For the Love of Logan

by Chase Connor

  “Keep your fucking hands off of him!” He growled in my face.

  “What the hell are you doing?!?”

  That was Cooper, just as confused as I was.

  I winced at the pain of having a locker handle dig into my lower back and my shoulders slammed into metal, then glared at Alex.

  “What the fuck is your problem?” I growled at Alex, whose forearm was across my chest, holding me against the locker.

  “You fucking piece of shit.” Alex leaned in, an ugly snarl on his face.

  “Alex, let him go!” Cooper was standing next to us, distraught. “What the actual fuck are you doing?!?”

  “I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you.” Alex snarled again.

  I glared back at him, prepared to actually fight my best friend’s boyfriend. Was he mad because Cooper hugged me? Was he just being a douche because Cooper had told me his college plans before he had told Alex? No matter the reason, Alex’s anger was misplaced and not my fault. I would throw a fist if I had to—several if required. I didn’t care if he was Cooper’s boyfriend, I hadn’t done anything to deserve this type of violence.

  However, fist fighting was not in the cards. Out of nowhere, Mr. Weissman popped up, grabbed Alex by the collar and pulled him away from me. Then he was dragging him into his classroom and shoving him inside like a rag doll. Cooper and I both looked over at his father, who was now glaring at both of us after tossing Alex inside of his room.

  “Get your asses in here.” Mr. Weissman growled. “Right now.”

  Cooper and I glanced nervously at each other but quickly obeyed the command his father had issued. Mr. Weissman glared angrily at both of us as we shuffled into his room, averting our eyes from his. We both looked guilty, though we had no reason to feel guilty. Alex was the one who had acted like a complete lunatic. However, Mr. Weissman had that effect on students. When he had had enough of someone’s shit, he easily could be the most intimidating man you’d ever met.

  Alex was standing by the dais, looking embarrassed at having Mr. Weissman toss him around like he was nothing more than a rag doll, but he was still shooting daggers at me. Cooper just looked worried about what his father was going to say and confused about what the actual fuck was going on. Neither of us had ever seen Alex act this way—and neither of us had done anything to make Alex act this way. Cooper looked at Alex, then at me, then let his backpack slide off of his shoulders to the floor.

  Mr. Weissman gently shut his classroom door, turned the latch, then walked over to the three of us. His steps were controlled and measured, and he had forced himself to affect a neutral expression, but I could feel the heat radiating off of him. If one of us said the wrong thing, I was pretty sure we’d be in detention for the rest of the school year. And that was a “best case scenario” type situation. I kind of doubted that it could happen, but I wouldn’t have been shocked if Mr. Weissman kicked all three of our asses.

  “All right you fucking morons.” He grumbled at us, levelling each of us with his eyes in turn. “What the hell is going on?”

  Cooper just looked at his father with wide eyes as he shrugged. Mr. Weissman gave him a look like he didn’t believe he was innocent for a single second. Alex was still glaring angrily at me, but keeping Mr. Weissman in his peripheral vision. I just glared back at Alex.

  “One of you little assholes better tell me what’s going on right now.” Mr. Weissman hissed lowly at us. “All three of you know better than to fight. This is a zero-tolerance campus—you could get expelled. Not to mention the fact that you’re just fucking stupid if you think that violence solves anything. So. What’s going on? Cooper?”

  “I have no idea what’s going on, dad.” Cooper shook his head.

  Mr. Weissman squinted at him.

  “I swear.” Cooper held his hands up defensively.

  Mr. Weissman turned to me.

  “What’s going on, Marshall?”

  “I have no idea, sir.” I shook my head as well. “Well, Alex was pissed at me last night because Cooper told me about changing college majors first, and…”

  “Alex.” Cooper sighed and turned to his boyfriend.

  Mr. Weissman turned to Alex. Alex was still glaring at me.

  “Alex?” Mr. Weissman cocked an eyebrow at him.

  “You’re such a fucking liar.” Alex snarled at me.

  “Alex!” Cooper gasped.

  “Watch your fucking mouth, Alex.” Mr. Weissman growled at him.

  Alex shrunk back slightly, but he didn’t stop glaring at me.

