Irreplaceable (Harmony)

by Angela Graham

  With a scrunched face, I grimaced at the throb in my chest as I threw my legs off the side of the bed; it wasn’t from my bruised ribs, but my angry heart. I didn’t want to miss him. I didn’t want to feel any of these complex and infuriating emotions tormenting me.

  The rising sun shining through my bedroom curtains brought a frown to my lips. It was the time of morning I’d usually be out for a jog. Even in the coldest winters, I never skipped my morning exercise. But that wasn’t an option now, and no amount of charming endearments, fancy flowers, or free meals would change that. Yet there was no denying Logan cared in a way that taunted me. But was it enough?

  After watching him walk away, I was even more torn. I wished he could give me more time—allow me to come to him when I was ready.

  With a tightening grip on the robe I’d flung on, I shuffled to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of orange juice. The plastic bottle of pain pills sat on the table, but the dull ache was manageable enough, so I decided to go without. A little pain was better than spending another day heavy headed from the side effect of fatigue they caused.

  The sun was making its way up and the cool morning air leaked in from the old windows, further energizing my renewed spirit. It was a new day and the beginning of a new week, and I was ready to start taking advantage of a fresh start.

  Enjoying the freedom of my own house so early in the morning, I heard a honk sound from outside. It was none of my business, but I couldn’t help myself as I approached the front window and pulled back the curtain with one hand, holding my juice in the other. I beamed at the snow covering the ground, nearly a foot deep. My driveway sat empty. No car to warm up or scrape ice away from...no, my car sat in a junkyard somewhere, demolished.

  The thought brought a sigh through my downturned lips, which grew deeper when I noticed movement in Logan’s driveway. My attention was diverted back to why I was staring outside to begin with. I assumed he was heading to work, and part of me hoped he wouldn’t stop over as he said he would. It was going to take more than a few days apart to flush him from my system.

  What I wasn’t expecting, however, was what I saw when I leaned in a little closer to the glass: he wasn’t alone. Craning my neck every which way to get a better angle, I pressed my nose against the cold window, my breath fogging it up. I squinted to see beyond the snow-covered shrubs separating us and caught sight of a woman standing in front of him.

  My stomach dropped, the death grip on my juice glass nearly bursting it into tiny shards as an unexpected surge of fury coursed through my veins. Logan stood beside a sleek black SUV, laughing with the unfamiliar woman. Her short, dark hair was cut into a sloping bob, but that was about all I could make of her appearance other than the skintight jeans she wore with a form-fitting, snow-white coat.

  My mouth lacked enough moisture due to my gaping, and thus swallowing proved futile. I stood there, unblinking, zoned out until the woman leaned in, embracing him in an all-too-comfortable and lingering hug followed by a kiss on his cheek.

  I dropped the curtain and stepped back, struggling to control the jealousy festering in my heart and seeping into my wounds. I’d made it clear the previous night that he stood no chance, and he’d finally listened. That was that. Logan was the same guy he’d always been—quick to jump into bed with the first woman who looked his way. I knew it was bound to happen, but it still stung.

  I wasn’t worth fighting for, after all, and I was right to hold onto the fact that he wasn’t going to change for some small-town kindergarten teacher.

  The walk back to the kitchen was nothing more than a fog-induced trance. I dumped the remainder of my orange juice down the drain. Then something, most likely my self-preservation switch, clicked.

  I was stronger than I ever thought possible—Logan had said so himself, though I didn’t need to hear it from him to know it was true.

  A soft knock rattled my front door as well as my thoughts, pulling me away from the melancholy breaking my spirit as quickly as it had recovered.

  Through the peephole, I was met with the brilliant smile and scruff jaw of the infuriating neighbor I couldn’t dismiss. I was sure he’d had a hell of good night with Miss Too Tall for Her Own Good, so what did he want with me?

  I cringed. The fact that he was standing on my doorstep before eight in the morning after a tryst just further alluded to his disreputable nature.

