Chapter Ten
It came.
The make-or-break moment of my entire existence. An acceptance letter... or rejection from the art school of my dreams. Only an hour away from Lana’s, Bex and I will relocate this summer, if I’m accepted. I’ve been staring at this envelope for an hour, unable to face whatever future it holds within.
Their photography program is the best in the state and I desperately want in. I’ve never wanted something so badly in my entire life. I want to work with these brilliant people who already change the way we see things with their art. I knew it was the place for me when I started reading about the courses they off ered. It inspired me, I can see my future laid out before me. Being accepted would mean everything to me, but rejection, I’m terrifi ed what that would do to me.
I’ve worked so hard over the last year and now, with
the help of my teachers and Lana, I’ve got a shot. I know I do. Bex has been accepted into the veterinarian program at a school close by. Now it’s my turn to grab my future with both hands. I just need to open this letter.
In the end, Lana forced me into it, I wasn’t going to apply. I didn’t dare believe I could fulfill my dreams. I was raised to be invisible, that the things I wanted didn’t matter and no one really cared about my dreams. Everything always felt so out of reach.
The portfolio I submitted had a collection of pictures of Noah, Matty, Elise, and Marco with the story of my life and my trials and how my camera and photography became an outlet for my healing. A way to hold onto my past and give me the strength to reach for a future I never thought possible. Lana cried when she read it and said it was perfect.
Bex comes through the door, spotting me sitting at the kitchen table, chin resting on my folded arms, staring at the envelope dreams are made of. “Oh my god, is that what I think it is?”
“That depends, do you think it’s good news or bad?”
“You haven’t opened it yet?”
“No,” I say incredulously, like it’s a bomb that could detonate at any moment, destroying all my hopes for the future.
She strides over, picking it up and within seconds has it opened and is reading what it says.
“You’re in!” she screams. We jump around together excitedly.
“Yes!” I say, grabbing the paper out of her hands. There it
is in black and white, come fall I’ll be a college student, a photographer. All I need to do is get through these last two months of high school.
“Alexa Raine.”
The sound of my name ringing through the speakers sends a chill over my skin. I became Alexa Raine a few months after Lana took me in. She officially adopted me, leaving behind any attachment I had to Erica Young. I no longer belong to her, I belong to myself, and was thrilled when Lana asked if she could make it official. Honestly, I jumped at the chance to make a change and finish out our senior year as Lexi Raine. To separate myself from the noose Erica kept around my neck. Against all odds, I made it—this is it.
One step at a time I walk toward the stage where Principle Vicars is standing, ready to shake my hand. All I’ve got to do is walk up there, get my diploma, and walk across the stage. On the other side is my future. I’m really hoping I can do this without passing out. Come on, Lexi, you can do this, it’s only like fifteen steps, maybe twenty. Just walk up there, in front of all these people, shake her hand, take your diploma, and walk off. Simple things that I’m capable of, but I feel like all the air is being sucked out of the room. As I step up one, two, three steps, my breath quickens, and my palms get sweaty. Why am I so nervous? I’ve been looking forward to today; I’m out of high school, and eighteen. I can go wherever I want and be whoever I want to be. The first step to becoming my own person.
Lana and John cheering my name and hollering like I just won the Oscar and not a high school diploma snaps me out of my daydream. I scan the audience for their friendly faces. It doesn’t take long because Lana is holding up a sign with “Congrats, Bex and Lex” in glittery letters. It brings a smile to my face. Their support and love carry me across that stage and to the other side where Bex is waiting to envelop me in a big hug.
“This is it, Lex. We’re free from this place, we can do anything we want.”
A shrill laugh comes from behind me. Britney, the entitled swine, of course she must get one last dig in. “Yeah, you can do anything you want, you could work at Walmart or Hooters.” Then she glances down at my chest with a smirk. “Walmart, it is.” She turns to snicker with her three minions behind her. I clench my fists, nails digging into my skin. I will not murder her, I will not murder her.