  “How am I a liar?” I snapped at him. “You got all loony-toony in their driveway when I told you that Cooper wanted to be a neurologist because he had told me before he told you. You’re fucking crazy.”

  Mr. Weissman snapped at me to watch my language.

  Cooper kept his eyes on Alex, looking sad.

  “You’re a liar because you know exactly what’s going on and you’re acting like you don’t.” Alex lunged towards me, only to be shoved away by Mr. Weissman.

  The old man could move. And he was strong. I made a mental note to never get on his bad side. Cooper looked at his father, completely lost and confused, his eyes pleading with his dad to somehow fix this.

  “What is it you think Marshall’s lying about, Alex?” Mr. Weissman sighed.

  “He knows that that’s not why I shoved his dumbass into the lockers.” Alex huffed. “The asshole is in love with Cooper!”

  “What?!?” Cooper and Mr. Weissman spoke up in unison.

  “Alex.” Cooper shook his head. “We were just hugging in the hall because Logan told me he had decided on college and I was happy for him. You’re overreacting.”

  “Really, Alex?” Mr. Weissman rolled his eyes.

  “Oh, fuck this.” Alex laughed angrily.

  He pulled his backpack off and unzipped violently. Cooper, Mr. Weissman, and I all exchanged confused looks as Alex dug into his backpack furiously. Alex pulled a notebook out of his bag and actually threw it at me, hitting me in the chest. Mr. Weissman snapped angrily at him again, telling him that he was on thin ice. Cooper was even more confused. Horrified, I fumbled to catch the notebook, immediately filled with understanding. It was the notebook I had written my letter in and then lost. Suddenly, I realized what had happened.

  When I had left Cooper’s house in a huff, upset that he had decided to not be a teacher, I had packed my bag up haphazardly and left my notebook behind. The notebook I had written my letter to Cooper in. It wasn’t a real love letter. It was just a letter like I’d written a million times at my mother’s urging, a way to get feelings out so that they didn’t occupy my mind. A way to get my feelings out so that I could start to process them. No one was supposed to see the letter. It dawned on me why Alex had been an asshole all day.

  “Shit.” I mumbled.

  “Yeah, asshole.” Alex scoffed. “You’re a fucking liar.”

  “I’m not going to warn you again, Alex.” Mr. Weissman said, but there was no power behind it.

  Everyone was focused on the notebook I was holding and staring at. Except Alex. Obviously, he was still glaring at me. Alex shot a quick look at Mr. Weissman, then turned his attention back to me.

  “You’re a liar, Logan.” He stared fiercely at me. “You’re in love with Cooper and you don’t even have the bal…courage…to admit it. You’re actually going to stand here and lie through your teeth and say I’m mad because Cooper told you about stupid college before he told me?”

  “Look, I’m—I’m sorry.” I sputtered, finally looking up from the notebook. “No one was supposed to see this. It’s just—”

  “Obviously, you fucking jerk!” Alex spat.

  Mr. Weissman shot him a look, but didn’t correct him. I was fucked.

  “Logan?” Cooper looked at me, confused, his voice sounding so small and worried.

  Mr. Weissman was chewing at his lip, watching me. I looked at Cooper and then Mr. Weissman, willing my eyes not to water up. I was so embarrassed and humiliated a
nd betrayed and…everything. Alex threw his hands up finally and pulled his backpack on again angrily. Mr. Weissman didn’t tell him to stay put or anything. He and Cooper were both looking at each other. Alex stormed towards the door.

  “You’re a piece of shit.” Alex hissed at me.

  Then he was gone.

  “I’m so sorry.” Cooper said.

  Not to me. To his dad.

  “Go.” Mr. Weissman flicked his head towards the door.

  Cooper didn’t even look at me as he grabbed his bag and dashed after his boyfriend. I held the notebook and stood there, my vision blurry. Mr. Weissman sighed after the door closed behind Cooper. I didn’t know what to say—or even if there was anything to say. Mr. Weissman went over and sat down on the dais and stared over at me, completely at a loss. I knew how he felt—except, besides being at a loss, I wanted to cry. So…I did.

