by C. A. Harms
“Enough, boy.” The sound of my father’s voice instantly reminded me of last night. Which, in turn, reminded me of Mike and the way he’d held me in his arms and helped me into the truck. Those visions only started the entire rollercoaster of emotions all over again.
Colton chuckled, and I heard his chair scooting against the floor as he stood up from the table. That was followed by the ceramic bowl being placed onto the countertop and my mother telling my teenaged brother to gather his dirty laundry and bring it downstairs.
Then silence, well, besides the sound of the water running as my mother rinsed the dishes before placing them in the strainer. I often wondered why she took the time to wash them when she had the dishwasher to do it for her, but she enjoyed cleaning; it made her feel accomplished. My mother was a saint, always had been, and her strength was always an inspiration to me. She’d gone through so much to find the love of her life, and together, they’d given me and my brother more than most could dream of.
“So.” My father spoke low, as if he already knew that I had a jackhammer going off in my mind. “Was last night an example of how you spend all your nights off?”
“Leave her alone.”
Momma to the rescue, as she always was.
“I’m just asking so that I can prepare myself for more late-night calls.” I sensed the humor in my father’s voice. “Hell, I don’t know, maybe take a nap during that day so I’m sure to get enough sleep. Never hurts to plan ahead.”
“Colt,” my mother warned, using the tone we all knew well.
“Baby girl, you know I’m just playing.” I slid my hands apart and used them to prop up my chin. Opening my eyes, I stared at my father, who slid a cup of coffee in my direction. “I was young once too, so I know how it goes. I do have to ask, though, does all this,” he waved his hand in my general direction, “have anything to do with what I saw last night?”
My heart felt as though it lurched in my chest. “It was nothing.” I looked away from him before he had chance to see my lying eyes.
“If you say so, but just so we’re clear, it didn’t look like nothing.” He stood from the chair and turned toward my mother. When he paused at her side, he leaned in and gave her a loving kiss. I grew up watching how he made it his goal to ensure she knew how much he loved her every day. I wanted that same thing with a man, so desperately.
“I’m gonna go take a shower.” I didn’t wait for either of them to respond, and honestly, I didn’t expect them to. They were entirely too busy sharing one of their many mushy moments.
The moment I stepped beneath the hot, steaming water, I tipped my head back and allowed it to hit my face. It wasn’t a fix, by any means, but it did make me feel semi-alive again.
Fifteen minutes later, all the grime from the night before gone, I emerged from the bathroom. As I entered my room, I was surprised to find Raven sitting on my bed, worrying her hands in her lap.
Memories of the night before rushed in, and I was reminded of all the hurtful things I’d said. A heaviness settled in my chest, and I closed the door behind me to gain some privacy. Then with caution I joined her, sitting down next to her on my bed.
Raven didn’t deserve what I had said to her. I opened my mouth to tell her that I was a terrible friend and that I couldn’t apologize enough, but she spoke first, and I was floored.
“You have feelings for him.” It wasn’t a question. “And before you try to deny it, you should just save it, because I know you, Maddison. Last night, that version of you, it’s not the one that I’ve spent my life loving as a sister. You were so hateful, and I know why now.”
I lifted my gaze and looked at Raven, unable to form the words that were rolling around in my mind.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She turned to face me and took my hand in hers. “All the times I went on and on, saying all those things that, had I just known, I never would have said. All you had to do was tell me that you felt something for him.”
“I didn’t know.” Not until I saw him with someone else. Or imagined him with someone else. Honestly, that was all it took.
We sat in silence for a few minutes.
“I’m sorry I was so awful to you.” Tears filled my eyes as I tried my best to blink them away. “I was confused and maybe a little embarrassed.”
“Why?”
“Because I shouldn’t be having these feeling for him. He isn’t just some guy, Raven. He is my cousin.”
“No, he’s not.” It’s then she shifted completely around to face me, forcing me to look at her. “His adoptive mother is your stepfather’s sister. That doesn’t mean the two of you can’t be together.”
“It’s—”
“Not impossible,” she finished for me, and I knew better than to argue with her. “I think you two need to talk this out. You owe it to yourselves. Who cares what I feel?”
“I care.” It was my turn to force her to look at me. “I love you entirely too much to let any guy come between us.” I ignored the feelings inside of me, the ones screaming but this is Mike. “I know you like him, and honestly, now it just doesn’t feel right for me to act on what I feel.”
“It’s okay,” Raven assured me, but I could see the hesitation in her eyes, the way she forced a smile, doing her best to appear unaffected.
“I just want to forget about the whole thing, okay?” Raven slowly nodded in agreement. “All of it.” I waited for her to agree once more, and then we hugged it out like we always did. And I did this all while fighting off the larger-than-life lump that had formed in my chest.
Chapter Seventeen
Mike
“You gonna fill me in on what’s going on with you and Maddison?”
