The Sound of Your Voice, Only Really Far Away

by Frances O'Roark Dowell

  Now she turned to Lorna and said, “I’m really tired of the word ‘awesome.’ It doesn’t really mean anything. It’s like a blank word that people use when they can’t think of something real to say.”

  Lorna frowned. “I’d be offended, except I can tell you’re in a bad mood about something, which probably has to do with Matthew Holler, who is totally not awesome, in my opinion. Which is something I think you need to tell him.”

  “What are you talking about?” Kate stared at Lorna. “He hasn’t done anything.”

  “Exactly my point,” Lorna said, chewing on a piece of biscotti. “He kissed you, and then—nothing.”

  “It’s not like he stopped talking to me,” Kate pointed out.

  “Really, Kate? Really? That’s really going to be your standard of acceptable behavior when it comes to guys?”

  Kate shrugged. Maybe. Well, not all guys, but at least when it came to Matthew Holler. She would put up with anything—

  And then she stopped. If Marylin had been saying these things to Kate about Benjamin, Kate would have been furious. She would have been telling Marylin to have some self-respect. She, Kate, would have marched right up to Benjamin and yelled at him about how he treated girls and other living creatures, and she might have even kicked him in the shins, although in general Kate preferred to be the nonviolent type.

  Kate took a deep breath. She wrapped up her sandwich and put it back in her backpack. “Excuse me,” she said, “but I need to go have a talk with someone.”

  “You bet you do,” Lorna agreed.

  But when Kate got to the audio lab, she didn’t know what to say. Matthew was sitting in his usual seat, working on a track for a project he was calling World of Noise. He didn’t turn around when Kate walked in, and she thought maybe she wouldn’t say anything at all, maybe she would just throw a pencil at his back and walk out.

  Finally she cleared her throat and mumbled, “Hey, Matthew.”

  He turned around. “Hey, Kate! You’ve got to listen to the edits I’ve done. Totally awesome.”

  And that was what pushed Kate over the edge. Completely, entirely, all the way over the edge.

  “You will never be a songwriter if you can’t come up with a better adjective than ‘awesome’ to describe things,” she said, and she could feel the tips of her ears turning red, she was so mad. “Songwriters are supposed to find the exact right words. Precise words. Definite words. So quit calling everything ‘awesome,’ and quit calling me ‘awesome’ if you don’t mean it.”

  “But I do mean it,” Matthew said, sounding confused. “You’re the most awesome girl I know.”

  Kate stomped across the room and stood two feet in front of Matthew. She pointed her finger at him. “I am not awesome. I am not any adjective you can think of, since you couldn’t think of a decent adjective to save your life. You know why you say I’m totally awesome? Because you don’t have the guts to say anything real.”

  She decided that was all that she had to say. What else was there? You kissed me behind the garage, but now you act like you didn’t, and that makes me mad? Stupid. It wasn’t something they could have a debate over.

  But it was interesting, Kate had to admit, that Matthew’s face had gone all red, like he was coming down with a sudden case of the flu. Didn’t that mean he at least cared a little bit? His lips seemed to be twitching, like there were words inside his mouth that he was trying very hard not to let out.

  But finally the words escaped. “I can’t marry you, okay?” Matthew said, pounding his fists on his knees. “I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is.”

  Kate’s eyes widened. Her mouth dropped open as though her jaw had suddenly become unhinged. “What? What did you just say? Do you think I want to marry you? That’s crazy. I’m in seventh grade. You know that, right?”

  Matthew waved his hands in front of his face, like he was trying to make what he’d just said disappear. “No! That’s not what I’m saying. What I mean is—man, I don’t know what I mean. It made more sense in my head. Like, you’re my best friend, okay? And if we were thirty or something, we’d probably get married and play guitar every night after dinner, and it would be totally awesome. But we’re not thirty, and I don’t know what to do about you.”

  Kate just stood there. She’d always thought that the first time a boy told her he loved her, it would be all romantic, all starlight and birds singing, a voice whispering in her ear. She hadn’t thought the soundtrack would be World of Noise.

