Nameless

by Claire Kent

  She didn’t even want it to. This was much better. A blunt, honest sharing of realistic expectations. All of her strongholds still in place.

  The Erin she’d been as a girl in the library would have started creating fanciful daydreams based on a couple of rounds of good sex and some companionable conversation.

  The Erin she was now laughed at the very idea.

  She added without any bitterness at all, “At least for the next six months.”

  Five

  It was nine-thirty on Saturday morning, and Erin was lounging in an easy chair in her living room with a cup of coffee.

  Decaf, of course.

  She was presently enjoying a long, lazy morning—pleased that she had nothing to do until shopping and lunch with Liz.

  She’d been feeling pretty good this week and decided that being just over five months pregnant was a pretty good place to be in the scheme of things. Her morning sickness was gone completely, and she was still more fascinated than exasperated with the enlargement of her belly.

  She was also getting used to people looking at her now and knowing immediately that she was pregnant. It was a strange feeling, and she wasn’t sure what to think about it.

  After scanning through news stories on her tablet, she clicked over to Mary Carlyle’s blog, which she tried to resist on principle but never could. The first thing she saw was a photo of Seth.

  He was with the popular actress he’d been dating for the last month, whom he’d evidently met while she was shooting a film in Atlanta. They were leaving a movie premiere in the photo—both elegantly dressed and gorgeous.

  Snorting in amusement, Erin said out loud, “There’s your daddy. Looking very handsome in that suit. He just can’t seem to keep a low profile.”

  Curious, she skimmed the adjacent article and was mildly surprised to learn that the couple had a rather public break-up. Apparently, Seth had decided he no longer wanted to pursue the relationship, and the actress had reacted dramatically.

  “I can’t believe it didn’t last any longer. She’s just his style.” Shaking her head, she added, again addressing her belly, “But she doesn’t come across as very clever. I suppose he’s too smart to put up with a lack of mental acuity for very long, no matter what else she has to offer.”

  Briefly, she wondered what kind of mother she was turning out to be—discussing the father’s love-life with her baby and, in the process, using the word “acuity.”

  She’d started talking to her baby last month. She’d never made a conscious decision to do so. She’d simply started talking out loud and hadn’t stopped since.

  It was nice, in a strange sort of way. Like she finally had someone to talk to in her solitary apartment. Like she’d finally made a connection as a mother.

  Scanning over the snide commentary in the blog again, Erin laughed softly. “Poor woman. But she really should have known better than to think he would turn into a different person just for her. You know, your daddy is a bit of an ass.” She paused, suddenly struck with a thought she hadn’t considered before.

  Maybe she shouldn’t address her own child as if that child was Liz.

  “I mean," she amended awkwardly, "Your daddy is a bit of a...jerk.”

  Sighing, Erin put down her coffee and rubbed her belly over her T-shirt. What a great mother. Only now thinking about the kind of language she should use around her baby.

  “I’m sure you’ll be very fond of him, since he’s really a nice guy underneath it all. But you’ll have to make sure that, when you get old enough, you stay away from guys like him.” Erin smiled faintly. “He doesn’t do well in romantic relationships, so women end up getting hurt.”

  She got up to get another cup of coffee. “Your mommy doesn’t do well in romantic relationships either,” she admitted—compelled by the need to be honest. “But that’s a whole other story.”

  Erin had been very happy when she’d found out last week that she was having a girl.

  “You’ll have to learn to be attracted to guys with more potential,” Erin added, pouring more coffee into her mug. “Maybe by that time, I’ll have a clearer idea about the right kind of guy to be attracted to, so that I can help you sort them out.”

  At the moment, she obviously had no idea about sorting guys out.

  She was saved from her discouraging reflections by the ringing of her phone. Walking back into the living room to pick it up, she smiled when she heard her father on the other end of the call.

  “I pulled your old wooden highchair out of storage yesterday,” he informed her after the briefest of greetings. “It was great quality, so it’s still in good shape. Just a little dingy. So I sanded it and restained it for you. It looks great now, and it's really sturdy.”

  Erin smiled fondly. “Thanks, Dad.”

  “Darlene next door is making a cushion for it.”

  “Okay.”

  “You don’t have to use it if you don’t want to.”

  “I’m sure I’ll like it,” Erin assured him. “That’s very nice of her.”

  “It’s really a good highchair. Better than all the rickety crap they try to sell us now. If you want, I can...”

  Chuckling, Erin listened to her father’s ideas and suggestions and then thanked him again before she said goodbye.

  As she hung up, she looked down at her stomach and stated, “Your granddad is very excited about you. He can’t wait until you get here. As for me, I’m glad I have a few more months. Since, honestly, you’re a little bit scary.”

  Glancing at the clock, she realized that she needed to get ready, so she went to take a shower, dry her hair, and get dressed.

  Getting dressed was always an adventure now.

  Peering into her closet, she picked out a pink shirt and tried it on. Decided it made her look like a tent. So she took it off, tossed it on the floor, and pulled on another one. Didn't like that one either.

  Her belly still wasn’t huge, and sometimes she liked how she looked. But other days—like today—everything she put on just made her feel fat. She settled on a V-neck top with an empire waist that at least flattered her breasts, and she was just putting on her shoes when Liz knocked on her door.

