Because (Seven Year Itch #4)

by Jennifer Foor

  I nod. “Yeah, okay. Sorry. I thought you’d want to know.”

  “I don’t want compliments from you. Not ever.”

  This hurts. I don’t get it. What gives her the right to act so rude when I’ve done absolutely nothing to provoke it? “Why? Can you at least tell me that? I think you’re beautiful. You’ve always been that way to me. It’s not a secret.”

  “Yeah, me and so many others.”

  I pull the car over because I’m really on my last nerve. “What is your problem with me?”

  “Nothing. Just drive. I don’t feel like fighting.”

  I take a few deep breaths and try to settle my suspicions. “Is this your doctor’s doing? Did she say something to piss you off? Let me guess, you told her we were going to a wedding together and she told you it was a terrible idea.”

  “I haven’t seen my doctor in weeks. I haven’t needed to. I’ve been happy for once, Brandon.”

  “Way to kick me when I’m down, Shay. You might not be miserable, but I am. I’m sick of sitting on the sidelines wondering when you’re going to let me back into your life. I miss you like crazy. All these changes you’ve made to yourself don’t make a difference to me. I wanted you the old way.”

  “We’re never getting back together. I thought I made that clear a while back.”

  “A man can dream.”

  “Keep it in your pants, Bran. I’m not interested.”

  “My dick or my opinions?”

  “Both.”

  “Huh. Well that’s a downer.”

  She turns again, this time with intent filling her eyes. “You know what, Brandon, I’m sick of pretending. I want you to know I don’t give a damn who you date anymore. Fuck the whole town for all I care.”

  “Where is this coming from? I haven’t seen anyone. I swear.”

  “Unlock the door.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m getting out. I’ll walk home. I can’t help you. Go to the store yourself, or just go to the party with what you have. You’re famous for half-assing everything you do.”

  I wait for her to actually get out before chasing after her. “Shayla, wait. Don’t be crazy. I’ll take you home.”

  She finally stops walking away. When she turns she’s crying. “I don’t know why I bother. It doesn’t change anything.”

  “I’m lost, babe. You need to talk to me.”

  “All I wanted was to be the only woman in your life, aside from Aberdeen. Why was I never enough?”

  I still have no idea where this conversation is coming from, but she obviously wants to hash this out, right in the middle of a busy highway. “Can we get back in the car at least? A tire could blow off a vehicle and kill us.”

  She huffs and puffs back to the passenger seat. I join her and give it a few seconds before I open my mouth. “I don’t know what’s going on. Whatever you think I’ve done, you’re wrong. For over a month I’ve been sitting to the side, waiting for whatever this is to blow over. I’ve never lost hope that we’d eventually figure it out. I still love you, Shay. Damn it woman, why can’t you see that?”

  “Because I’m blinded by the things you do behind my back. By how you’ve treated me in the past. By the things you say to me when no one else is around. You’re cruel and it’s taken a toll on me. I’ve gone through an identity crisis just to try to heal from the damage you’ve done to my soul.”

  “This again?” I shake my head. “I’m not hiding anything, and if I said things that hurt you it’s probably because you’ve taken them out of context like you’re famous for doing.”

  “It’s just like you to blame me for everything. You know what, it doesn’t matter anymore. I know you’re lying to me, to yourself even. How can we be friends if you can’t be honest with me? Why should I have to be the only one willing to change?”

  “Shayla, I swear I have no damn idea what the hell you’re talking about. Spit the shit out.”

  She begins to cry harder. I’m at a loss for words. I bring my hand over and place it over hers. She’s sniffling as she speaks. “I want us to be friends. We can’t have secrets. We can’t treat each other like dirt. We have to be on the same page. We’re a team.”

  “Okay. I’m with you.”

  “No.” She shakes her head. “I know you’ve been talking to someone online, Bran.”

  “Huh? No I’m not.”

  “Don’t lie!”

  I throw my hands up. “I’m not! Swear!”

