Throwaway

by Heather Huffman

  The baby made her ravenously hungry despite her mood, so she ventured out to stock the refrigerator when necessary. Other than that, she allowed herself the right to simply exist as she grieved.

  Vance and Harmony drifted in and out of her thoughts, but the pervading memory was that of Gabe. And then there came a day when she realized that her thickening waist no longer fit comfortably in her clothes and she must either go naked or venture out into the world for more than groceries.

  She grudgingly showered, noting for the first time that her blonde hair was rapidly fading to its natural golden brown. That brought a little smile to her face—she hadn’t seen her own hair color in a long time.

  “Wow—how long was I out?” Jessie muttered to herself when she felt the nip in the wind. The trees had completely shed their leaves. Jessie wasn’t sure what day it was; although she was fairly certain it was November.

  To her consternation, the Wal-Mart parking lot was empty, as was the town square. Jessie frowned, wondering what she was missing. She parked the Plymouth on the square and got out to walk. She was tired of her apartment and the brisk air felt good.

  A movement in Ma’s Diner caught her eye; it seemed to be the one place in town open.

  “Afternoon,” an older gentleman with graying hair and square glasses greeted Jessie when she stepped inside.

  “Hello,” she smiled tentatively, looking around the empty diner. “Where is everyone?”

  “Not many people out and about on Thanksgiving,” he responded kindly.

  “Thanksgiving… really?”

  “You sound about like me,” he smiled and set a menu in front of her. “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “Coffee… no, wait… hot chocolate.”

  “You sure?”

  “I want coffee, but it’s bad for the baby,” she sighed. She really could use the coffee.

  “Congratulations, then,” he handed her a steaming mug of cocoa. “So, what brings you to Ma’s on Thanksgiving?”

  “I guess I lost track of time. I’ve been a bit of a recluse lately.”

  “I know the feeling. I was supposed to have Thanksgiving dinner with my daughter and her family, but I just couldn’t do it. Bless her soul; she’s just so… determined to be cheerful.”

  “Don’t have much use for cheerful, either,” Jessie commiserated. “My name’s Jessie, by the way.”

  “Milo,” he shook her outstretched hand. “But most folks call me Ma.”

  “Interesting,” Jessie mused. Now she understood why he wasn’t in the mood for giving thanks. He’d lost his son recently.

  “You been in town long?”

  “A few months.”

  “Surprised I haven’t seen you around. Small town.”

  “Like I said, I’ve been a bit of a hermit.”

  “You the girl that paid for your rent up front?”

  “Word does travel.”

  “Most folks think you’re on the run from the law.”

  “You can set their minds at ease—I’m just mourning a love lost. Eventually I’ll get around to starting a new life, I guess.” Jessie didn’t see the need for telling him she’d be on the run from something much worse than the law if they knew she was alive. Come to think of it, the law could be looking for her, too, and she just didn’t know it.

  “I’ll be sure to pass the word along,” he nodded. “And I’m sorry to hear.”

  “Was the outlaw story more interesting?” she teased, unwilling to think about Gabe.

  “We have our fair share of good outlaw stories,” he smiled.

  “So I’ve heard,” a sad smile played upon her lips.

  “You know Jesse James settled here after he faked his death.”

  “I saw the initials at Honeybranch.”

  “Did you, now? Not many people get into Honeybranch these days.”

  “I think his life is fascinating. I wonder what happened to the daughter.”

  “Same thing that happens to most women in these parts—she married a local boy and had a passel of kids,” he chuckled. “You certainly have done your homework on local lore.”

  “The stories are what drew me here.”

  “Any idea what you’re going to do now that you are?”

  “None whatsoever,” she frowned. “I am sick of being in my apartment. I know that much.”

  “You could always work here. Beth’s been after me to hire some help for a while now.”

  “Really?” Jessie sat up a little straighter. The idea had appeal—she liked this man. There was something comforting in his kind chuckle.