  Mr. Weissman patted the dais beside him. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I felt supremely embarrassed but I shuffled over and plopped down beside Mr. Weissman, letting my backpack fall off of my shoulders. It landed on the dais with a resounding “thump”. Mr. Weissman sighed tiredly beside me and patted my knee. I sat there and hung my head, tears falling silently from my eyes and onto my lap. How could I have been so stupid to lose track of the notebook that had my letter to Cooper in it? I was lucky that only Alex had seen it instead of some other guy at school.

  It was comforting and scary at the same time to think that this had been the best-case scenario for how this played out.

  “Like a damned soap opera.” Mr. Weissman chuckled lowly. “You boys are trying to give me a stroke.”

  “I’m sorry.” I replied wetly, reaching up to wipe my nose with the back of my hand.

  Mr. Weissman turned his head to look at me for a moment, considering this crying mess beside him.

  “Do you want to fill in the details here?”

  “Not really.” I sniffled. “But…my mom told me to write a letter. To help me deal with my feelings. About—about Cooper. She’s always telling me to write letters to help me deal with my feelings. No one ever sees the letters and I never intended anyone to see that letter—especially Cooper or Alex. Obviously. I just—it’s not a love letter to Cooper, sir. I swear. It was just me trying to deal with the feelings leftover from dating Cooper. From having any guy interested in me. That’s all. I wasn’t trying to steal Cooper from Alex—I never would have done that. And I was never going to give that letter to Cooper—that’s not what it was for. Please—please believe me.”

  Mr. Weissman put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed.

  “I believe you, Marshall.” He said.

  That made me cry a little harder.

  “My son’s a pretty special guy, isn’t he?”

  “Yessir.” I nodded, looking down at my lap.

  “If he were straight and this were a coed school…” Mr. Weissman rolled his eyes. “I’d have a lot of fucking trouble with that one.”

  “Maybe with the girls.” I laughed wetly. “But not Cooper.”

  “Fair enough.” Mr. Weissman chuckled.

  “I’m so fucking embarrassed.” I sobbed.

  “Hey.” Mr. Weissman turned to me, kicking his knee up on the dais between us. “Logan…”

  He never used my first name. This was serious.

  “This is fucking humiliating, Mr. Weissman.” The tears were rolling down my cheeks.

  “Well…yes.” Mr. Weissman nodded. “I suppose it is, son. If any of us had our innermost thoughts read by another person, we’d probably sink into the Earth out of embarrassment. That’s universal. We all have thoughts that we don’t want anyone else to know about. We tend to forget that when things like this happen.”

  I looked up at him briefly, then back down at my lap.

  “Alex was in love with Cooper beginning freshman year, son.” Mr. Weissman squeezed my shoulder. “Can you imagine how he would have felt if he had written that down and Cooper found it? Especially before he was certain that Cooper was gay?”

  I sniffled.

  “And Cooper is the fucking bee’s knees to Alex.” Mr. Weissman said. “He thinks the sun shines out of my son’s ass. He’s not the smartest kid, ya’ know.”

  I laughed wetly.

  “But he’s not thinking about all of that.” He sighed. “He’s just worried that some other guy cares about Cooper—a handsome, kind guy—and he’s worried that Cooper might realize there are other options out there.”

  “Cooper loves Alex so much, sir.” I defended Cooper.

  “Of course, he does, you moron.” Mr. Weissman chuckled and popped me in the back of the head with his hand gently. “That’s not what I’m saying. Alex overreacted. Cooper’s not the kind of guy to do anything deceitful to the guy he loves. Or anyone, really. Alex didn’t think about that. He was only thinking of his own insecurities about whether or not he’s good enough for Cooper. He reacted instead of thinking.”

  “Will Cooper forgive me?” I sobbed the words.

  “You know, you’re a smart kid,” Mr. Weissman chuckled and rubbed my back gently as I cried, “but you’re also a dumbass. Cooper’s not mad at you. Maybe he’s embarrassed, too, but he’s not mad. You’re his best friend, Logan. It’s Alex you have to worry about.”

  “Cooper won’t be able to be my friend now. Alex will go ballistic if Cooper tries to so much as talk to me.” I was crying even harder. “I’ve fucked everything up, sir.”

