by Sam Crescent
She expelled another breath. “What if he moves on, Whizz? I love him. I don’t want to lose him.”
“If he loves you, and you love him, you will find each other again. This is not going to be easy for you. It’s going to fucking suck. There’s no lying there. But you have to do what you need to do. No one else.”
She licked her dry lips, and cursed the tears that once again started to fall. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.”
He chuckled. “Cry. It’s a way of dealing, and you need to deal, honey. Are you coming back to my place? Lacey’s … actually, I really hope that Lacey is not cooking anything.”
Lola burst out laughing. They all knew that Lacey was one of the worst cooks in the world.
“No, I’ve been away too long. I’m going to head back home before it’s too late.”
“Call me when you get home, Lola.”
Chapter Two
Sinner glanced around the room of their apartment, and made sure everything was in place. He had been obsessing a little too much just lately. Lola didn’t like mess, and he wasn’t a big fan of it either. She had already called ahead to tell him she would be home, and not to worry. He was worried. He was fucking freaking out, and it was scaring the shit out of him.
No woman meant more to him than Lola. She had entered his world, turned it upside down, and now he couldn’t for a second imagine life without her. Running a hand down his face, he went to the fridge and pulled out a beer. He’d not had a drink since the one that morning, and he wasn’t an alcoholic. Just stressed.
Staring at the beer, he put it back in the fridge and settled on a coffee instead. He didn’t have a problem, and right now, he wanted a clear head. When Lola came home, he wanted to clear the air, and make sure they were both on the same page when it came to their futures.
He had finished making his coffee when there was a knock on the door. It wasn’t Lola. He could tell by the sound of the knock. Opening the door, he found Pussy on the other side.
“Hello, buddy. Long time, no see.”
“Why are you here?” Sinner asked.
“Well, I’ve got a favor to ask. Do you want me to ask it here, or would you like me to invite me in? You know, what normal people do.”
Sinner rolled his eyes, but opened his door a little wider.
“Good man,” Pussy said, slapping his chest.
“What great favor do you need?” he asked.
“I’m taking Sasha out tomorrow night, and I was wondering how you felt to babysitting Shay?” Pussy asked, taking a seat. Sasha had once been blinded by her stepfather pushing her down a flight of stairs. The blow to the head had caused her blindness. The doctors had been convinced that she would see again, but it had never happened, until another blow had somehow brought her sight back. In the meantime, the dog that had been helping Sasha had been given back to help another person with sight difficulties. At the time, Sasha had been inconsolable, to the point that Pussy had demanded and paid a great deal to get the dog back. Ashley was now a retired guide dog.
“You want me to babysit your daughter.”
“Of course. It would just be for the one night. You and Lola, together, what do you say?”
“What do I get out of it?” Sinner asked.
Pussy sighed. “You get the pleasure of babysitting my girl, and hopefully making your woman broody enough that you stop spilling all your problems at the clubhouse.”
Sinner paused. “You knew about that?”
“Simon was telling everyone who would listen that you were having, air quote, ‘girl troubles’.” Pussy did the air quotes. “What’s the deal?”
“You’ve only come to ask me so you could gossip behind my back.”
“Yes and no. I want to take Sasha out, and I also need a babysitter. Devil told me I’ve used Lexie and Judi for the last time. Curse and Mia are having a family date. Death and Brianna told me no. Snake hissed at me. Dick told me to fuck off. Spider, well, he’s got a plateful himself. With you and your girl troubles,” he air quoted again, “I figured you’d be wanting all the help that you can get.”
“I don’t like you.”
Pussy laughed. “You don’t have to like me. I can live without being liked, baby. I just want you to watch Shay. Also, I think the only reason that everyone else has said no, and pretty much pointed me in your direction, the club feels you need this.”
“The club needs me to look after your girl?”
“Yes. You’ll be doing it for the club, and for Sasha.”
“I do not want to know why Sasha needs it.”
“You know why I got my nickname,” Pussy said, to which Sinner groaned. “I’ll give you a hint. It involves that.”
“You’re disgusting,” Sinner said.
“You asked.”
“What will it take to get rid of you?”
“Agree to look after Shay.”
“Fine, fine. I’ll do it. Just get out of my house before I throw up everywhere.”
“Excellent.” Pussy jumped up. “Just so you know, Lola has been waiting in her car for at least ten minutes that I knew of.”
“What?”
“She was waiting in her car in the parking lot. Looked a little … strange.”
“You didn’t think to tell me this when you first arrived.”
“Nope. I wanted you to look after my kid. Trouble in paradise.”
“Go away, Pussy.”
Pussy left his apartment, and Sinner moved toward the window, pulling back the curtain and seeing Lola’s car parked where she normally left it. All the way up here, he couldn’t see if she was still in the car. He watched as Pussy left the building, and didn’t give any sign that Lola was still in the car. No wave, no acknowledgement.
Sinner turned about to head toward the car, when he saw Lola entering. She was dressed to impress in a pencil skirt, white blouse, with her black hair pinned back. She had once had brown hair, long lengths of it, but she had cut it off, and now had it dyed regularly.
