The Time Travelling Taxman Series Box Set

by Rachel Ford

  “I don’t know.” Nancy was glancing around. The campsite seemed untouched, exactly as they’d left it. “It felt…well, it felt like when we used the Futureprise device.”

  “I know. That’s what I thought too.”

  “But…everything’s exactly like we left it.”

  He nodded slowly. The tent was still filled with water. A pot of coffee was burbling away on the cookstove. It does all seem- “Nance?”

  “Yeah?”

  “It’s not exactly the same. Look at our bed.” The duffel bag was gone. Or, more accurately, it was still on the floor, where he’d found it a few minutes ago.

  “You think…we went back in time a few minutes?”

  “It can’t have been too long,” he observed. “The coffee is on.”

  “Good point. It would have to be sometime between when I put the coffee on and you moved the duffel bag.”

  He nodded slowly. “I think I pressed the stupid button when I went to hand it to you. At least-”

  A voice, high and sharp, sounded behind them. “What in the hell? Hey, get out of our tent.”

  Alfred recognized the voice, though it took him a second to place. Turning, bewildered, he asked, “Justin?” Justin Lyon was another analyst from work, and something of Alfred’s personal nemesis. “What are you doing here?”

  Nancy asked at the same time, “What in the hell, Justin?”

  The other man stopped short, though. “Nance? Babe, what are you doing here? I thought you were taking a shower?”

  Alfred wrinkled his nose almost as sharply as she did. “Babe?”

  Confusion spread across Justin’s face. “And Freddo? Dude, what the hell are you doing here? I mean, no offense, but this is supposed to be a romantic getaway for Nance and me. The last thing I want is to see your face.”

  Alfred turned to Nancy, as bewildered as his colleague. “What the hummus?”

  Something like understanding seemed to be spreading over her features, though. “Alfred,” she said, her tone low, “I don’t think we jumped in time. I think we jumped realities.”

  “You mean…we’re in some kind of alternate reality?”

  She nodded slowly. “Check the device, babe. Get us home.”

  Justin, meanwhile, was advancing on the pair of them. As he got close, he extended an arm to wrap around Nancy’s shoulder, and she stepped backward. “Babe, what’s wrong? And…” He frowned, glancing her over, his nose wrinkling as he studied her NASA tee. “Where the hell’d you get that ugly t-shirt?”

  Now, she swatted his hand away. “Don’t touch me.”

  Alfred, meanwhile, was staring at the device, trying to make some sense of the dial. Coordinates dotted its face, but he could make little of them. He’d never had to use this device before. At least, the version of him that had survived hadn’t. There’d been a few alternate versions of him, during the Marvelous comics case who had used the device. But he had never done it.

  Now, he had no idea how. He was just about to ask Nancy when he heard her voice – only, this time, it sounded far away. “Babe, I forgot my shampoo. We didn’t-”

  He glanced up, just in time to see Justin blanch. Another version of Nancy was standing at the end of their campsite. “What in the hell?” Justin gasped, recoiling from the pair of them and retreating to Nancy – the other Nancy.

  “Shit,” his Nance said. “We must have jumped to another dimension. Same time, same place: different reality.”

  There were, he knew, more pressing matters at hand. But, staring at the two alarmed figures from this alternate reality, he found himself consumed with a single concern. “Wait…you mean…you and Justin? There’s a universe where you’re together?”

  Chapter Four

  Nance had grabbed the device from his hands while he stood there, sputtering with horror. Justin and the other Nancy kept their distance for half a minute, and then began to approach, barraging them with a host of questions.

  “Who the hell are you?”

  “How is that possible?”

  “What’s going on?”

  Alfred had his own questions. “Justin? Really, Nancy? You’re sleeping with that dirtbag?”

  His Nance glanced up long enough to ascertain that he wasn’t talking to her, then returned to her work. The poor, tasteless Nancy of this other dimension stared, openmouthed. “Who the hell are you?”

  “It’s that weird guy from work, babe. You know, the one who turned me into HR for hanging too many pictures on the wall?”

