Rewind

by Julia P. Lynde

  "You were?"

  "I had started interviewing. Now I'm going to have to keep working those hours, probably the entire time you're still in college. But I'll have my loan paid off by the end of the year if business keeps up the way it has."

  "You shouldn't have to work that hard for me."

  "First, poppycock. Second, the only reason I'd cut back at all would be to have more time with you. If I lose you, there's no reason to cut back."

  "So you took out a bank loan?"

  "No. I took out a Wendy and Victoria loan."

  I started to sniffle.

  "Don't," she said. "They don't know what it's for. They trust me. But they also used a little blackmail."

  "Why does that not surprise me? What did you have to promise?"

  "To support their position the next time they ask you to model for them."

  I laughed and Veronica smiled. It was the first laugh in a week.

  "Don't worry," she said. "I'll protect you."

  We ate for a while. I wanted to make sure I'd asked the questions that I needed to ask. Then I realized I hadn't asked the two obvious ones.

  "Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked.

  "With all my heart, Shane."

  "Can you really afford it? Don't you dare lie to me!"

  "Yes. Without really making a dent on my lifestyle. I can continue to buy you corsets. I can even take you to Key West. But probably not anywhere more exotic than that for a year or two."

  We finished eating in silence. The waiter cleared our plates and asked if we'd like desert.

  "No, thank you," I said.

  Veronica overrode me. "Yes. Chocolate. Whatever you have that you think we might like. Two forks, one plate."

  The desert was lovely. When it was done, I asked her, "If I say Yes, what next?"

  "We have an appointment tomorrow at 11 with the banker. We can postpone if you're not ready to commit. We'll sign all the papers, she'll transfer the money into the escrow account, and then we're done."

  I tried to think of any further questions.

  "Shane, if you break up with me five minutes before we sign the papers, I of course won't go through with this. If you break up five minutes after, I won't be able to stop you. You'll owe me the money listed in the paperwork but won't have to pay a dime until after you graduate. You'll still be free to live your life however you want, and I'm not trying to take those choices away from you. I'm not trying to imprison you."

  "Can I think about it?"

  "Of course. But it would be polite to tell the banker if we won't make the appointment."

  "I'll have a firm answer by morning."

  Veronica paid the bill. We drank our coffee, then headed out. I grabbed Veronica's hand and wouldn't let go. We walked to her car, and I leaned against it, pulling her against me and making her kiss me. She didn't seem to mind.

  "Veronica, will you take me home and let me make love to you?"

  "No."

  "What?"

  "I'm going to take you home, tie you to the bed, gag you, and then do especially delicious things to you until you scream my name." She smiled. "Do you have a problem with that?"

  * * *

  Tuesday dawned cool but especially beautiful. I woke up first and winced. Veronica had been especially creative when we got home. She kept worrying she was going too far, but I told her she should stop worrying about it. When she asked the third time, I told her to think of the worst thing she wanted to do and to just do it.

  I hoped she'd do it again.

  I rolled over and watched her sleep. She must have just been dozing, because she opened her eyes and smiled at me.

  "I love you," I told her.

  "I love you, too," she said.

  We cuddled for a few minutes, still waking up.

  "Are you sure this is what you want to do?"

  "Yes," she said.

  "I should wear a suit for the banker?"

  * * *

  We arrived early for our appointment. Veronica's bank was just around the corner, so we were able to walk. We held hands. That got us a few looks in the bank, and Veronica looked down to see if I was bothered by that, but I just clasped her hand harder.

  The banker's name was Suzanne. She'd been a friend of Veronica's for a long time, long before Veronica had begun to use her professional services. We were ushered into Suzanne's office. She closed her door and sat down across her desk from us.

  "Veronica is doing a very foolish thing," she told me. "I tried to talk her out of it."

  "I'll pay her back," I said. "I always keep my promises. All of them."

  "She told me a lot about you before I agreed to write up these papers," Suzanne said. "I get a lot of tears in this office, but it was the first time I saw any from her."

  I looked at Veronica. She shrugged. "I was worried."

  "My point," added Suzanne, "is that based on everything Veronica told me about you, I do indeed believe you'll pay her back."

  Then Suzanne went through all the papers in much greater detail than Veronica had. She finished it all then asked us both, "Are you both sure you want to do this."

  "Yes."

  And so we both began signing papers. Suzanne collected all the papers, did some things on her computer, then slid a large envelope with a significant stack of papers across the desk to me.

  "Congratulations," she told me. "You're all set. You will need to contact the bank to pay your school expenses. We will pay them directly except for your books. For those you must submit receipts, and we will send you a check afterwards. If there is money remaining in the escrow account after you graduate, it will be returned to Veronica's accounts with receipts to both of you, which I presume will be used to credit your loan. After that, repayment is between the two of you. The bank is not involved."

  Veronica took me to lunch, then we walked back to the apartment. She stopped at the office to make sure everything was okay, but when they saw the two of us together, they chased us out.

  We went back to the apartment. I dropped my clothes on the floor immediately then began peeling Veronica's off of her. She giggled as I stripped her clean, then dragged her to the bedroom and began touching her.

