Eyes of a Child

by Richard North Patterson

  Why, Terri thought, did she feel a sense of loss and apprehension? She and Chris had never discussed the future and, until the court awarded final custody of Elena, could not consider living together even if they wanted to. ‘And you’re thinking about it,’ she ventured.

  ‘To my surprise. After Lasko ended, I wanted nothing more to do with politics. But when Wally called, I realized that there are things I’d like to say, and this may be a last chance to say them in any way that matters,’ Chris turned to the window. ‘At my age, you start to ask yourself what it’s all meant. My answer has always been Carlo. But outside of that, I really don’t know. And in two years, Carlo leaves for college.’

  ‘How does he feel about this?’

  ‘Carlo claims to be all for it, although I worry about being gone too much. Another part is us.’ He turned back to her. ‘James Colt will not be thrilled, and politics can be pretty savage. Even when it’s not, it tends to eat up lives.’

  Something told Terri that she did not wish Chris to do this. But she did not know what Chris might want for them, or where his self-interest ended and hers began; until the final custody hearing, there was no point in imagining their future. ‘It might be nice for you to have a hobby,’ she said with a smile. ‘It’s just that I worry about Richie, all right? He’s jealous of you, Chris.’

  ‘Richie? What can he do to me?’ Chris seemed to watch her for a moment, and then changed the subject. ‘Whatever Richie does when he has Elena,’ he told her, ‘don’t save him, and don’t cover for him. Without your help, he may start screwing up Elena’s life in a way that other people notice.’ His voice turned cool and clear. ‘No matter how painful, let him. Because Elena will end up with you.’

  This, Terri knew, was the best advice Chris could give. But the mother in Terri found it hard to follow.

  Perhaps Richie knew that she could not help but salvage him if Elena was at risk. When Richie suddenly ‘gave up’ the old apartment because he had stopped paying rent, he had let her know that he was looking in neighborhoods Terri knew to be unsafe; after a week of this, Terri found them another apartment in the city, so that Elena would be closer, and when the landlord balked at Richie’s credit, Terri cosigned the lease. She hated herself for it, just as – in the twisted logic of a custody battle – she despised herself for finding Elena the best possible school for kindergarten, once it was clear that Richie would not bother. Richie knew nothing about the school, and did not seem to care. But when Terri dragged him to observe the classroom Elena would enter in the fall, Richie cornered the teacher Leslie Warner, a willowy darkhaired woman with wide-set eyes and a credulous demeanor. In his proud and confiding manner, Richie described to Warner how he ‘participated in Elena’s fantasies,’ so as to ‘help her imagination come alive’; smiling and nodding, Warner did not take her eyes off Richie. Terri could not stand to watch.

  But neither, it seemed, could she truly help Elena.

  It was not any one thing, but a series of disturbing changes. Elena, though still defensive of her father, no longer asked whether he and Terri might reconcile. Instead she would sit alone for long listless periods, barely speaking. She would not sleep by herself, began demanding the night-light she had proudly discarded a year before. She complained of stomach-aches. She smiled less, painted less, went to the playground at Terri’s suggestion rather than asking to go. When Terri called the school, the teacher said that Elena was polite to her but had made no real friends. Yet Richie claimed to see nothing.

  They were standing in her kitchen after Richie had dropped off Elena. ‘She’s always fine with me,’ he told her. ‘That leaves you and your boyfriend. If you were a little more sensitive, Ter, you’d see that your premature relationship is a form of abuse and give him up.’

  Terri controlled her temper. ‘She’s been listless at school too. And she used to make friends so easily.’

  Richie grimaced. ‘I’ll keep an eye out, okay? But Leslie keeps me posted, and I think you’re the problem. In fact, I think that all you’re proving is how right Scatena had it. I don’t know why you imagine you can change his mind – especially when you’re still screwing Paget.’

  Through her anger, Terri heard the reference to ‘Leslie’ – dropped, perhaps, to make Terri wonder. It would be just like him, Terri thought; a chance to ingratiate himself with an attractive young woman by playing the anxious father. ‘This isn’t a contest, Richie –’

  ‘You’re damn right it isn’t.’ His voice turned low and angry. ‘I’m broke all the time now – no money for Lawsearch, no nothing. It’s a good thing some women like me enough to take me out.’ His eyes glinted with resentment. ‘Except for my sex life, you really fucked me over.’