  Her eyes widened. “Oh, that asshole.”

  Alfred blinked. “Nance!”

  All of a sudden, light enveloped them; and they were returned a moment later to the familiar detritus of their own campsite, complete with the sodden duffel bag still on their bed. “What just happened?”

  “I got us home,” she answered. “The machine is being stubborn, some of the buttons are sticking. But I got it to take our own time and universe.”

  “So…that was some kind of alternate dimension or something?”

  She nodded. “Yup.”

  “So…you mean…you and Justin…are a thing, somewhere out there?”

  She frowned. “It’s not me and Justin. It’s that other Nancy.”

  He frowned too. “Yeah, but, I mean, she’s you. Right? Nancy Abbot? From a different world, but still the same you.”

  “I have no idea. I mean, she’s obviously different. But I don’t know how different.” She glanced askew at him. “But what are you getting at, Alfred?”

  “Nothing. Just…I mean…I never thought of you and Justin. You always said he creeped you out.”

  “He does. He’s a…well, a creep.” She shook her head. “You’re not seriously worrying about who some alternate reality clone of me is dating, are you?”

  “No, of course not. It’s just…” He couldn’t quite define what he was feeling. It was a blend of consternation and surprise, disgust and…well, maybe a little jealousy.

  “Just?”

  “I don’t know. You’re not…attracted to him, are you?”

  “Jesus, Alfred.” She threw her hands in the air. “Of course not. He’s a creep. I just told you that.”

  “Yeah, but…that other Nancy obviously didn’t think so.”

  “That other Nancy is nuts.”

  “But…she’s you.”

  Now, she crossed her arms. “No, she’s not.”

  “She looked like you.”

  “I don’t care what she looked like. She’s not me. She’s like…” she unfolded her arms to gesture for a moment, as she searched for a comparison. “Mirror Universe me, I guess.”

  This was a reference to Star Trek, a fact that he only knew because Nancy had cajoled him into watching the ‘highlights.’ The Mirror Universe characters were largely evil versions of their prime universe selves. And this, at least, he understood. The Nancy who would date Justin, he thought, must indeed be Mirror Universe Nancy. He nodded. “Alright. Of course. I mean, it’s another dimension. She’s a totally different person.”

  “Exactly.”

  He loosed a breath. “Well…that was…exciting.”

  She laughed nervously. “Good God. Imagine what they’re going to think.”

  “Who?”

  “Mirror Universe Justin and Nancy.”

  “Oh.” He laughed too. “Did you see the look on Justin’s face when he saw that there were two of you?”

  Nancy nodded. “At least we didn’t go anywhere dangerous, or wind up materializing inside a tree, or something like that.”

  He grinned sheepishly. “Guess I better be more careful handling that thing.”

  “Yes,” she agreed. “Who knows if we’ll survive next time.” Then, though, she smiled. “Come on. We might as well drink that coffee. I can smell it from here: it’s ready.”

  Alfred moved to wrap an arm around her as they walked. He felt a little foolish for his comments earlier. It had been a shock, of course, to see that other Nancy with Justin. It probably would
have been a shock to see her with anyone but him. But Justin occupied a special place in his register of turds, so the surprise was a bit more pronounced, mingled in part with horror. Still, it was stupid. None of that had anything to do with his Nance.

  “Let me cook breakfast,” he said. “You made dinner last-”

  He didn’t have time to finish his thought, though. Light and empty noise washed over them again, and they were deposited with a flash in a very familiar campsite. “I didn’t press anything that time,” Alfred protested.

  “Me either,” Nancy agreed. “What the hell’s going on?”

  He glanced around their site. It was dry and sunny, and though the same green and white tent was pitched in the corner, someone had put up a hammock and stacked a pile of logs at one corner. “We jumped dimensions again,” Nancy groaned. “I don’t know what’s going on. This one-”

  Giggles interrupted them, wafting on a warm breeze from behind the tent. They exchanged glances, and then quietly, gingerly, Alfred crept forward.

