When I can’t sleep I watch porn. I scroll through seventeen pages of videos before finding something I might like. I get into it, holding my phone with one hand and my dick with the other. It takes me four minutes to start noticing life down there. I’m hoping this will calm me down enough I’ll be able to sleep.
I stare at the screen, watching two women making out. They start taking off each other’s clothes. A dude comes in and they’re all over him. While one gets on her knees and starts sucking him off, the other sits on a chair away from them and watches. I’ve probably seen this one before, or I’ve just watched so much I can predict what will happen next. I sigh and try to focus, realizing almost immediately that my shit isn’t working the way I think it should be. I used to be a man who was easily turned on and now I can’t even begin to explain what’s happening to me. Even my mojo is fucked up. I’m holding a limp dick while the sounds of the X-rated flick still play on the small screen of my phone.
It’s not until I imagine having sex with Shay when it gets hard again. I picture us in the shower, and the way her lips stretch to fit my fat cock in between them. I recall her plump ass and the way it shakes when I’m fucking her from behind.
I’m now hard as a rock.
Her tits are what I’m thinking about now. I keep my eyes closed and pretend I’m sucking on each of them. Now she’s licking them too. Her body is rocking overtop of mine. If I focus I can almost smell her sweet skin in the room. Twenty-four hours ago this was happening for real, and being fresh on my mind is only making this more intense. For the next few minutes I recall every second of the previous night until I know I’m about to explode. I manage to grab a dirty shirt and catch it to avoid making a mess I’ll have to explain later.
With my heart racing, and exhaustion finally happening, I’m settled on calling it a night. I don’t fall asleep until hours later, and even then I toss and turn, waking up several times to find the spot next to me empty.
This would amuse my wife. There have been so many times I’ve fallen asleep on the couch and she’s left me there, yet the one night I need to be close to her, she’s gone. This can’t continue. I’ve got to bring her home for myself and my daughter, but I don’t know how to make it happen. Despite the way I feel about her, whether it be angry or in love, I know she’s in control. It’s killing me to imagine her being gone, so I have to hold on. I haven’t been a good husband, not in her eyes. I’ve made choices that have hurt her time and time again. I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted me to rot at the bottom of the ocean tied to a thousand pound cinder block.
I have to wait and be patient, but mostly I need to learn how to put her first. If I don’t, I’m afraid what’ll be left, and I know for certain it won’t be a complete family like I’m used to.
Chapter 12
The sound of my alarm wakes me. I rub my eyes before picking it up to make sure it’s the right time. For assuming I wouldn’t be able to sleep through the night, I’m surprised to find I didn’t wake up once.
I sit up in bed and look around. The sun isn’t up yet. I’m not used to this, but it’s only a small part of the changes I’m making to my life. Once I’m dressed I head downstairs and find my dad standing in the kitchen. He’s got two bottles of water sitting on the counter, and he’s stretching out his arms. “It’s about time you got up. I thought you might have changed your mind.”
I conjure up the best laugh I’m able to give for this time of morning. “Fat chance. We’re doing this. Rain or shine, for as long as possible. I’m not going to quit until I have the results I’m looking for, Dad.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear you’re so determined. It’s about time you’re doing something for yourself.”
This makes me happy. I’m petrified I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, so any support is welcomed.
I’m not surprised when I can’t make it one block without stopping to rest. I’m out shape, my determination diminishing with each pant. My dad comes back to my side and places his hand on my shoulder. He’s out of breath too. “Maybe we should start out by walking until we get back into the swing of things?”
I nod, still unable to speak. A few minutes later, after we’ve recuperated, we drink half of our water and start back on the route. We’ve made it a few blocks before either of us says anything.
“How is Aberdeen taking this separation? Have you told her?”
“She knows. She’s sad and confused. I’m hoping it doesn’t get too hard for her. I hate what this will do to her while she’s waiting for us to figure things out.”
“What is Brandon saying about it?”
“He’s upset with me. He thinks I’m being ridiculous. But that’s how he is. He’s selfish. I’m hoping this teaches him to appreciate all the things I do for them, but who knows. I suppose only time will tell.”
“The weight loss, is it because he’s made you feel like you’re not good enough?”
I don’t dare go into details with my dad. I’ve been taught to keep certain things between me and my husband. My parents don’t need to know the little details. “No, Dad. This is for my benefit.”
“That boy loves you. He might not show it the way you want, but it’s obvious.”
As much as I appreciate what he’s saying, he only sees what’s on the outside. I don’t doubt Brandon loves me, but it’s certainly not for the right reasons, and it’s definitely not the kind of love I feel for him.
“Thanks. I hope you’re right. I’m not doing this to tear my family apart. In a lot of ways I feel like this is the only way to put it back together.”
“You do whatever you have to do. I’ll be here if you need someone to talk to. I won’t judge.”
I know he won’t, however I still refuse to offer little tidbits about my personal life in order for him to form an opinion. I have to shut him out of that aspect of my relationship issues. It’s for his own good, and mine as well.