  “I know you’re on a dating site. My friend saw it.”

  I finally get it. “Oh that. Look, Toby thought it was a good idea. He set that up, not me. I haven’t done a damn thing with it though.”

  “You’re still lying.”

  “No, seriously, I’m not. I told them I was still hung up on you; on our marriage. Shayla, do you honestly think I’m that blatantly stupid? If I wanted to get laid I’d pick someone up in person, not that I’m trying to. I haven’t made contact with anyone.”

  She hands me her phone. It’s on some girl’s profile and it clearly says we’ve made contact with one another.

  I point to it. “I didn’t talk to her. Not even once.”

  “Who did then, Bran? The things you said were spot on.”

  “That’s not even my phone number. I have no idea who that is. Have you tried to call it?”

  “No.”

  “How can you be mad at me when you haven’t tried to call the number?”

  I pull out my phone and show her that I don’t even have the app before dialing the number. It rings three times and goes straight to a prerecorded voicemail with the operator saying the caller isn’t available. “I’m telling you, this isn’t me. I’ll prove it.” I call Toby with it on speaker.

  “What’s up, dude. You ready for tonight.”

  “Yeah, man, listen, I need to know if you’ve been on that dating site as me?”

  “What website?”

  I’m gritting my teeth. This is not the time for him to dick around. “Just tell me. Have you pretended to be me and talked to someone?”

  “No. If you haven’t noticed I’ve been busy, man. What’s up? Why do you care?”

  “Never mind. I’ll talk to you later.”

  I hang up with Toby and lean my head on the steering wheel. “Shay, I swear it wasn’t me.”

  She wipes her face with her hands and finally looks over at me. “Are you interested in dating?”

  “Not unless it’s with you.”

  “I want to believe you, Bran. I wish you knew how much.”

  “What then?”

  “I still can’t trust you. I’m sorry. I know it’s not what you want to hear. Maybe going to the wedding is a bad idea.”

  “No. Please. I already told Ab. She’ll be devastated if you don’t come.”

  She’s rolling her eyes. “Great. Throw me under the bus.”

  “I’m not. Come to the wedding with us. Please. I’ll find a way to prove I’m not talking to anyone else.”

  “How? Are you going to bribe one of your friends to take the blame?”

  “Nope. I’m going to find the fucker who’s doing it and kick their ass.”

  “Can you just take me home? I shouldn’t have agreed to come with you. I’ve been upset for several days and being this close to you only makes it worse.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  I reach over to take her hand, but she pulls away. “Why is it so hard to admit it’s over between us?”

  The pain in her eyes only makes it worse to handle. “Because it’s never going to be over.”

  She’s frustrated. The only way I’ve ever been able to emotionally reach her is with sex and that can’t happen anymore. I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know how to act or what to say next.

  “I will never love anyone the way I love you. Look at me. I’m telling you the truth. I’m not a magician. I can’t turn off my feelings. I took you for granted. I wasn’t there for you. If you don’t love me anymore I get it, but don’t ever ask
me to give up on you. It’s not going to happen.”

  She lifts her phone up again. “I don’t know if I have a right to be jealous. It just shocked me. Even if you did talk to someone else, it’s not fair for me to judge you. I made it clear we were over.”

  She’s killing me. Every time she opens her mouth my heart breaks. “I’m not ready to say goodbye. Even if you know for sure you’re done with me, I won’t give up. I don’t know how to do it, but I refuse to let you go. If being your friend is all I can be I’ll take it for now. Don’t give up on me, Shay.”

  “I don’t want to, but you keep making it so damn difficult.”

  I’m not sure who used my name to talk to some random chick, but I will get to the bottom of it.

  She’s beginning to calm down. Her hands have stopped shaking. I take one and bring it up to my lips. She watches but doesn’t pull away. I keep her hand until I can tell it’s making her uncomfortable. “Can we start over?”

  She shrugs. “I don’t see how. It’s not like we can forget the past fourteen minutes.”