  The first thing Liz did was stare at her belly.

  “Yes, it’s big,” Erin grumbled. “I’m pregnant. What do you expect?”

  Liz grinned. “I know. But still, it’s wacky to see you pregnant. Every time I see you, I'm stunned with disbelief.”

  “Welcome to the way I feel constantly.”

  “Seriously, you’re not that big yet, and you actually look pretty good.”

  Erin rolled her eyes.

  “Really. I’d kill for your tits.”

  Glancing down at her lush cleavage, Erin sighed, “Unfortunately, they are paired with a gigantic ass.”

  Liz made a point of peering around at her butt. “It’s not too bad. Some guys would really go for it.”

  “It was already curvy enough.”

  “Why all the whining? I thought you were feeling pretty and voluptuous for the last couple of months.”

  “I do occasionally. But not every minute of the day. And, besides, what’s the point? Now that it’s obvious I’m pregnant, every eligible man I meet runs in the opposite direction as soon as I make an appearance.”

  Her sister nodded sagely. “Of course, they do. What else would you expect?”

  Count on Liz to never tell her encouraging lies.

  ***

  They shopped for a couple of hours, looking through racks of maternity clothes at various department stores and at a couple of boutiques that catered exclusively to expectant mothers.

  Erin purchased a few basic pieces that would go with anything, and then Liz pressured her into buying a couple of things she never would have considered otherwise. Including a slinky chemise that was absolutely useless, since no one would ever see it but Erin.

  When she protested the purchase, Liz insisted blandly, “Well, wear it for yourself. No use in feeling unatt
ractive all the time.”

  Erin muttered out complaints but ended up buying the chemise after all. Tried very hard not to visualize herself calling Seth up to test it out.

  After they shopped, she and Liz had lunch at a trendy bistro, and Erin scarfed down as much bread and pasta as she could, turning up her nose in disgust at Liz’s salad.

  But as she sipped her glass of water, she did eye Liz’s beer lustfully.

  “So it’s a girl, huh?” Liz prompted.

  Erin had her mouth full, so she just nodded her response.

  “Have you thought of a name yet?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “I guess Liz is off the table. You should really reconsider. Elizabeth is an excellent name for a little girl.”

  “Nice try. I’ve gone over tons of names, but nothing is jumping out at me as just right. I never really thought about having kids before, so I don’t have a name ready like a lot of women would.”

  “What does Seth want to call her?”

  “I haven’t asked him.”

  “Why not?”

  Erin shrugged. “I don’t know. It just seems like even asking would be—”

  “Giving him a foothold of control.”

  The words exactly captured Erin’s feelings, but her sister’s skeptical expression made her bristle. “I’m just trying to be careful about the dynamics between us. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “I know, but every man isn’t like Marcus.”

  “I know that. I’m not assuming Seth is Marcus.”

  “Has he done anything to make you think he’s going to try to control you?”

  Erin remembered his obnoxious response to finding her out on a date, but that didn’t really count.

  When she didn’t answer, Liz went on, “I know he has a reputation as a pushy, heartless ass, but—”

  Erin made a face.

  “What?” Liz asked, interrupted from whatever she’d been about to say.

  Erin shifted in her seat self-consciously. “I was just thinking. She can hear us.”

  “What?” Liz looked absolutely baffled.

  “Maybe we should watch our language a little.”

  Liz stared at Erin as if she’d suddenly sprouted horns.

  “I know,” Erin admitted. “I can’t believe I’m saying this either. But apparently they can hear us talking—at least, that’s what the experts say. I don’t want to be a bad influence on my baby before she’s even born.”

  “But she doesn’t know what words like ‘asshole’ and ‘fuck’ mean. In fact, we use them so often she probably thinks they’re endearments.” With a mischievous expression, Liz scooted her chair over until she could lean over toward Erin’s belly. Then she cooed sweetly, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”

  The middle- aged woman at the adjacent table shot them a scandalized look.

  Erin was torn between amusement and outrage. “Stop saying that to my baby,” she hissed at her sister.

  Liz stared.

  “I think I just had a mommy moment. What’s happening to me?”

  Liz howled with laughter but didn’t seem to have an answer for her.

  After she’d moved her chair back into place and started on her salad again, Liz said, “Don’t think I’m distracted from what I was going to say. I know Seth has the reputation for being an asshole, but he’s been pretty decent in this and I don’t think he’s going to try to control you. In fact, my only real concern is the way he gets around. With women, I mean.”

  Erin shrugged. “Why should that matter?”

  “He’s the father of your baby. I think I’d feel weird about it.”

  “It might be nice if he was different, but this is the real world. Womanizers don’t change simply because their sperm happens to hit its target.”

  “True. But maybe his interest in the baby means he’s ready for something more stable and committed. Maybe he wants a real, meaningful relationship with someone.”

  She met Erin’s eyes for a silent moment.

  Then both of them burst into hysterical laughter.

  “Or maybe not,” Liz gasped.

  Through her amusement, Erin concluded, “Babies change people’s lives, but they don’t change people’s natures.”