After our little heart to heart we get back to power walking the neighborhood. It doesn’t occur to me what time it is until we get back to the house and I check out the time on the microwave. Ab is about to get on the bus and I’m going to miss talking to her.
I make a mad dash for my bedroom where I’ve left my phone. I notice there’s a message from Brandon, so I open it to make sure everything is okay. It’s from last night, and it’s not promising. He’s already getting annoyed by my plan to figure things out.
Since I’m too concerned about our daughter, I shake off the ill feelings and dial his number. He picks up on the second ring. “You just missed her.” I can hear the sound of the bus pulling away from the curb. He’s telling me the truth, and it hurts my heart.
“I’m sorry.” I can’t offer anything else.
“Yeah, tell that to your daughter.”
“It won’t happen again, Bran.”
“If you were here where you belong it wouldn’t have happened at all. Keep playing your little mind games and telling yourself this is for the best. When this plan of yours backfires and you’re left alone, it won’t be my undoing.”
“Are you threatening me?” I’m feeling like he is. I won’t be ordered to come home when I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing for us.
“I’m telling it like it is. You have responsibilities to us.”
“Maybe it’s time you learn what it’s like to walk a day in my shoes. Better yet, make it a week or a month. You have no idea all the things I do for our family.” Our voices are raising, and it’s only a matter of time before one of my parents come into the room to see what’s going on. “I’m not doing this with you. I’ll pick Ab up from school like I did yesterday, then I’ll find out where she wants to stay tonight. Expect a text from me after four. I’d appreciate it if you acknowledge you’ve seen it that way I know we’re on the same page.”
“Yeah, whatever. Just so you know, I have something to do tonight. I won’t be home until after nine. You’ll have to keep her until then. I don’t want her staying at your
parents.”
“You can’t make that decision, Brandon. She’s my child too.”
“You are the one who left. You don’t get to make the rules, Shay. Our daughter will spend her nights with me unless it’s the weekend. You don’t need to uproot her because you have a hair up your ass.”
“I’ll do whatever I think is fair. You can’t order me around.” Yet another reason why it was best for us to spend time apart.
“We’ll see about that.”
“So where is it you have to be tonight that’s so important?” Maybe I don’t have a right to ask about this, but if he’s going to be a jerk to me I’m going to give it right back, plus a part of me wonders if he’s lying to get under my skin.
“Toby’s getting married. I’m meeting up with the guys about planning a bachelor party in Atlantic City.”
Over my dead body will I ever be okay with my husband involved in something like this. I don’t trust his friends as far as I can throw them. “Is this your way of pissing me off?”
He chuckles. “It’s got nothing to do with you. You want your freedom, go take it. I can’t stop you, but at the same time, you can’t stop me either. This is what you want, right? You want time apart? Well, this is what I’m going to do to pass the time. If you don’t care for my choices maybe you should come home and do something about it.”
I open my mouth to argue and realize he’s hung up on me. Disturbed by his assumptions, I dial his number back. This isn’t going to end with him getting the last word in. He picks up after the fourth ring. “I’m on my way to work. Don’t make me turn off my phone.”
“I don’t want it to be this way, Bran. We have to work together.”
“Well, until you come to your senses, I refuse to do a damn thing to help you with the exception of our daughter. She’ll always come first. And I meant what I said about her living arrangements. She belongs at home, and that’s where she’ll stay. You can bitch all you want, but I refuse to mess with her head any more than you already are.”
“You’re not being fair. It’s not like I packed up my whole life and moved across the country. I’m at my parent’s house, and I’ve assured you it’s in order to fix our marriage, not ruin it.”
“From where I’m sitting, that’s exactly what you’re doing.”
I try to take a deep breath and hold in my anger toward my husband. He knows how to push my buttons. He’s pissed at me and he has every right to be, but I won’t stand for being the blame for all of this. “If things were good between us I wouldn’t have taken drastic measure as I’ve done. One day you’ll respect the hell out of me for this.”
“Keep telling yourself that when you’re still living at your parents a year from now, alone and miserable.” He hangs up on me again, this time leaving me more aggravated than before.
This fight is far from over. There’s going to be many more disagreements before we can find resolution, but this is the last resort before I throw in the towel. He’s only proving exactly what I’ve suspected all along. If Brandon isn’t willing to wait for me, our marriage probably isn’t worth salvaging.
My four hour shift at work should keep my mind off of everything, but it doesn’t. Char discovers me crying in the changing room. She knocks on the door three times before I wipe my face and crack the door. “I’m fine. I just need a second.”
She looks behind her and then back to me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I step back and allow her entry. “I don’t know where to begin.”
She sits and folds her hands on her knees. “I’m a good listener. It’s slow as hell today. Let me help.”
I proceed to tell her about my marriage, and how it’s been failing for a long time. I don’t go into every single little detail, but when I’m done she’s knows enough to understand why I’m so depressed.
“I think you’re doing the right thing, Shayla. How else will you ever know if he’s devoted to you and your marriage?”
