Heart of Clay (The Tanner Series Book 6)

by Jo Willow

  Beth looked him in the eye and addressed his concerns.

  “Bill, Mitch and I have been wading through this courtship for six years now. He’s the only father my daughter has ever known and my son mimics him down to the cocked eyebrow and hands in his pocket. He wants to adopt them. We live next door to one another and that’s just stupid now. He’s asked me to marry him and I’ve accepted. We’re ready to make it legal and get on with our lives. We’ve got a business to run and our kids go back to school in a couple of months. We don’t have the time or the money for some big ridiculous wedding that neither one of us gives a flip about. Now will you do it or not?”

  Bill looked at Mitch who was staring with blinding intensity at Beth.

  “Mitch? How do you feel about this?”

  “I love her. I feel the same way. I just didn’t think she’d want to get married that fast. I haven’t exactly been a prize fiance lately.”

  Beth turned to him quickly and took his hand.

  “Do you love me?”

  “More than anything.”

  “Do you still wanna marry me?”

  “I’d do it right now if I could.”

  “Then that’s all we need. We’ll take care of the rest. We’ll let Bill here take care of the finer points, then we’ll leave the kids while we go home and move everything to your house. When we pick up the kids, we’ll take them home. To our home. We’ve got everything we need for a wedding. We’ve got family. We’ll pick up the rings while we’re in town. Any objections?”

  Mitch held on to Patty while he leaned over and kissed his bride to be. Bill saw the obvious affection and the look of unrestrained joy on Patty’s face. His reservations melted with the kiss and he cleared his throat.

  “You bring me a license and I’ll marry you on Monday.”

  Beth smiled at Mitch while she spoke to Bill.

  “We’ll have to wait until after his appointment with the shrink. Then we’ll go into town and get everything we need. We’ll get married Monday evening. We can do it out back if you like.”

  “I’ll tell the girls and they can throw something together I’m sure. Congratulations you two.”

  Mitch and Beth both looked at him and smiled.

  Beth picked up the suitcase and started toward the foyer, when Mitch snatched it from her hand. He’d put Patty on the chair when he saw what she was up to.

  “You’re not carrying that. Lead on and I’ll follow.”

  When they entered the foyer, he saw the grand piano with his red urn sitting on it. The effect was mesmerizing and he stopped to stare at it. Beth stared at him, enjoying the look on his face.

  “I don’t know why you’re surprised Mitch. It’s a beautiful piece in a beautiful home. You’re an artist. You need to get used to people displaying your work like this. It’s perfect there, don’t you think?”

  “I don’t know what to say. I’ve never seen one of my pieces actually displayed in a private collection before. I’m speechless.”

  “I love it there. Carie says she likes to look at it while she plays.”

  Mitch smiled and bowed his head. His family believed in him more than he’d given them credit for. Beth knew and she’d told him, but he hadn’t believed it until he’d come face-to-face with the evidence.

  She made a left turn and led him down a hallway, turning right through a doorway. The sitting room was a sunny yellow and held a fireplace, a conversation group and a computer on a desk. To the left was a door that was closed, straight ahead was another door and Beth was walking through it.

  “Beth, are we supposed to be in here?”

  “These are our rooms babe. This is where we’re staying. The kids are right next door.”

  They stopped in a bedroom and she took the suitcase from him, placing it on the bed. She opened it and started unpacking their things when he stopped her with his hands on her shoulders. She faced away from him, but she stood perfectly still and waited.

  Mitch stood on shaky ground. Everything had changed in the last twenty-four hours and he knew he’d fit firmly into the category of “fool” if he thought otherwise. She’d been remarkably calm over his behaviour and the revelations that had hit her since early that morning, that did not translate to forgiveness. He knew that too. The things she’d said to Bill amazed him, yet he was still skeptical. He knew she must have questions and he had a few of his own.

  “Beth are you marrying me because you love me or hate her? I have to know.”

  “Are you marrying me because you love me or are afraid of her hold on you? It seems to me that both questions come down to her and her influence on our lives. I’d like to know something Mitch. When did it stop being about us?”

  Beth turned in his hands and looked up at him. He saw her green eyes blazing and felt the emotion rolling from them. He couldn’t tell if it was anger or pain, but it was intense and there would be no apologizing or justifying. All she wanted was answers. His day of reckoning had arrived and he was anything but ready for it.

  “The proposal was always about us. That had nothing to do with her.”

  “How about Brian? Did it have anything to do with Brian and his sudden appearance?”

  “No. I started carrying the ring around when I got back and you were gone. The thought that I’d lost you and didn’t know where you were, hit me like nothing else Beth. I made up my mind that if I found you again, the ring was going on your finger. I swear it.”

  “Okay. If we’re gonna do this then there will be no swearing or apologizing. There has to be nothing but truth between you and me. No matter how painful, we’re gonna rip the scab off and open the wound. Are you ready?”

  Mitch ran his hands up and down her arms and watched her. He wasn’t ready at all, but he didn’t know how to tell her that. She must’ve seen it on his face because she looked down and started twisting her hands.

