Chapter 10
I don’t even make it to my car before I break down. I stand in the middle of the parking lot with my hands covering my face. I feel like I can’t hold my weight up, so I make a dash for the driver’s side door. I manage to climb in my vehicle, start it up, and pull around to the back of a hardware store so Brandon and Aberdeen don’t see me when they leave the restaurant. Then I sob like I’m watching everything I love slip away from me. In so many ways I’m taking that risk.
I feel like this is a mistake. Brandon showed up to be with us. He could have met me where I asked him and I wouldn’t have been angry. He’s clearly proving he can be the man I need him to be, but I know it’s only a temporary fix. He’s only doing this because he’s scared. It doesn’t mean anything has changed, it only shows me he’s capable. It proves I’m right. When Brandon wants something he’ll do whatever it takes. Clearly, he hasn’t wanted to save our relationship for a very long time. He’s settled. We’ve been living in a monotonous circle.
I’m doing this for us. I’m not being selfish. I can’t take anything for granted. This is my life, and in my heart I’m determined to repair it.
Torn to pieces, I manage to finally get it together enough to make it to my parent’s house. I wipe my eyes like windshield wipers in a storm. They burn and feel swollen when I try to blink. My chest hurts, and I’m shaking. I know my blood pressure is on the verge of sending me to the ER, but I push the worry of that aside. I can’t add to my already filled plate.
I park out on the street and walk up the long driveway. My dad is working in the garage with the door open. As I get closer I wipe my eyes and notice a brisk breeze against my face. It’s comforting to the burn I’m feeling, so I stand for a second to let it soothe me.
Leave it to my dad to linger outside in the cold for one of his manly projects.
When he spots me he invites me inside by waving his hands. “Hey honey. Your mom said you were coming back tonight.” He slides a wheeled stool in my direction for me to sit. It’s what he uses when he’s sitting at his metal desk doing small repairs. “Do you feel like talking about it?”
Unlike my mother, my dad is a little more open. He doesn’t think life is fixed with a little Duct tape and a lot of overlooking. He’s done things in his life that he regrets, which makes him the perfect person to confide in. “I left Brandon today, Dad. I’m sure Mom told you.”
“Yeah she mentioned it when I got home. She also called Susan, so be warned. You’ll probably be getting a call from her before the night is over.” Susan is my mother-in-law. Of course my mother wouldn’t take my word for it. She had to get right on the phone and run her mouth so the whole family was involved. This was going to escalate quickly. Soon they’ll all be against me.
“Mom thinks I should go home.”
He continues to work as he replies. “Yeah, your mom is a hard one to convince. Why’d you leave? Is it something that can be fixed or do I need to go rough up my son-in-law?”
I manage a smile. “No. You don’t need to hurt Bran. I left for more than one reason. I’d like to put all the blame on him, but it’s only half of it. Dad, I don’t know who I am anymore. How can my husband love me when I don’t even love myself?”
He finally stops what he’s doing and gives me his full attention. “Well I know who you are. You’re my beautiful daughter.”
“Thanks, but you know it’s more than that. I’m lost, and I can’t be around Brandon to figure it out. I need a breather, and while I’m working on myself I want him to do the same. We don’t like each other right now, and I can’t live like that anymore. I’m tired of pretending we’ll be okay. It’s getting worse. Not to be too personal, but all things can’t be fixed with sex.”
He chuckles. “It’s man thing, honey. We’re wired differently.”
“His priorities aren’t in order, and I’m sick of hoping he’ll change. I feel like he doesn’t appreciate me. I’m difficult to live with. I don’t trust him, because I assume he can do so much better.”
“Sometimes we have to lose something to understand it’s value. Trust me, I know from experience.” He pauses for a minute and rubs his thigh as if he’s uncomfortable. “I’m not going to ask if either of you have been unfaithful. I’d rather not know the details, but you need to hear this from me just this once, Shayla. We’re human and we all make mistakes. Not a day goes by where I don’t regret the pain I caused your mother years ago, but she’s forgiven me, even when I can’t forgive myself. I don’t know your situation, but if you love each other you can overcome adversity, no matter what the case. Don’t give up without trying every route first.”
I reach my hand out and touch his. “Thanks, Dad. That’s a lot better advice than Mom gave earlier.”
“Your mother is a romantic. She wants to ignore the bad in people in order to keep up appearances. She can’t help it. She’s not able to handle failure.”
I sniffle, but manage to hold back another bought of tears. “I’m determined to fix this. Brandon can promise me the world, but it’s never going to repair what’s broken inside of me. I have to do that myself. It’s going to be hard, but this fight isn’t just for me. It’s for my family.”
“Is there anything I can do to help make it easier?”
“Don’t buy junk food. Don’t let me binge eat. If you see me sitting around moping, make me get up.”
“We all need a snack every once in a while.”
I shake my head. “This is important to me. From this moment on I’m changing my life. I need to be healthy first. It’s time I lose the rest of this excess baby weight. I’m going to start running every morning like I did in high school. I want to get back in shape. Are you up for the early morning challenge? Do you want to do it with me?”
