“It's all so overwhelming. Within the last year, my mom ran out on me, I lost my brother, my boyfriend. My best friend and her baby died, and I was shot twice. The whole life I was building for myself disappeared without a trace. A few months ago, I had everything: a family, a boyfriend, and friends who loved me. Now I have nothing. It’s just hard for me to put faith in anyone.” My confession leaves me embarrassed, looking away to avoid seeing the look of pity in her eyes.
She nudges my shoulder with hers, and when I look up, she’s smiling. “Come on, we need some sunshine. Nothing cures a bad day like sunshine on your face and your toes in the sand. Go get changed,” she instructs, pushing me toward the stairs.
I’m dressed and coming down the stairs when I hear a wolf-whistle.
“Damn, Lexi, looking hot!”
Laughing, I shake my head. “Shut up.”
Bex loops her arm in mine. “Ha! I love you already. Best fake sister ever.”
We walk out into the sunshine. After only a few minutes I see the ocean ahead of us. My heart starts racing. “It’s just as incredible as I remember.”
She was right though, lying out in the sun, listening to the waves crash, makes me feel like my life is somehow in control.
This becomes our daily sun-worshiping ritual. For the next week, Bex makes breakfast, Lana goes to work, we hang out on the beach, Lana makes dinner. It's a calm, happy existence and I try to enjoy its simplicity. But, deep down, I’m terrified that at any moment, the universe will backhand me, and I’ll end up in the gutter once again. It's only a matter of time.
I like spending time with Bex; she’s loud and opinionated and incredibly bossy. She’s more likely to give you an asskicking rather than a hug but behind the wall of sass she's built around herself, I can tell there's a big loving heart.
Before going home today, Bex walks us over to a food truck with a sign stating it has the best burgers on the beach. We order a burger, fries, and iced tea each. I look over at her questioningly.
“Isn't it almost supper time? Lana's making food.”
“I don't know what you call that crap she cooks, but it most definitely isn’t food.” Taking a big bite of her burger, with a full mouth she says, “Mmm... now this is food.” I laugh and dig in.
“If you hate it so much, why do you eat it?”
“I love Lana, don’t get me wrong. But she’s a vegan.” She says the word like she just announced Lana’s an alien. “The last thing she needs is me telling her that her food sucks.” That’s sweet. “Which is why I offer to make breakfast every morning. To pitch in, of course. But also, so I get at least one decent, animal protein-filled meal a day.”
We are sitting at a picnic table finishing our burgers and fries when a red convertible pulls in and parks close to us. A group of girls get out, stopping in front of Bex. I smile up at them, thinking they must be Bex’s friends from school but the second I see the pinched bitch face, I know she isn’t a friend. I've known this kind of girl my whole life. She’s tall, blonde, dressed head to toe in designer clothes—her purse alone could have paid mine and Matty’s rent for months. I look at Bex, waiting for her snarky remarks that’ll tear this little princess from hell to shreds, but her eyes are fixed on the ground. She doesn't even acknowledge that they’re there.
“Aww, the loser foster kid got her own little pet loser foster kid,” the girl out front says, and they all laugh at her stupid joke. Bex's submissive eyes never leave the ground.
I stare at the scene in shock. How can she just sit there while they treat her like that? The bitch then kicks Bex in the leg when she doesn’t respond. They all laugh louder, and I am raging, having reached my limit. I stand up, coming face-to-face with this chick; I’ve faced down scarier bullies than this pampered princess. I turn on the fighter in me that I’ve kept locked away. Pulling out the pocket knife I always keep in my back pocket, I press it against her side as I lean in so no one can hear what I say to her.
“Next time you see her, keep walking, and don’t even think about touching her again or I’ll gut you like the pig you are.” The girl is frozen in fear as I sit back down beside a shocked Bex and give them a sweet smile. “Y'all enjoy this incredible sunshine now. See you at school,” I say in an incredibly sweet sing-song voice.