  Resolute to keep things civil, I cracked open the door just enough to see him. Cocking my head to the side, I outstretched a hand, holding it against the frame to block any chance he had at entering. If he so much as touched me after that bimbo had her claws on him, I was certain I’d either scream or knock him in the mouth; possibly both, with the way I was feeling—thoroughly disgusted.

  “Good morning,” he said with such tenderness that my backbone began to waver. “I hope you slept well. My night was…exhausting.”

  That definitely didn’t help his case, and my heart took offense. It stiffened my body, reinforced my grip, and challenged my will to keep my reply civil. He must’ve seen the irritation in my set frown, because his brows lowered in thought before he spoke further. Was he going to pretend last night never happened?

  “I shouldn’t have left angry. I’m sorry. It’s only been a week since you’ve been home.” He ticked his head to the side, watching me stand there, giving nothing away before he sighed. “I know I have to give you more time…believe me, I‘m trying, but it’s just so damn hard. I’m not sure what to do anymore. This is all new to me, to…to feel this need for you.” His voice strained with the weight of what he was trying to say. “I feel helpless…not being able to fix this. Make it right.”

  The walls surrounding my heart began to shudder and shake, and it took everything I had to keep it hidden.

  “Mm-hmm,” I replied, my lips clamped together tightly.

  His pained eyes searched mine. “You have to give me something to hold onto, sweetheart…a reason to keep fighting when you repeatedly push me away.”

  I’m here! I wanted to shout out to the world. Wait for me, please, but I stood silent, terrified. How had I become so weak? Seeing him with that woman had pushed me over the edge. He’d want more than I could ever give him, so it was for the best if he walked away. Better to get out now before it was too late.

  He nodded after a long, silent pause.

  I hated him for bringing me so low, for creating a storm of brewing rage deep in my soul. I hated myself for wanting to take him in my arms and kiss him until I forgot. I had to fight through it to find a way to get him off my porch.

  Finally, I opened my mouth and swallowed the rough lump that had formed, speaking in a soft voice. “I was about to take a shower, and though you seem to think that’s our new thing, I prefer to do it alone. Goodbye.”

  “All right. I understand, and I can’t say I blame you.” His voice was a quiet rumble, his eyes downcast. “But I tried. I wanted you then, and I want you now….to love you and take care of you….but I can’t keep waking up every day feeling like shit for something I didn’t mean…something I can’t take back.” His eyes grew hard, staring straight through me now.

  My teeth had dug so far into my bottom lip to silence the quivering forcing its way out that they nearly drew blood. He was hurting, but so was I, and it was exactly why this was for the best. We’d only hurt each other again. I didn’t want to give him hope if there was none to take. He needed to move on.

  I began to shut the door when his hand flew out, holding it open.

  “I have to go out of town for a meeting. I tried to have it rescheduled, but it’s important that I go.”

  “Then have a good day at work, Logan.” My words were monotone, needing him to leave before I lost my resolve. I added a little smile to pull off the convincing performance…to let him leave not knowing my pain matched his.

  The tension in his broad shoulders grew visibly stiff. His jaw clenched, working under the skin until he spoke again, his eyes boring into mine.
r />   “If I leave here right now with no word from you that we ever have a chance…then I’m done. I won’t come back. I’ll move on, like you asked.”

  That was how much he cared? A week’s worth of his time, and then he gives up? That wasn’t love. Not to me.

  The disturbing bite in his tone brought me back, and I released my sore bottom lip.

  “Goodbye, Logan.”

  His expression hardened, a vein bulging in the side of his neck pulling my gaze from the tight frown marring his beautiful features as I held strong. It only took a brief moment until he turned on his heel and stalked down my front steps, cutting through the lawn to his house.

  There was no stopping the waterworks that came when I slammed the door and fell to the floor, curling into a trembling ball. It was over. I wanted him out of my life, and now he was. If only I didn’t feel like my entire world was falling further into pieces.