  * * *

  We cuddled, then I said, "I have a phone call to make. I would like you to listen in."

  "Okay," she said, puzzled.

  I found my phone and dialed home. "Mom. It's Shane." I let her talk for a moment. "Mom, look. I need to say something. Are you sitting down? No no, everything is fine, it's perfect, but you need to sit down." I mouthed an "I love you" to Veronica.

  "Mom, I've thought about the generous offer you and Dad made to pay for my remaining three years at Knightly. I am calling to decline your offer. Thank you, but I have made other arrangements to complete my education. Don't worry, I'm not dropping out, nor am I selling myself on street corners to cover tuition. I believe this change in my economic situation resolves Dad's concerns about when I'm able to make my own adult decisions about how to live my life." I didn't even pause.

  "Furthermore, regarding the inappropriate looks you and Dad thought Veronica was giving me. You are both mistaken. I would be very disappointed if my lesbian lover didn't look at me the way Veronica does. Those looks she gave me were exceedingly appropriate. In fact, any looks she gave me in front of you would have been exceedingly tame compared to the looks I like her giving me. I know you will think this is just a phase, but it's not. I've known about how I've felt for a while. I've been afraid to tell you, but I'm not afraid anymore."

  Veronica's mouth was hanging open as she listened to me.

  "Mom, one more thing. You know I still love you, and I still love Dad. That won't change. But right now, I am very, very angry at you, and I don't intend to forgive you very quickly. I will eventually, but it is going to take me a while. When I think I may be ready for a civil conversation with you, I will call you. For now, leave me be. When I call, if you aren't ready to talk to me, I'll understand. I know I'm risking t
hat you'll never want to talk to me again, but I hope you can still love me even if I'm a lesbian."

  And then I hung up.

  I turned to Veronica. "And that," I said triumphantly, "Completes the Coming Out of one Shane Elizabeth Dowling."

  And then I fell into her arms.

  * * *

  "Roni," I said some time later. "You just paid a very large amount of money for my education. I think I would be remiss if I didn't go make sure you got your money's worth."

  "You don't think this is an education?" she asked playfully. Then she sighed. "Summer is coming, Shane, summer is coming."

  * * *

  Mom and Dad didn't try calling me, but on Thursday I called Matt's cell phone.

  "Hang on," he said very quietly when he answered. I heard him tromp up the stairs then into his bedroom and close the door.

  "What the hell, Shane?" he said in a soft voice. "I figured you'd come out eventually, but what a way to do it."

  "What do you mean, you figured I'd come out eventually?"

  "I'm not stupid," he said. "I might not be as smart as you, but I'm not stupid. I figured it out last year."

  "How?"

  "You took me to the mall. We were in the food court, and I caught you looking at someone. You were sighing. I kept looking for a hot guy but all I saw was a group of hot girls. It took me two days to put two and two together."

  "You didn't say anything."

  "Mom and Dad are shell shocked," he told me.

  "I figured. Are you okay?"

  He laughed. "I'm fine. They aren't mad at me, after all." He paused. "So, Veronica. She's kinda old, isn't she?"

  "It might seem like that, I guess. It's complicated. Before meeting her, I would never have told you she was what I wanted, but I love her to pieces, and she loves me."

  "Does she treat you well?" he asked.

  "That's an awfully mature question," I told him.

  "Yeah, well. It was one of the questions at the dinner table last night."

  "They grilled you?"

  "Hell no, I was a fly on the wall. They were going back and forth, and that came up. I decided it was the only good question of the entire conversation."

  "Matt, she treats me insanely well."

  We chatted for a few more minutes, then I said, "Matt?"

  "Yeah?"

  I thought for a second, then changed my mind. "Nevermind, I was going to ask you a favor, but it's not fair."

  "What?"

  "I was going to ask you, if they start planning some sort of intervention, would you tell me. But I can't put you in the middle. That's not fair."

  "They might plan stuff when I'm not around, but if I catch a whiff of anything you should know, I'll tell you," he said.

  "That's not fair to you," I replied.

  "Listen, Shane. You can be a bitch sometimes, but as older sisters go, you've been all right."

  I laughed. "I love you too, Matt."

  "Who said anything about love?" he asked me, then hung up laughing.

  * * *

  The school year soon came to a close. I was going to miss Molly for the summer, but we were all set for our dorm room together next year. Goodbyes with Janice and Kelly were tear-filled, but we vowed to stay in touch. Janice had gotten a job in Boston, and she and Kelly would be moving there together right after school let out.

  By the end of the school year, I also found myself having several conversations with the various deans of the college. At first I tried to just give them a change of address and to make sure they knew that they would be dealing directly with me regarding future financial issues. I also explained they should stop all communication with my parents about my grades or anything else. I changed my next of kin to Matt and my emergency contact to Veronica.

  The school didn't like any of that every much.

  We ended in a compromise. Because Dad had paid my tuition and expenses through the first year, they would still receive duplicate copies of everything I received, including grade reports. But as soon as the business for the freshman year was over, everything went to me only. I decided that was fair.

