Arms wrap around me. “You know she’d kick your ass for blaming yourself. None of it was your fault.” I cry into his arms. He guides me back to the car where Jess looks at me with huge tears pooled in her sweet blue eyes. In the car, she holds my hand on the ride home. “Don’t be sad, Auntie Lexi, Mama would be so happy to see you.”
This kid. I pull her as close as I can and kiss her head. “You’re right, sweetheart. I’ll try.” Life is too wonderful to feel anything but love and happiness. Noah’s right, Elise wouldn’t want me to wallow, she would want me to dance in the rain and laugh every day. For her, I’ll try.
Chapter Nineteen
Breathe in... and breathe out. I keep my eyes closed as I let the sun warm my skin. Just keep breathing.
“Today is a dream come true.” Lana gushes over me, tears in her eyes. She fiddles with my hair for the millionth time in the last twenty minutes. She’s visibly excited about today, but then so am I.
Bex is watching me cautiously, making sure I’m okay. “You know you have nothing to be nervous about, right?”
“I know, Bex. I’m okay, better than okay.” I can’t stop smiling. I’m marrying Noah King today.
After a chaotic three weeks of planning, our wedding day has fi nally arrived.
Everything is set up on the beach we sat on, making plans for our future, so many years ago. The coordinates etched on our skin, guiding our way back here.
The wide, endless blue sky stretches out above us, as here
we stand, with our family around us. A handful of people on a beach. Perfection. Neither of us wanted anything fancy; just a simple, elegant, and lovely ceremony with those people who mean the world to us. Our new family, celebrating two people who are truly meant for each other. The weather is flawless as always and as the sun begins to set, I know it is time. So much perfection wrapped up in this incredible day.
The sun is setting, cascading streaks of brilliant color across the sky. It is the perfect background to our vows. Paper lanterns light the whole area up with a golden hue, with pops of orange and red accents throughout. The beauty of it all takes my breath away.
I settled on a simple white lace dress, formfitting in the bodice and flowing beautifully to my bare feet. I wanted my toes in the sand today, fancy wedding dress be damned. No one was going to fight the bride on this little detail. With my arm looped in John’s, we walk out onto the beach, toward Noah and our future together.
Little Jess walks ahead of us in her sparkly pale pink dress, laying flower petals at her feet in such a serious and delicate manner; you can tell she’s taking her flower girl job very seriously. Matty’s boy, Marshall, acts as our ring bearer, standing in front of where Matty and Cara are seated. Both little ones are doing a great job considering this has to be boring to a child.
With our family and friends circled around us, we vow to love and protect each other from this day forward. We spend the evening under a million twinkly lights, laughing and dancing our night away. It is the single most perfect day of my life. How did I get here? How do all my dreams lie at my feet after years of wanting? I keep reminding myself that this isn’t a dream, that I am now Lexi King.
My heart is giddy.
A few days later we are packing for the honeymoon; Marco booked us a bungalow right on the beach for a week, as a wedding present. Noah has to run to the shop to finish up his last tattoo before we head out. Which works out perfectly because I need to swing by Bex and Marco’s house to coerce her into lending me her flowery beach wrap. Jess is at school when I arrive, but I hear a ruckus coming from somewhere in the back of the house.
“Hey, Bex, I need, like physically need to borrow your beach wrap for the honeymoon, I can’t find mine and we leave tomorrow morning,” I say as I walk into her bedroom. Where I come face to... not exactly face with a very naked Marco and Bex. I scream bloody murder and run out screaming, “My eyes, I’m blind. Oh, my god! Marco, stop touching my sister!”
I can hear Marco swearing and Bex laughing, as I assume they right themselves before having to face me. Everything between those two is a powder keg. I knew this was going to happen, no matter how many times she assured me they weren’t banging.
“Grow up, Lexi, it’s sex, you’re a married woman now, I’m sure you know what it is,” Marco states with an eye roll as he steps into the kitchen, throwing a shirt on as he approaches.
“I knew this would happen when she moved in here, I just didn’t expect to get a front row seat.”
Bex slinks out, looking guilty, like her mom caught her making out on the couch. She tosses the beach wrap at me. “Keep it, it looks better on you anyway.”
“You don’t need to bribe my acceptance, Bex. I love you both. If you think you can make this work, I’m happy for you both. And I will keep it, thank you,” I say, sticking my tongue out. I’m happy for them. I knew there was something going on with them but neither mentioned it, so I assumed it was private. Inside, I do a little happy dance. “Two of my favorite people have found each other, are going to get married and have lots of babies,” I exaggerate excitedly, just to annoy them.
Their response is perfection as they both groan, “Ugh, shut up,” and “Jesus woman, what is wrong with you?” I laugh all the way to my car. This is going to be fun. I beeline for Noah’s shop, eager to tell him what I found. I’m giggling to myself as I walk in to his office, still not believing what I saw.
“What are you laughing at?” Noah asks, walking over to kiss me.
“I just busted Bex and Marco, naked.”