  “Well, quit kissing me, okay?” she said. “Because I can’t deal with you kissing me and then acting like I don’t matter to you.”

  Matthew threw his head back and laughed, sounding relieved. “Dude, you’re the only person who matters. Get a grip.”

  Suddenly the door to the audio lab opened, and Kate turned to find herself face-to-face with Flannery.

  “I thought you’d be here,” Flannery said. “You’re not going to believe this, but I made the cut.”

  “You did?” Kate was confused. “I didn’t see your name on the cast list.”

  “Yeah, well, Audrey Fischer just got suspended for skipping class for the third time this quarter, so I got bumped up. I guess I’m headed for Broadway.” Flannery peered over Kate’s shoulder. “Hey, Matthew, you’re an idiot,” she called out, and then grabbed Kate’s hand. “Come with me to get my script. I don’t think I have any lines, but I should check, just in case.”

  Kate didn’t really want to leave. She wanted to spend the rest of the period listening to Matthew tell her she was the only person who mattered to him, even if they wouldn’t be kissing each other anymore. Maybe they could kiss each other again later. Maybe when they were sixteen. She thought it might be nice to spend some more time talking about how great Matthew thought she was, but she guessed there’d be time for that later. So she followed Flannery out into the hallway.

  “Do you really think Matthew’s an idiot?” she asked, interested in Flannery’s opinion. If you’d asked Kate an hour ago whether she thought Matthew Holler was an idiot, she would definitely have said yes, but now she didn’t think so. Now she thought he was possibly extremely brilliant.

  Flannery laughed. “Only in the ways that matter.”

  They passed by the gym. Inside, a few of the girls from the basketball team were practicing free throws. Kate thought about going in and joining them, just to get that feeling you had after you sent the ball through the hoop without touching the rim. It was like you had control over gravity. It was like you could make anything happen that you felt like.

  Flannery grabbed her arm. “Come on, slowpoke, let’s go sing really loud and be stars.”

  Kate nodded. Singing would be good too. Maybe next year she’d do both, sing and play basketball. Not at the same time, of course, although thinking about it made her laugh. She wondered what her dad would think if she became the singing point guard. The rock-and-roll rebounder.

  I don’t know if that’s the right path for you, Katie, her dad would probably say. But Kate didn’t care. She was pretty sure the right path was the path she was on this very second, walking down the hall with Flannery, in this totally awesome world.

  smiles, everyone!

  When Marylin got to cheerleading practice on Friday afternoon, she was surprised to see Benjamin Huddle sitting on the bleachers, waiting for her. It was a “What’s Wrong with This Picture?” moment, where you had to look around for what didn’t fit in. Benjamin Huddle definitely didn’t fit into cheerleading practice. He wasn’t an athlete, for one thing. Sometimes a bunch of football or basketball players would stand around and watch the first few minutes of practice before the cheerleading coach, Ms. Wells, shooed them away, and that didn’t seem strange. After all, if it weren’t for the athletes, why were the cheerleaders practicing in the first place? Who would they cheer for?

  Not for the Student Government leaders, that was for sure, though thinking about it, Marylin could see how that would be a nice thing. After all, athletes didn
’t actually contribute all that much to the school, but the Student Government leaders got stuff for students, like extra parties and more pizza days in the cafeteria. Didn’t that deserve a cheer or two?

  But that wasn’t how things worked, and so it was strange to see Benjamin Huddle in a world where he didn’t quite belong. But the strangeness of the situation didn’t keep Marylin from feeling as though she’d just been injected with helium. Every part of her suddenly felt lighter and slightly tingly. When Benjamin caught sight of her and broke into a huge grin, Marylin wanted to snuggle in beside him on the bleachers and inhale the wonderful smell of him, which mostly came from the fabric softener his mom used on their laundry (Downy, which Marylin knew because she’d asked Benjamin the other day and then made her mom go buy some right away).

  “What are you doing here?” Marylin asked, trying to keep the giddiness out of her voice in case any of the other cheerleaders were close enough to hear. “I thought you had to go help your mom with her art class.”