He sticks out his arms and flexes his biceps on either side, feeling one with a sarcastic look on his face. “I could use a tune-up.”
“Good.” I stand up and pat him on the shoulder before leaning over to kiss his cheek. “Be up at five. I need to workout before getting Aberdeen ready for school in the mornings she’s here. Thanks for the talk, Dad. It really means a lot.”
I leave my dad in the garage and head into the warm house. He’s going to regret agreeing to be my run buddy, but I’ll force him to do it because I need the support.
I can smell the remnants of something Italian, but don’t dare go in the kitchen to see what it is. My mother sounds like she’s doing the dishes, so I sneak down the hallway to my bedroom.
From now on I’m steering clear of carbs, sugar, and fatty meats. If I want to be the woman I used to be, I need to start from the outside and work my way to my mind. I have to treat this like it’s the only way to save my marriage. Brandon may say he’s content with the way I look, but I’m not. I know I can be better. I don’t just want his approval, I want him to look at me and be proud to be seen with me. I want him to feel like he can’t get better. I need to be everything he fell in love with and more. I’m older. I’m wiser. I’ve given birth to his only child. What I’m looking for isn’t far-fetched. It’s possible if I stick to the plan and see it through.
I only hope he can keep it in his pants long enough to wait for me, but if he doesn’t at least I’ll know I love myself again. I’ll be able to accept what I couldn’t change in my husband, and appreciate the things I learn along the way.
I’m praying it’s as easy as I think it can be, but nothing ever is.
Day one is in the books and I’ve survived. I’ll probably shed more tears before falling asleep, but I don’t give in and head home. One way or another, I’m doing this for me. I have to.
As soon as I change and slip under the covers I hear my phone vibrating. I know it’s either my mother-in-law or my husband, and as much as I want to ignore it, I open the message anyway.
It’s a text from Brandon. My stomach flutters where I see his name appear.
I hate this. You should be here with us. Ab’s been crying all night. She thinks we’re
getting a divorce. Is this what you want? Is this how it’s going to be? – Bran
I don’t want to, but I feel the need to write back, even if it causes a fuss. I can’t sleep knowing my daughter is a mess. I feel awful about it and wonder if I should rush over to soothe her. Her fears are normal and expected. I knew this would happen, so I take a few deep breaths and reassure myself that this will pass. She’s going to be okay no matter what, because she has two parents that would do anything for her.
I didn’t set out to hurt my family, if that’s what your asking. You said you would give me time. I’m doing this to make things better. We both knew she’d be sad. It’s the first night. We’ll get on a good schedule and it be easier for her. – Shay
I watch my message get opened and then the phone shows that he’s writing back.
Please come home. – Bran
No. Please don’t ask me again. I’m turning off my phone. If there is some kind of medical emergency call the house number. If not, I’ll talk to you tomorrow morning. I’ll call before she gets on the bus. – Shay
This isn’t going to help our marriage. It’s going to end it. Mark my word. This is all on you. – Bran
He’s getting mad. I expect this to happen, so I suck it up and turn off my device. I’m not going to go back and forth with him for hours, and I’m definitely not going to jump in my car and run home to him. I’m sure I’ll wake up to more messages, but for now it’s quiet.
Chapter 11
For a while after we get home it’s easy. I make sure Aberdeen takes a bath and jump in the shower myself. When I’m done I find her watching television in the living room. I brush her hair and give her a snack, while she finishes up with her last show of the night. This is something her mother does with her, so it’s strange to be able to do it. The thing is, I’m saddened by it. I’ve become used to a routine, yet now we’re forced to change it around.
Aberdeen doesn’t say a word as we sit together. She’s too quiet, and since she was sick a couple days ago, I’m worried. “You feeling okay, love?”
She shrugs. “I wish Mom was here with us.”
I pull her close. “She’ll come home. It’s not forever.” I don’t know this, but I have to reassure my daughter. That’s when it finally hits me hard. There is a chance this is how our lives will be. We’ll share custody and responsibilities of our daughter, while doing our best to avoid each other.
As much as I’d like to think we can be friends, I highly doubt it’s possible. Shayla doesn’t like me or the people I surround myself with. She’ll pick at everything I do in my life until I can’t take it anymore and tell her to fuck off. This is not how I want my relationship with her to end up, and I’m worried it’s too late to make a difference. I can’t erase what’s been done. We can’t take back what we’ve said to one another. I wish there was a time machine where we could find the exact date and time our marriage went to shit to have a do-over, but who am I kidding? We’ve grown apart. She doesn’t trust me. Honestly, I don’t know if she ever did. Now I wonder if I haven’t given her a dozen reasons not to.
Take the other night for instance. I should have told her about the secretary at the dealership, but I knew I couldn’t. The moment the woman walked into my office I knew my wife was going to freak out. She was beautiful, older, and newly single. It took her a week to hit on me, even after she learned I was married with a child. I’ve turned her down three times, but she’s still pushing my buttons to see if she can break me. The other night she was doing everything in her power to get me to go back to her place. Obviously I didn’t.
