by Sara Daniell
“Shit won’t be the same without him,” he said while staring at his feet. “God, Ellie. Life shouldn’t be this hard at seventeen.”
I rubbed my arm, warding off the chill from the harsh truth of his words. It shouldn’t be this hard. We had a lifetime of disappointments and heartbreaks ahead of us. This should be the time of our lives. We should be out on a Friday night, making horrible decisions just so we could feel alive. Not mourning our friend’s suicide.
“He wouldn’t want us standing here crying,” Channing said, looking at me. He laughed a little, and a few more tears fell. Out of reflex, I reached up and wiped his tears on my sleeve. He stared at me in shock.
“Sorry, I didn’t…I wasn’t thinking when I did that.” I shoved my hands in my jacket pockets. “And maybe he wants us to be crying together. Maybe he’s trying to tell us all something. We all went to Dillon with our problems, Channing. He was the guy that could make sense of our issues and make us laugh, causing us to forget why we were mad in the first place. Maybe it became too much for him. Or maybe he had deeper issues that none of us gave him the chance to say, because we were always too busy looking to him to fix our problems and make us laugh. I guess we may never know.”
“Even if we knew the reason, it wouldn’t bring him back.”
I nodded. “I know.”
Channing put his hand on my shoulder and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. He smiled a little at me, then walked off to talk to the rest of our friends. I let out a shaky breath and leaned against the truck that was next to me. I wiped my eyes and pulled out my phone. I scrolled through my images until I found the one of Dillon and I making duck lips in the back of his truck. We were both wasted that night, just being us. That was right before I started dating Channing and got too busy for him.
I’d never be able to hear his laugh again. I’d never have his shoulder to cry on again. It killed me knowing that I could never tell him I was sorry for becoming too busy for him. I hoped he knew that I didn’t do it intentionally. I just didn’t know that he’d be gone one day.
I SNEAKED INTO THE house. I didn’t want to deal with Dad or Nancy. I was hopeful that they’d get horrible hours at work soon, so they’d be gone more. I was so emotionally drained that I couldn’t take their petty shit.
I almost made it to my room undiscovered. I stopped when Nancy stepped into the hallway.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you on drugs?” She grabbed my arm and turned me from side to side to observe every inch of my face.
I rolled my eyes. “No. I’ve been crying, you idiot!” Rolling my eyes was the first mistake. But calling her an idiot was a bit over the top. “I just need to go to my room.”
“Is it that Channing kid again? God, Elena, get over that shit. How long are you going to try to milk that shit just to get someone to feel sorry for you!”
My dad came out into the hallway. I looked at him and then pulled my arm from Nancy’s hold.
“I found out my good friend Dillon committed suicide today.”
“Seriously? That’s what you’re upset about? Apparently, he wanted to die. Shit happens, Elena. Get over it!” Nancy shoved past me and went into their room. She shut the door behind her.
Dad opened his arms to me. If I hadn’t need a daddy hug, I would’ve just gone to my room. He hadn’t stuck up for me when Nancy said those hurtful things, but in a moment when I should’ve been pissed at him, I just couldn’t be. I needed a hug, and he was conveniently there. I needed someone to care even if it wasn’t a lot.
I threw myself into his arms and held on. It didn’t matter how angry I was with him. A daddy hug was a daddy hug, and it could heal the deepest of wounds, even if he was the cause of several of them.
THE FUNERAL WAS AS hard as I’d expected it to be. I sat with Alyssa, Channing, and Katie. Sometimes you just had to put drama behind you, no matter how badly someone had hurt you, and just be there for one another. You’d think that you’d react one way in a situation until you’re actually in that situation. If you’d told me before Dillon passed that I’d allow myself to forgive Channing and Katie for the sake of a friend’s death, I would’ve called bullshit and laughed in your face.
“You promise you’re okay?” Tryston asked me. Jane was sitting in his lap. These two were freaking adorable. I could have never pictured them together before, but now I couldn’t picture them apart.
“I’m fine. Really. I’m actually starting to accept that my life is just a big rollercoaster. God didn’t see fit to give me a normal life.”
Alyssa laughed. “Come on, Ellie. Who honestly has a normal life? What’s normal anyway? Who knows?”
I shrugged and took a drink of my Coke. “So, what’s our plans this weekend?”
“No clue. I haven’t talked to Finn at all today. Have you?” Tryston asked, pulling a cigarette from his jacket pocket. Jane lit it for him and then laughed after she took the cigarette from him, getting the first hit.
I smiled at them. “No. I think his uncle has him really busy at the shop or something, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him after school either.”
“Oh. Don’t you two talk a lot during sixth period, though?”
“Usually, but I had a lot of homework today, so I worked on it.”
“Is he still pretending to suck at math, so you’ll help him?” Tryston chuckled.
I scrunched my nose. “What?”
“Okay, he sucks at math for real, but not as bad as he makes out.”