“Hey,” she said. “What did Pussy want?”
“We’re babysitting tomorrow.”
“Oh.”
“He asked, and I wanted him gone. The only way to do that was to convince him that I would—”
“I get it. I do.” She closed the door and flicked the lock. He watched as she removed her jacket and then the pins from her hair.
“Where were you today?” he asked, hating how he was feeling. He didn’t want to be ordering her around, or forcing out answers. Why couldn’t she just talk to him?
“I went to Fort Wills.”
“Are we really going to do this, Lola?” he asked.
He watched as she paused, and nodded. “You know about the job interview.”
“You had a reminder on your desk. You really didn’t think I’d see.”
“Yes, I had a job interview.”
“It takes you away from Piston County.”
“Yes.”
“Away from us.”
“What do you want me to say, Sinner? I don’t … I don’t know what to say to make this any better right now. There was a job interview. I went for it, and they even offered me the job.”
“Did you take it?”
“I asked for time to think about it.”
“So, you need to think about it?” he asked.
“Yeah, I did. I do.”
He stared at her, and his heart was breaking. There was so much to say, and yet, he didn’t have the first clue on what to do.
“Why don’t we just cut the crap?” he asked. “You want to leave, don’t you?”
He saw the tears in her eyes, and knew without a doubt that it was hurting her, just not as much as it was killing him. Sinner had known his feelings for her for a long time. He knew deep down in his heart that even as Lola wanted to love him, it was next to impossible to do so. They had to do this. Lola had to do this, even if it was killing him inside.
“I don’t know what I want.”
“You don’t need to
lie.”
“I’m not lying, Sinner. Really, I’m not. I love what we have here. I love you, and I can’t imagine being anywhere else. That is how much I love you.”
“But?”
“It’s not enough. Something is missing, and I don’t want it to be like this.”
“If you need to talk to someone, I can arrange it.”
“No! I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to be coddled. I just … I want you to understand me.”
“I can’t understand you if you don’t talk to me.”
“I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t wake up and pretend that something isn’t wrong. Let’s face it, Sinner, every time you look at me, you see that broken little girl.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Look around you!” She stomped her foot. “You make sure everything is spick and span. You won’t allow me to clean up. There was a dog cage in the back of a truck, and you made me look elsewhere. You’re coddling me, and you’re not giving me the chance to grow.”
“And you think this is the way to do that? To go out, and do this kind of shit?” He pointed at her clothes.
Silence fell between them.
Tears spilled down her cheeks, and he hated that he had been the cause.
“I didn’t want this. I really didn’t, but I can’t keep living like this,” she said. “I love you, but I have to go.”
Sinner fisted his hands and gritted his teeth. He was breaking apart inside. “I want to help you, Lola. I love you.”
“I know, but you can’t help me. No one can help me, and it’s only me. I’ve got to do this.” She nibbled her lip. “There’s not going to be anyone else. I love you.”
“Are you asking me to wait for you?” Sinner asked. The thought of touching another woman repulsed him. His soul, his very essence belonged to her.
She sniffled. “I was hoping, but I can understand that it is just too much to ask for. I’m sorry.” She stepped around him, and he closed his eyes.
There wasn’t going to be any other woman. “You don’t have to leave. I can go.” He grabbed his jacket, and headed toward the door.
“I do love you, Sinner.”
He stopped with his hand on the door. In all of his life, he had never once been so fucking broken. He couldn’t help her.
“Just not enough.”
Closing the apartment door didn’t make him feel better. Nothing could ever make him feel better.
****
Packing up a suitcase didn’t take long. Lola hadn’t accumulated all that much in the past couple of years. It was pitiful what she did own, and there was no need for her to pack anything else. She made sure to take some pictures with her as well.
This was not what she wanted. She didn’t want to lose Sinner, nor did she want to fight with him. She didn’t know completely what she wanted, but it certainly wasn’t this, and it was killing her.
He had looked so upset, so angry with her, and she hated it.
Wiping away the tears, in the back of her mind he could almost hear Andrew laughing at her. He’d been dead for a long time, and he was still mocking her, even from his grave.
Packing her car, she got behind the wheel, and drove all the way to Devil and Lexie’s house. She knocked on the door, holding her laptop.
Devil answered wearing a pair of jeans and nothing else. “Lola, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Can I speak with Lexie?”
“Yeah, sure, come in.”
The moment she stepped through the door, she heard the screams and shouts of kids having fun. “It’s movie night.”
“I’m really sorry to barge in like this.”
“It’s fine.” Devil walked into the kitchen, and that was where she found Lexie, who was dressed in shorts and a crop top. On her hip was Laurell.
“Hey, Lola.” The moment Lexie looked at her, she handed off the baby and pulled her in for a hug. “What’s going on?”
Devil must have left because he was no longer in the kitchen, and the kids had also gone quiet.
“He’s taken them outside.”
“I’m heading out for a while. There has been a job opportunity pop up, and I can’t turn it down. I wanted to, but this needs to happen.”