I shoot Bex a wink before she steps up to respond to the evil cow. “Well, Hooters is better than the future you have ahead of you. Trapping some pre-med, mama’s boy, date-rapist into marriage. He’ll never get over his premature ejaculation but that won’t stop him from banging interns and nurses at the hospital working those late shifts. While you sit at home, hating yourself and your life a little more with every bottle of wine you drink, all because you’re a shallow cunt with no soul. Enjoy being a bitter, washed-up divorcee by thirty.”
Britney just stares in utter shock at the sting of that epic burn. It’s like you can watch every miserable moment of the dream life she wanted, get tainted by Bex’s words. Bex slips her arm around my shoulders, steering us away from any further drama.
“Alexa Raine, you ignore that mean-ass ho and let’s celebrate the rest of our lives!” she yells, high-fiving a random classmate. She’s always able to brush aside any bullying and harsh words thrown at her and walk away smiling. I just can’t stop the words from penetrating my armor, I never could. If someone says something hurtful, even as a joke, it digs into my soul like a burr and there it waits like a dark cloud on a sunny day, ready to ruin a good thing. I’m in control of my cutting but on my darkest days the temptation is still there. It may always be there, but it isn’t enough to push me over the edge.
Lana and John come over in a whirl of photo snapping and hugs. “I’m so proud of my girls!” Lana can’t hold back her tears as she looks at us. “So grown up. You girls ready for dinner? We made reservations at Positano Grill.”
Bex cuts in before I can answer. “We’ll meet you there. We just have a few proper goodbyes we haven’t said yet.” I watch her, confused, but don’t interrupt whatever she has planned. We send them off to our favorite restaurant while we enact whatever twisted plot Bex has up her sleeve this time. Knowing Britney’s dig will not go unpunished.
“What’s the plan, Bex? We going to dump a bucket of pig’s blood on her?”
“Ew, no! Lana would kill us if we did something so barbaric.”
“Color her car in jiffy marker? Banana in her gas tank?
I think we still have some fish guts in the freezer from last time? Oh, how about dog poop on the floor mats of her car again, that’s my favorite. She stank all day.” Chuckling to myself, I’m remembering everyone’s disgusted face as Britney walked down the hall. It was brilliant.
She looks at me longingly, batting her eyes and clutching her chest. “You’re the she to my nanigans, I’m proud to call you sister. No, this is our final attack, we can’t do some tired old prank we’ve already done three times this year,” she states as she rummages in her purse. “Ah ha! There it is.” She pulls out a large Ziploc bag full of glitter. Upon closer inspection, I see it’s a mix of regular glitter and penis glitter.
“What are you going to do with that bag of glitter dicks, Bex?”
“We, Lexi, the word is we. We are going to pour it into the air vents in her car, of course.” Like it should have been obvious.
I burst out laughing. “Lord, I love your cray ass.” She may take shit from Britney, but she gives twice as good as she gets. Revenge is like an art form for Bex, I’m just along for the laughs.
Instantly, we go in stealth-mode. Back-to-back, with our finger guns, we look around before running to the parking lot. Bobbing and weaving through people and cars,
like spies on the run. We spot our target; a cherry-red Mercedes convertible, license plate DADZGRL. She never puts the top up unless it’s raining, no matter how many times we’ve messed with her car. It’s like she’s asking for it.
“Keep watch.” I nod as Bex pulls a funnel out of her bag
of wonders. “You’re like freaking Mary Poppins with that thing.”
“Practically perfect, sounds about right.”
“Hurry up before someone sees.” Britney is having a photo shoot on stage with her parents, so she won’t be long.
Bex works methodically, filling each vent she can reach, emptying the massive bag. “Glitter, the gift that keeps on giving.”
We meet up with Lana and John for dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant after the ceremony hoopla is over.
“Come on, Lex. It’s one little party. Please come with me.” Bex has been hounding me nonstop, trying to convince me to go to this awful grad party I want no part of. I grew up in a drug-infested party house. I’m aware of the dangers of letting my guard down around drunk men.
