Extra Dirty

by K. Evan Coles

  “Yet you continue to see them,” Cam countered.

  “As long as they don’t drag me into the drama, it’s all good.” Jesse sipped his wine. “And Astrid’s cool. One of the reasons we get along is that we don’t expect anything but fun from each other. She may be as close to a female version of me as I’ve ever met.”

  “That’s mildly disturbing and disturbingly arousing.” Cam slapped a hand over his eyes. “Thank you so much for putting unwanted images in my head.”

  Jesse cackled. “You’re welcome.” He poked Cam in the side with his finger and made him grunt. “Hurry up and finish your food. There’s cheesecake with figs and a pine nut gelato for dessert, and I want to grope you in the shower before we have to leave. I’ll have our bags brought up from the car.”

  “Fine, fine,” Cam grumbled. He speared another piece of meat with his fork. “I take it you’re not going back to your place tonight after the bar?”

  “I figured I’d come back here. It’s not like I’ve seen much beyond the bedroom and kitchen after all,” Jesse joked. “Feel like meeting up after work?”

  Cam’s eyes lit up. “Hell yes. A four-block commute is a nice change from hauling ass back out to Brooklyn at four a.m.”

  “Excellent.” Jesse rubbed his hands together with glee. “That means we can debauch the sauna before checkout tomorrow, too.”

  Chapter Ten

  “I’m so fucked,” Cam moaned to Taryn.

  “Yep. You are.”

  Cam made a face and bumped shoulders with her. “Thanks.”

  She shrugged. “You said it. I’m agreeing with you. You are in serious, serious like for Jesse Murtagh, and there’s no way for that to end well.”

  “Ugh. I really am.” Cam flipped through the stack of vinyl without seeing them. After leaving the Greenwich Hotel, he’d met up with Taryn and they’d checked out a couple of familiar vintage shops and a new thrift store that had opened near her place. He’d also spent most of the time whining about his changing feelings for Jesse. Not that it helped. “Fuck my life.”

  “What did you expect, hon?”

  “I don’t know.” Cam ran a hand through his hair and looked over at his friend. “Not this! I went into this with clear eyes. I knew what kind of guy I got involved with. He never promised me anything. I just don’t know where it went…wrong. It’s like my feelings fucking ran away with me.”

  “You’ve never had this problem before.”

  “Exactly! Fuck.” Cam let out a breath. “Casual sex has always been fun, you know?”

  “I know.”

  “I’ve never had a hard time compartmentalizing things. No problem getting along with and liking a guy I had a regular thing with, without getting all”—he made a face—“emotionally entangled.”

  “And there’s some entanglement here, huh?”

  Cam nodded. He felt miserable, realizing how attached he’d grown. And knowing Jesse was not on the same page. To him, Cam was someone to kill time with. One of many pleasant diversions in his life. Unfortunately, it had become a bit more on Cam’s side.

  “I just…” His voice came out thick. “I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s not like anyone I’ve ever met. And I don’t know how to turn that off.”

  “Do you think it might be better to end it?” Taryn’s tone was gentle, but all the same, a weird pang went through Cam’s chest at the idea of not seeing Jesse again.

  “Probably,” he admitted. “I’ve thought about it. I don’t know how to. Well, okay, I know how to. If I told him how I felt, he’d go running for the hills. That would be the easy part. The hard part is bringing myself to do it. I care for him. A lot. And I am royally fucked because there’s no way this will end well.”

  “Oh, honey.” Taryn rubbed his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah. Thanks.” Cam swallowed hard. “Me too.”

  He reached the end of the vinyl selection and stepped toward the clothing section while Taryn split off to go look at housewares. Cam welcomed the break. He’d unloaded on Taryn because he’d needed to vent, but the whole situation left him feeling weird and vulnerable, and he didn’t like it at all. He wanted to hit a reset button and go back to the time before Jesse had appeared in his life. Except, the idea of undoing everything they’d done together felt fundamentally wrong. He couldn’t imagine not sending texts back and forth throughout the day, sometimes flirty, sometimes funny, sometimes just checking in. He didn’t want to think about never feeling the soft prickle of Jesse’s beard against his mouth or trembling over Cam’s body as he came with a hoarse moan. And he couldn’t imagine never falling asleep again beside Jesse, exhausted and content.

