Memories

by Sletten, Deanna Lynn

  "I'm sorry, Mr. DeCara," Dr. Bradseth told him, trying his best to be kind. "But there is no way that your daughter will come out of this."

  Michael stared at the doctor from his chair, never letting go of Vanessa's cold, frail hand. "So what do I do now?"

  "The only humane thing you can do is take her off of life support and let her go naturally," Bradseth answered him honestly. "But the decision as to when you are ready to do that is up to you. Sometimes it takes families awhile to get used to the idea. It's a hard thing to do, no matter what, I know."

  As Michael remained silent, Dr. Bradseth probed him a bit. "Is there anyone else we can call for you? Her mother, maybe? Another relative? It might help to have someone here with you."

  Michael shook his head. "There's only me and Vanessa. We're all that's left."

  "We have counselors on staff who are experienced in helping families facing this type of crisis. Would you like for me to send someone up here to be with you?"

  Again, Michael shook his head. "I'd like to be alone for awhile, if you don't mind."

  "Of course," Dr. Bradseth headed for the door, then turned to face him again. "Take all the time you need. Let us know if there's anything we can do, and when you've made your decision." With that, he walked out the door, closing it softly behind him.

  Time ticked away with every beat of Vanessa's heart monitor, every labored breath from her body. Michael stared blindly down at her, thinking, remembering, wishing.

  When he'd told the doctor that there was only he and Vanessa left, it wasn't completely true. There was Michelle. Sweet, innocent, two-year-old Michelle, who would suffer the most from the decision he was about to make. Now he had to become both mother and father to her, to make up for her great loss. How could he do it alone? How could he do it at all when all he wanted right now was to lie down and die beside his beautiful daughter? The only good thing that ever came from his life.

  Why had God done this to him, he wondered. Why had he let her live on all these months only to take her away from him?

  Her labored breathing told him he couldn't let her continue suffering this way. Each breath, each heartbeat, seemed to shake her entire body. He had seen too much suffering in his lifetime to allow it to happen to Vanessa. So, finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he walked to the door of her room with heavy footsteps and asked the nurse on duty to please contact Dr. Bradseth. He had made his decision.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  It took Vanessa's body six hours after being taken off all life support systems to finally find peace in eternal sleep. Michael sat with her the entire time, holding her hand, with little else to do but remember. He had watched her enter this world, all pink and wrinkled with a swatch of damp, orange hair stuck on her head. Now he watched her leave, gasping painfully for air, as the baby had once gasped her first breath of life. He saw her take her last breath.

  The doctor had warned him she might live up to three days after being taken off the machines, but it took only six hours. He was fortunate, one nurse told him in an effort to ease his pain, that she had gone quickly and quietly. Yeah, fortunate, he thought.

  As he walked out of room 207B for the final time, the night nurse standing in the doorway patted him on the back. "You can call us in the morning about the arrangements," she told him, practically in tears herself for losing their 'princess'. "Try to get some rest, okay?"

  Dry-eyed, Michael nodded at her and headed down the hall with no direction in mind. Unconsciously, he walked to conference room 225C and stepped inside, letting the door close softly behind him.

  The vet meeting was over for the night, but Kevin was still there, rearranging the chairs and picking up the paper cups from the meeting. He watched Michael walk into the room and straight past him to the window beyond, as if he were invisible.

  Michael stared out the window at the tall oak tree illuminated by floodlights. The sturdy tree was all but bare except for a few die-hard leaves hanging onto its branches. He watched as one curled, brown leaf broke free of its grasp in the gentle breeze and fall slowly to the ground, finally released of its hold.

  "She's gone," he said aloud.

  "I know." Kevin came up behind Michael and laid his hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, man."

  For the first time that day, Michael broke into heart-wrenching sobs over the loss of his beloved daughter. His whole body shook as he stood in front of the frozen window, the other man's hand steadfast on his shoulder offering what little solace he could.