“You’re insane!” the girl says, grabbing her friends and fleeing in the direction of the ice-cream shop.
“Yes, I am, and don’t you forget it.” I burst out laughing as soon as they’re out of sight. I look over and Bex has a strange look on her face, like she's still in shock.
“What?” I say innocently, smiling at her. “Was I supposed to sit there and take it? I don’t back down to anyone, Bex. Especially entitled bitches like her. And you shouldn't either. You let one person walk all over you and it makes it so much easier for the next person,” I say.
“She's always been like that, if I cry or talk back it gets worse. I hit her once and she called the cops!”
“Well, you have to do something.”
“Oh, I do stuff,” she suggests with a sly smile. “I'm like a passive-aggressive ninja with my revenge. It's epic, trust me.” She walks past the girl’s red car, looking over her shoulder to see if anyone is watching. “Keep watch for me, let the master show you something special,” she says, nodding for me to stand at the back of the car. I do, and she kneels like she's tying her shoelaces.
I look around. No one is paying attention to us, so I pull out my pocket knife and do a little ninja revenge of my own. I carve a word in small letters underneath her pretentious Mercedes symbol. Four little letters. “See you next Tuesday, bitch.” She probably won't notice for weeks. Just as I’m crossing my T, Bex walks up to me, smiling, then looks at what I just did and shakes her head.
“Oh my god, you are so ghetto, Lexi! You’re going to get us arrested! Come on,” she says, pulling my arm, laughing hard.
“What did you do to her car?”
“Who me?” she asks innocently before laughing. “Oh, I sprinkled a jar of lice in her car.” Holding out a small jar in the palm of her hand, looking quite proud of herself.
I stop in my tracks. “Are you serious?” She nods. “Where on earth did you get a jar of lice?” My skin is crawling just thinking about it.
“You'd be amazed what you can find online,” she admits with a smile.
I shake my head. “Teach me of your ninja ways, oh wise one,” I say, bowing to her and smiling.
“Oh, the shenanigans we will have.” Looping her arm in mine, we carry on home.
Chapter Nine
When we arrive, Lana is standing at the stove making dinner, as usual.
“Hey, girls. The box of your things arrived, I put it on your bed, Lexi.”
I race up there, unable to contain my excitement. I have no idea what could be in that box. Between my whole apartment getting trashed and the shooting, I thought I had nothing left. I pull the lid off and inside sits my shoulder bag, stained in blood. I stare at it for a long time. That day feels like a nightmare, a distant memory, a foggy one at that. But seeing my bag, and knowing that those dark marks are blood, it brings it all rushing back.
I finally get the courage to touch it. Pulling it out, I dump the contents out on my bed. My camera falls out and I feel like I regain a piece of my soul. I never realized how much I’d missed hiding behind my camera. I roll it in my hands; it doesn’t look like it was damaged. I turn it on and am shocked to see the battery isn't dead. The screen tells me there are twenty-two pictures on its memory card. I start to click through them, but freeze when I come to a photo of Elise and Marco; he’s standing behind her holding her hands on her round belly and they’re both radiating pure joy.
I drop to the floor and start crying. Staring at that perfect moment, frozen in time. She’s alive and well. In every picture I flip through, her radiant smile shines through. It’s like a salve to my burn and a knife in my heart at the same time. I want to crawl into that perfect world where she still lives and stay f
orever. She deserved so much more.
“Did you find it?” Lana peeks in to see what was delivered. Seeing me collapsed and crying, clinging to my camera, she sits down next to me and pulls me into a hug. She rocks me and hums a little song.
After a few minutes she leans back, brushing the hair out of my face. She gives a sad smile and says, “Show me.” I nod and turn the camera toward her, so she can see.
“Her name is Elise, she is... was my best friend,” I say, pointing to the photos.
“Was? Where is she now?”