I tried my best not to react when Rhett handed me the quart of oil, and I hovered it over my engine, slowly pouring it into the funnel. I knew it was coming; it was just a matter of time. After last night, the way Maddison acted and then the way Colt found us when he showed up to get her, I knew that shit would spread like wildfire. Our family didn’t keep things quiet. It was in their nature to share and share and keep sharing until everyone knew the details of every situation.
“Or do I need to guess?”
“Nothing’s going on,” I said, not even glancing in his direction. “What the hell is with you and your need for gossip? You grow a vagina when you decided to settle down or what?”
“My ass there ain’t nothing going on.” He chuckled. “I was there, and even AJ agreed there was something definitely there. First at Gramps’s place in the field and then again last night at the bar. You two had this crazy connection shifting between ya, much different than the one you’ve always had before. A tension, some uncoiled pull, hell, I have no fucking clue, but it’s there.”
“Like I said, it’s nothing.”
“I don’t buy it,” he continued, making me feel even more unsettled. “The two of you need to get your shit figured out, though.”
“There isn’t anything to figure out.”
“You may be able to pull the blinders on other people, but that ain’t gonna work with me, Mike. I know the two of you entirely too well. There’s something there and ignoring it won’t make it go away. This seeing other people, ignoring one another when the two of you are close, it’s gonna explode, and when it does…”
I lifted my gaze to find him shaking his head and chose to ignore it. I didn’t have an answer, because there had never been any awkwardness between Maddison and me. Everything had always been so easy, and I honestly didn’t know how to handle it now that it wasn’t.
“Okay, then,” Rhett said, and I felt a little relieved that he was agreeing to let it go. That was until he started again. “You should know, though, that your mother was already on the phone with mine this morning, after she’d gotten off the phone with Alexis, that is.” The damn phone train had already been placed in full swing. “Apparently, Colt informed her of the closeness you and Maddison were found in when he showed up to pick her up.”
“I went after her when s
he and Raven had it out. That was it.”
“Mmhm.” He was just as much of a gossip queen as the rest of them. “So, you know, Raven showed up at Uncle Colt’s this morning. I guess her and Mad made up and left together to go back to Statesboro, so things look as if they’re back to how they should be.”
I chose to keep working on my truck, showing no signs that what Rhett just said did bother me. Don’t get me wrong, it was good that the two girls made up, but Maddison’s words from last night continued to play over and over in my mind.
I couldn’t find it in me to just be happy for her.
I was jealous.
***
Sometimes I found myself back there. Back to the time that I was trapped between the vow I took to protect my country and the uncontrollable feelings of missing my family, my home, and everything about Georgia. It was like a dream I couldn’t escape, one that took over my mind.
I imagined myself in the heat of the desert, the sounds of military vehicles all around me.
Then there were the dreams that I swore the gunfire ricocheting around me was so loud, so real, that I woke with a jolt, sweat pouring down my face and chest as I breathed deeply, trying to catch my breath.
For years, I worked hard to not only honor my commitment to my fellow soldiers, but also to make my father proud, both of them. The one I lost far too soon and the one who loved me even when he didn’t have to. The one that raised me to be the man I was today.
I lived my life every day by a certain set of rules. I would do my fathers proud, I’d be the best man I could for my mothers, and I would forever stand behind my family. Every last one through good times and through bad, I would always be on their sides.
Maddison was part of that family. But she was more than that sassy girl I grew up playing in the dirt with. She was more than that bossy, annoying one that thought she could mother us all. She’d become more, and no matter how hard I tried to fight it, things had changed.
The last four days had driven me insane. We hadn’t talked since the night outside Lucky’s, and when we had seen one another in the halls of the hospital, things just felt weird. There was an awkwardness between us that we’d never had before.
So many times, I wanted to grab hold of her and force her to talk to me. Force her to admit that what was going on between us was something larger than the both of us. Something that no matter how hard we tried to fight it, we wouldn’t be able to.
I laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Thoughts of Maddison were in my mind. Her laughter, the way she threw her head back and placed her hands to her chest, her entire body shaking.
I reached out for my phone that lie face down on my nightstand, and I typed out the message that I’d been putting off for days.
Mike: We need to talk.
Chapter Eighteen
Maddison
My phone vibrated on my table, and I stood from the couch, feeling slightly unsteady on my feet. We’d been drinking for a few hours now, and I was most definitely feeling a little sloshed. Raven laughed as I did my best not to spill my wine, and I stuck my tongue out at her as I hurried to grab my phone.
Mike: We need to talk.
My heart raced, and I tried my best to hide my reaction, my hands trembling as I held my phone with enough pressure to make my hand start to ache.
“Important?”
I glanced toward Raven, worried that she too was up and moving in my direction. “No,” I said too quickly, taking in a slow, calming breath, glad to find her still sitting comfortably on the couch. “Just my mother reminding me of my brother’s party Sunday.” Another lie told to a person I had always shared everything with without a second thought.
“I can’t believe that little shit is almost seventeen already.” I nodded, still staring at Mike’s message, unsure of what to say or what to do. Ignoring it seemed like the best choice. Silencing my phone and placing it face down on the table, I walked back to the couch to join Raven. Painting a smile on my face, I got settled once more and tucked my feet beneath my body. Grabbing the blanket, I pulled it over my legs and brought my wine glass back to my lips.