  “If I need to turn around and knock on the door again I will.”

  She snickers. “That’s not necessary.”

  I start to pull away from the shoulder of the road. “I’m taking you with me to the store. I promise to behave.”

  “You’re not giving me a choice are you?”

  “Nope.”

  “Fine.” She’s calmer. Maybe she’s given up trying to get away from me. Maybe she’s sick and tired of fighting about every little thing. Whatever has changed her mind I’m grateful for.

  Nothing can prepare two newly separated people from the awkwardness they will experience when walking into an adult store. From the second I enter I know this isn’t going to end well.

  Chapter 24

  I’m carrying a basket around, prepared to fill it full of items for a party I don’t plan on attending. I wasn’t even invited, but after fighting with Brandon and seeing how much he seemed to feel confused, I’m forced to put our differences aside to prove we can get along. This isn’t just about letting go of the past and moving forward, it’s more about accepting the things neither of us can change and finding a way to coexist. We obviously love each other. That’s never been our problem. It’s everything else we can’t seem to figure out.

  While trying to keep my composure, my mind is stuck on who I could have been talking to this whole time if it wasn’t Brandon. I’ve never seen him so adamant. It’s crippling me to see him upset, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to ever let go of the way I still care for him.

  Brandon wastes no time once we enter the establishment. He starts grabbing huge dildos and tossing them into the small basket. I notice they have suction cups on the ends. “Please tell me you’re kidding?”

  “What? You said I need favors. What chick doesn’t want a big dildo to take home?”

  I laugh. It’s hysterical the way he’s able to say it without cracking a smile. “I think I’m the only one who needs one of them in my bedside table. Put them back. Just keep the blue one.”

  “Does it remind you of me?” He asks, while doing what I request.

  “No. It’s much bigger in size. I’ll let you know if there are any comparisons after I use it tonight.” I march past him as if I’m being serious. I have no intentions of buying this huge toy, but he doesn’t have to know it. Since we’ve already gotten into a heated argument I’m determined to put on a cheerful smile and let go of what is bothering me. For the time being I have Brandon’s attention. He wants to be with me, and I’m in no danger of falling victim to his charm in this type of store. Surrounded by sex objects, I find comfort in knowing it makes him completely uncomfortable.

  He’s reading packages and shaking his head, while I find penis balloons, plates and cups with hairy bushes and even candy in the shape of sexual organs. I find Brandon in the clothing section. He’s holding up a package of a little G-string thong decorated like a tuxedo. “I’m thinking of wearing this to the wedding. What do you think?”

  I cover my mouth to avoid cackling loudly. “You’re insane. I dare you.”

  He pretends to consider it and swiftly hangs the item back in it’s designated place. Next he picks up a book titled, Being a Better Lover. He pretends to flip through the pages as if he’s speed reading. I jerk the book from his hands and place it back on the shelf. “We need to go if we’re going to make it home in time to get Ab off the bus.”

  He nods and takes the basket from my hands, digging through to pull out the dildo I asked him to save for me. “You won’t be needing this,” he says.

  “What? How would you know?”

  “Because we’re friends now. Friends help friends. I’m just a call away.”

  I shove him and walk to the register. I say nothing as he pays for the merchandise and carries the bags out to his Mustang. He tosses them in the trunk and rushes over the open the passenger door for me.

  “You’ve got to be kidding, Bran. Do you seriously think I’d consider having sex with you?”

  “Why not? It’s one thing we always did right. I’d rather you be with me than anyone else.”

  “We’re not having this discussion.”

  “Fine. The offer still stands though. I’m available twenty-four-seven.”

  Just when he says it I get a notification on my text app that I’ve received a message. I quickly go to it knowing it couldn’t be from Brandon. I’ve been with him this whole time.

  I’ve been thinking about you. How are you?

  “Bran, you’re not going to believe this. I just got a message from you.”

  “I told you it wasn’t me.”

  Now I feel like an asshole. “How was I supposed to know?”