  “I do,” Benjamin told her. “She’s going to pick me up in ten minutes. So I thought I’d come watch your practice until it was time to meet her.”

  “Really?” Marilyn asked, amazed. “You don’t think that would be boring?”

  Benjamin grinned. “It’s only ten minutes.”

  Marylin couldn’t think of anything else to say, so she just stood there, smiling. She’d never liked a boy this way before, not in a real kind of way that was more than a crush, so she hadn’t had any way of knowing beforehand how much time she would spend with a big, dumb smile plastered across her face. Of course, as a middle-school cheerleader, she did a lot of automatic smiling, but it wasn’t the sort of smiling where her whole face played a part in it. It was strictly lip smiling when she walked down the hall in official cheerleader capacity.

  “I also wanted to run an idea by you,” Benjamin said. “I just had a meeting with Mrs. Calhoun about Student Government stuff, and she said we actually have extra money in the budget this year to fund a new project, or to give more money to an extracurricular activity, or whatever. I was thinking we should have some sort of contest. You know, let the students decide how we should use the money. I mean, it is kind of their money, if you think about it. It comes from their parents’ taxes.”

  “We could use new cheerleading uniforms,” Marylin said, smiling her best enthusiastic Student Government representative smile. “The ones we have now are getting shabby. It’s bad for school spirit when the cheerleaders look sloppy.”

  “Sure,” Benjamin said, not sounding all that convinced. “That could be one of the suggestions students vote on.”

  “Or we could just not vote, and give the cheerleaders the money,” Marylin said in a sing-songy, I’m-sort-of-joking-but-sort-of-not voice.

  Benjamin shook his head and laughed. “We could. That would make it easier, for sure. But I don’t know. I think it’s better if everybody gets to make suggestions.”

  Marylin shrugged. “Maybe. But think about my idea, okay? Because it’s really important to me. And it would make me happy.”

  Benjamin reddened and looked down at his shoes. “Okay. Yeah, sure.”

  “Let’s get going, Marylin!” Coach Wells called over, and Marylin gave Benjamin an apologetic look.

  “I don’t think Coach is going to let you watch practice,” she warned him. “At least not for long. She’s pretty strict about keeping practices closed.”

  “I’ve got to go anyway.” Benjamin stood up. “My mom’s probably waiting out front. She’s always early. I’ll call you, okay?”

  “Okay,” Marylin said. She watched as he climbed down the bleachers, then called out, “Bye! Call me!”

  A tiny seed of worry planted itself in her brain. Was Benjamin mad at her? Hurrying over to the other side of the gym, where everyone was warming up, Marylin tried to shake the idea out of her head. Why would he be mad at her? All she did was make a suggestion.

  “What were you talking to Benjamin about?” Mazie asked her as she pulled a knee to her chest. “You looked idiotically cheerful over there.”

  “Nothing,” Marylin said, running a hand through her hair, trying to sound casual. “He was just telling me there’s some extra Student Government money, and I was saying that we should definitely use it to get new uniforms.”

  Mazie bent over at the waist and reached for her toes. “You’re sure it’s not because you were talking to Benjie-wenjie? Take my advice, Marylin, and don’t become emotionally attached to Geek Boy over there. Believe me, he’s not your type.”

  Marylin tried to smile in a way that suggested this wasn’t a problem at all. “Don’t worry about me. I know exactly what I’m doing.”

  “Are you sure?” Mazie reached back to grab her foot in a hamstring stretch. “Because you looked a little too happy over there, talking to him. Like maybe you’re interested in something besides new uniforms.”

  Marylin suddenly had a crazy impulse to tell the truth. I am in love with Benjamin Huddle, she wanted to declare. He’s nice and funny and smart and cute. If you had any sense, you’d be in love with him too.

  But Mazie was staring at her with that steely-eyed look that made Marylin feel like she was a five-year-old in a room full of sophisticated teenagers. So instead of declaring her love for Benjamin, she just said, “I don’t get why you care so much. It’s sort of weird.”

  Which was maybe the wrong thing to say.