Laughing, Noah says, “Ha! I knew it! They were acting weird at the reception. It’s going to be fun torturing them.”
“We can tease them when we get back. It’s honeymoon time, baby.”
Noah leans over, planting a kiss on my lips. “Naked honeymoon time.”
“I won’t be naked all the time.”
“Stop killing the dream, babe, let’s go before you get any other crazy ideas.”
***
A month or so after our wedding, I get an email from Matty. He’s heard about a job opening on a base nearby and is trying to swing a transfer but tells me not to get my hopes up because these things take time. With luck he will be moving to Cali next year. He’ll still be a couple hours away but just knowing I could hop in my car and see them, makes my heart happy. I’ve been messaging Cara and we get along well. She has the best sense of humor; I adore her and Marshall.
Since the wedding we’ve settled into our blissful little lives together happily. Every day is a dream come true, a beautiful life I didn’t dare dream would come to fruition a few years ago. What more could I ever want or need?
A baby perhaps?
Because that’s what the two lines on the test I have clenched in my hand is telling me. I’m pregnant, and freaking the hell out because we only just got home from our honeymoon. We’ve only been married a hot minute. I do what I always do when the world feels like it’s closing in on me: I call Lana and ask her to come over for tea. I need to talk this out with her before I lose my mind.
After I’ve got her seated at the table with a tea in her hands, she begins, “So, what’s got you in a panic?” “I’m pregnant,” I blurt.
She jumps up squealing and hugging me. After a moment, when she realizes I’m not as gleeful, her face turns somber and she sits back down. “Why aren’t you happy? You found the man of your dreams, against all odds, got married and are expecting. That sounds like a damn fairy tale, not something to be sad about. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“What if I end up ruining this child, like I was ruined, what if I’m not strong enough?”
“You are, of that I’m sure. You’re going to be a brilliant mother and you have us all to lean on when you have a bad day.” She takes my face in her hands so I’m looking directly into her eyes. “You are strong and loving and will make this child’s life, a life of dreams. Don’t be sacred, my dear. Tell Noah, let him ease your fears.”
�
�You’re right, as always. I don’t know why I panicked. It’s just... I never imagined any of this was possible a short time ago. It’s all happening so fast.”
“When the universe hands us our dreams, we don’t ask why. We smile and hold that dream close.”
With Lana’s help, I realize that no matter how we’re raised, what kind of damage was done to us, we can grow and become better than our parents.
“Just because you were raised in hell doesn’t mean you can’t give love. No one is perfect, Lexi, but the love you can offer a child is limitless. You’ll be an amazing mother. I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become.”
“Thank you, Lana, I couldn’t have done it without you.” “I’m going to be a grandma!” Lana shouts, at the same time Bex says from where she was standing in the doorway, “I’m going to be an auntie?”
“You sneaky cow! Well, I guess since the cat’s out of the bag, I’d better tell Noah. Do you think he’ll be excited?”
“Of course he will,” Bex assures me. We share a hug and make plans to go baby shopping.
Once I’ve calmed down I realize this isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a whole new life. I’m married and having a baby with the love of my life. Now, I just need to tell Noah.
Chapter Twenty
Why am I so nervous? I know Noah loves me and will love our baby with his whole heart, but there is that awful voice in my head. I’ve spent my entire life trying to fi ght against that voice; the one telling me I’m not good enough. I take a deep breath, locking away my doubt and focusing on telling Noah the good news.
“What’s all this?” Noah asks when he walks into the living room, where I’ve laid out a picnic dinner and arranged candles, setting the mood. Which I regret now, because it looks ridiculous and I’m making way too big a deal out of this.
I walk over to greet him with a kiss. “It’s silly, but I wanted to do something special today. How was work?”
“Good, busy. How was your day?”
“I didn’t get much work done but I had Lana over for tea and Bex stopped by.”
He tilts his head, looking at me curiously. “What happened? You only have tea with Lana when you need her advice. Are you okay?”
I slip up on my toes, wrapping my arms around his neck, kissing him. Like ripping a Band-Aid off, I say, “I’m pregnant.”
He gasps against my lips. “Really?”
I nod, as a tear slips down my cheek; I’m so emotional today. “You’re going to be a daddy, Noah.”
He picks me up and swings me around, laughing. Stopping abruptly, he drops to his knees in front of me, placing his hands on my stomach. “I’m going to spoil you so hard, kiddo,” he says before lifting my shirt and planting a kiss below my belly button, sending a shiver through my whole body. He looks up at me with a brilliant smile. “I love you, Lexi.”
“I love you too,” I say, dropping to the floor, kissing him with all that I am.
“That was one hell of a honeymoon,” he says with a chuckle and a smug look. I can’t help but laugh and roll my eyes.
With the whole family gathered that Sunday for dinner, we share our news, which is of course greeted with hugs and congratulations.
“Nice work on the honeymoon, Noah,” Marco says, earning him a fist bump.
“Oh my god, what is it with guys? They act like they built a house.”
“Better, he built a baby!” His comment earns him a high
Exposure
five from Noah and an eyeroll from me. These two, they’re giant children.