“I can’t think of anything worse than fighting off drunk teenage boys as they drink until they puke or pass out.”
“Don’t you want some cute boy getting all up in your business?” She reaches out and mocks grabbing my boobs with a laugh.
“Ew, no!” I slap her grabby hands away, laughing.
“I do! Come on,” Bex insists. “I need to experience at least one high school party, or I’ll become some crazy deprived old lonesome cat lady. And probably a hoarder. I don’t want to be on my deathbed regretting not going to this party, letting my youth slip away without any fun.
“Good lord,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Being young and reckless is overrated. Give me adulthood and independence. And you know damn well that we’ll be the coolest cat ladies on the block.” I’m an old soul; give me peace and calm and I’m happy as a clam. Is that a saying? Are clams happy? How on earth would you tell?
“Please, I need to see Britney’s face. It’ll be the perfect way to say goodbye.”
“Fine,” I relent. Bex squeals and hugs me, excitedly. I hate parties, especially high school parties. Over the last ten months, Bex has dragged me to three parties. Each time swearing it will be the only time. I put up a fight but in the end, we always go. She is an unstoppable force of nature and I love her for it. Honestly, the parties aren’t so bad, we always have fun together. Unless Britney’s there, then we let loose the shenanigans.
Bex and I have made that girl’s life hell just as much as she has with us. It’s a delicate balance and one that we take very seriously. After all, evilness of this magnitude deserves one final shenanigan.
The night progresses exactly as expected with Britney showing up with her skin blotchy from scrubbing the glitter. She knows it was us but for some reason avoids verbally attacking us.
Bex decides to get legendarily drunk. One second she’s talking with friends in the kitchen and boom, the next she’s ten Jell-O shots in. Ten! I pry the tray from her hands and sit her on the couch while I run to get her a glass of water. I’m having a decent enough time, until I spot Bex over Greg the pig’s shoulder, as she drifts in and out of consciousness. “Oi, hands off,” I call out to him. He locks eyes with me
for a second but clearly not taking my ‘hands off’ seriously, he carries her out of the room, smacking her ass, much to the amusement of his friends. They disappear down a hallway to the right of the kitchen. Looks like I’m going to have to kick some ass. Pushing my way through the throngs of party people, I go slowly at first, but quickly turn aggressive when they don’t get out of my way. This is exactly why I didn’t make any friends with these people. Not one of them cares what is going on. I swear, I’ll kill him if he touches her.
Opening every door in the hall, I find them on the third try. My heart drops at the sight in front of me. Bex lies limp on the bed, shirtless. He’s on top of her. I jump on his back, screaming, punching him wildly. Why do guys think they have the right to any woman’s body?
Britney comes in the room, laughing. “You will pay for what you did to my car, bitch.”
“Aww, we thought you liked taking dicks to the face. Pretty sure that’s what we read on the bathroom wall, right,
Bex?”
“You wrote that!”
“Doesn’t mean it’s not true, dick face.” I can’t hold back my snicker.
Bex chuckles. “Dick face.” Pointing at Britney, she then pukes over the side of the bed. Wiping the puke with her sleeve, she slurs, “What’s going on?”
“You’re a lousy cock tease is what’s happening,” spits Greg. My fist flies out of nowhere, connecting with his face, causing him to double over, squealing in pain.
Britney takes a pathetic swing at me, snapping Bex
out of her drunken state as she launches herself at Britney, screaming like a banshee. Us versus them in an epic battle of the ages. More people rush into the room as our fight escalates. Bex and I are taking on four of the nastiest bitches at our school, with blood and mayhem. We keep swinging and pulling hair until the flashing lights arrive and everyone starts to scatter.
When the cops enter the room, Britney has hold of my hair and I’m swinging at her face. Bex is now sitting on the floor throwing anything she can get her hands on at Lacy, Britney’s friend. They break up the party, lining Bex, Britney, and me up against their cars, all messy hair, underage drinking and fighting. No shocker we are thrown in the back of the cop cars. Happy Graduation, indeed.