  "Why?" he managed to choke out. "Why let her live all these months and then take her away? What was the purpose? It’s so cruel!"

  Kevin's large hand tightened on his shoulder then loosened again. "Sometimes it's hard to understand the reason why these things happen. Look at how many of us are still questioning the reason for Nam. But there's always a reason and it will show itself sooner or later."

  Michael shook his head slowly and managed to calm himself down a bit. He turned and looked up at the husky man before him, feeling better from the few words he'd offered. Kevin was big and rough around the edges to look at, but he had a way of handling people under stress like no man Michael had ever met. His calm blue eyes always seemed to be saying I understand, I'm listening.

  Michael bore his soul. "Vanessa was my reason for living, the only reason I cared about anything. Now what do I live for?"

  Kevin's brow creased as he stared hard at Michael. "For yourself, man," he said without hesitation. "For all the things you haven't done yet. For all the things that you are. For you!" His face softened. "And if that's not enough, there's a little girl at home who's going to need you more than ever now, remember?"

  Michael stared at the carpet and nodded his head. Of course. How could he be so selfish to forget about Michelle? Poor little Michelle, who had lost both her parents, who must now rely on him for everything.

  "Come on, I'll drive you home," Kevin said, placing his hand on Michael's back and leading him from the room. "You can pick up your car later. You have a lot ahead of you tomorrow."

  And the next day and the next day... Michael thought as he let Kevin lead him out the door and down the hallway.

  Vanessa DeCara-Chandler was buried in the family plot beside her husband, grandparents and great-grandparents, in a small ceremony of guests. Only a few close friends and colleagues had been invited, along with the Chandlers, whose presence both warmed and saddened Michael all at once. Catherine also came out for the funeral and to spend a few days at the house in Southampton with Michael and Michelle to help out.

  Michael walked in a trance the days preceding and after the funeral, allowing Cathy to run the house for him and grateful for her being there. The hardest thing he had done, besides burying his only daughter, was telling Michelle that Mommy would never come home again.

  "She's an angel in heaven now," he explained softly to the two-year-old child.

  "Mommy and Daddy are angels?" the little girl questioned.

  "Yes, sweetie, they're together now."

  She smiled up at her beloved grandfather. "Then they're happy," she told him. He was amazed at how easily she understood and accepted this fact of life. He wished he could understand so readily.

  A few days after the funeral, Cathy took it upon herself to buy a Christmas tree and the three of them decorated it in silence. Michelle enjoyed the twinkling lights and colored glass balls, bubbling with anticipation over Santa's upcoming visit. But Michael only went through the motions, not noticing or seeming to care.

  Cathy and Mrs. Carols decorated the rest of the house in the hope of lifting his spirits, but to no avail. That evening, after Michelle had been put to bed, Cathy lit a fire in the living room fireplace and sat with Michael on the sofa, staring into it.

  "Christmas is only a week away," Cathy said, breaking the silence between them. "Would you like me to go shopping for Michelle? I'd love doing it for you."

  Michael looked blankly at Cathy. He looked so tired and run down
that it made her heart ache.

  "I'd appreciate that," he told her, returning his stare into the fire. "You've done so much already, I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you."

  Cathy laid her hand on his leg. "I'm here for you, Michael, for whatever you need," she told him.

  He looked up at her again, this time as if he was finally seeing her. Laying his own hand over hers he said, "You're spoiling me. You'd better stop before I get used to it."

  "I'll stay as long as you need me, Michael. As long as it takes."

  Michael smiled, for the first time in days, warmed by the care in Cathy's eyes. "And you know I'd keep you for as long as I could," he told her, still squeezing her hand. "But you have a life that you need to get back to. And someone waiting for you," he added.

  "Right now what's important is you and Michelle. Everything else can wait."