Matty and Cara couldn’t make it, but we video chat with them, letting them know a niece or nephew is on the way. He has tears in his eyes and congratulates us. I can’t wait for them to move closer.
Sitting at the table, I look around at this family I built up out of nothing, a family that was scattered to the wind, until against all odds we found our way back into each other’s lives. They’ve become everything to me, and make my heart full just knowing they’re in my life. I feel like my life is complete, personally and professionally.
Noah tucks me into his side, catching me watching Jess show everyone a magic trick. Lana has embraced the role of grandma to Jess, taking her for sleepovers once a month, and Jess is thriving having all us girls around. Poor thing has lived in an all-boys world for so long, so we’re training her in the ways of the girl.
“I never knew life could be so fulfilling, so happy,” I say, leaning my head on his shoulder.
“You deserve all the happiness in the world. You’ve shed enough tears for a lifetime, I plan on spending the rest of my life making sure your days are blissfully happy.”
“Mission accomplished.”
I used my past pain to empower me to keep going when it felt like the whole world was closing in on me, when everything seemed so dark and hopeless. All along, I kept a small flicker of hope alive that the universe would bring
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my family back. That one day the world wouldn’t be so painful, that one day I too would get the happily ever after I deserved.
The universe is beautiful; never forget that.
Epilogue...
I wake up gasping, cradling my swollen belly as it tenses and the baby rolls over inside. What was that? I breathe my way through the pain emanating through my middle.
Noah stirs beside me, resting a hand on my belly. “Are you okay? Is it time?”
“I think so, but I’m not sure.” Slowing my breathing, I lie on my side facing him, the light from the windows shining in. It’s morning, but just barely. Noah sits up beside me, placing a hand on my belly. “What if...” The baby rolls again, making me wince, and then the cramping starts up again. Something’s wrong, I can feel it.
“Those were close together, babe. I think we should go to the hospital.”
“Oh god, it’s time. I have to call Lana, and Bex, and...”
“Babe. All you have to do is breathe. I’ll call Marco, he will call the rest of the entourage. We have set everything up and its going to be okay.” I’m sitting up in bed, clinging to my swollen belly. “Look at me,” Noah says, touching my chin. I lock eyes with the man of my dreams; the father of my baby. “Everything will be okay.” And I believe him. His certainty is shining through his dark eyes and I can’t help but smile.
“I love you, Noah.”
“I love you too, now let’s get you ready,” he says, reaching out his hands for me to take. At this phase of my pregnancy, I need his assistance to get to my feet.
The moment I stand up, warm water gushes between my legs. “Oh,” is all I say, attempting to see over my belly to the puddle on the floor.
“Well, that escalated quickly.” A smile plays on his handsome face. How is he not terrified? Right, because it’s my vagina that’s about to be destroyed. I cringe, remembering the birthing video I watched. So much screaming and pushing. “Lexi, I’ll get the car ready, you call Marco and Bex, I’ll be right back to help you get dressed, okay.” He places a phone in my shaky hands.
“How are you so calm?”
“Because by the end of today, we will have our baby in our arms. That’s all that matters.”
“Tell that to my vagina,” I mumble, dialing my cell.
Bex answers the phone on the third ring, screaming, “Is it baby time?”
“Yes, we will be going to the hospital soon. I need you to text everyone. We’ll text as soon as we know what’s happening.”
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She squeals into the phone so loud I have to pull it away from my ear. “Baby time!”
The line goes quiet for a moment and my voice croaks, “I’m scared, Bex.”
Her gasp is audible. “You are going to be amazing, you and Noah are the perfect parents and this baby will be the world’s most loved child that has ever existed. With a huge family showering it with love every day of its life. You hear me?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I say with a smile. “I love you.”
“Love you too. O
kay, you go birth that sweet baby and I’ll call the cavalry and meet you there!”
I hang up as Noah walks in. “Everything’s loaded, you get a hold of Bex?”
I nod, leaning my head against his chest. He rubs his hands down my back. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I gaze dreamily into his dark eyes and smile. Today we become a family.
When our baby girl is placed in my arms, the moment as I lock eyes with her, I fall in love and everything clicks into place. The last piece of my heart is healed. Surrounded by my family, I’m finally whole.
It has been a long road here but every bump, every dark twist and turn has lead us here, the beginning of something so powerful. From the harsh exposure to the dark world to the overwhelming power of love. I feel complete now. Cradling this sweet baby in my arms I know now, everything will be all right.
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Love is worth all the pain and uncertainty I’ve experienced in my life; this moment, this is what it’s all about. This moment is everything. With Noah by my side and my family around us for support, we can take on anything. Even our own happily ever after.
~The End~
Acknowledgements
Biggest thanks always goes to Kristian, my love. You are an amazingly supportive man, father and husband, we are lucky to have you in our lives. Thank you for always being the glue that holds us all together.
Thank you, Crystal, for every single day you listened to me rant about all my doubts, and told me to hush and keep writing. I appreciate your friendship more than you know.
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