A Moment Like This

by Anita Notaro

  ‘Fabulous, just fabulous.’ Damien even gave me a cheeky kiss on the lips, which of course made me blush. ‘We’d make a great couple,’ he said.

  I laughed, thinking that he was joking. ‘We would, except that I’m already taken.’

  Damien looked at me searchingly for a moment. ‘That doctor guy? Does he know what he’s letting himself in for?’

  ‘I’m not that bad,’ I said, not understanding what he meant for a moment.

  ‘Not you, this.’ He waved his arm at the crowds. ‘It’s madness, and this is only the beginning. Is he ready for not seeing you for weeks and months on end?’

  ‘Hardly. After this dies down, I’ll be back at home in Glenvara, and that’ll be the end of it.’

  ‘You have got to be kidding. I won the thing, sure, but we all know who the real winner is, don’t we?’

  I didn’t know what to say for a second, and just blinked at him. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  He shook his head and grinned. ‘Toni, you’re a one-off, do you know that? With your talent … well, all I can say is that he’s a very lucky man, your doctor. If only the rumours about us were true …’ He looked hopeful, and I punched him playfully on the arm.

  ‘Chancer.’

  ‘Well, a guy’s gotta try.’ He gave me that cheeky grin again, before growing serious. ‘Take it easy, Toni, won’t you?’

  ‘Sure,’ I said, and pulled away before he could say anything more. What on earth had all that been about? I needed to speak to Niall. I made my way through the crowds, finding it hard to breathe with the sheer press of bodies. There was a commotion for a second and the sound of raised voices. Heads swivelled in the direction of the noise, and I had to peer over someone’s head to see what was going on. Jonny, the youngest of 4Guys, seemed to be yelling, tears streaming down his face, as another of the boys whispered in his ear, trying to calm him down. I tried to push forward to go to them, but my way was blocked by a press of people.

  ‘God, the state of him,’ someone was saying.

  ‘Hmm,’ a woman agreed. ‘Too much of the free bar. And he’s underage, I’m sure of it.’

  Poor Jonny. He’d be ‘tabloid fodder’ in the morning, as Karen put it. I’d barely started in this business, but already I knew that. I was fond of Jonny and all the boys – they’d become like baby brothers to me. I suddenly felt that I’d had enough, and knew that I needed to go home. But first, I had to find Niall.

  I found him at the bar, ordering what looked like a lemonade, a young girl in skinny jeans and a low-necked top chatting animatedly to him. He looked polite, but strained, and I put my hand on his arm. ‘OK?’

  ‘Sure,’ he said, rolling his eyes in the direction of the girl, who melted away on cue.

  ‘Groupie?’ I teased.

  ‘And I’m not even the famous one,’ he joked. ‘Would you like some of the champagne flowing freely here, or something else?’

  I nodded at his glass. ‘Don’t tell me: lemonade.’

  ‘Well … you’ll need a lift home later, won’t you? And you won’t be in any fit state to drive yourself.’

  ‘I love you,’ I said, and the words were out of my mouth before I had time to censor them. My mouth was still open, a round ‘o’ of surprise. I’d only meant to say, ‘Thanks for being so thoughtful,’ but instead I’d said … this. Words I’d never said to any man in my entire life.

  I didn’t dare look at him as he put down his glass and reached out to me, cupping my chin in his hand.

  ‘Look at me, Toni.’

  ‘Don’t call me that. That’s not who I am,’ I replied indignantly.

  ‘Sorry, it’s just … look, I love you too.’

  I looked at my glass for a few minutes, thinking about what we’d both just said. ‘You do?’ I squeaked.

  ‘I do.’ His voice was warm. ‘I really do.’

  I nodded, and then, as if overwhelmed by the moment, Niall changed the subject.

  ‘They sure don’t make doctor parties like this,’ he said, looking around at the packed room.

  ‘Oh, really?’ I smiled, relieved at the change of tone. ‘What do they make them like?’

  ‘As much drink as we can possibly consume in one sitting, and a handful of crisps for soakage.’

  I burst out laughing. ‘Sounds good. You’ll have to invite me to one, one of these days.’

  ‘If you’re lucky enough, I might just do that.’ He grinned.

  I sighed. ‘You know what? I want to go home.’

  ‘Me, too. Will we just slip away?’

  I looked around for any sign of Karen, who’d been watching me like a hawk all night, steering me in the direction of ‘interesting’ people and making sure that I was photographed with anyone who was anyone. Could I escape without her noticing?