  “If you can’t talk to me now; if you can’t talk to your best friend, then we have no business with Bill at all. I can’t believe we’ve grown so far apart that we can’t even talk to one another Mitch.”

  He wasn’t going to touch her. He felt he had no right to that after what he’d done, again. Like every other promise he’d made to himself lately, he broke that one as well. He pulled her into his arms and held on tightly. The side of his face rested on the top of her head and he rocked her back and forth.

  Beth hadn’t planned on telling him how numb she felt. She’d known what Marla was handing her the minute she saw the envelope. She knew it was heartbreak on a shiny silver disk. It was a memento of a life that was slipping through her hands like water from a faucet. She’d never really have it and if she did manage to hold it for even a little while, it would escape in small trickles until it was gone. He’d eventually leave her just like Brian did. The one thing she was most afraid of was the one thing she’d never said out loud to anyone. She knew in her heart, she just wasn’t good enough. Not for Brian, not for Mitch, probably not for anyone. That was why she’d stayed alone for as long as she had.

  Beth was sinking into a pit and losing a battle she was ill prepared to fight. Tears threatened to take over where her courage failed and no matter what she’d said, she wasn’t sure she was ready for the truth.

  Mitch held her because she let him. She didn’t pull away or tell him no and that was good enough for the moment. He wasn’t ready for this conversation because he was holding on to the one they’d had in the kitchen. The one where she wanted to marry him in two days and she believed in him and his love for her and the kids. That was the conversation he wanted to replay in his head until Monday came and went and she wore his ring and his name. He wasn’t ready for tearful goodbyes or accusations of betrayal.

  He knew there was no way she’d ever believe he hadn’t betrayed her. Why would she? If he were in her shoes and she was handing him the same situation with Brian, he’d of taken the ring back and locked himself away. Acceptance and forgiveness wouldn’t even be words on his horizon, much less emotions
in his heart. Yet here he was praying and hoping beyond hope, that she’d stand by him and help him work through this.

  “Oh god Beth. What right do I have to even think that you might love me enough to stay with me? What have I ever done to think I might even be a little worthy of your affection and understanding? Who the hell do I think I am to remotely believe I’m good enough for you?”

  He’d whispered the words he was afraid to say out loud. He’d always been lousy at expressing himself and he was sure he’d screwed this up as well. When she stopped his gentle rocking motion and looked up at him, he saw the first spark of affection he’d seen in her eyes in days. He swallowed hard and waited, unsure of where to go from here.

  Beth stood on her tiptoes and pulled him down for a kiss. It was soft, sweet and soothing. Neither one of them tried to deepen it or turn it into something it wasn’t. When they finally separated, he took her hand and sat down on the bed, pulling her in front of him. He put his face against her abdomen and sighed, his arms wrapped around her thighs.

  “Would you lay down with me? Not naked, not with an ulterior motive in mind at all. Just lay down with me and talk to me. I feel like it’s been forever since we talked and sex wasn’t involved. I just wanna lay here with my arm around you and talk with you. Can we do that?”

  “Lord Mitch I hope so. I’ll try not to rip your clothes off, but if I lose sight of the objective, slap me down and remind me.”

  He peeked up at her and she winked at him, making him grin and shake his head. He pulled hard on her thighs causing her to lose her balance. She grabbed his shoulders for support and yipped before he lay back on the bed, taking her with him.

  Beth lay sprawled on top of him, his arms around her waist. She reached over and grabbed a pillow, tucking it under his head. Then she folded her arms on his chest and lay her chin on her hands, staring at him. She was quite comfortable and he didn’t seem inclined to move.

  “Tell me what you feel when you’re with her.”

  “Mostly wary. I’m good until she touches me. She never just touches my arm or anything as innocent as that. She always goes for my chest or the buttons on my pants.”

  “Then what happens?”

  “I get angry and something takes over. It’s never an act of love with her, it’s always an act of violence. It’s like we’re trying to one-up each other to see who can establish dominance. That’s the only way I can explain it.”

  “If I watched the CD or part of it, would I see what you’re talking about?”

  “If you could get past what you were watching I think you would. You know me well enough to spot the difference. I’m just afraid that emotion would get in the way and I’d lose you five minutes in.”

  “Did you bring the CD with you?”

  Mitch blushed and rubbed her back in an absentminded gesture.

  “I brought it in case Dr. Faust wanted to see it. It’s in the suitcase.”

  “Would you watch it with me while the kids are busy and we’re alone?”

  “You want to watch me in a porn video? Are you sure that’s safe?”

  “I’m not sure of anything at all Mitch. That’s what this is about. I’m hoping to get a little more sure of myself and where I stand with you.”

  Mitch shifted and rolled her to her side, keeping his arms around her waist. When they were laying side by side, looking at one another, he kissed her again and gazed dreamily into her eyes.

  “I don’t care what I do or what you see, you never have to doubt your standing with me. I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you holding that wrench and crying your eyes out in that old bathroom. When you brought Patty home from the hospital and you put her in my arms, I felt a tug I still can’t explain. I felt like she was ours and I wanted to have half a dozen more with you. You’re everything to me Beth. I could say I love you a million times but that doesn’t quite cut it. What I feel for you is so much more than that, I get frustrated trying to put it into words.”