“She's dead. We were both shot the same night, she didn't make it.” I’m sobbing now. "She deserves to live so much more than I do. It was my fault. I shouldn't have gone back there, she told me not to, said it wasn't safe, but I was worried about Matty and I wanted my stuff. She was killed because of my stupidity,” I say, getting mad. I throw the box across the room.
“Hey, don't do that. Don't act like all the bad things in this world are your fault. You know in your heart it isn't true. Bad things happen all the time to good people. Don't turn your back on your life because you think someone else is more worthy of it. Honor her by living, by remembering how she lit up your life. Don't stop loving the people who leave us. I know it feels impossible now, but I promise it will get easier,” she says, pulling me into a hug. I sob uncontrollably in her arms.
“I feel so lost and alone in the world,” I confess, holding onto her.
“You aren't lost. You just don't know where you are until you take that first step. That first step into the rest of your life.” She pulls back so she can see my face. “Don't forget them, bring them with you. Carry them in your heart.”
“Thank you, Lana. You've been so amazing.”
“Rebekah and I love having you here, Lexi. I hope you know that this is your home now. I know my sister wasn’t any kind of parent to you. She’s been running from her own demons since we were kids. That’s no excuse for what she put you through, but you need to know, we’re your family. We’re here for you, whatever you need,” she says, hugging me again.
“Will you help me find Matty?” I ask.
“Of course, we’ll see what we can find out. Did you know we met once before? You were this little wobbly threeyear-old, Matty was around five, I think. Erica showed up a few days before Christmas, no word or warning, with you two in tow. Lord, were we surprised to meet you! Mama nearly had a heart attack, finding out she was a grandmother. I never saw her so happy. She rushed out shopping, bought nearly the whole toy store for you two. We were determined to give you two a great Christmas. I was so excited to be an auntie.
“When we got back from shopping you and Matty were alone in the house; Erica had taken off, on Christmas Eve. You were with us all through New Year. She showed up a few days after New Year; just walked in, picked you up and walked out. Matty followed, like he always did. We should have stopped her. Goddess knows I wanted to stop her, but she was your mom. I’m so sorry we didn’t. But I’m here now, and I’m so glad I found you.” We are both in a pool of tears. How is it possible that I love this woman more than my own mother and I’ve known her five minutes?
“That’s a very cool camera,” she says.
I nod. “It is. Matty got it for me, I love taking pictures.”
“An artist, I knew it. I felt this incredible artistic vibe coming off you the moment I laid eyes on you,” she says, smiling down at me. I can’t help but laugh. She’s a trip.
“We will see what we can find out about your brother tomorrow. Come down for dinner and you and Bex can pretend you didn’t already eat. Then, you can tell me what had you cackling like demons up to no good when you walked in the door.” My eyes go wide a moment, wondering how much she knows.
“Hope you got those girls good this time,” she says, shaking her head as she walks out of my room. I glance down at the camera and scroll through a few more until I get to the one I know is there. Noah's smiling face comes on the small screen and I stare into his dark eyes. I miss him so much; my heart aches and I allow one tear to fall. I run my fingers over his lips, remembering what they felt like.
“I love you,” I whisper to him, hoping by some miracle he can hear me wherever he is.
I turn off the camera, placing it on my nightstand. I’m looking forward to spending half the night staring into his eyes. At least I can be grateful I have these memories of a life I had once, a life full of love and hope for the future. It will have to be enough to carry me through.
“Until we meet again,” I whisper into the dark.
Dinner was... edible, I guess. I'm starting to tire of Lana's vegan ways. Some dishes are tasty, but most are missing one key ingredient... meat. But like Bex, I love Lana and respect her enough to eat the food she has made for us.
