A Different Way of Seeing

by Lois RH Balzer

  "I tried to tell you about her a few times."

  Ellison put the mug in his hands, sitting down at the table across from him. "I remember now. At the time, though..." He shook his head, looking down at the table surface. "I just wasn't thinking, Chief. I wish I could explain how I was feeling. My senses were all over the map, all fluctuating. But there were these emotions...powerful...compelling... I was just so positive she would take you away from me."

  "Why?"

  Jim shrugged. "Everything else seemed to be. I really didn't want you to go, but I knew I was driving you away."

  "Maybe you were just afraid I was going to leave, so you lashed out first."

  "Maybe -- You know what my first unclouded moment was? The first time in weeks I was probably untouched by her presence? It was at the university, that morning we found you. I knew she was nowhere around, but I couldn't sense you. I couldn't see you or hear you. My senses expanded as I was running up the front stairs to your building, and suddenly I could smell you behind me. I've heard you before -- listened for you -- for your heartbeat or your voice. I've been able to see you from a distance. But this was the first time I zeroed in on your scent in quite this way."

  "You could smell me? When was that?"

  "When you were lying face down in the fountain pool. If I hadn't smelled your presence, we would have gone inside the building and you probably wouldn't have made it. It was about five-thirty in the morning. No one was around yet. No one else would have seen you."

  Blair started shaking, the tea spilling over his hands. Jim took the mug from him and put it aside, then moved his chair closer, wrapping his arms around his partner. "I couldn't have survived that, Chief. If you had died."

  Blair buried his face in Jim's shoulder, too tired to try to control his shaking limbs. Several minutes went by, then Jim released him and handed him the mug. "Drink this."

  Blair did, sipping at the calming tea, wiping his eyes on the arm of his sweater. "Let's go back to your desk, Jim. You've got work to do."

  Jim took the mug from him and, with a hand to his elbow, steered him back to the desk, settled him in a chair, and put the tea mug in his hands. "Do whatever you want. We'll stay for another hour and then go home."

  "Okay." Blair sat for a while, just sipping his tea and looking around the bullpen, watching the relatively clear images of Rafe and Brown talking across from him. Megan was in discussing a case with Simon. The Cascade image was stronger, the jungle the reflection. As he relaxed, he noticed the file folder on the desk and opened it, reading quietly to himself while Jim wrestled with information on the computer. "Want some help with that?" Blair asked, finally.

  Jim smiled and made room for him at the computer. Blair slipped into the seat and keyed up the search screen, then started looking for the prison records Jim had been after. His sight remained constant, almost completely "Cascade" and when he got to the correct webpage, he vacated the chair, switching places with Jim again and going back to reading the file.

  "How's it going?" Jim asked, after half an hour. He had closed down the internet link and was working on completing some reports.

  "Not bad. I seem to be able to read okay."

  "Good. I've got to take this over to Forensics and get a signature and a copy of their report. Do you want to come, or stay here?"

  Blair thought about it. "I'm okay here, right? Maybe I'll just stay and keep track of what happens sight-wise when you go."

  "I'll be gone about five or ten minutes. I'll tell Simon to keep an eye on you."

  "That won't be nec-- Oh. Okay," he said, correcting himself.

  "Another flicker?"

  "Nope. Figured this one on my own."

  Jim smiled, mussing his hair, then went to Simon's office and poked his head in, talking briefly to him before waving and going out the far door and disappearing into the jungle.

  Okay, we're back to jungle. That didn't take long.

  He put down the file and closed his eyes, letting the familiar sounds calm him. He was okay. He was safe. The voices were all wrong now, but that was okay. He knew who they were. His friends. Co-workers. He would keep his eyes closed, maybe put his head down on the desk here and they would think he was asleep and not ask him anything. He was safe. He was okay.

  He woke to Jim's gentle nudging. "Come on, Chief. Let's go home."