Jane nudged him. “Tryston, don’t. You promised.”
I raised a brow at them. “Promised what?”
“Nothing. Forget I said anything. Jane is right. Finn would be pissed.” Tryston took a hit off the cigarette.
“No, now you have to explain!” I stood, placing both hands on my hips to exaggerate my protest.
Jane and Tryston remained silent.
I gave them both the death stare.
“I’m going to be so pissed if you don’t explain! You can’t say shit like that, and then become a damn mime!” I stomped my foot and crossed my arms in front of my chest. They both laughed at me. I’m sure I looked ridiculous.
“Forget it, Ellie. Really.” Jane laughed some more.
“I’m gonna leave and be pissed for the rest of our lives.”
“You’re so damn dramatic.” Jane rolled her eyes and smiled. “We just think that Finn likes you. Tryston talked to him about it, because he’s been really flirty with you lately, like more than normal, and we assumed.”
“And?” I sat back down.
“And Finn just shrugged it off,” Tryston answered. “He never gave me a direct answer.”
I leaned back. “Oh…” My forehead creased.
Finn didn’t think of me like that. He had made that very clear. But I wasn’t stupid. I knew feelings could change, but if they had for him, wouldn’t he tell me? I laughed to myself. Of course he wouldn’t. He was stubborn as hell and would never admit that he had been wrong about us in the first place.
I wanted to get excited. I wanted so badly to ask Tryston to dig deeper into Finn’s head to find out juicier details. I wanted to talk to Finn myself. But what if Tryston and Jane were wrong? I couldn’t risk our friendship again. We were finally at a good place again.
“I hope that doesn’t make things weird. It was just an observation,” Tryston added. “We’re probably wrong. We usually are when it comes to him. The dude is always surprising us.”
I smiled. “I’m fine. No biggie.” I looked at my phone when a text from Finn came in. Speak of the devil.
Finn: Just checking on you. Are you okay? Do you need my shoulder for a few hours?
Me: No. Lol. Thanks anyway. I’m actually okay today.
Finn: Sorry I just cut out right after school. I know we all usually hang out before work, but I had to hurry up and get to the shop.
Me: I know. It’s fine. Tryston was wanting to know what our plans were this weekend?
Finn: No clue. W
hy don’t you three figure it out and let me know? I’m down for whatever.
Me: Will do.
I looked at Tryston and Jane. “That was Finn. He said for us to decide what to do.”
“Do you work this weekend?” Jane asked me after placing her hand in Tryston’s.
“Nope. I’m actually off all weekend.”
“Do your parents work, or are they home?”
“They work out of town, why?” I asked.
“What if we just hang out at your place? A quiet weekend with just the four of us?” Tryston smiled and pleaded with puppy dog eyes. He knew how I felt about having everyone over. If Dad and Nancy found out, they’d kill me.
“As long as you all help me clean up.” I laughed.
“Really? We could cook for the guys and watch movies. What about staying the night?” Jane asked.
“I guess that’d be fine. Dad will be out of state, and Nancy will be over an hour away all weekend. Like I said, as long as we clean up, I’m fine with it.”
Jane clapped her hands together and smiled. “This is gonna be so much fun!”
FRIDAYS MADE ME NERVOUS now. I kept waiting for something to go wrong, but so far the day was going great. Jane and I were going grocery shopping after school for the slumber party at my house this weekend. Tryston and Finn had told their parents they were staying over at one another’s houses, so they could get away with staying over with Jane and me.
Sixth period rolled around, and Finn was staring at a piece of paper in front of him. I tried to talk to him, but he told me to shhh! so I worked on homework instead. I was about to work on my last math problem when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I looked back and saw a piece of folded paper. I looked over it and saw Finn smiling. He wiggled the paper in my face until I took it.
I turned in my seat and read.
Ellie,
I’ve been thinking a lot about that day at your house when you told me you had feelings for me. I admit, I thought you were crazy and was so confused about how you could see me like that. But now I get it because I feel the way I thought I never could about you.
Don’t get weirded out and avoid me like I did you. It would kill me. I understand if you no longer feel the same way. I can’t believe I’m doing this through a note, but…
Will you go out with me?
Check: _ YES or _ NO
Finn
I stared at the paper in shock and laughed a little. A stupid smile spread across my face. Maybe this was some sort of joke. If I checked yes, and this was a joke, Finn would make fun of me for the rest of eternity. But what if this wasn’t a joke and I checked no? I chewed on the eraser of my pencil while I thought. I peeked over my shoulder at Finn who looked at me once he noticed I was looking at him. I felt my cheeks heat up and knew I was beet red. I turned back around and looked at the paper again.
I wrote the word Maybe after the yes and no and put a line in front of it and a check. I folded up the paper and held it behind my back until I felt it slip from my fingers. When I brought my hand back around, I noticed it was shaking. I was excited, nervous, and downright scared.