“Exactly.” She gets it. Finally, someone understands why I’ve gone to extremes. “I wish my husband could see it. He’s determined to make my life miserable until I come home and go back to the way things were. I can’t take it anymore. I hate my life, because I’m not in control of it.”
She pulls out her cell phone and takes down my number. I watch as she sends me a message. “Now you have my number too. I don’t have many friends on this side of the Bay Bridge, so if you ever want to talk, or go out for a couple drinks, let me know.”
I smile, even though I’ve never liked hanging out at bars. “I appreciate that.” Truth be told, I don’t have many friends either. Besides my parents, no one knows what’s going on with me.
Before Char stands to head back out to the floor, she offers me one more piece of advice. “My mom always tells me to follow my heart. She says we always know what’s right, even if we can’t admit it to others. You’re obviously a few years older than me, so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve certainly never been married or had children.”
“I appreciate any advice at this point. It’s good to know I don’t have to hold it all in.”
“Your husband sounds like he’s being a jerk. I hope he realizes how hard this is for you, and he gives you the time you need to make things good again.”
She offers a friendly hug before exiting the dressing room.
For the next two hours I fold clothes and manage to keep busy, all while worrying about what will happen next.
Once I clock out of work I head to Aberdeen’s school. Since she usually rides the bus I have to go in to check her out as a car rider. As soon as I step into the office I get a bunch of questionable looks. “Mrs. Vincent, did your daughter forget something?”
I’m confused. “Not that I know of. I’m here to pick her up.”
“I’m sorry. You just missed your husband by about ten minutes or so.”
I’m angry, but I have no right to tell them he can’t pick her up. He’s her father, so obviously it’s allowed. I pretend I’m confused. “Oh, right. I completely forgot to check my messages. He said he was going to try to get off early. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll meet them at home.”
The school is about twenty minutes from where we reside. I drive the speed limit because cops are strict on people blowing through school zones. When I pull into the driveway I see my husband’s mustang parked. I pull up behind him and walk up the porch steps. I don’t know why I expect him to greet me, but when he doesn’t I’m more annoyed. The gravel makes it obvious when someone arrives.
Just as I open the kitchen door I see him sitting at the table with Aberdeen. She’s got her homework strewn across it, and on the floor next to them sits a laundry basket full of clothes. The kitchen sink is filled with dishes and there are crumbs on the countertop that look to be from breakfast.
If I were home it wouldn’t look like this. Brandon gives me a once over and then focuses his attention on Ab, while she slides out of her seat and rushes over to hug me. “Mom. Dad said you couldn’t visit today.”
“He did? Well, nothing is going to stop me from seeing my girl. I missed you today.”
“I missed you too. I got all my spelling words right on my test.”
We’d practiced all last week, but I’m still tickled she did well, especially when I’m worried about our situation affecting her schoolwork. “I’m so proud of you. I knew you could do it.”
I stop for a second and take her in. She’s wearing a polka dotted shirt with a pair of striped leggings. Her shoes are open-toed with a slight heel. I’d gotten them from a thrift store for her to play dress up in, not wear to school. “What on earth do you have on, young lady?”
She giggles. “Daddy said I could wear whatever I want.”
I’m not surprised. He’s giving her whatever her little heart desires to get to me. It’s working. I toss him an evil grin and notice he’s already amused. His smirk makes me want to slap it off his face. He’s too handsome for me to focus, and I know
if I’m not careful I’m going to fall victim to my own heart.
I peer down at my daughter and look into her beautiful bright eyes. “Why don’t you go play for a bit while I talk to your dad?”
She looks to him as if he’s the boss now. He nods and she goes running out of the room. My hands are on my hips. I’m ready to give him a piece of my mind. He latches his finger in the hem of my khaki pants and pulls me close. I want to fight him, but I can’t seem to do it. I need to know he’s still interested in being with me, and it’s only been one day. “I didn’t come here for this, Bran.” I swat his hand away but remain in the same location. “I want to talk, but it’s going to be across from you at the table. You’re not going to persuade me to come home by touching me.”
He chuckles and shakes his head. “Unless you’re coming home to stay, I’ve got nothing to say.”
Just like that he’s shutting me out. I don’t know whether to push the topic or walk away from it. One thing is for sure, looking into his eyes and seeing my future is getting harder by the minute.
Chapter 13
I had a shitty day at work, and now she’s here trying to piss me off more. Shayla didn’t show up so we could work things out, or because she misses me. She’s still trying to play these ridiculous head games and I’ve about had it. Instead of sitting, she bends over and meddles through the basket of clothes on the floor. “I don’t know whether these are clean or dirty.”
“They’re clean. Can’t you tell they’re still warm? I refluffed them so they wouldn’t be wrinkled.”
She picks up a few pieces. “These are all different colors. You can’t mix colors with whites.”
“They look fine to me. I needed shirts for work. Don’t scrutinize me, Shay. You weren’t here to take care of it, so I did it myself.”
She tosses the clothing back in the basket and walks over to the sink. Her hands are on either side of the large stainless bowl and she’s staring down at it. “I wish you knew how hard this is for me, Bran.”
Because (Seven Year Itch #4) Page 8