When my wife called I wasn’t cheating on her, or even planning to. A bunch of the guys dared me to go out onto the dance floor and do the Cabbage Patch. It’s a funny dance from way back in the day that they swore I knew nothing about. I’ve never been one to deny a dare, so I did my best rendition. Little did I know, Zia the seductress picked up my phone I’d left on the bar next to my beer.
Until Shayla brought it up, I never even knew she’d called. Zia never mentioned it, probably because she was hoping to get me kicked out of my own house so I’d run right to her.
Even if Shay had told me to go to hell, that’s the last woman I’d sleep with. She was too easy. That bitch would spread her legs for a damn dog if she knew it could get her off. After what she pulled, she’s lucky I don’t have her written up for inappropriate contact at the office.
“Dad,” Ab catches my attention. “What if she doesn’t want to live here anymore?” I hate that she’s asking me this, because I can’t give the right answer.
I pat her leg. “You know what, we’re not going to let that happen. It’s up to you and I to convince her to come home. Do you think you could help me?” I realize I’m involving my daughter in a scheme, but it only seems fair. We both want the same thing, so why not work together to make it happen?
“Yes.”
“Good. Next time you see Mommy you act real sad. Tell her she has to come home. Make sure you cry a bit so she feels bad.”
“I can do that, because I am sad.”
“I know, Ab. I’m sad too.”
“Does Mom still love you?” She questions. It’s not out of line. She’s curious as to why Shay would leave. She’s probably thinking it’s something she did. I don’t want my daughter confused.
“I think she does.”
“Do you love her?”
“Yes. Of course I do.”
“Will you get a divorce?”
I kiss the top of my daughter’s head and try not to imagine what it would be like to get served with papers. “I hope not.”
“Me too.”
“Listen to me, Ab. No matter what happens, we’re always going to be a family. You, me and your mother. Nothing will ever change that.”
Aberdeen seems to be pleased. She nestles up next to me and closes her eyes. “Are you tired?” She’s had a long day.
“Yeah. Mom usually puts my clothes out for school and we pick out my shoes I’m going to wear. Can you help me?”
I know nothing about little girl’s fashion, but decide it can’t be too hard. “Come on. I’ll let you pick out whatever you want to wear tomorrow.”
“Whatever I want?”
I snicker. “Yeah, whatever your little heart desires.” Since I know her mother will pick her up after school I find it hilarious that our daughter will be dressed to impress or lack there of. I’m pissed she’s playing these head games with me, so it’s only natural to want to annoy the hell out of her in hopes she’ll want to come home and fix what I’ve messed up.
After we’ve laid out an outfit that will make her mother cringe, I get her tucked under her covers. She hands me her favorite book and watches as I begin to read it with her. After going through it twice she’s finally yawning. “I wish Mom was here.”
“I know, sweetie. Me too. Mommy needs some time to herself. You’ll see her tomorrow. Try to get some sleep.”
“Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?” She asks.
I watch her scoot over to make room for me. I kick off my boots and climb in next to her. She nestles her little frame against me and closes her eyes. For a while I sit there listening to her breathing. I can tell she’s fallen asleep, but I don’t dare move. I need this more than I want to admit. She’s my little girl, my reason for everything I have. The thought of her being hurt breaks me apart. I’m hurt and angry, so I pull out my phone and start sending text messages to Shay. She needs to know this isn’t okay with me.
I hate this. You should be here with us. Ab’s been crying all night. She thinks we’re getting a divorce. Is this what you want? Is this how it’s going to be? – Bran
I wait to see if she’ll open the message or ignore it. She’s stubborn, and I’m not sure pushing her buttons is the right move, though I can’t exactly help myself. Her response only makes it harder to digest.
I didn’t set out to hurt my family, if that’s what your asking. You said you would give me time. I’m doi
ng this to make things better. We both knew she’d be sad. It’s the first night. We’ll get on a good schedule and it be easier for her. – Shay
I read it three times. Maybe it’s just me, but I get the feeling she might be considering divorce, even though she’s not admitting it. She’s actually thought about this enough where she wants to make a schedule for our child. I’m getting emotional and it’s pissing me off.
Please come home. – Bran
She responds quickly this time.
No. Please don’t ask me again. I’m turning off my phone. If there is some kind of medical emergency call the house number. If not, I’ll talk to you tomorrow morning. I’ll call before she gets on the bus. – Shay
She assumes I’m going to be okay with this. I know we’ve fought a lot, but I don’t feel as if this can help what’s broken. We need to figure it out together, not apart. I decided to threaten her to see how she’ll react.
This isn’t going to help our marriage. It’s going to end it. Mark my word. This is all on you. – Bran
I wait.
And wait.
I climb out of Aberdeen’s bed and make it into mine.
I keep checking my phone, but there’s no reply.
Now I think I’ve pissed her off so bad she refuses to talk to me. I want to hash this out, but I’m not able to because she’s not home. We can’t fight and make up like I’m used to. I have nothing to take my frustrations out on.
I give her phone one more call and get her voicemail. When it beeps I start to say something, but end the call instead. It’s not like she ever listens to her messages. Now more than ever she’ll want to ignore them.
Because (Seven Year Itch #4) Page 7