  Terri simply stared at him. ‘It’s so sad,’ she said then. ‘In some ways, you understand me so well. But you don’t understand yourself at all. So you’ll always end up blaming me for everything that happens to you. All the way to the bottom, taking Elena with you.’

  His face changed; it was as if the softness of her voice had drained the anger from him. He sat down at the kitchen table, chin propped in his hands. ‘It just isn’t going well, Ter.’ His voice fell. ‘It hasn’t, ever since you left me.’

  His body seemed to slump. For an instant, from some buried instinct of their marriage, Terri wanted to comfort him. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I want things to be good for you. Really.’

  He looked up. ‘For Elena’s sake,’ he said flatly.

  ‘For Elena’s. For your sake. And for mine.’ She paused. ‘If your life is a shambles, nobody wins. I don’t want a lifetime of worrying about you or what you’ll do to keep afloat.’

  He gazed up at her and then looked away. ‘Sometimes, without you, I just feel lost.’ His voice fell. ‘Sometimes I feel like things will never be right again.’

  Even Richie could not tell, Terri thought with sadness, where his vulnerability became artifice. It was that knowledge that kept her from touching Richie’s shoulder. And then, at the instant when she stopped herself, Terri sensed all the unknown ways – planted deep in her subconscious – that she still was Richie’s wife.

  He looked up at her, eyes brimming. ‘We can still make it, Ter. I know we can. Then you can be with Elena.’

  Terri could find no words.

  Standing, Richie took her hands in his. ‘We’ll go to a counselor.’ He stopped, feeling the lifelessness of Terri’s hands, and then flashed an edgy smile. ‘Look, I know things have gotten a little out of hand with this custody deal, okay? But that was just a lawsuit, Ter – you do what you have to do. Nothing’s happened we can’t put behind us.’

  She stared at him. ‘I’m real, Richie. I have feelings of my own. Not just whatever you want me to feel.’

  He seemed to blink; there was a blankness in his eyes as he searched for the right emotion. Something in the moment frightened Terri more than violence would have. ‘I know, baby,’ he said softly. ‘I know this has been scary stuff. But it’s over now. For all of us.’

  Terri felt a knot in her stomach. She stood there, mute and rigid, until his arms enfolded her.

  ‘No,’ she murmured. ‘No.’

  He stood back from her, eyes widening in puzzlement.

  ‘I can never be with you, Richie. Ever again.’ She gripped his shoulders, as if to make him see. ‘It’s all wrong. It’s like we call out the worst in each other.’

  He stared at her. ‘But what about Elena, Terri? What about what she wants?’

  Terri walked away from him, leaned against the wall. ‘She wants what any child wants – two parents who love each other. But she can’t have that, ever.’ She turned to him. ‘The next best thing is two parents who love her more than themselves.’

  Smiling slightly, he put his hands on his hips, his eyes narrowed. ‘I get it, Ter – another attack on me. That way people won’t figure out that it’s Christopher Paget who stands between Elena and the family you won’t give her –’

  ‘Please, Richie, just let me
have her for a while. I’ll see you’re taken care of. Please. I’m frightened for her.’

  ‘Elena needs me.’ Richie gave her a look of bitter knowledge. ‘You think you can take everything away from me, don’t you. But you can never kill my daughter’s love.’

  He turned and walked from the kitchen.

  Terri stood there awhile. Then she heard him in the bedroom, talking to Elena.

  ‘It makes me sad too,’ he was saying quietly. ‘I’ll come back for you just as soon as I can.’

  As he drove away, Elena watched him from the window. She did not want dinner.

  That night, Terri found Elena sitting rigid in her bed, tears streaming down her face.

  Terri got in bed with her. ‘Was it a nightmare?’ she asked gently. But Elena would not speak.

  In the morning, Elena’s eyes were puffy with sleeplessness. When Terri asked about the dream, the child shook her head.

  Back off, Terri told herself, try to leave her alone. Do something. Take a shower. Think of Chris. Anything at all.

  It worked for a while. And then, applying eyeliner, Terri found Elena next to her.