  Cam didn’t know the precise moment when things had shifted for him, but he’d thought about the issue since the night at the club before Jesse’s last trip to London.

  Seeing Jesse with someone else had been very strange for Cam. He was used to Jesse’s interactions with the other speakeasy guys. That didn’t bother him. It didn’t bother him at all when Kyle and Jesse flirted, either, even though Cam knew they fucked semi-regularly.

  But seeing him with Astrid at the club had filled him with a strange emotion he couldn’t shake. And he didn’t understand it. Cam didn’t think it was because she was a woman—he’d dated bi guys before, and it had never made any difference one way or the other to him.

  He’d never been a jealous person at all, but an unreasonable flash of jealousy shot through him whenever he imagined Jesse and Astrid together. Cam couldn’t quite figure out what made it different. Maybe because he knew and liked Jesse’s friends, especially Kyle, and Astrid was an unknown quantity. Not to mention beautiful and charming. Hell, Jesse had called her the female version of himself. The entire situation made Cam question what he could possibly do or say to keep Jesse’s attention.

  Despite his current mixed-up feelings, Cam still toyed with the idea of the threesome with Jesse and Kyle, too. Even though the suggestion he hop into bed with Kyle—independent of Jesse—made him pause. Or maybe the entire situation overwhelmed and confused him. Cam’s head was a giant fucking disaster at the moment, and he couldn’t sort through any of it.

  Since Jesse had come back from his work trip, thoughts and worries like these had been whirling through Cam’s mind. He had no claim on Jesse, but that didn’t lessen the sting when he thought about him and his place in Cam’s life. He didn’t want Jesse to change or become someone else, but on some level, Cam wanted to know he mattered to Jesse. And that Jesse wouldn’t just disappear from his life. Cam couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt that way about anyone.

  Jesse was the worst possible person to develop feelings for. Whether it ended now or later, Cam predicted heartbreak for himself.

  “You ready to head out?” Taryn asked.

  Cam turned and stared at her blankly for a moment before the words sank in. “Uh. Yeah, sure. I didn’t find anything I can’t live without today.”

  Out of necessity, Cam was a minimalist when it came to furniture and housewares. His clothes and records took up most of the limited space in his cramped bedroom, so he was careful about what he brought home.

  Taryn held up the reusable tote she always carried in her purse. “I managed to get out of here without buying any large furniture for you to move,” she said with satisfaction. “Just new wineglasses to replace the ones that got broken at the last party and an awesome, kitschy painting for the gallery wall in my living room.”

  “Nice!” Cam said. He forced a smile onto his face. “Now, how do you feel about stopping for a coffee before I head to Jersey? I need to hear all about the hot nanny you hooked up with.”

  A little while later, Cam shook his head at his friend. “I didn’t realize the nanny was your student’s nanny. I thought you met him on Tinder or something. Jesus, Taryn. Living dangerously, huh?”

  “First of all, he’s a man who’s a nanny, so you should be referring to him as a manny. Second, I’m pretty sure the kid’s mom is screwing hi
m, too.”

  Cam groaned. “That doesn’t make it better!”

  “You worry too much. He was hot but we’re over now. No harm done, I promise.”

  “Until you meet the next hot manny or substitute teacher!”

  She grinned. “Jealous?”

  Cam made a face. “No, I think I get up to enough trouble on my own. Thanks.”

  * * * *

  Despite the jolt of caffeine, Cam dozed on the train ride from Brooklyn to Manhattan, and again on the one from Manhattan to Jersey City. Still groggy, he knocked on the door of the yellow row house where he’d grown up and pushed it open before anyone could answer. He came face to face with his father. Frank Lewis stood the same height as Cam, with graying ginger hair and a tired but content face.

  “Happy birthday, Dad.” Cam hugged him and passed over the vividly colored gift bag Taryn had helped him pick out at the pharmacy. He’d bought the gift a few weeks ago, but he’d blanked on the wrapping and card.