  He saw Nancy again, or some other dimension’s iteration of her. She was, he had to admit, very similar to his own Nancy. She was wearing the same t-shirt and jeans, and sporting the same grin she’d turn on him.

  Only this time, there was no Alfred in the picture. On the contrary, she was wrapped in the amorous embrace of Josh Stevenson.

  Alfred felt the color drain from his face at about the same moment his Nance’s cheeks pinked. Josh was Nancy’s ex. At least, in their timeline, he was an ex. In this one, they were clearly still very much an item.

  Very much an item. He felt his stomach turn, and he turned away, ducking out of sight of the pair. Nancy followed, whispering, “Hold on, I’m putting the coordinates back in.”

  He waited, trying to ignore the affectionate murmurings and ridiculous sweet-nothings coming from behind the tent.

  The welcoming light didn’t come soon enough, and it wasn’t quite enough to purge the sounds and sights from his mind. Still, when it receded, he found himself back in their campsite, in their universe.

  “That was…weird,” Nancy said.

  He snorted. “Weird? That doesn’t begin to cover it.”

  She put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey. You know that isn’t me, right? I mean, I can’t control what’s happening in the multiverse.”

  He turned injured eyes to hers. “No,” he said. “But is this the only universe where you and I are actually a couple?”

  “What?”

  He shook his head. “I’m not there with you, in those other ones.”

  “You’re not there at all. Neither am I,” she reminded him.

  “You know what I’m saying, Nance.”

  “I don’t, babe. Those people: they’re not us. What they’re doing doesn’t matter. We’ve got each other.”

  “And what about the Alfreds in those other worlds?”

  “Alfred…you’re not really going to get pissy with me because of what’s happening in other dimensions, are you? I thought we agreed: those are Mirror Universe me. Remember?”

  “Yeah, but this is twice now, Nance.”

  She shook her head, exasperated. “You are, then? You’re going to get mad at me for what someone else in another freaking dimension is doing?”

  “I’m not mad, babe. It’s just…well, that Josh and Nancy looked damned happy.”

  “So what if they were?”

  “What if it’s not just Mirror Universe yous? I mean, they’re all variations on the same universe, right? But at the core, it’s the same thing, just different results.”

  She sighed. “I have no idea. I’m not an expert on alternate universes.”

  “What I’m saying is, on some level, they are you.”

  “What the hell are you getting at, Alfred?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. Just…if it is built on the same base model of you, then you being with Josh and you being with Justin…” He shivered at the memory. “It means there’s some kind of…I don’t know…latent attraction there. Across all the universes.”

  He didn’t mean to say it in such an accusatory fashion. He’d meant to throw it out philosophically. Still, somehow it came out more like an accusation than an observation, as if she had been concealing something from him. And now he’d found her out.

  Nancy, though, crossed her arms and wrinkled her nose at him. “Jesus. Is that what you think?”

  He flinched a little under her gaze, then shrugged. “I mean, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Nance. Attraction isn’t a-”

  He cut short his platitude as he felt himself being transported again. Sugar cookies. They had to figure out how to stop this thing. It was clearly glitching, and sooner or later, that glitch might end up killing them.

  A rush of warmth flooded his senses, and he blinked to let his eyes adjust to a sunny scene. “It’s the same campsite,” he decided.

  “It’s not,” Nancy said. “It might be the same plot, but that’s not my tent.”

  He nodded slowly. The green and white dome they’d set up was replaced by a blue-grey, multi-room unit. A voice from inside that tent called, “Babe, can you get my neck pillow? It’s in the car.”

  He cringed at the sound. “We’re back in the universe with you and Justin,” he said, again more bitterly than he’d meant.

  “No we’re not. That’s not the same tent.”

  He frowned. She was right. “Then, if it’s not…” He trailed off as the answer to his own question appeared from behind a Subaru parked at the end of the site.

  Alfred found himself staring, slack-jawed, at a tallish, dark-haired man with, if he said so himself, reasonable good looks if – in this universe anyway – terrible taste.