  "What?" Blair lifted his head and peered around the busy office of Major Crimes. Rhonda smiled at him and went back to her typing. Rafe stopped talking to Henri and they both smiled at him indulgently, like he was the demented but loveable mascot of the office. Blair stuck out his tongue at them, and they laughed and returned the gesture, then turned their attention back to whatever they had been discussing.

  "Let's go," Jim repeated, reaching for their jackets, but Blair waved him off, sitting up and stretching.

  "No, I'm okay."

  "You were sound asleep."

  "So I had a little power nap and I feel fine. I'd like to stay."

  Jim hesitated, then hung the jackets back up. "For a little while. We'll go home at lunch time." He dropped some files on the desk that Blair began paging through.

  "You didn't get the signature you needed."

  "No, Cassie wasn't there. She was down in Evidence checking something and I didn't feel like chasing her down. I'll try again in fifteen minutes." Jim leaned closer. "So what happened?"

  "Hmm?" Blair responded, still reading the file.

  "While I was gone?"

  "Oh, that. You got as far as the door, and it was Peru again in here. Everything went native and I couldn't understand anyone so I played possum and feigned sleeping, figuring they'd leave me alone. Guess I played the part too well, right?"

  "I don't like leaving you alone if you can't understand anyone."

  "I was fine, Jim. Really. And I'm back to reading now." He pointed to a page of the file. "What's this about Alex's partner?"

  "That's about all we know."

  "I think I met him."

  "You mentioned once before that you thought he might have been in your office with Alex."

  "Yeah, I think so. Maybe. It's all kind of hazy -- Jim, you said that when you found me in the fountain, your senses were back online, functioning normally. The perceived 'threat' of the other Sentinel was gone."

  Jim nodded. "It was still there, but just in the background."

  "How long would I have been there-- in the fountain?"

  "We don't know. It's hard to say. The water was icy cold, which probably kept you alive. But I'd say no more than a few minutes. There is evidence, from the scrapes and bruises on your knees and hands, that you might have been conscious for a brief time, struggling maybe to get yourself out."

  Blair grimaced. "Maybe I'm glad I don't remember it. I'm just wondering how far they could have gotten in five minutes."

  "Not far enough. I think I would have known if she was within five or ten minutes of the university. But if her partner was there, maybe she had left earlier and he took over. I might not have noticed him."

  "You mean maybe he was there watching us? Watching you pull me from the fountain?"

  "Maybe. I wasn't really paying attention to anything else. I'm just sure that she wasn't there." Jim jotted down some times. "When did she show up at the university?"

  "It was still dark. I think about three o'clock."

  "That leaves over two hours. How much do you remember?"

  "She pulled a gun on me right off the bat... I thought she was going to blow me away."

  "The doctors said your skull injury was a few hours old, so probably either she or her partner hit you on the head soon after they got there." Jim looked down at his watch. "I'm going to try and find Cassie again. Why don't you come with me?"

  "I think I'll stay here. I want to see if the effect is the same this time. This is as safe a place as any to check my reactions."

  Agitated, Jim tapped the desk with his fingers until Blair put his hand over the detective's. "Relax, Jim. I'll be fine."


  "Just call me if you need anything. I'll come right away," he said, standing.

  "Will do," Blair said with a smile, adding a yawn once Jim had turned away. Okay, he's at the door and...presto. Peru. Okay, that would be Jungle-Rafe and that would be Jungle-Henri sitting on that log talking. Rhonda is.... Wow. Rhonda. Jungle-Rhonda. He knew his face was bright red staring at the topless tribeswoman. He looked away, studying his hands for a moment. Maybe I won't mention that to Jim. He'd lock me up. Blair yawned again. He was feeling sleepy, but not too bad. He picked up the file and stared at the bark strips. I'll pretend to read this time.

  Telephones rang around him, including the one on Jim's desk, but he didn't answer it. He didn't usually answer Jim's phone unless he was expecting a call. Better it go to the dreaded 'voice mail'. Some of Jim's snitches knew him now, but most still preferred to speak to Jim personally.