  To her relief, the sight brought Terri close to laughter: dressed only in cotton underwear, Elena stretched to see herself in the mirror, her child’s belly sticking out a little, solemnly applying imagined mascara with a toothbrush in an absurd pantomime of her mother.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Terri asked.

  ‘I’m going to my office,’ Elena answered matter-of-factly. ‘I’m very busy. I have to be in court, you know.’

  The answer left Terri both amused and ambivalent: Terri’s memories of her own mother were of someone who was always there.

  ‘For court,’ Terri told Elena, ‘you’ll need a briefcase,’ and she went to the closet for an extra one.

  Taking it, Elena’s smile was impish. ‘Now I’m you,’ she said, knowing this was funny, and then started across the living room, a half-naked child with a briefcase that dragged on the carpet.

  Terri smiled after her. ‘Do you want to be me?’

  Elena turned to her, eyes still and serious. The laughter was gone.

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘So I can take care of Daddy by myself.’

  Terri shook her head. ‘I already told you, sweatheart. You don’t need to take care of grown-ups. Including your dad.’

  ‘I do.’ The child seemed angry now. ‘You don’t want to take care of him anymore. So I’m going to.’

  Speechless, Terri watched the little girl strain to stand straighter, holding the briefcase stiffly. The smudges beneath her eyes were like bruises.

  Chapter 10

  Alec Keene’s Venetian blinds cut the afternoon sunlight into ribbons on his gray tile floor. ‘Terri’s been pretty specific,’ he said to Richie. ‘Listlessness, insecurity, lack of sleep. And, lately, repeated nightmares.’

  Richie looked at him with folded arms. ‘I haven’t seen it, Alec.’ His voice was polite but cool. ‘I hate to say so, but these things seem to happen when Elena’s with Terri. If they happen at all.’

  His voice was a shade less deferential than previously, Terri noticed; it was as if Judge Scatena had placed him in control. Quietly, Keene asked, ‘Are you saying that Terri made all this up?’

  At once, Richie’s tone became apologetic. ‘Okay, maybe that last wasn’t fair. What Terri says surprises me, that’s all.’

  Keene appraised him. ‘Do you have any suggestions?’

  Richie gazed at the ceiling; the expression was that of a man reluctant to express his thoughts. ‘I do,’ he said slowly. ‘Terri’s a good mother, I know. But since her involvement with Christopher Paget, she has a hard time thinking about Elena.’ He turned to Terri. ‘And you are involved with him, Terri.’

  ‘Yes.’ Terri kept her voice steady.‘Now I am. But that has nothing to do with Elena.’

  ‘Oh, Terri,’ Richie said with a knowing smile. ‘Any expert can tell you that a new relationship can be upsetting to any child, let alone one that occurs so soon after a breakup.’ His voice softened. ‘Or, in this case, before.’

  ‘You’d better find something else, Richie. That one’s getting old . . .’

  ‘Look, Ter, I’ll learn to live with the fact you’ve changed lovers quicker that I can change a tire, all right? But it’s not so easy for Elena.’ He turned to Keene, voice softening. ‘I apologize, Alec. It still stings a little. But I’m trying to be objective. All that I’m asking is that Terri agree not to expose Elena to Christopher Paget.’

  Terri kept her eyes on Richie. ‘It’s not that frequent. Besides, Elena adores Carlo. It would be wrong to tell her that she can never see him.’

  ‘On some level, Terri, she’ll be relieved. And parents make hard decisions all the time.’ Richie’s tone became pleading. ‘I’d make this decision, if I could. Please, put Elena first.’

  Terri turned to Keene. ‘Anytime I talk about Elena, Richie brings up Chris. It’s meant to get you off track.’

  Keene looked glum. ‘Would it be so difficult, what Richie asks?’

  ‘Not difficult,’ Terri answered. ‘Pointless. Chris and Carlo aren’t giving Elena nightmares –’

  ‘No?’ Richie cut in. ‘Then you are.’

  Terri ignored him. ‘Our daughter needs professional help,’ she said to Keene. ‘Now.’

  ‘With whose money? Christopher Paget’s?’ Richie’s voice rose in amazement. ‘I propose a simple solution, and rather than even try it, you want to put Elena in the hands of yet another stranger.’

  Keene looked from one to the other. ‘We’re getting nowhere,’ he said. ‘There’s a final custody hearing in just a few more months, and the two of you can’t even agree on how you daughter is acting.’ He leaned forward. ‘What I’m going to recommend, as soon as possible, is a family evaluation.’