  “Sure,” he smiled. “How about Saturday and Sunday mornings and a couple of afternoons through the week?”

  “That would be nice,” she agreed enthusiastically. It would be good to be around people again. After all, what good was her new freedom if all she did was hide in a dark little apartment?

  “Why don’t you come in this weekend to bus tables and learn the ropes? Say, 5:00 Saturday morning?”

  Jessie nearly choked. “Huh. Could be interesting. Not sure I’ve ever seen that particular time of day. Not on purpose anyway.”

  With another chuckle, Milo poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down next to Jessie at the counter. They whiled away the next few hours talking about anything and nothing in particular. At some point, Milo produced a deck of cards.

  “Do you play Rummy?” he asked.

  “Five-card draw?” she countered, visions of those last days with Spence flickered in her mind.

  Milo nodded his approval and started shuffling the deck. Eventually she called a halt to the game to order dinner before heading home.

  “You know what? I had a good day today,” she informed the Plymouth as she turned the ignition. “I think we’ve made our first friend.”

  Maybe there was something wrong with a person who would talk to a car, but it was the closest she could come to talking to Gabe. Who knows, maybe he heard her, wherever he was.

  She flipped on the television to fill the apartment with sound and fell asleep on the couch, her fingers toying with the brim of Gabe’s cowboy hat.

  The next morning she battled the Christmas shoppers because she needed clothes to wear. It didn’t bother her to be the one person in the store with no one to buy presents for, but she was aware of it. She’d bought Harmony a fancy leather portfolio the year before because it seemed like a good gift for a smart person. That was the first gift she’d given anyone since she was five, so it wasn’t exactly a hard habit to break.

  She also bought herself an alarm clock while she was at the store. The new clock proved its mettle when it roused her at four o’clock in the morning the next day. She was inordinately proud of herself for showing up at Ma’s before he did.

  “You the new girl?”

  “That’s me,” Jessie recognized the waitress from her first venture into the little diner. She offered a hand. “Jessie.”

  “Good to meet you, Jessie. I’m Beth.”

  Jessie followed Beth inside, glad to be in out of the nippy morning. She did her best to be helpful, but felt mostly useless as the proficient waitress went about her morning routine.

  “Morning, ladies,” Milo called as he entered.

  Both women said their hellos, Jessie a little more enthusiastically than Beth.

  “I suppose I’ll be expected to decorate for Christmas, now,” Milo grumbled, noting that his neighbors had apparently decked their establishments out overnight. “Do you know anything about decorating for Christmas?” He looked at Jessie expectantly.

  “Red and green, right?”

  “I don’t believe you two,” Beth tsked her disapproval. “Decorating for Christmas is supposed to be fun.”

  “I’m sure I can figure it out,” Jessie assured him, ignoring Beth’s admonishment.

  “After the morning rush, you mind sticking around to help decorate?”

  “Gladly,” Jessie really was glad for an excuse to stay longer.

  “Would y
ou ladies like some breakfast?” Milo offered.

  “You’ve never fed me breakfast before,” Beth huffed.

  “I’m offering you some breakfast now,” he scowled. “Do you want it or not?”

  “I ate oatmeal before I came in,” she grumbled.

  “No thank you,” Jessie was afraid to accept his offer under the weight of Beth’s glare.

  “Suit yourself, then,” he sighed. “Guess we’d better open up shop.”

  The customers trickled in at first, but the place was soon bustling with activity. Jessie worked hard to keep up with the constant stream of dirty dishes. She was exhausted and thoroughly disgusted by the time the breakfast rush abated, but she felt strangely exhilarated. When Milo smiled approvingly at her, she flushed with pride.

  Milo gave her some cash and instructions to get what she needed to “Christmas the place up.” Jessie wondered where his Christmas decorations were from the previous year, but didn’t ask.

  The diner got a little pop of business around lunch, but it was more of a slow, steady stream of people than the madhouse of morning. By one o’clock, the place was pretty calm again and Milo was nosing through the bags Jessie had brought back from the store.