  By the time the clock struck ten that night, I’d called Hilary over to distract me from myself. We were sitting crossed-legged on my living-room floor, a deck of cards in hand and two empty wine bottles beside us. She was going to regret it in the morning, but the weather man had called for an overnight snowstorm and she was convinced school would close down the next day.

  “That is not a full house!” I exclaimed, bending forward to examine the cards she’d laid out. “Right? I mean…no, that’s a…”

  My head flew back as laughter broke out, followed by a sudden hiccup. My hand flew over my chest as I sucked in my lips, willing my giggling to cease.

  “Yes it is! There is a—” She looked up from her cards she’d laid on the carpet, then quickly swooped them back into her hand. “Shit!”

  “I’m out,” I said, dropping the cards and rolling to my side, stretching out my legs. She did the same, her hand under her cheek propping her up, facing me. We officially sucked at poker.

  “It’s been over three weeks since the night of the accident. Eventually, you’ll have to talk about what happened. You know that, right?”

  Her voice was kind and gentle, but it still stung my heart. I was ashamed to tell her how Logan’s feelings for me were so different from my own.

  I mimicked her position and smiled, changing the subject. “So, did Caleb enjoy the Bond-girl look you had going on?”

  With a slight pout to her lip, she conceded.

  “Fine, we can talk about Caleb, but I’m not going to stop hounding you until I hear at least the Cliffs Notes version of New Year’s. I need to know if I should be ashamed for being Team Logan.” She tilted her head slightly, gauging my stoic emotions. “Should I? ‘Cause I really like the guy, and it’s obvious he genuinely cares about you.”

  Desperate for Logan’s name to vanish from my ears, I asked the unthinkable that I knew she’d been waiting to gush about. “So, Caleb…what’s he like in bed?”

  She chuckled and dipped her head down, then looked back at me, grinning. “Amazing. Mind-blowing. Toe curling. I have never screamed so loud in my life. And the way he’s so eager to ensure I never leave bed unsatisfied…well, let’s just say I’m madly in love with the man. It’s better than I ever dreamed it could be.”

  I lay there resting my head on my arm and watching her talk, her eyes bright and face glowing as she filled me in on the little romantic gestures he did for her: the way he opened doors, held her hand, and never went to sleep without telling her he loved her. How did all that happen so soon? Logan and I met at the same time Caleb came back, and we were so far away from having any of that.

  Hilary had it so easy. Caleb adored her, and anyone could see that. Logan, on the other hand, adored sex.

  “We’re out?” I asked, sitting up and shaking the empty bottles.

  Hilary stood and reached for her phone on the coffee table. “Good thing Caleb has the hookup.”

  “The hookup?” I laughed.

  “Yep, and he’s going to make sure we have everything we need tonight.” As she spoke, her fingers slid over the phone, texting. “Done. Reinforcements are on their way.”

  “Tequila or the house special? Pick your poison. And if you so much as hint to Logan that I brought these over, I’ll be sure no one in this town makes you a grilled cheese again,” Caleb threatened with a half-serious smile as he stood at my door an hour later.

  Giddy at seeing my favorite wine in his hand, I snatched the bottle and pulled him in for a quick hug, then grabbed the other bottle.

  “Didn’t realize you were a drinker.” Luke appeared smiling beside Caleb, his eye flicking from me to the bottles I was clutching way too tightly.

  “What can I say? I was feeling a celebration was in order. It’s my first day off painkillers.”

  “Wow, already? I thought the doctor said it would be a few more days before you—”

  “I’m fine, and right now, instead of feeling like my ribs are going to explode through my chest or my leg is being dug into, I only feel warm and fuzzy.”

  “Leave the girl be,” Caleb interrupted, saving me from a big-brother speech as they walked inside.

  “Finally!” Hilary was wrapped around Caleb before I even closed the door behind them.

  “There’s my girl,” Caleb whispered into her lips as they kissed. Hilary’s hands dipped to his waist and didn’t stop until she had a firm grip on his ass.

  “I would say get a room, but would prefer it not be in my house.” I shook my head, sobering and not liking it.