  A noise made him raise his head. The tribal warriors had all changed position and he had lost track of Jungle-Rafe and Jungle-Henri. Someone else was there, someone who was very angry. A prisoner? The pushing and shoving escalated quickly, and someone was shoved in his direction, knocking him off his chair into the underbrush. He scrambled back out of the way, trying to stay out of the line of fighting. A large native grabbed him by the collar and started dragging him back toward the fight and Blair tried to loosen the tight grip, but to no avail. He was dragged across the clearing and into a cave.

  "JIM!" Okay, this wasn't a good idea. Help me out, Jim! "JIM!"

  The warrior was yelling, both at him and whoever was at the entrance of the cave. Blair dove into the corner of the cave, pushing as far back into the darkness as he could. Jim will come. Jim will come. Now, Jim.

  Gunfire went off nearby, the sharp echo setting off his nerves. Jim...Come now, please. More yelling in the cave, then arms trying to reach him, to pull him out. He kicked at them, hearing their angry response. They buzzed around the cave entrance, arms waving.

  More noise. More warriors. Blair put his arms over his head and tried to make himself small. "Jim?" he whispered.

  * * *

  He heard the first cry as the elevator was taking him back to Major Crimes. Before he could do anything, Ellison felt a wave of dizziness come over him, then he was standing in the clearing again before the older Sentinel-Warrior.

  "What are you doing?" Ellison demanded. "Sandburg needs me. He's in trouble." His entire body resonated with his Guide's distress.

  "He does need you. As you need him." The Sentinel-Warrior looked at him calmly, with the hint of an amused smile on his face. "Do you understand that you need him?"

  "I do. I do need him." He could feel his Guide's fear emanating across the distance separating them. "Let me go to him."

  "Why do you need him?"

  "He is my friend. I have a responsibility to him."

  "Why do you need him?"

  "I need to make sure he's safe. Because of me, he's in danger right now!"

  "He is not in danger. He will be safe."

  "Damn it! He's frightened. He's all alone."

  "He has friends to protect him, Sentinel. They are keeping watch over him."

  "It's not the same. I need to be there."

  "Why?"

  "Because he's calling out to me."

  "Ah. Tell me, Enquiri, have you learned to listen to him?"

  "I told you he's calling out to me!"

  "Have you learned to feel what he is saying? Have you learned to listen to what his body needs, his soul needs?"

  Ellison stood trembling in the shadows of the clearing, his thoughts frantically trying to find an answer that would free him to go to his partner.

  Then the Sentinel-Warrior began to hum a tune that seemed vaguely familiar.

  "Enquiri, you washed not only his feet, but all of him. You were the servant. You provided for his needs. You calmed his anxiety. You healed his soul. And you did it not because of you, but because of him."

  "He was in such pain," Ellison whispered, tears flowing down his face as he remembered.

  "And you listened to the cry of his heart."

  "He's crying out to me now."

  "He has been crying out to you for a long time. You are just hearing him now. Tell me, Enquiri, have you been crying out for him?"

  "I need him."

  "Why do you need him, Enquiri? Do you know yet?"

  "He is the other half of my soul. I am not alive without him. He completes me."

  "And what is your fear?"

  "My fear... is that he will leave. Or that someone will take him from me."

  "He is your Guide because he chooses to be and because it is who he is. He is your Guide. And no one will take him from you."

  "What if she returns?"

  "He is your Guide."

  "She will try to take him--"

  "He is your Guide."

  "But--"

  The Warrior lifted his staff. "Is he your Guide, Enquiri?"

  "Yes," Ellison whispered. "I need to go to him. He is calling me. I must answer his call."

  "You must respond to him because he is your Guide. You must lay aside your independence and place your soul at his feet. He is your Guide. He will lead. Be with him now. Listen, and he will guide you. Stay near to him, and he will guide you."

  The warrior faded back into the jungle, then the jungle faded into the elevator, and the elevator doors opened.

  * * *

  The sounds around him crescendoed as he hid in the back of the cave, hands tight over his ears, trying to block the noise. The tribal warriors were all yelling, and he could see their legs as they swarmed around where he hid. Three times, they had bent low to grab at him, and he had kicked them back, screaming at them to leave him alone.