  “I thought you decided not to decorate for Christmas anymore last year when you threw everything out,” Beth reminded him as she sat and sipped on a Coca-Cola.

  “I did, but you’ve been nagging me since Halloween. I couldn’t take another month of it.”

  The gentle ribbing continued as the three of them sorted through the decorations. The women began hanging garland while Milo got them all a bowl of chili for a late lunch. Beth took off afterwards, but Jessie stuck around to help Milo put the finishing touches on the décor.

  She handed the mistletoe up to Milo, who was perched precariously on a stool to hammer a nail above the door. She couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Gabe walking through that door, pulling her into a rakish kiss under the mistletoe. That seemed like something he would have done.

  “You miss your man?” Milo read the look on her face.

  “Very much,” her throat constricted instantly at the emotion. “How are you doing?”

  “That boy was a pain in the ass. Never did what he was told. But I miss him—he was a good man. Always helping people, you know?”

  “I do,” she nodded.

  “You must be tired,” he paused to consider her. “I didn’t work you too hard today, did I?”

  “Are you saying I’m fragile?” she arched an eyebrow and pinned him with her gaze.

  “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he held his hands up in surrender. “But the second shift’ll be coming in soon. You might as well head home.”

  “Oh. Okay. Tomorrow morning, then?”

  “Bright and early,” he patted her shoulder affectionately.

  Jessie gathered her things from the back, sliding her coat on as she walked out the door. The cold smacked her in the face as soon as she stepped into the biting wind. Missouri winters could be unforgiving affairs.

  She sat in the Plymouth for a few minutes, holding her hands in front of the heater periodically to test for warmth before tucking her arms back around herself. Eventually she deemed it warm enough to drive and headed over to Wal-Mart. It was her second time in the store in as many days, but this time she was here to wander the Christmas aisles.

  It had occurred to her as she hung garland that like it or not, the world was going to continue to turn without Gabe in it. She had to make a life for herself if she was going to be any kind of a mother. There seemed no better place to start than by decorating her apartment for Christmas.

  She took her time in picking out just the right garland and ornaments. It brought back memories of stringing popcorn garland last year with Harmony. The two women had stayed up late into the night, eating as much popcorn as they strung and listening to Christmas music. On a whim, Jessie tossed a Christmas CD in her cart after a packet of gold ornaments.

  When she’d filled her cart with Christmas cheer, she stopped by the baby aisle to stare at the little sleepers. It still didn’t seem real. She ran her fingers over a fuzzy, yellow and white sleeper with ducks on it. It was so tiny. After a brief debate, she put that in her cart too.

  Once she had everything unloaded, Jessie contented herself to putter around her apartment, sipping apple cider and decking out her home. Her favorite decoration was the Santa statue by the door. It was kitschy, but cute. Kind of like a garden gnome. She realized halfway through putting together the Christmas tree that she’d begun to talk to her stomach. It made her feel less alone. By the time she sank into bed that night, she was so tired her legs felt like putty, but she was also happier than she’d been in a long while.

  Waking up at four o’clock in the morning was slightly more difficult on day two. Still, she managed to be there and functional shortly after Beth arrived to unlock the door. She’d settled into a steady rhythm by the time the breakfast rush was in full swing. At a quarter to ten, the general din stopped suddenly with the entrance of an attractive brunette in her mid-forties. There was something in her air to be reckoned with as she marched through the diner to the kitchen, heads turning in her wake.

  Jessie hesitated to follow the woman into the kitchen, but the desperate need for clean spoons drove her through the doors. Besides, the large open windows on the kitchen meant they had little privacy anyway.

  “Jessie – would you order your father around like a child?” Milo demanded as Jessie tried to be invisible.

  “I never knew my father,” she shrugged.

  “You’re no help. Tell you what, why don’t you go to church with my daughter—she’s determined to save a soul.”