Bex tells her what she did to that girl’s car and Lana laughs. We don't mention what I did, since it's illegal and aggressive; two things Lana disagrees with. Bex and I clean up after dinner together and then go up to her room. We listen to music and watch YouTube videos. I grab my camera and show Bex the pictures I took of my friends. As she looks through them all, her eyes light up. She jumps off her bed and starts rummaging through her desk, bringing a cord over. One end is plugged into my camera and the other into her computer, and she starts clicking and typing with a big smile, nodding her head occasionally.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“Just wait,” she says, holding up a finger. “You'll love it, I promise.” Then she disconnects the camera, hands it back to me and runs out of the room. I start playing with settings on my camera and snap a few pictures of her bedroom before she comes running back. Her hands are hiding behind her back and a huge smile is plastered on her face.
“What?” She thrusts her hands out and in them are photographs, the ones from my camera. All of them on photo paper, in perfect detail.
“You printed them? Thank you,” I say to her, tears clogging my throat. She just shrugs and sits back down.
“If they’re that important to you, you should be able to see them whenever you want,” she says, pointing to a picture on her nightstand I’d never noticed. It's of a woman in a flowing white dress in a field of daisies; she looks so much like Bex it can only be her mother. She picks up the frame, kisses it, then turns it to me with a wave of her hand.
“Mom, this is Lexi, she's my new sister. Lexi, this is my mom, Danika. I've told her all about you.” She places the frame back, adjusting it just so before turning back to me.
“She died when I was eight. I still talk to her every day though. I just thought, maybe, having the pictures to talk to will help you too,”
“It’s incredible, thank you,” I say, reaching across and pulling her into a hug as happy tears flow.
Later, I lay out all the pictures on my bed. It feels like decades ago, not months. I ask Lana for some tape and I arrange the pictures on the wall, making peace with my loss.
Bex is right, it feels better to see their faces and talk to them. To remind myself that they were real, that maybe Noah and I can overcome this separation. If only he would talk to me.
Lying in bed that night, I send out a prayer to Lana’s Goddess, for Noah and me to find each other. That this won’t be the end of us. My heart breaks thinking of Noah and Marco hurting over the death of Elise and the baby. Marco mourning the death of his young wife and unborn child. I yearn to hear Noah’s voice, but the number has been disconnected.
Bex left her laptop in my room and I can’t resist the urge to search the internet for them.
After starting it up, I search for Noah King, and Elise and Marco Heart, finding nothing on Facebook. Then I search Matthew Young. Nothing, well not nothing but there were about three hundred Matt Youngs. How on earth will I find them?
I send another prayer out to keep Matty safe. My heart is broken, and the shattered pieces had been scattered on the wind. I need to find them.
The next weekend Lana invites her boyfriend John over for dinner. There's a storm of
nervousness brewing in my stomach at the thought of him being anything like Erica’s boyfriends. I shrink into myself, avoiding eye contact for the duration of dinner. John tries to engage me in conversation, but my throat closes. and I give one-word answers to anything he asks. I push food around my plate long enough for everyone else to finish eating before I excuse myself from the table and hide in my room.
Bex comes in a little while later, sitting on the edge of my bed. “What’s going on, Lexi. What happened down there?”
“I just don’t want to ruin what I have here. When my mom brought guys around, if they looked at me for even a second she would flip out and hit me.”
“God, Lexi. Do you really think John and Lana are like that? I’ve known John for ten years, and he has never once made me feel uncomfortable or unsafe in any way. You need to trust us, we would never let anything bad happen to you.”
“You’re right. I’m such a mess.” I get up and go into the living room where Lana and John are sitting having a glass of wine. “I’m sorry, guys, I have a hard time opening up to new people. It’s just hard to change a lifetime of thinking all people are bad. I’m so sorry, John.”
“You don’t owe me an apology, Alexa. I understand how life can make you feel like nothing good could happen. Lana has told me a little about your history; anyone who’s lived through that would need to be guarded. It’s selfpreservation. I love Lana and Rebekah with my whole heart and hope that once you get to know me, you will let me in as you’ve let them in. I’m not so bad. Promise.”
“We love you, Lexi. Whatever you need to feel more comfortable, let us know,” Lana says, hugging me.
“I love you too, Lana. I can’t thank you enough for taking me in.”
Exposure Page 9