  Michael lifted her hand up to his lips and kissed it ever so lightly. "No sweetheart, it can't wait. You need to get back to your life, your job and your man." Seeing concern crease her face he added. "Don't worry about me, Cathy, I'm a survivor. I survived Vietnam, I survived drugs and I survived the last three months of hell. I'll keep moving on and coping like I always have."

  Cathy looked up past him to the table in the hallway stacked high with sympathy cards that Michael had, so far, refused to open. Survive, yes, she thought. But cope? She wasn't as sure about that.

  "Will you keep attending the vet meetings at the hospital every week?"

  "Yes, ma'am," he promised. "That's the one good thing that's come out of all this. I wouldn't miss them."

  Cathy nodded her approval. "Okay, I'll stay long enough to help you with Christmas, then I'll head back home."

  Michael seemed satisfied with that and continued holding her hand as they both were left with their own thoughts while staring into the red-blue flames. Cathy hoped and prayed Michael would be able to accept his loss and move on with his life, while Michael wished he had someone like Cathy to help him cope with the years ahead.

  And cope he did, one day at a time, sometimes taking it an hour at a time. He made it through Christmas day with as much joy as he could muster for Michelle, yet all the time thinking how sad it was that Vanessa and Matthew weren't there to share Christmas with their daughter.

  As promised to Cathy, he continued going to the vet meetings at the hospital, where Kevin always greeted him with a warm handshake. The two had become close friends since the night Vanessa died, sometimes even staying late past the meetings to talk about how things were going for Michael as he struggled through.

  He also appreciated the time spent with the other vets and the stories they shared about life during and after Vietnam. He didn't even mind Joe, who could sometimes be abrasive and who always said what he thought, no matter who he pissed off. He really set Michael off at one meeting when he told him that what he needed was a woman in his life.

  Michael had been talking about his re-occurring nightmares of late, and the stress of worrying about Michelle's future when Joe threw that one at him.

  "What do I need a woman in my life for?" Michael retorted to Joe's casual observation. "I don't need any more complications right now."

  "Complications!" Joe snorted. "A good woman isn't a complication. Hell, I don't know what I'd do without my old lady. She keeps me on the straight and narrow and always tells me like it is."

  Michael narrowed his eyes at the man in the wheelchair beside him. Dressed in his usual black T-shirt and jeans, his hair looking like he just got out of bed, he couldn't imagine any woman putting up with him. He was pretty haughty for a man with no legs in a wheelchair.

  "I think what Joe is saying is it's always good to have someone you can trust to stand beside you," Kevin offered, trying to smooth things a bit. "You know, like the buddy system they use in the service. Someone to always back you up when you need him."

  Michael thought of Billy, and Vanessa. "Almost everyone I ever cared about is dead," he said quietly. "That makes me one hell of a buddy, doesn't it?"

  Kevin and the others remained silent at this, but Joe wouldn't let it go. "Oh, come on man, there must be someone out there who you're close to. A hunk like you, and rich, too. Can't tell me you have no one."

  Michael shot him an evil look. "Yeah, there was someone, once," he replied, thinking of Dani. "But I hurt her, too. Like everyone else who comes in contact with me, I drove her away."

  "We vets tend to do that a lot," Kevin interjected. "We're so afraid of getting close to people that we push them away. When all along, what we need are more people around us, not less."

  Michael and the others nodded at this, each one understanding what Kevin was saying. Joe continued shaking his head at Michael. "You need a woman, man," he continued under his breath. "You really need someone."

  Michael rolled his eyes at the man beside him, but deep down he understood what he was saying. He really did need someone beside him right now. And the only person his thoughts kept returning to was Dani.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The crisp winter breeze nipped at Dani's face as she stood on the deck of her parent's house staring across the frozen lake. The light dusting of snow that had fallen earlier that day swirled around her feet, but she felt warm and snug in her thick parka and snow boots.

  It was Christmas Eve day and Dani had driven up to spend the holiday with her parents. Like most of the retirees on the lake, her parents had a winter place down south but they never closed up the cabin until after Christmas so the three of them could spend it together.