  “Gotta get these spoons to Beth,” Jessie darted back out the door before she could be corralled into anything. She had nothing against church per se, but it would be embarrassing if she was struck down for crossing the threshold.

  “Jessie—coffee mugs,” Beth called as soon as the spoons were in place.

  Jessie took a deep breath and dove back into the kitchen just as the woman was informing Milo “You can’t be mad at God forever.”

  “I’m not mad really,” Milo buttered some toast. “More like lodging a formal complaint.”

  “Well, while you’re lodging your complaint, your grandchildren are missing you,” the woman crossed her arms as Jessie ducked back out the door.

  “Plates,” Beth called out no sooner than the mugs were set down.

  “How did you people survive before I came along?” Jessie muttered, venturing back into the kitchen for plates.

  “Will you at least come to dinner?”

  “Alright, alright. Dinner.”

  Jessie scurried back out of the kitchen, grateful when the woman left. Milo was surly after that, so Jessie avoided him carefully.

  “Grandchildren miss me… not likely,” he informed the French toast as he flipped it. “I bet she has to pay them to stick around for dinner tonight.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Jessie melted into the couch as soon as she got home. Every piece of her hurt, but the day had passed so quickly it was worth it. Customers at the diner were beginning to chat with her as she bussed tables. For the first time in her life, she felt like the average person could see her. She was no longer an invisible member of society.

  She wondered if Jesse James ever worried about his new neighbors finding out his past. More and more, she thought about what life had been like for the granddaughter who was never acknowledged. She wondered what kind of person could throw away a kid like that. Really, the more pressing question was whether or not a throwaway kid could make good in the end.

  “No one’s ever going to toss you aside,” she told the bump in her stomach. Maybe it was the desire to make good on that promise that prompted her to look up the nearest family clinic. The book she’d checked out from the library told her she was in her second trimester now and well past the time for scheduling her first prenatal checkup.

/>   She found herself inexplicably nervous when the time for the exam actually arrived, and equally relieved when it was over with and they had both been pronounced healthy. Armed with a printout of her newly-scheduled doctor’s appointments, she realized just how glad she was to have a job now. Even at a subsidized clinic, having a baby uninsured was bound to be expensive. She wondered if there would be anything left when it was all said and done, but there was no sense worrying about that at this stage in the game.

  Time flew by since Milo always seemed to have an excuse for her to be at the diner when he was. She enjoyed his odd mix of cranky and kind, taking great pleasure in teasing him as much as he did her. It wasn’t long until the two were fast friends.

  So it really shouldn’t have surprised Jessie the day she walked into work to find the diner decorated with streamers and balloons. “Happy Birthday Jessie” adorned a banner across the far wall.

  “Surprise!” a dozen people called when she opened the door. Tears sprang to her eyes and she did a quick u-turn back onto the sidewalk where she gulped in the cold air.

  “Jessie,” worry etched Milo’s face as he joined her outside. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’ve never had a birthday party before,” she admitted, flames spreading across her face.

  “Oh,” he seemed surprised by that. “Not sure if we can live up to the pressure of being your first party, but why don’t you come give us a try?”

  She let him tuck her hand in the crook of his arm, following him shyly back into the little restaurant. Jessie almost bolted when an enthusiastic cheer went up as they reentered the room, but Milo tightened his grip until she relaxed.

  “I never figured you for being such a frightened little bird,” he winked.

  “Is that the cranky old man equivalent of calling me a chicken?”

  “Something like that.”

  “Fine, I’ll go enjoy myself.”

  “Thatta girl.”

  “And Milo… thank you.”

  She made the rounds, chatting with the people she had come to call her friends over the past few weeks. As happy as she was to see a woman her own age who was pregnant, she was glad when Beth interrupted her chat with the family from Tumbleweed Ranch to cut the cake. There was such adoration on Hailey’s face when she spoke to her husband; it was almost more than Jessie could bear to watch.