  “Glad you could make it. We haven’t seen you much.” Frank’s blue eyes twinkled and softened the chiding tone and words.

  “I’m sorry.” Cam offered him a smile. “Things are nuts.”

  “What’s his name?” his mother, Maureen, asked brightly from the hallway.

  Cam groaned. “And so it begins.”

  His father chuckled. “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition but—”

  “One should always expect the Maureen Grilling.” Cam finished the oft-quoted phrase in their family. “Hi, Mom.”

  Maureen elbowed her way in front of her husband. “Move it, Frank. I need to hug our son.”

  Cam smiled down at his mom, equal parts exasperated and glad to see her. She stood a foot shorter than Cam and Frank, and Cam had to stoop for a hug. Maureen had a short, curvy figure and blonde hair—a far cry from Cam’s rangy build and ginger coloring—but he’d inherited her lively brown eyes.

  “To answer your question, there’s no one serious.” That felt like a lie, but Cam didn’t know what else to say. He was close to his parents, but there was no way in hell he wanted to spill about the entire complicated situation with Jesse.

  His parents exchanged a look Cam remembered from his childhood. The look that said they’d let it slide for now, but not forever. Crap.

  A thundering sound behind them announced the arrival of more of the Lewis clan.

  “Cam, Cam, Cam!” A small figure weaseled between the wall and his parents to attach to his legs, followed by a second.

  “Hi, guys,” Cam said, crouching down. George and Lily were the youngest among the Lewis kids. His parents had gotten pregnant with Cam in their early twenties, soon after their wedding. Daniel and Arthur had come along six and eight years later, followed by an almost ten-year gap, and finally, the twins had arrived. While no one ever said as much, Cam suspected George and Lily were a welcome but unintended surprise following Frank’s treatment for testicular cancer.

  Maureen’s pregnancy with the twins had been rough, though. She’d been over forty and considered high-risk. She’d spent much of it on bedrest, and Cam had felt guilty because he was busy taking college classes and striking out on his own. He’d still lived at home and done what he could to help out by taking care of Arthur and Daniel, but he could have done more.

  The twins had held out long enough to be born slightly premature but healthy overall and, after a brief stint in the NICU, had been released. They were now rambunctious five-year-olds who kept his parents running nonstop.

  “I drawed a picture for you,” George announced, his words overlapping with Lily’s chattering about their recent trip to the zoo.

  “And we saw the pandas and the camels. The two-humped ones!” Lily added.

  “I can’t wait to see your picture,” Cam said. “And hear all about the zoo, but can I come inside first?”

  “Oh!” Maureen laughed. “Yes, let your brother in the front door, you two.”

  Once Cam was inside the house, with his shoes and coat off, his mother offered him a drink.

  “Coffee, please. I’m beat. But I can get it myself.” He moved toward the kitchen, but Maureen waved him off.

  “Sit down and catch up with your siblings. I’ll get the coffee for you.”

  “Is it only the seven of us?” He hadn’t seen any signs of anyone else in the family, but it was rare for his mom not to invite Frank’s two brothers and their families, who also lived in the Jersey area.

  “Oh, no. Everyone else will be here for dinner. I wanted you to come early so we could catch up.”

  “Are you sure you don’t need help with anything?” he asked.

  “No,” she said. “Snacks are in the living room, the lasagna’s about to go in the oven, the salad and garlic bread are prepped, and I picked up the German chocolate cake from the bakery around the corner last night.”

  Cam’s mouth watered. They were his dad’s favorites and some of Cam’s as well. “Yum. I can’t wait.”

  “Well, you’re going to have to wait about an hour. Now, shoo.”

  “I’m going, I’m going.”

  Cam walked into the living room where two teenagers were sprawled on the loveseat, so engrossed in a video game they barely looked up at his greeting. He got grunts and a half-hearted “hey” in response to his hello.

  He took a seat on the couch near his father, and Lily clambered into his lap. She wore striped leggings, a sparkly tutu, and an Iron Man shirt, and her tangle of red-blonde curls was held back by two Day-Glo-colored bows. It was a subdued look for his little sister.