  Richie looked puzzled. ‘What’s that?’

  ‘It’s an assessment of both of the parents and the child, conducted by a child psychiatrist or psychologist paid for by the two of you. The evaluator will interview you, Terri, and Elena at length, as well as others who may be in contact with the child. The interviews will also involve intensive psychological testing for the adults and age-appropriate tests for Elena.’ Keene turned to Terri. ‘In addition to allowing the evaluator to make a recommendation on final custody, it may well help you assess the nature of Elena’s difficulties.’

  Richie stared at the floor, his expression troubled. ‘What I worry about,’ he said, ‘is the trauma to Elena. The separation has been hard on her.’

  ‘I thought,’ Terri said coolly, ‘that she was just fine with you. So how do you know it’s been hard?’

  ‘Because she talks to me.’ His tone became one of forced patience. ‘Frankly, about how upset she is with you, although I do my best to tell her how confused you are.’ His eyes flickered, and he turned back to Keene. ‘If this evaluation is done, will it include Chris Paget?’

  ‘It might. If Terri intended to live with Mr. Paget, it probably would.’

  ‘Good.’ Richie shot Terri a quick glance. ‘I want him tested.’

  Terri simply looked at him. Keene, too, said nothing; the silence in the room seemed to focus on Richie. He leaned back in his chair, expelling a deep breath. In a different, more subdued voice, he said, ‘Gotten a little tense here, hasn’t it.’ He flashed a self-deprecating smile. ‘Look, if there’s any way to work this out, I want to. Just let me calm down for a moment and think.’

  It was, Terri knew, Richie at his most deceptive. He sat in his chair, eyes hooded, and then nodded to himself.

  ‘Here’s what I propose.’ He looked up at Keene. ‘I don’t see these problems Terri’s reporting, and I sure don’t see that there’s a problem with the current custody arrangement. In fact, I’ve told you what I think the only problem is – Terri’s relationship. But I don’t want to get sidetracked here. Whatever else, I know Elena misses her mom.’ Richie turned to Terri. ‘Tell you what, Ter. I’ll give you Lainie every weekend, an
d we’ll see how that works. If she’s okay, maybe we could make it permanent.’ His voice grew pointed. ‘And if there has to be an evaluation, at least we’ll know how Elena does with much more time with you.’

  Terri shook her head. ‘I want an evaluation now –’

  ‘And in three months, if you still want one, we’ll have one. With all of us and Christopher Paget.’ Richie spread his hands. ‘I’m offering you more time, without even requiring you to keep Elena away from Paget. Although I think you should.’

  ‘You’re stalling, Richie.’

  ‘Stalling? I’m giving you something. A lot more than I need to.’

  Feeling Keene’s gaze, Terri saw that Richie had boxed her in: if she contested custody after turning down more time, and Scatena ever learned of it, she would have no chance at all. Meanwhile, Richie’s preponderant custody would be that much more the status quo, and his checks from Terri would continue. He would even have the free weekends he had always wanted.

  But she would have more time with Elena.

  Terri exhaled. ‘All right,’ she said slowly. ‘We’ll try it. Just for a few weeks.’

  Keene gave a hopeful smile, then shook hands with both of them. Richie walked with Terri through Keene’s door and the crowded waiting room, chatting pleasantly until they reached the hallway and the two of them were alone.

  He took her elbow, speaking quietly, a man giving firm but friendly advice. ‘I told you to stay away from Paget. But you wouldn’t listen. So now this is the best you’ll ever get from me. And it’s far better than you’d get from my “friend” Scatena, as you’ve called him.’ His voice grew softer still. ‘You’ll never beat me, Terri. So don’t fuck with me again. Ever.’

  Turning on his heel, Richie left.

  As Terri watched him go, she tried to be grateful for her weekends with Elena, resolving to spend all her time this weekend with Elena alone.

  And except for Chris’s debut in politics, she would have.

  His speech was scheduled for Saturday. Terri had not expected to have Elena then: Rosa was in Los Angeles, visiting Terri’s twin sisters both on scholarship at UCLA. So Chris, who wanted Terri to come, offered to pay Carlo to watch Elena.