  "Chief?"

  "Jim?" Blair opened his eyes, relief flooding him at seeing the Sentinel.

  And through the darkness of the cave, he saw Simon's office. Simon holding his hand to his jaw. Rafe flexing and clenching his right hand as though it had been injured.

  "Jim?" he repeated, his voice quavering. The Sentinel pulled him out from under the board table and into his arms, almost crushing him, but he didn't care. "What happened?" he whispered as soon as his heart stopped pounding quite so fast. He was still shaking, trembling so hard he knew his muscles were going to ache later. "Simon?"

  "A witness to a crime came in to make a statement, but he saw someone he didn't like, and pulled out a gun and fired off a few shots. They were trying to get him under control when the man he had been threatening decided to attack him. They're sorting it all out now." Simon was kneeling beside them, touching Blair's cheek. "You okay, Sandburg? You gave me quite the scare."

  "Sorry... Did I do that to your jaw?" Blair couldn't turn his head much -- Jim held him quite securely against his chest -- but he could see from the way Simon was talking that his jaw hurt.

  "It's okay. I obviously scared you." Simon looked tired. As tired as Jim looked when Blair finally got a good look at his face.

  "Jim? Hey, Jim." The grip wasn't letting up at all. "Jim, I want to go home, okay? I need to get out of here. I don't want to have to explain why I freaked."

  "I shouldn't have left you. I'm supposed to stay with you. Stay close to you. I'm sorry." The words were whispered so quietly Blair could hardly hear them.

  Simon had closed the door to the office, so at least they didn't have an audience. "Jim, can we continue this discussion at home? I'd really love to go home, man."

  Ellison took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then finally he released Sandburg. "I'll get our coats. Stay with me."

  With a backwards look at Simon, Blair followed his partner into the jungle clearing/bullpen, trying to ignore the concerned looks that came his way. Great. First day back and I lose it in the bullpen.

  Brown came over to them as Blair struggled into his jacket. "You okay, Hairboy? Sorry 'bout that. We had no idea the guy was carrying. He was just a witness. We weren't arresting him for anything."

&n
bsp; Blair nodded, his hands raised in a placating manner. "It's okay, Henri. I'm fine. My head's just a little sensitive and the noise bothered me. I was trying to get away from what was happening and I got dizzy and... Well, I'm okay. See?" he added, smiling and spreading his hands.

  "Come on." Ellison stepped between them, motioning Sandburg toward the elevator. "Let's go home and grab some lunch," he said, his face still devoid of emotion.

  The trip home was silent and apart from occasional glances at his partner -- whose attention was firmly fixed on the road ahead of them -- Blair kept his eyes closed, willing his stomach to quit feeling so queasy.

  But there was no mention of lunch once they arrived at the loft. Instead, Jim steered him to the couch, sat beside him, and drew him back into the crushing embrace. "I'm sorry, Chief."

  Ellison's heart was pounding. Blair could feel it through the man's sweater. He could feel the Sentinel's fear and he let Jim hold him tight. Something was happening to his partner. Deep shuddering breaths sounded in his ear. Hot tears dropped to his cheeks.

  "I'm here, Jim."

  Ellison nodded, but didn't let go. It was as though he was trying to absorb him somehow.

  Your life enfolding mine.

  Oh.

  Not crushing him, but enfolding him. The reason Jim was holding him so gently and fiercely was because Blair Sandburg was that important to him.

  Blair felt more tears on his cheeks and realized they were his own, for he was loved. Cherished.

  The fear of abandonment vanished at the realization of his own worth and Jim's silent, passionate acknowledgment of it. Blair was home. He would not be turned out again. He was loved.

  First, there had been Peace. Then had come Joy. And now, Love.

  He was loved. The tears turned to sobs, but not the painful ones of the previous night, but sobs of relief, of the end of one path and the beginning of another. He was gathered closer, if that were possible. His sobs were echoed by the Sentinel, and the sound was like music to his ears. Broken and mended by the Peace, the Joy, and the Love between them.