She takes a breath.