  “Because you know me. I made mistakes in the past. I admitted to talking to girls online, but I’ve never cheated on you. Whoever this person is, it’s not me. I meant what I said to you. I want to reconcile. I won’t take you for granted.”

  “I’m going to ignore the message.”

  “Good. Hopefully they’ll go away. I don’t want my perfect name out there on that site.”

  He’s ridiculous to a fault. “I’m sorry for earlier,” I offer. “Some feelings are hard to control. I’d like it if we could be friends, Bran. I hate having to avoid each other. I miss you. I don’t regret the choice I made to leave. I think it was necessary. We were in a bad place. We were at war with each other, with ourselves even.”

  “Yeah, I agree.”

  I extend my hand to shake his. “Friends?”

  “For now,” he replies.

  “You’re not going to make this transition easy?”

  “Transition? I’m not transitioning. I’m following my heart.”

  “Oh for goodness sakes. Not that again,” I tease.

  He winks at me. “You haven’t seen anything yet.” He laughs before continuing. “I’m kidding. I’m happy to be your friend, Shay. I’m miserable being nothing, so this is a good start.”

  Talking about being friends was all fine and dandy, though I was kidding myself if I thought I could be around my husband and not want more. In the time we’ve been living apart I’ve been able to see how many of our problems were created by me alone. Brandon played his part in a lot too, but most were only because my suspicions led me to believe otherwise. Truth be told, Brandon is a hard worker. He’s always taken care of me, and I love him for that. Given the amount of time I spent dwelling on what can’t be changed, I’m certain falling right back into our old ways would be a lot easier than tiptoeing around the idea of indifference.

  I’d like to think time heals all wounds, but how much time is needed? When is enough, enough? When life gives you lemons do you make lemonade or run to the grocery store and trade them in for something better?

  People may not approve of my actions or the way I handle my marriage. They might think I’m weak or psychotic. Imagine loving someone to the brink of losing yourself. Then imagine that love being ripped away from you
. That’s where my fear derives from. It’s a painful reality I’ve somehow learned to accept and live with. It’s something I’ll have to work on every day until I die.

  Brandon is my kryptonite. As much as I know he might be bad for me, I crave more. I need it, because nothing else can give me what he does.

  It’s weird when we pull up at the house. I’m not sure if I should rush out of the car, just say goodbye, hug him, or something more. We’ve agreed to be friends. What does that mean between two people who have shared so much? Is it possible to have a non-sexual relationship when two people are extremely attracted to one another and had an intimate past? I’m lost.

  “So, I guess I’ll go before the bus gets here. I don’t want Ab to be confused.”

  “That’s probably a good idea.”

  “We’ve talked about a bunch of things in the past hour. I need to be sure you’re still going to come to the wedding.”

  “I said I’d be there.”

  “And the party tonight?”

  “Count me out. I think it’s best if we steer clear of each other until the big event.”

  I can tell he’s not pleased. Brandon is simple-minded. He expects problems to go away quickly. I knew this when I agreed to a friendship. Of course he’d assume I’d jump right in bed with him. “I look forward to Saturday.”

  “I was thinking I might not be able to pick you up. Do you think you and Ab could drive there and then I’ll leave with you guys?” He pauses for a second. “Or I’ll just catch a ride with my parents if you don’t feel like dropping me off.”

  “I can drive. It’s fine.”

  Before I know it’s happening he’s kissing me on the cheek. “We might be a mess when we’re together, but it’s a beautiful mess. Don’t stand me up on Saturday, Shay.”

  I go to get out of the car and stop to ask a question. “Would you want this if I looked the way I used to?”

  He seems irritated I’d ask it. “You already know the answer to that question, babe.”

  Do I? Is the truth in my heart and I just refuse to accept it? If it is I don’t know myself the way I think I do. It’s necessary to reevaluate my life again, and this time with a positive attitude instead of the old one that only promises a lifetime of regret and loneliness.