  Mr. Weissman pulled me into him and hugged me.

  “Cooper’s still your friend, son.” He said gently. “Don’t worry about Cooper or Alex. I’ll take care of that. You just worry about you, Logan.”

  I wrapped my arms around Mr. Weissman, which made him tense a little, but he hugged me as we sat there on the dais and I sobbed my eyes out. What had I fucking done? I was a complete loser and had humiliated and embarrassed myself and caused my best friend in the whole world a shit ton of trouble. His boyfriend thought I was out to steal him away, he was probably embarrassed beyond belief, and his father probably thought I was a psycho.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Weissman.” I sniffled. “I really really didn’t mean for this to happen. I wasn’t trying to cause trouble. I just didn’t know how to deal with everything going on in my life.”

  “Logan, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Mr. Weissman said as he pulled back from me but kept his hands on my shoulders. “This is just one of those things. In a few days or weeks, it’ll just be one of those embarrassing blips we all experience. You and Cooper will be thick as thieves again—Alex will probably still be jealous—but it’ll all be okay. And, eventually, Alex will find a way to be more secure and not be such a dumbass. Okay?”

  “Promise?” I wiped my nose with the back of my hand again.

  “I’d put money on it, son.” He patted the side of my face with his hand. “But we need to break this up before someone comes in here and thinks we’re being inappropriate.”

  I laughed wetly.

  “Are you going to be okay?” He asked gently. “Do you want me to call your mom or dad?”

  “Definitely not my dad.” I chewed at my lip. “And my mom’s busy with my…she’s got other things to worry about, sir.”

  “I’m going to grade some papers before I go home.” Mr. Weissman said. “Do you want to hang out and do your homework in here before you go home?”

  Mr. Weissman was being so kind—it made me want to cry more. I mean, I had just caused problems for his son. His fucking amazing son. And he was treating me like I was the victim.

  “I just want to go home, sir.” I sniffled again, my eyes finally drying up. “I’m just…I’m still so embarrassed.”

  “Okay.” He said. “Look—”

  Mr. Weissman stood and went over to his desk. He opened one of the top drawers and grabbed a small square of paper.

  “Here.” He sat down next to me on the dais again. “Even though you’re my son’s friend, I’ve never given you this because—well, it’s not
super appropriate. But you take that. I know you wouldn’t feel comfortable calling the home phone since Cooper might answer.”

  The square of paper was Mr. Weissman’s business card.

  “You call me if you need someone to talk to, son.” He said. “Okay?”

  “Okay. Thank you, sir.”

  Mr. Weissman walked me to the door and gave me a smile and my shoulder a final squeeze before I left his room, closing the door behind me. I glanced up and down the hallway nervously, making sure that Cooper and Alex were nowhere nearby. Obviously, they had moved their conversation to a more discreet and private location. I grabbed onto my backpack straps and shuffled down the hall, my head down, staring at the floor as I made my way out of Rouston Hall. I had never, in my entire life, been so humiliated. I had never felt like such a horrible friend—a complete and utter douchebag. If Cooper never talked to me again, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised. How could a friend do such a thing to another friend? Even if Cooper did want to talk to me again, it was highly doubtful that Alex would be okay with that.

  Outside in the courtyard, all of the university and college representatives were packing up the tables and supplies from their presentations. The last few Dextrus students that had lingered to talk to them were wandering off towards the parking lot. I sighed, a shiver running down my body as I swallowed back another sob. I hated this fucking school. The only thing that had made it tolerable was my friendship with Cooper. And that was probably over. I had no one left. Just like a million times before, I had lost a friend who had meant the world to me.

  Shuffling along the walkway in the courtyard, I made my way to the edge of the parking lot. One glance let me know that Alex’s and Cooper’s cars were both gone. They were probably at one of their houses shouting or fighting—or making up in ways I didn’t want to think about. Why was I such a total idiot? A piece of shit? Who caused problems like this for their very best friend? Who spends time trying to figure out if they’re really in love with their best friend—especially when their best friend is in a happy relationship? I sunk down and sat on the curb at the edge of the parking lot and put my face in my hands. I was a fucking basket case.