  He was staring at himself, or some alternative reality version of himself, anyway. This alternate universe Alfred noticed him at about the same moment, and they stared mutely, mouths agape, at one another.

  Meanwhile, Nancy snorted out a laugh. “Justin? You, and Justin?”

  She seemed to be taking the revelation a lot better than he was. If by better, anyway, he meant with more amusement. He was too astonished, too mortified, to find the situation funny. That any version of him in any universe in any circumstance would partner with Justin Lyon made his skin crawl.

  It was about now that Justin poked his head out of the tent. “What were you saying, Freddie? I didn’t-” The other man cut off, catching site of Alfred and Nancy on the one side, and the other Alfred on the opposite.

  Scrambling out of the tent and toward his own Alfred, he demanded, “What in the hell?”

  “This is hard to explain,” Nancy said, “but we’re from another reality. Like, an alternate universe.”

  “You’re Nancy, right?” the other Alfred asked. “From work? Head of the nerd bunker?” The nerd bunker was the unofficial name for the IT wing of the department. It was unofficial, in that it was what the analysts called the geeks.

  Justin, meanwhile, was wrapping a protective arm around him. “Look, this is insane. Whoever the hell you are, you need to leave. You’re not here for Freddo, are you?”

  “No. Jesus, no,” Alfred answered. “You can keep…Freddo.” He shivered at the use of the name. He despised nicknames, not least of all the ones Justin would assign him. “We didn’t mean to come here. We’ll be on our way in a minute.”

  Justin’s posture relaxed, though he still watched them with unreserved curiosity. “So…alternate dimensions?”

  “Like the Mirror Universe? In Star Trek?”

  Oh God, Alfred thought, staring with disapprobation at his clone. As if hooking up with Justin wasn’t bad enough. But you’re a Trekkie in this universe too, Alfred? How the mighty have fallen indeed.

  “Exactly,” Nancy said. “But not evil.”

  Justin harrumphed. “We’ll be the judges of that, I guess.”

  “We didn’t mean to come here,” she assured him. “Our device just malfunctioned. We’ll be on our way in about two seconds.”

  “Wait,” Ju
stin said. “I have a million questions. How did you two invent something like this?”

  “Is that what you’re doing in the nerd bunker?” Alfred’s disappointing twin wondered. “Running some kind of crazy experiments?”

  “And how did you and Freddo end up a team?”

  “Alfred,” he put in. “It’s Alfred. Not Freddo.”

  Justin’s eyebrows rose. “You’re not…a couple?”

  They glanced at each other and shrugged. “In our universe…yes.”

  “Eww,” both men declared in unison.

  “Oh Freddo.” Justin shook his head. “You’re clearly not the smart twin, are you?”

  “Hey,” Nance and he said, also in unison.

  “Just telling it like it is, sister.”

  Chapter Five

  “Please get us out of here,” Alfred pleaded. Seeing himself, or this mirror version of himself, in the arms of Justin – any Justin – was making him ill.

  “I’m trying, babe. This stupid thing isn’t working.”

  “No, no, no. It can not leave us here. Not in a world where I like Star Trek and Justin.”

  She glanced up, smirking. “What were you saying about latent attraction, now? Justin, huh?”

  “Nance, this really isn’t the time.”

  She shrugged, turning back to the device. “Never figured him as your type, that’s all. And I guess you’ve been holding out on me all this time: you’re really a closet Trekkie.”

  “Alright, alright. You’ve made your point. I’m an imbecile. Now please get us the hummus out of here.”

  Freddo and Justin were watching them, though. “A little trouble with your gadget, Freddo?”

  “Don’t call me that,” he snapped. “My name is Alfred.”

  Justin pulled a face. “You’re the bitchy twin, I guess.”

  “We’re not twins, either. I’m the real thing. He’s some…weird knockoff.”

  Nancy glanced up from frowning at the field generator. “It’s not like there’s an original, babe.”