  She put a hand on her abdomen. Felt a strange butterfly sensation that was supposedly her baby moving around. “I’m not going to suddenly turn into a domestic goddess and besotted wife, just because I’m having this baby. And Seth isn’t going to want to tie himself down for life to a kid and a random woman he fucked once upon a time.”

  Liz tsked her tongue. “Language, language. You mean, a random woman he made sweet love to once upon a time.”

  “Right.”

  ***

  Erin was exhausted when she got home. Dead on her feet—merely from lunch and a few hours of shopping. Her feet were swollen, and she felt like a pathetic slug.

  “You’re quite exhausting, you know,” she informed her belly. "I used to be able to go all day. Now I can barely make it to three o’clock in the afternoon.”

  She kicked off her shoes and collapsed onto her couch with a bottle of water. “What do you think? Am I a wimp? Do I need to just suck it up, stop whining, and get my ass in gear? I mean, get my bottom in gear.”

  Her phone rang, and she was vaguely relieved that it interrupted her ramblings. “It’s probably your granddad. He’s always calling to check on us.”

  When she glanced at the caller ID, she amended, “Nope. It’s your daddy. What the hell does he want?”

  She winced, realizing that she was going to have some trouble learning to soften her language.

  Clicking the phone on, she said agreeably, “Hey there.”

  “Hi,” Seth replied. “It’s me.”

  “I know that.”

  “Is everything all right?”

  That was Seth’s standard greeting now. He had no experience with pregnancy—any more than she had—and he obviously thought that she was always on the verge of collapse. “Everything’s fine. I did too much shopping, and I could really use a good foot massage.”

  “I certainly hope that wasn’t a hint.”

  “If you ever tried to give me a foot massage, I think I’d have a stroke.”

  Seth sounded like he was smiling. “Then I’ll make sure never to do so.”

  “I noticed you had some excitement this week.”

  There was a pause on the other end. “You mean the judge’s ruling?”

  Erin huffed in amusement at the realization that his work was far more significant to him than his relationships. “No. I was referring to something a little more personal.”

  “Ah. You read that ridiculous blog, I see.”

  “Of course. How else could I keep up with your social life? I can’t believe you actually dumped a Golden Globe winner.”

  “Believe it or not, such awards do not always coincide with an ability to engage in intelligent conversation.”

  His dry voice made Erin giggle. “Not very smart, huh?” She grinned down at her belly and murmured, “Told you.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Nothing. Not talking to you. But, still, you only dated her for a few weeks.”

  “Why does that surprise you?”

  “I don’t know. She was exactly your type. I thought you’d at least get engaged before you dumped her, like the Saturday sex chick.”

  “Is it your intention to spend the entire conversation mocking my misfortunes in romance?”

  “But there’s so much there to mock.”

  The only response was a bad-tempered silence on the other end of the line.

  “You can mock my love life, if you’d like,” she offered magnanimously.

  “Hmm,” he murmured snidely. “That would be very generous were there any romance in your life to mock.”

  “Hey! That was mean. I happen to be pregnant, you know. That limits the available options. I had plenty of options to choose from before I got pregnant.”

 
; “I’m sure you did.”

  Since he sounded like he was humoring her, she frowned. “I just always seem to pick the losers.”

  “Does that include me?” His voice was more curious than offended.

  “Um, not really. I mean, one could hardly classify you as a loser. But as far as your potential to commit to me in a meaningful relationship, I’d say you were basically a lost cause.”

  “Which is, of course, why you had sex with me in the first place—because you knew it would never lead to anything.”

  “Exactly. You’re pretty sharp for a loser.”

  “I’m flattered. We’re not really all that different, you know.”

  Erin sighed. Wasn’t sure what she thought about that particular truth. “I know.”

  Then she felt something. Different. Definite. Unquestionable. “Oh, my God!” she breathed in awe.

  “What?”

  She didn’t answer. Just moved her hand to her stomach and tried to relive what she’d just experienced.

  “What?” his voice was more urgent now. “Erin, damn it, what is it?”

  “She just kicked.”

  Seth was silent for a moment. Then, “She did?”

  “Yeah. Before, all I’d felt were strange, little flutters, but this was a definite kick.”

  “What did it feel like?”

  “Like...like a little kick.” Her voice was wobbling embarrassingly with an absurd flood of emotion.

  “That’s an incredibly helpful description. Thank you very much.”

  Erin ignored his sarcasm. She breathed loudly and rapidly. Felt like she was on the verge of tears or hysterics or something equally dramatic.

  Finally, Seth asked, his tone quite different, “Are you all right?”

  “Yeah,” she told him weakly. “I just can’t believe this is happening.”

  Seth’s tone was ineffably reasonable as he murmured, “I believe kicking is a fairly normal phenomenon in this stage of pregnancy.”

  “Yeah. I just mean this whole thing. I mean, I can’t believe it’s happening.” She stared down at her belly. At her baby. “How the hell did this happen?”

  “Well, I realize it’s been a couple of months for you, but surely you haven’t forgotten the procedure already.”

  Erin giggled stupidly, even though his comment hadn’t been all that funny.