“What about Sinner?” Lexie asked.
She sighed. “It’s over. We’re over.” Her lips wobbled. She felt another sob close to the surface, but she didn’t cry. Instead, she took a deep breath, smiled, and handed Lexie the laptop.
“What’s this?”
“This is everything, Lexie. Everything to do with Old Ladies MC. The website, and I’ve even left you a section on how to keep it updated. I’ve got to go.”
Lexie took the laptop even as she shook her head. “You don’t have to leave.”
“I really do.”
“What are you doing to do?” Lexie asked.
“I don’t know. I just know that I can’t do this anymore.”
“You love Sinner?”
“More than anything. Something is missing, and I can’t keep pretending that everything is fine.” She shrugged. “I’ve got to head out, and I need to find myself.”
“It’s over?”
“Yeah, it has to be. I’ve got to go. I don’t expect him to wait for me. I’d like him to. Believe me, I would really like him to, but I doubt it.” She chuckled and wiped her eyes. “I’ve loved being here. I’ve loved being with all of you. You’re my family, but I understand if you would like me to not return, and to keep my distance.”
Lexie took hold of her hands. “Don’t. You are welcome here. I get it, I do. I expect a phone call every single week. You hear? I want to make sure that you’re fine. If you need money, call, and we will sort it out.”
Once again, tears filled her eyes. “You’re too good for me.”
“You’re family, Lola. Never forget that.”
Lola said her good-byes and left. She had two more stops to make. The first was to Natalie Pritchard. Lola had become friends with the rancher’s daughter over the past few years. They had worked together on photography, getting the clothing store up and running. She had been the shoulder that Natalie had cried on, even when Slash was around. Lola was sure that Slash had a bit of a crush on Natalie, but she didn’t say anything. She had never been able to read men, not even Sinner.
Driving down the long path, she felt her heart, little by little, breaking. These were her friends, and she loved them so much. Parking the car, she saw that Natalie was sitting on the porch steps with a drink in hand. Slash was also there, and he was doing some kind of dance that was making Natalie laugh.
The moment she pulled up, Natalie stood. Climbing out of her car, Lola forced a smile.
“Lola, what’s up?” Natalie asked.
“Can we talk?”
“Sure, sure.”
“That’s my cue to leave.” Slash didn’t move toward his motorbike. No, he went inside Natalie’s home.
“Is that new?” Lola asked.
“No, not really. Since my dad passed away, Slash has been sticking around lately. He doesn’t like me being alone. Why are you here?” she asked.
“I’m heading out for a while.”
Natalie stared at her. “Why do I feel this is going to mean something more?”
Lola took another deep breath, and explained in detail what had happened, and what she needed to do. Even as she was dealing with this decision, she hated it because it was hurting Sinner, but she had to do it.
“Wow, you’re really going to go and do this?” Natalie asked.
“I don’t have a choice. I need to do this.” She thought about what Whizz said, and even as it was hurting her, she knew she was doing the right thing.
Natalie threw herself at Lola. “I’m going to miss you.”
“You can call me. I’m not being blacklisted. That’s what Lexie said. You have my cell phone.”
“It’s not going to be the same though, is it? You’re going to be gone.”
“I know, and I�
�m sorry. Really, I am. I don’t want to cause anyone any kind of pain, but it doesn’t matter because whatever I do will cause it.” She hugged Natalie close. “I love you, sweetie. Keep doing what you do, and you’re going to rock everything.”
“It’s not going to be the same without you.”
She held onto Natalie tightly, and forced herself to get back into her car, and to start the journey toward Paris.
Lola wasn’t surprised to see Paris waiting for her. “You’re leaving.”
“I’m leaving.” She ran fingers through her hair. “Who told you?”
“Lexie. She thought it would be good for me to know in advance. Spider is looking after Aria.”
Aria was Paris’s little girl.
“I’m sorry.”
Paris sighed. “I thought there was something wrong. I figured you would come and talk to me.” She walked down the steps toward her. With each step, Lola was sure she heard her future being rewritten, as if that could make any sense to her. She could stay or go. “It’s him, isn’t it? Andrew. You’ve got to do something about it.”
“I need to find my way.”
“And your way is not here with people who love you.”
“I love you all so much. You know that, and I would do anything for all of you. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I really don’t.”
“It has been years,” Paris said.
“I’m not like you, Paris. I talked to the doctors, I said the right things, and I do everything that makes it look like I’m fine. For a long time, I thought I could convince myself that I’m happy, that I’m better.”
“You weren’t?”
Lola shook her head. “I’ve never been right, Paris. I’m not as strong as you.”
“Don’t do that. You’re a strong woman. Like you said, everyone handles themselves differently.” Paris hugged her like she had many times before. “Just know that I’m going to worry about you.”
“Lexie has already told me that I’ve got to keep in touch.”
“You should. None of us would expect anything else. You’ve got to keep in touch, and tell us what you’re doing, and how you’re getting on. We all love you, Lola. We all will miss you.”