  Then I found myself in front of a school counselor. "I understand there have been some changes in your life. We're here to talk about them."

  "Is this meeting a requirement for continued attendance at Knightly?" I asked pointedly.

  "We have an obligation to ensure the well being of our students, and it sounds like you've been through some difficulties. Severing ties with your parents is a harsh move."

  "I'm fine. I'm about to get straight A's for the 3rd quarter in a row. My school work is impeccable. I have an escrow account with enough funds to cover my remaining years at Knightly, so my continued ability to pay my expenses here is not at risk. I am personally happy and well-adjusted. My dispute with my parents is a private matter, and when I am ready to, I will discuss it further with them. If I feel I need any advice before talking to my parents, I know I have multiple sources, including you, who I could talk to. But unless you can explain why it's an issue for the school's concern, I'd rather enjoy this wonderful spring day. After that, I have studies to attend to."

  I don't think she was accustomed to a student with as much back bone as I had. She made a few more poor attempts to get me to talk to her, but I just kept repeating, "My mental health is fine, my financial status is safe, and my academic status is exemplary. May I go?"

  When I told Veronica about it that night over the phone, she was a little angry, but she was pleased I hadn't let anyone push me around. "I'm the only one who gets to do that," she assured me.

  The school year came to an end. Veronica drove down and picked both me and Molly up. She took us both to dinner in town before we dropped Molly off at the airport. There were tears all around, and Molly gave Veronica just as big a hug as she'd given me. We arranged for Molly to come back to town a week early to stay with us before fall term started up.

  Then we drove home.

  It felt so wonderful to call it "home".

  Chapter 12: Getting Along

  The first thing I did that night (after jumping Veronica) was to go into her closet and carve out space for myself. Then I started unpacking my clothes and hanging them up in the closet.

  "You can use the other closet," she told me. I don't think she wanted to share her space.

  "I know," I said. Then I fetched all my clothes from that room and set them up in her room.

  "This is no longer your room," I told her. "It's our room." I hung up the rest of my clothes, which meant sorting through some of Veronica's clothes that I knew she didn't wear very often and tossing them on the bed.

  "Use the other closet," she said. "There's not enough room in that one for both of us."

  "No."

  She started to get upset. I finished hanging my clothes up, although my conservative dresses joined her seldom-worn clothes on the bed. I turned to her. "I want my clothes to smell like your clothes."

  I then went over to the pile of clothes on the bed. I held up one of my dresses. "I should burn these."

  She took the dress away from me, then gathered all the clothes from the bed and left the apartment. I wasn't sure what she was doing, but if they were going into the incinerator, I was just fine with that. She came back and said, "I keep a closet of seasonal clothes in the company offices," she explained. "There's not enough room here, but we had extra room in the office, so I took a pragmatic approach."

  She hugged me.

  "I want to redecorate. Do you think I can find a designer who would help me in exchange for special services?"

  She laughed. "What did you have in mind?"

  So I began stalking her.

  She giggled. "No, I mean for decorating!"

  "I thought maybe there should be a retainer," I said, lunging for her. She skipped away. I sat down on the bed and said, "spoil sport." She was grinning at me.

  "This is your home now, too, Shane," she told me. "It should reflect both our tastes."

 
"Yeah, it can be a mix of High End Designer and College Girl Swamp." She laughed. "Okay, maybe not." My expression grew serious. "I don't have a clue what I want," I told her. "I just want to look around and know it's our space, not just your space. Is that asking too much?"

  "No, Shane, it's a lovely thought, and I'll be happier that way, too."

  I smiled. "I can't do the design, but I thought, maybe some color changes?" I played with my hair. "Maybe something subtle, like little touches based on the color of my hair, and if it works, you could bring in the color of the green brocade corset I wore the night we met."

  She started to smile. I went on.

  "This color would be way too much if we used a lot of it, but do you think we can get a matching paint and just use it sparingly?"

  "You are brilliant," she told me, beaming. "That is the best design idea I've ever gotten from an untrained client. Truly brilliant."

  I smiled, pleased she liked my idea. "But ... I want some shape, too, you know. I don't know what that means though. Maybe a little artwork? Maybe just a different shape to the drapes. I don't know. I'm not sure what I mean."

  "You might not, but I do," she told me. "Will you trust me?"

  "Always."

  * * *

  Veronica took a few days off. She got me naked and wouldn't let me put on a stitch of clothing unless we were going out. I didn't mind in the slightest.

  I got called a "cheeky girl" a lot and one very thorough icing that I completely deserved.

  She took me clothes shopping and bought me several more business suits, slightly upscale from the ones I already had. These we had tailored. They would be ready in a week, so my first week at work would be in the two suits I already owned.

  And we held a dinner party with Victoria, Wendy, Jeremy and Lawrence. They wore me down, and I said, "Yes, I'll model" by the end of the evening. Wendy promised she'd protect my anonymity, that she understood modeling clothes for a sex shop might not be good for a future career in business. I wasn't sure I cared anymore, but I wasn't ready to decide that I wouldn't care in the future, so I appreciated them looking out for me.