  ‘Sure,’ I said.

  Somehow, we managed to sneak out the side door of the nightclub, and found ourselves standing in a deserted alleyway. It was bizarre, after all the excitement of the night, that it was completely silent, not a photographer in sight. I looked up beyond the rooftops and there was a sprinkling of stars dusted over the chimney tops. I suddenly felt cold – it was winter and I was standing outside in a strapless gold-sequinned minidress, after all. It had been Niamh at Celtic TV’s choice of outfit. ‘Sex on legs,’ she’d said enthusiastically, urging me out of my fuchsia number and into the tiny strip of gold.

  ‘I’m not sure—’ I’d said.

  But she’d interrupted, ‘Maybe you might bag yourself a star tonight at the wrap party – that Damien’s a cutie!’

  I’d just nodded. Best not to say anything further.

  ‘Here, you’ll be needing this.’ Niall placed his jacket over my shoulders.

  ‘What about you?’

  ‘Oh, I’ll survive,’ he said. ‘My mountaineering genes.’

  ‘Very funny. Why don’t we go for a walk?’ I suggested.

  ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ he said. ‘You might be recognized.’

  I laughed. ‘So what if I am? What are you afraid of, that people might say, “Who’s the girl with that handsome doctor-type?”’

  He shrugged. ‘Well, can I help it if they all want a piece of me?’

  ‘C’mon, you eejit. Let’s go down to the river.’ And I tucked my arm into his, and we walked against the icy wind until we’d reached the Ha’penny Bridge, climbing the steps over the white-painted Victorian bridge.

  ‘I used to walk across this every single day when I was a student,’ Niall said, taking me by the hand and leading me to the middle point, where we looked down the river. In this light, Dublin twinkled and glittered. It looked almost romantic.

  As if reading my mind, Niall said, ‘It should be Paris, really, or Rome.’

  ‘But it’s not,’ I responded. ‘It’s home. And you’re here, and that’s all that matters.’

  He was silent for a long time, and then he said, ‘Did you mean it, earlier?’

  ‘Mean what?’ I leaned against his shoulder and let him slip his arm around me.

  He kissed the top of my head. ‘When you said you loved me.’

  I turned my head to look at him, and his expression was earnest, concerned. ‘Of course I did. I’ve never said that to anyone in my entire life.’

  He grinned broadly. ‘Well, I meant it, too. I love you, Antonia. I love everything about you, your hair, your eyes, your funny feet, your habit of dunking your digestives in your tea.’

  I laughed. ‘And I love your horrible smelly fleeces and your mucky walking boots and your silly jokes.’

  We kissed tenderly, and when we broke apart, he spoke again. ‘Do you remember our promise?’

  ‘Of course. We only made it last week.’ I tried to keep the tone light, but he turned to face me, putting both hands on my shoulders and looking at me so intently, I knew how serious he was.

  ‘We promised that no matter what happens from now on, we won’t change.’

  ‘I know.’ I sounded a bit impatient because I wa
nted him to understand that I knew what I’d said.

  He tucked a strand of hair in behind my ear. ‘It’s just, I think you’re going to have to get used to a lot of new things in your life. It’ll be different, Antonia, really different.’

  ‘Well, whatever happens, I won’t change. I won’t forget my promise,’ I said to him, squeezing his hand.

  ‘I know,’ he said softly. ‘But I’d understand if you did. It’s inevitable.’

  ‘No it’s not,’ I protested loudly. ‘I promised, and I won’t change. And besides, this is me, Antonia. Toni Trent is someone else.’

  His smile was firmer this time. ‘Good, I’m glad. Because now I can kiss you.’ He smiled, pulling me towards him, and enveloping me in his warmth. All thoughts of the past weeks faded as I melted into his arms. Nothing mattered except the two of us and the promise we’d made to each other. That was what was really important: Niall and me.

  Later, much later, I crept into bed, and lay there for a few moments, looking out at the night sky, and the stars against the chilly winter blue. I’m not the same, I thought. I’ve changed. It doesn’t really matter that I didn’t win That’s Talent! I’m not disappointed, I know I’m not. Everyone spent the whole night asking me if I was, even when I got back to Glenvara and they were all waiting for me in the village hall. It was the question on everyone’s lips, ‘Not too disappointed?’ accompanied by a look of sympathy.