“What time is the party again?” Still feeling confused, I looked back at Raven, and she wrinkled her brows at me. “Colton’s party?”
“Yeah, uh…” Pull it together, Maddison. “Two and it’s more like a food fest in Gran and Gramps’ yard. You know, the typical family get together.”
“I love them.” She had been to enough get togethers of ours to know exactly what they were like. “And now that AJ is at all of them with my cute little nephew and my mother and father come too, it sort of feels like I’m part of the family too.”
I shouldn’t feel threatened by her words because Raven had been like an honorary member of my family for as long as I could remember. But now it all felt different. I couldn’t help feeling territorial over them. Or maybe it was just over him.
“It’ll be boring,” I finally added, knowing that if I just sat there saying absolutely nothing, she’d begin to wonder. “All my family running around acting crazy as usual, loud and proud. You know how they are.”
“True.” I felt relieved that she may decide not to come, but only for a second. “But it’s why I love them all so much. There is never a dull moment.”
I laughed it off, downing the remaining wine that was in my glass only to fill it once more. Raven and I sat around watching movies for the rest of the evening and even ordered a pizza when we got the munchies.
Shortly after ten, when there was a light knock on my door, Raven and I shared a look. I wasn’t expecting any visitors. Slowly and cautiously, I stood and walked over to the door on my tip toes. Peeking through the small hole, seeing Mike stand on the opposite side took the breath right out of me. I froze, gripping my wine glass tighter to keep from dropping it.
“Is it a man in a ski mask or what?”
“Uh no,” I finally said. “Give me just a minute.”
Placing my glass on the small table next to the door, I removed the chain and turned the handle. Opening the door just enough to step out, I came face to face with Mike. He wore a ball cap, pulled down low over his eyes, piercing eyes that were watching my every move with great interest.
“What are you doing here?”
“You didn’t respond to my messages.” He took a step toward me, and I tried to back up, but the door was at my back, keeping me from going too far. “So I came here,” he finished, and I looked back over my shoulder like I could actually see through the door. I was worried that Raven could open it at any time and make an awkward situation even worse.
“Not alone?” He asked this question with a scowl.
“No.” His frown deepened, and I realized what he’s thinking. “Raven’s over.” His mouth relaxed. “We’re watching movies.”
“Is that why you didn’t respond?”
“Mike—”
“Don’t,” he interrupted me.
“Don’t what?” I stand taller, crossing my arms over my chest. “Don’t tell you that this is crazy? Don’t tell you that whatever it is that’s happening cannot happen? Because if that’s what ‘don’t’ means, then I can’t agree. This is insane. Nothing is gonna happen between us, Mike. It can’t. It was the heat of the day, the alcohol of that night, that’s all.”
“Is that really what you believe?”
“Yes.” The lie hurt, but not as bad as the next one. “You need to give Raven a chance, because regardless of that night at the bar, she truly is a great person. I pushed her at Lucky’s, and to be honest, I can’t even tell you why. But what I do know is she really likes you.”
“So that’s your plan?” I squared my shoulders, prepared to say whatever he needed me to, in order to put an end to this crazy. “You’re just gonna pretend that you felt absolutely nothing for me?”
“It was nothing.” It had to be.
Mike stared at me for what felt like a long time, the seconds ticking by. His eyes focused solely on me, making me f
eel uneasy, on display. I knew he was waiting for me to break, waiting for me to tell him that what I’d just said was nothing more than a lie, but I couldn’t give him that.
“All right.” I felt my legs wobble. “If that’s what you want, then that’s what you got.” He held his arms out to his sides, shrugging his shoulders in that way that he’d always done when he was barely hanging onto his temper.
He backed away, and part of me wanted to reach out for him and tell him it was all a lie, but I remained perfectly still. His stare continued to stay locked on mine, the time slowly ticking by before he dipped his head in a farewell and left me standing in the hall, regretting everything I had just said to him.
I wasn’t sure what was right and wrong when it came to Mike and me. Admitting that I felt something for him came with consequences. Our family, what would they think? Those outsiders that saw us as family, how would it look? Then there was Raven.
But ignoring the fact that, whenever he was near, I found it next to impossible to hide my desire to touch him would be the most difficult of all.
***
“Did you grab the rolls?” Aunt Kori hollered over her shoulder as she paused in the doorway leading to the outside.
“Got ‘em.” I held up the container and gave it a little shake. “Got the butter too.”
“Good girl.” She smiled before stepping outside, leaving me standing alone.
I took a few more minutes to calm my nerves before I walked outside myself and did all I could to keep from looking over toward the barn. All the guys stood around playing horseshoes, the clinking sounds echoing over the yard. Enjoying their beer, laughing amongst themselves, those things were the norm during any get together we’d had. With each step I took, it became harder to control my wandering gaze. When I took the chance and glanced in their direction, I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach by the strongest of mules.