  “I’m a little drunk,” Hilary giggled, holding up her thumb and pointer finger to show how much.

  “I can see that.” Caleb chuckled and placed a kiss on the tip of her nose.

  Having seen too much, I headed to the kitchen for a glass.

  “You do realize those lovebirds are not going to quit anytime soon, right?” Luke said, following me.

  “Oh, well. I’m happy for them.” I downed the glass I filled, then poured some more.

  “Yeah, you look absolutely thrilled.”

  I glared at him but my lips betrayed me, pulling into a smile as I downed the second the glass. I said nothing else, instead filling a glass for Hilary, and walked back out.

  “No thanks. Caleb wants to take me for a ride in his car.” She leaned in. “Actually I’ll be doing the riding,” she whispered all too loudly.

  I laughed. “Well, have fun, I guess.”

  Fantastic. Now I was going to be stuck home alone with no one to drink with. I barely drank in general, let alone by myself.

  Her smile dropped, teeth tugging on her bottom lip. “No,” she said, her eyes downcast. “That would make me a shitty friend. We’ll stay. I can wait to get him alone.”

  I shook my head, smiling. “Go! Have fun. It’s all right, really.”

  “You’re sure? We can stay.”

  “Goodbye.”

  Hilary threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly. “I promise I’ll make it up to you,” she whispered. I nodded and watched her flutter back to Caleb, her hands diving into his back pockets as her lips met his cheek.

  “I’m not getting in that car,” Luke stated from behind me.

  Hilary stuck her tongue out at Luke playfully, then jumped up on Caleb’s back.

  “We won’t do a thing till I get you home. Promise,” Caleb said, looking back at his brother.

  “Not falling for that again. My ass is not getting anywhere near that car while you two are in it,” Luke said, making a face.

  I swatted my hands at Caleb to go. Hilary waved with one hand, the other around his neck. As they walked out, I noticed his hands holding her ass to stabilize her on his back were already getting friskier by the second.

  Yeah, they could leave. My night didn’t need to include watching a make-out session. When I turned to walk to my couch, Luke was already comfortable on it, leg resting over his knee, drink in hand.

  “I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t get in that car for a while if I were you.” We both chuckled, and I slid down beside him. “You can crash here if you promise to be a good d
rinking buddy tonight.”

  He thought it over. “Fine, but I have two demands.”

  “Shoot.”

  “First, I have to say that for the record, I do not condone you drinking away your issues. And secondly, I want to hear what you know about Logan’s sister.”

  I laughed, pretending I didn’t hear the one name I couldn’t stand. “Deal.”

  Chapter Nine

  Snow Angels

  Midnight had come and gone and still the music blared, rumbling through the house. Cards were thrown over my dining-room table, and the alcohol was gone. My plan to forget all about my troubles was going off without a hitch, aside from the maddening pang in the corner of my heart I had trouble ignoring.

  Logan had already moved on. Why did that hurt so much? One minute I couldn’t stand him, and the next, I needed him.

  I lifted the bottle, staring at it as if I could will it to refill. No luck. Luke sat across from me with the last of the tequila in hand, staring out the window.

  “Hey!” he complained when I snatched the bottle.

  “Come on, let’s build a snowman.” I stood, wobbling to the back door.

  “A snowman?” His eyes were glazed over when I looked back at him, grabbing a sweatshirt from the chair beside me. I giggled as he stared past me, confused and completely trashed.

  “Uh-huh. You know, three balls and some twigs. Hmmm…carrots, and what else…” I pulled the hoodie over my thermal that I wore with dark-wash jeans and grabbed my boots.

  He burst out laughing, head thrown back, but I was serious. I hadn’t made a snowman since I was a child, and I was desperate to go outside and enjoy the snowfall.

  My thick winter coat wasn’t around, or at least within viewing distance to call out to me, and I was too far gone to process just how cold it would be that late at night in mid-January. Shoving my feet inside my tall suede boots, I was ready to go. He stood and pulled on his coat and gloves and ambled past me, holding open the door.