  But when I replied, ‘No, honest,’ it was true. Because I’ve learned so much from all of this, I thought as I lay there – I’ve grown so much in the last few weeks, I hardly recognize myself. Miss Mouse really has become Toni Trent. And, you know what? It’s fun. Scary, but fun.

  And of course, there’s Niall. I’ve never felt like this before in my entire life. It’s the strangest feeling, like I have butterflies in my stomach all the time. That the only person I really want to think about is him – the way his hair sticks up, the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, a smile which transforms his face. I’m lucky, I thought. Truly lucky. I snuggled down under the duvet, feeling its warmth envelop me, truly relaxed for the first time in months. Within seconds, I was in a deep sleep – so deep I didn’t even hear the bleep of my mobile phone on the bedside table beside me.

  I only got the message the next morning, when I was scrolling through the hundreds of messages in my in-box, deciding who to text back to thank. It was hidden amongst the ‘congratulations’ and ‘well done’s, the ‘we’re proud of you’s, so this time, I wasn’t even prepared for it – I’d opened it without even thinking.

  ‘WELL, BITCH, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE LOSER? KISS GOODBYE TO YOUR DREAMS …’

  I looked at it for a long time, blinking back the tears. Who could hate me enough to send me a text like that?

  22

  Two weeks later

  ‘CHAMPAGNE, TONI?’ KAREN’S voice interrupted my thoughts.

  ‘No thanks, Karen. I never thought I’d say it.’ I laughed. ‘But you really can have too much champagne.’ I settled back in my seat and closed my eyes for a moment. If this was flying, well, I could get used to it.

  Karen had been astonished that I’d never been on a plane before. ‘You are kidding me?’ She’d looked at me, mouth open in surprise, as we’d waited in the queue for the airport security check two hours previously.

  ‘No, honest,’ I’d said. ‘I had to get a passport for the first time, can you believe it?’ I’d smiled as I’d opened the maroon-covered booklet and examined my passport photo. I’d had to go to the passport office and beg them to give me one, first unearthing my birth certificate in a box in the attic. When I’d taken it out of the Manila folder, I’d looked at it for a long time. There was my name, in the careful script of the registrar, with two names above it. ‘David Trent: engineer’, ‘Anna Trent: housewife’. My mum and dad. There was no clue that I’d been adopted. What would they have thought of it all? I’d wondered, as we waited in line. Here I was, about to get on a plane to sing at Wembley, of all places.

  ‘OK?’ Karen’s voice had been gentle, nudging me to move forward in the queue, past a sad-looking Christmas tree.

  ‘Oh sure.’ I’d nodded, trying to smile. ‘I was just thinking how much my mum and dad would have loved all this, flying first class, going to Londonto sing in a big show. Mum would have been so excited.’

  ‘I know,’ Karen had said. ‘I’m sure she would have been really proud.’

  I’d nodded, trying to keep the tears at bay. ‘Oh, God, I don’t know what’s come over me. One minute I think I’m OK, and the next I’m in floods of tears.’

  ‘Well, it’s early days, you know, Toni. You probably haven’t had the time to think about it, with everything that’s been going on.’ Karen’s voice had been soft. ‘I know that when my dad died, I threw myself into work, hoping that I could forget, but really, I was just storing up trouble, and it came back to bite me in the end.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Karen, I didn’t know,’ I’d said, realizing that for all the time I’d spent with Karen, I didn’t actually know her that well. I knew about her little dog, Toto, her boyfriend, who loved hurling, and that her favourite programme was Mad Men, but I’d suddenly realized that this was only surface detail. I’d felt a start of guilt – after all, I’d spent more time with Karen than with anyone else over the past few weeks, and yet I hadn’t thought to ask her about her family – maybe I was just another of those self-centred, egotistical singers, I’d thought, who simply obsesses about themselves. I hadn’t always been like that – I used to think only of others, Mum, Dad, everyone – maybe I’d changed more than I’d thought.

  She’d shrugged and smiled, pushing a hand through her blonde curls. ‘No, of course you didn’t. But it’s hard, isn’t it?’

  ‘It is,’ I’d said cautiously. ‘Someone once told me that you only know what it’s really like to lose a parent when you actually have lost one,’ I’d ventured. ‘Nobody can imagine the way it feels.’

  ‘You know, you’re right.’ She’d smiled as the queue moved forward at last, and I’d felt her gently squeeze my arm. ‘So how have you survived since the show ended?’ she’d said, changing the subject.