  “You’re doing a great job so far Shakespeare.”

  “Tell me how you feel Beth. I’ve fucked this up eighty ways from Sunday and I’ve always had security issues anyway. The thought of you watching that CD is terrifying me.”

  Beth felt naked and exposed. Here was her chance to tell him her deepest, darkest fear. If she couldn’t trust him with this, she could never hope to trust him with her children or any child they might conceive together. This was the honesty and total disclosure she’d asked him for. When he’d turned it around on her, she understood she’d have to give it to receive it.

  “I feel like I’m lacking in something of substance. Before you go off on me, let me explain.”

  Mitch kissed her forehead and she leaned back to look at him. If she was going to bare her soul, she would gauge his reaction while she did it.

  “When Brian left me, he didn’t even say goodbye to Scott. He had a son and a baby on the way and he just left us. I never knew if it was something that I said or did, I only knew that somehow I wasn’t good enough to keep him. I moved into that broken down old house and thought that I could make it a home for me and the kids. I couldn’t even fix a leaky faucet. It was too much. You and Rae walked in and fixed everything. You were such a good friend to us and I never even dreamed that it could be anything more.”

  She paused and closed her eyes, the hardest part was coming and she needed to find the strength to get it out. He kissed her forehead again and tucked her hair behind her ear.

  “When you kissed me and told me you loved me, I had hope again. You knew me. You’d taken the time to get to know me and my kids and you loved us. I started thinking that maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe it was him, not me. Then all of this happened. I couldn’t hang on to him and I’ll never be able to hang on to you because you’re twice the man he ever was. There’s something about me Mitch that makes it impossible for anyone to stay. I don’t know if it’s as simple as my cooking or the way I look, or if it’s more complicated. Maybe I’m not sophisticated enough or maybe I’m lousy in bed. I don’t know because no one’s ever taken the time to explain it to me. I just know I’m not good enough. My kids keep me from going off a cliff and I’m grateful I’ve got them. I’ve never believed, not even for a minute, that I could keep you happy and satisfied. I never believed we’d actually get married. I knew it was too good to be true. I guess I’m telling you all of this because I want you to know it’s okay. I do love you and I genuinely care about you and what you need. It’s okay that it’s not me. You need to know that I understand.”

  There were no tears and that disturbed him. If she’d cried while she spoke, he could attribute her little speech to heartbreak. That he could understand and possibly deal with. He watched her while she spoke and he knew she believed every word she was saying. She was relaying a simple truth as she saw it and it floored him. He couldn’t help but wonder how she could say this, think this, believe this, so completely.

  “Beth, do you believe my family loves you?”

  “I know they like me, I don’t know if they love me.”

  “They do. Probably more than they love me at the moment. If David didn’t have Claire, he’d be stealing you from me right now. I know it and so does he.”

  “Why does that matter?”

  “It matters because of one thing. If you never understand anything else about the Tanners, understand this: When we fall in love, it’s forever. There’s no going back. It takes us awhile to find the right one, but once we do, that’s it. I love you Beth. There’s no one else and there never will be. That’s how I know I have a problem and I need help. You are everything I’ve ever wanted. You’re cute and sassy and you make me happy. Making love with you is exactly that and I live for those moments. There will never be something new or better or different. I’m not interested. I’m going to marry you on Monday and we’ll stay married the rest of our lives. Brian was an idiot and I intend to capitalize on his mistake. He was the one that wasn’t good enough, not you. Maybe he knew tha
t and that’s why he left. Did you forget that he came back? You’re mine and I’m keeping you. I don’t know what else to say.”

  The knot of doubt that had been sitting like a ball of lead in her stomach for years, began to unravel. It might’ve been the man, it might’ve been his words. It might’ve been that she needed to believe him, so she did. It didn’t matter. He sounded so sure, it solidified her love and her resolve.

  “Mitch, would you kiss me like you mean it?”

  “Baby, I always mean it.”

  She wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled at him. In that simple gesture he knew something had changed. They were different. They were Tanners together and always would be. They’d spoken their vows just as surely as if they’d been standing in front of Bill with a license in their hand.

  “I feel like you just became my wife.”

  “I think I did. I feel like I did. What just happened?”

  “We shared our secrets. I know I feel better. You?”

  “I feel like a new woman. Wanna go outside and play with the family?”

  “I’d rather stay inside and play with you.”

  “I understand that, but we need to make an appearance.”

  “You’re not moving like you’re ready to get up.”

  “Maybe I’m still waiting for you to kiss the bride Mr. Tanner.”

  “Never let it be said that I couldn’t take direction from my wife Mrs. Tanner.”

  Mitch kissed his soulmate and then kissed her for another thirty minutes, just to be on the safe side.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Beth spent a day and a half watching Mitch bond with his family. Tim and Pam convinced him to surrender a few of his pieces to sell in their shops, while Beth rocked Charlie and Jace and spent hours talking to Carie and Amber about children. She couldn’t believe how inseparable Jem and Alex were and when she pointed out how cute they were, Amber elbowed her in the side.