Sitting in the dark, waiting for them to drive us to the station, panic sets in. “Lana is going to kill us,” I say to Bex. She’s holding a paper towel to her bleeding nose.
She side-eyes me, raising an eyebrow. “Lana will bail us out.”
“I’m sorry I got us in a fight.”
“Are you kidding me? This has become favorite high school memory, ever. We kicked some serious ass in there,” Bex says, holding up her hand for a high five. We both laugh at the chaos that was our last high school shenanigan. She curls up with her head in my lap. “Hard to believe a year ago you were a stranger to me, and now we are sisters for life. Life’s funny that way. Love you, Lex.”
“Love you, Bex.” She goes quiet and I know she’s fallen asleep. I watch her sleep, and can’t help but smile. She’s so much fun and lightness. So much like Elise. I feel like in some strange way, Elise sent me Lana and Bex. Knowing how much I needed them. How much their love would help me heal.
Since no charges were laid and the fact it was grad night, they let us off with a warning. Though, it takes Lana three hours to get us out. I’m pretty sure she let us stew for a while on purpose. She turns a blind eye to most of our shenanigans but this, she won’t be happy about. Especially Bex being drunk and fighting.
Sure enough, the concern on Lana’s face when she comes into view says it all. Her eyes are red and puffy, she’s been crying. Guilt swells in my stomach; I did this to her. I could have stopped tonight from happening.
“Sorry, Lana,” I say, leading Bex to Lana’s car. Lana shakes her head, taking the other side of Bex, and wrangling her lanky ass into the backseat of her car.
The drive home is quiet, aside from Bex’s snores. I keep looking over at Lana, trying to think of something to say, to gage how angry she is. “Please say something, Lana.”
“There’s nothing to say. You are adults now, your first night out you messed up. I’m not thrilled you girls resorted to violence, but I believe in my heart you stand by your reasons. I hope you had fun but more importantly, I hope you learned your lesson and this doesn’t happen again.”
Lying in bed, I let the events of tonight sink in. Though I didn’t get drunk or do drugs, I acted out violently and got arrested. How am I any different than my mother if this is how I control myself? I clench my fists and close my eyes, trying to block out the Erica Young commentary running through my mind, calling me useless trash and a full arsenal of insults on repeat. I drag in a shaky breath
as images of a knife cutting my arm flashes in my mind. I will not cut. I will not let memories make me hurt myself. The butterflies etched on my arm always calm my breathing and bring me back to myself. Live for Elise. Accept the things I can’t change, and never forget how far I’ve come.
In the quiet darkness of the night, Noah is never far from my heart or mind. My heart aches for his touch, his voice. Anything to keep him close. I have my pictures from last summer that decorate my walls, but I need more. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don’t long for his touch. A year later and I know in my heart he was my soul mate. I will find him, even if it’s just to say sorry for my part in Elise’s death. I need closure or reconciliation. I feel incomplete without him.
Chapter Eleven
The fi rst week after graduation goes by in a fl ash of planning. Bex and I’ve been searching up apartments and jobs in the area close to the art school, my art school. I give a secret little squeal at the fact I’m going to be learning everything there is to know about photography. This is really happening.
Sadly, the excitement bubble pops when we realize rent, in the places close to the school, is atrocious and we will have to work three full-time jobs, on top of school, just to cover it.
“How are we going to do this, Bex.”
With a sigh, she fl ops back onto the couch. “I have no freaking idea. We’ll just have to search further away. Your commute will suck but at least we’ll be able to aff ord to eat.”
Lana and John walk in carrying grocery bags. “Girls, there’s more in the car, can you grab them please.”
We amble out to collect the rest of the bags and help put everything away.
“What’s got you two looking so miserable?” John asks, popping a grape in his mouth.
Bex hops up on the counter, looking defeated. “All the places near school are way overpriced. It’s like they are specifically gouging money from students.”
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