  Dani sighed at the thought of having missed both summer and fall here at the cabin. She loved coming up here to all this quiet, fishing with her father and berry picking with her mother. She loved hiking through the woods in the fall, when the leaves were golden and orange and the pines and cedar trees smelled fresh in the cool, wet mornings. There was no better place to relax and reflect.

  But she had been so busy with work, she had missed it this year. And then that business with Miguel on Labor Day weekend. She would have spent the weekend here if it hadn't been for him. Maybe she would have been better off, too.

  "Hey there little girl, what are you doing out here? You'll freeze." Mr. Westerly interrupted her thoughts as he came out onto the porch with a wide smile and linked his arm through Dani's.

  She returned his smile. "I was just thinking of all the time I missed up here this year," she told him. "It seems all I do is work lately."

  "Well, work is important," he said, staring off into the same frozen distance she was.

  Dani looked over at him. "But it's not everything, right Dad?" she asked, reading his thoughts.

  He only cocked his silver head and raised his eyebrows in question. "I think your mom needs help cracking walnuts for the stuffing," was all he said. "Let's go see if we can snitch a few in the process."

  She smiled at her dad as she followed him in. The aroma inside was glorious from the pies her mother had baked earlier and the cinnamon bread that was now rising in the oven. The decorated pine tree in the corner only added to that perfect Christmas scent. Dani loved her parent's cabin. It was warm and inviting, the furniture familiar and comfortable. To her it was home.

  Later, as Dani and her mother sat cracking walnuts for tomorrow's stuffing and her father watched the news in the living room, Mrs. Westerly turned the conversation to Dani's Christmas party.

  "Did you have a good time with your friend?"

  "It was okay," Dani floundered for words that sounded interesting. Her date with Mark had been fun, but not exciting. He'd been very polite and hadn't even tried to kiss her at the end of the evening. And she had been relieved.

  "Are you seeing him again?" her mom probed.

  "He asked me to go to a New Year's Eve party with him," she answered. To her mother's upraised eyebrows she replied, "I said yes."

  "Oh, good. I'm so glad you're getting out, honey. I hate to think of you always working and having no fun." Dani only smiled
at her mother's concern.

  That evening at Christmas Eve church service, Dani's thoughts wandered over the past year. She wondered for a moment where Miguel was right now and what he was doing. Was he with Vanessa and her family right now? Would he be watching Michelle open her presents Christmas morning with those chubby hands and delightful squeals? She tried hard to push the thoughts away, but couldn't.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  January placed its icy fingers over Minnesota as life went on for Dani and the rest of the workers at Chance's Department Store. As the weather made its daily changes, so did change occur for the people it touched.

  Dani had rung in the New Year with Mark at his friend's party, but when he placed a kiss on her lips to celebrate the New Year, and later at the door of her apartment, Dani felt nothing inside. No spark, no interest, nothing. Not like the warmth and burning she'd felt from Miguel's kisses. And although it angered her for thinking it, she felt she might never find anyone else who jarred her senses the way Miguel had. With that weighing heavily on her mind, she declined any further invitations from Mark and fell back into her lonely weekends.

  At work, change prevailed. Janette finally made her decision not to come back to work. By this time, it didn't surprise anyone at Chance's, least of all Dani. Carl offered the job to Dani, but she declined, offering instead the advice to promote Traycee to it. No one else in the department wanted to switch, and Traycee had been working on the accounts over the past months and was familiar with them.

  "I'm confident Traycee has the drive and desire to do a good job," she told Trindell. After some consideration, he agreed, as long as Dani promised to help her over the rough spots.

  Dani knew Traycee was a good choice. Her opinion of the young woman had changed greatly over the past months, a complete turnaround, like so many other things going on around her. She agreed to help and was satisfied so far with her decision. Traycee's youth and enthusiasm was what a job like that needed. And her good fashion sense showed through with each order.