  ‘Oh, God, I can’t believe it. I thought everyone would forget about me, because I didn’t win, but it hasn’t worked out like that.’ I laughed. It seemed that Niall had been right – I’d promised not to change, and I hadn’t, but my life had, beyond all recognition. After the night of the finals my phone hadn’t stopped ringing, from Karen wanting to scold me for running off, to the head of Celtic TV, and about twenty journalists, all wanting interviews. It was totally overwhelming, and in the next two weeks, the press attention had grown, as had that of the public, as the messages of goodwill flooded in. I’d found myself invited to every single talk show, press call and opening, as well as being inundated by requests to help charities and open supermarkets.

  ‘You’d turn up at the opening of an envelope,’ Colette had teased me.

  ‘But I didn’t even win,’ I’d protest every now and then. ‘It was Damien, not me.’ Once, Betty had overheard me saying the same thing to a journalist, and when I’d put the phone down, she’d taken me to task.

  ‘Listen, Damien won, and that’s fair enough, but you are the story here, and if people are still interested, well, the least you can do is be polite and answer their questions.’ And when I’d looked shocked, she’d said, ‘It’s an opportunity, love. Don’t miss it.’ She’d even made me ring Maurice Prendergast when she’d realized that I hadn’t yet done so. ‘Are you mad altogether? Get on that phone, young lady, and take your chance, do you hear me?’

  Two days later, I’d met Maurice at a hotel in Dublin, my knees knocking, hands trembling with nerves. He couldn’t have been nicer, which was disconcerting, considering how hard he’d been as a judge. I’d wanted Niall with me, but he was on shift, so I’d taken Colette in the end, and, of course, she’d plied him with the kind of questions I didn’t dare ask. Not for the first time, I’d
wished I could be more assertive, but somehow, I never wanted to rock the boat. I preferred to get on with singing and let others do the talking for me. Cowardly, I know, but unless I was singing, I felt more comfortable being in the background.

  ‘Look,’ he’d said. ‘My advice to you would be to sign nothing – no management, no record contracts, not until you’ve been to London and seen how you feel after that. There’s no rush at all. Karen’s great, so let her guide you, and then, when you get back, you can get in touch if you’re still interested.’

  ‘Interested in what?’ Colette had been like a terrier, digging away, and Maurice had given me a look, as if to say, ‘Who’s your friend?’ I’d blushed, and he’d smiled.

  ‘Interested in working with me. But I’d like it to be on your terms, Toni, once you’ve seen all the options and talked to people. In the meantime, if you want me to check out any offers and give you my honest opinion, I’d be happy to do that. Alternatively, I know a few good lawyers who’d help you out.’

  ‘You’d do that for me?’ I’d squeaked. ‘Thanks, Maurice—’

  ‘What’s in it for you?’ Colette had interrupted, and he’d smiled again, darting her a look.

  ‘The chance to work further with Toni. She’s a huge talent, but I want her to think before she leaps into anything.’

  I’d wondered why I was being talked about in the third person, but I was glad Colette was there and in my corner. And Maurice Prendergast was one of the biggest players in the business. Even I knew that. I’d been flattered.

  ‘Should I go with him?’ I’d asked Colette when we were on the way home to Glenvara.

  ‘Take his advice, Antonia. Do nothing and wait. Then you can make a choice.’

  ‘I didn’t know it’d be like this,’ I’d said shakily.

  ‘Hang on tight,’ Colette had joked. ‘It’s going to be a hell of a ride.’

  It was the singing that saved me, I thought now, as I tried to doze off in my seat. It was the singing that kept me calm, that helped me to remain centred in the eye of the storm. I’d even managed to take Colette’s advice and ignore the nasty texts which kept coming, pushing themselves in amongst all the positive messages, like weeds in a bed of lovely flowers. They’d been sporadic at first, but soon, I was getting one every single morning. They varied, but the subtext was always the same: that I was a bitch who didn’t deserve her success, that whoever it was hoped my career stalled, and that I’d lose my voice permanently. I tried to put them out of my mind, but they were really getting to me. I didn’t dare tell a soul about them, either, because I knew that anyone I told would only get excited, insisting I do something instead of just pressing ‘delete’ and trying as hard as I could to forget about them. I felt that that was the only real way I had of rising above them – just to put them out of my mind and concentrate on getting better and better as a singer.