  “You wanna hear about the camels now?”

  “Yes.” Cam settled her into a position that didn’t crush parts he’d prefer not to be crushed, and George wiggled into a spot on his other side, clutching a creased piece of paper covered with crayon drawings. “Tell me all about the zoo and the two-humped camels.”

  * * * *

  A good hour passed after dinner before Cam got a chance to sit down with his father. Lily and George had demanded most of the attention at first, and he’d gotten in a quick video game with Arthur and Daniel, too. Then the extended family had descended on the house, engulfing it in chaos until after everyone had sung ‘Happy Birthday’ and they’d cut and eaten the cake.

  Cam’s aunts, uncles and cousins had finally dispersed, and relative quiet had settled upon the house again. Maureen was attempting to get the twins down for bed, but from the intermittent sound of running feet coming from upstairs, he guessed it wasn’t going well.

  “So, how’s work?” Cam asked his dad.

  He shrugged. “Same ’ole, same ole. Hired a new apprentice a few months ago. She’s working out well, so that’s good. Might keep her on.”

  Frank was a master electrician and owned his own company. Over the years, he’d trained a number of apprentices, a few of whom he’d gone on to hire to work for him.

  “Business is good then?”

  His father nodded. “Yep, it’s picked up in the past few months, and we’ve had a lot of jobs.”

  “That’s typical for spring, isn’t it?”

  “It’s up fifty percent from last year.”

  “That’s great!” Cam said. The housing market crash and economic downturn had hit Frank’s business hard. His mother’s pay as a middle school English teacher provided steady income, but if his father hadn’t inherited the house from his parents, Cam didn’t know what would have happened to them. Now, with two kids in high school and two more in elementary, every bit helped.

  “Yep.” Frank was a man of few words. Quiet and introspective, he was hardworking, devoted to his loved ones and often overlooked in their boisterous family. “How’s your work? Still teaching and DJing?”

  “Of course. I talked to Mom a few days ago. I would have told you guys if I’d made any big changes.”

  “Hmm.” His father eyed him. “I don’t know. You keep things close to the vest.”

  Cam smirked. “And where did I get that from?”

  Frank looked
sheepish. “I suppose you do take after me a bit. More than the red hair, anyway.”

  “Yeah, a bit,” Cam agreed. “But everything’s great at school. I took the fifth graders on a field trip to Lincoln Center to see the philharmonic play.”

  “Ha. Must have been interesting wrangling them during a performance.”

  Cam grinned. “Thankfully, the school requires plenty of chaperones, and there are some great parents.”

  “Yeah, your mom always said that made all the difference for her.”

  “The kids have an end-of-the-year concert of their own coming up soon,” Cam added. “So that’s keeping me busy. And I’m still DJing. I’ve picked up a few extra gigs, and that’s nice.”

  His father frowned. “You need the money?”

  “No, I’m doing fine,” Cam hastened to say. He didn’t want his father thinking he needed help. “The gigs are fun, and the extra money gets split between savings and a few splurges.” He’d bought a few nicer pieces of clothing that weren’t for school so he didn’t look quite so thrift-store dressed when he went out with Jesse. “But I’m being financially responsible, I promise.”

  “Good. Glad to hear it.”

  They were silent for a moment, and Frank leaned down and tweaked Daniel’s foot. He scowled up from where he sprawled on the floor on a pillow and pulled his earbuds out of his ears. “What?”

  “Is your homework done?”

  “Um. No?”

  “Then I guess you’d better do it. I warned you not to wait until the last minute. What did you do yesterday?”

  “I got some of it done,” Daniel said, brushing his shaggy blond hair off his forehead. “And, come on, I want to hang out with Cam. I never get to see him.”

  “You’ve been on your phone with your earbuds in all night,” Frank said, sounding exasperated. “I wouldn’t call that quality time with your brother.”

  Trying to stave off the inevitable power struggle between his teenage brother and his father, Cam intervened. “Why don’t you get your work done now, Dan? I’m nearly done teaching for the year, and I’ll have extra time. You can come to Brooklyn and hang out with me for a day or two after school’s out for both of us.”