  Mazie put her hands on her hips and leaned toward Marylin. “Are you saying you do like Benjamin Huddle?” she hissed. “Because that’s a problem that I definitely care about. It’s my job to care about it.”

  “Your job?”

  “Yes, my job.” Mazie took a step back and sighed deeply. “You’re so dumb sometimes, I can hardly stand it. Look around you,” she said, waving her arm at the cheerleaders in various stages of warming up. “We all have jobs. Your job is to be pretty. My job is to make sure you don’t mess up and have a geeky boyfriend.”

  Marylin stood very still. She felt like she was standing on a very narrow ledge and could fall off if the breeze shifted the slightest bit. The weird thing was, she could feel herself sort of wanting to fall. “Well,” she started slowly, “I guess what I don’t know is, who hired you? I mean, how did you get this job?”

  Mazie stared at her. “Watch out, Marylin. You’re about to get in very serious trouble.”

  Ruby Santiago sauntered over to where they were standing. “What’s going on?” she asked, smiling even though she sounded worried. “You guys seem kind of stressed out.”

  This is the time to act like everything’s fine, Marylin told herself. This is the time to pull yourself together. “I was just telling Mazie there’s money in the school budget for new uniforms. That’s what I was talking with Benjamin Huddle about.”

  Ruby’s face brightened. “I am so sick of the uniforms we have now, aren’t you? They’re totally fourth grade.”

  Marylin nodded. “Exactly. That’s what I’ve been saying all year. We should start getting input from everybody about what they want the new uniforms to look like.”

  “Ruby’s captain,” Mazie said, inserting herself between Ruby and Marylin. “She should decide.”

  “Well, me and Coach Wells,” Ruby said agreeably. “But if other people have ideas, I’d love to hear them.” She patted Marylin on the shoulder. “Nice work.”

  Marylin shrugged and smiled modestly. “Anything for the squad, right, Mazie?”

  Mazie harrumphed, but left it at that.

  Marylin trotted over to where several of the cheerleaders were stretched out on the floor and sat down next to Caitlin Moore. “How’s your knee?” she asked Caitlin, whose knee had been hurting for several days now. “Any better?”

  Caitlin glanced over at Ruby, who smiled and waved, and then turned and smiled at Marylin. “I’ve been icing it a lot, just like Coach said to. It’s definitely less sore.”

  “That’s awesome!” Marylin said, feeling pretty awesome
herself. Things with the other cheerleaders had been feeling strained, but now she felt like she was in again. Ruby was more powerful than Mazie, and if Marylin got new cheerleading uniforms, she could probably be Ruby’s second in command. Normally Marylin wasn’t someone who was all that interested in power, but she was starting to see how it could come in handy.

  She stretched out her legs and leaned over them, reaching for her toes. Marylin imagined the squad in cute new uniforms, the skirts slightly shorter than the ones they had now, the tops barely skimming their belly buttons. She imagined Benjamin gazing adoringly at her from the stands, and her parents waving from where they sat at every basketball game, two rows behind the home bench, Petey in between them, cheering the cheerleaders. That was Marylin’s favorite part of every game—seeing her family looking like a family again.

  All she had to do was get those new uniforms. Then everything else in her life would fall into place.

  Marylin was surprised to find Kate riding home on the activity bus that afternoon. Kate wasn’t an activities person, for the most part. She was the sort of person who liked to get home as soon as school was over.

  “What did you stay after for?” Marylin asked Kate, sitting down beside her. “Did you have Creative Writing Club today?”

  “That’s on Tuesdays,” Kate said. “I had play rehearsal today, only we weren’t doing any of my scenes, and so I helped Matthew in the audio lab. He’s doing this whole World of Noise project for extra credit in science. It’s really cool.”

  “Is it all noisy and screechy?” Marylin asked, shuddering a little, imagining the sort of noises she hated, like Styrofoam cups being torn apart and microphone feedback.

  Kate nodded. “Pretty much. It’s better not to listen to it with the volume up too high.”

  “So are you and Matthew still hanging out a lot?” Marylin asked, hoping to get the conversation on a more interesting track. “I mean, are you a thing?”