If I dated Finn, which was what I’d wanted since the moment I realized I had feelings for him, it could either be great or horrible. What if he hurt me like Channing did? What if I hurt him like Channing hurt me? There were so many what-ifs, but above all, I wanted Finn to be mine. Good or bad, we’d figure it out. I hope.
I felt a tap on my shoulder again. This time, there was no paper, just Finn leaning in close. I turned the rest of the way around and smiled at him. I waited for him to talk first.
“Yes or no, Ellie?” he asked in a serious whisper.
My smile faltered. I was truly scared. I cared about Finn so much, and after almost screwing up our friendship before, I was so afraid to do it again.
“What do you want me to say?” I whispered back.
“I’m hoping for a yes.”
“Seriously?”
He nodded, and his cheeks turned a little red. So cute.
I nodded. “Okay, then. Yes. But I swear if you’re just kidding, I’m going to kill you,” I whispered.
He laughed and shook his head. “Not kidding.”
The stupid grin that Finn had a habit of putting on my face showed up again. “Then I won’t kill you.”
He laughed some more. “We’ll talk more after class. We’re getting dirty looks from the teacher.”
I looked at the teacher and then nodded at Finn. I turned in my seat and touched my stomach. It was full of butterflies. I smiled to myself. Finn was mine. He was finally mine.
AFTER CLASS, I WAS so nervous it was hard to breathe. Do I walk to his next class with him? Or will he walk me to mine? There is nothing more awkward than the first few moments of dating someone. Especially, after being good friends.
Finn waited for me to gather all of my things and put my backpack on. I walked toward the door, and he followed beside me. I chewed on the inside of my cheek as we made our way down the hall.
Say something.
Break the silence, Finn.
“I’m excited for tonight,” he said, bringing his mouth close to my ear.
I shivered. “Me too.” My voice came out strained. My face turned red when I saw the satisfied smile on his face. “What?”
“I’m the cause of those goose bumps on your arm. I hope those are good and not because you’re scared of me.”
I looked down at my arm and laughed. “They’re good.”
I was disappointed when I realized we were at my next class’s door. How did we get here so fast? I was so lost in how Finn was affecting me that it was like I just floated there.
“See you tonight, Ellie.”
I nodded because that was all I could do. The space between us was thicker, and the yearning was stronger than ever. I wondered what would happen when we finally closed the small gap between us. It terrified me in a good and exhilarating way.
“Yeah, tonight.” I smiled.
FINN WAS RUNNING LATE. Jane and Tryston were already over, and the spaghetti Jane and I were cooking was done. Finn said they kept getting customers even after they closed, so it pushed cleaning up the shop back.
I was a nervous wreck.
Do I hold his hand or wait for him to make the first move? God, everything was going to be so confusing. I hadn’t even told Tryston and Jane. I figured Finn would want to tell them together.
I was excited too. I was happy that we were finally going to try us.
I used two fingers to pry open the blinds and peek outside for the twelfth time in the past hour. The last text I’d gotten from Finn was that his phone was going dead.
“Let’s just go ahead and eat. He can just warm his up.” Tryston got up from the couch and went into the kitchen with Jane.
I sat on the couch and rested my chin on my palm. “I’ll wait.”
IT WAS MIDNIGHT AND still no Finn. I was scared something bad had happened to him. I tried calling him and texting him, but there was no answer. I looked over at Jane who was lying on the couch next to Tryston. Tryston was asleep, but Jane was staying up with me while I waited.
“I think I’m gonna go try to find him. It’s not like Finn to just not contact us like this.” I stood and started toward the door. I slid on my Toms and grabbed my keys off the hook.
“I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe he caught up with some of his other friends or something. Finn can be spacey like that.”
I frowned. What Jane and Tryston didn’t know was that when Finn and I decided to officially be a couple earlier today, he’d told me he’d see me tonight, and we’d talk more about everything. He’d told me he was coming after he cleaned up the shop.
“I need to make sure he’s okay. I’ll call you if something goes wrong, okay?”
Jane nodded and rubbed her tired eyes. “Just be careful.”
I drove to Finn’s uncle’s shop first. He wasn’t there. I drove to the Stump and asked if anyone had seen him; none of them had.
After I drove past his house and saw no sign of his truck, I was in full panic mode.
Bad things didn’t happen in our small town, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t. Anything could happen, and it was a Friday night: my own personal doomsday. I was about to go to the police station just to make sure he hadn’t been in a wreck that no one knew about. I honestly didn’t know what else to do.
I had turned toward the highway where the station was when lights flashed in my rearview mirror. I saw Finn’s truck. I pulled onto the shoulder and threw the gear into park, turned off the engine, and burst from my car. To say I was fuming was an understatement.
Finn got out of his truck slowly, but I didn’t change my speed as I advanced toward him. I stopped in front of him, looking up.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I shouted, shoving his shoulder with my hand. “Where have you been?” Tears filled my eyes. I had been worried sick. Finn didn’t just not answer texts like he had tonight unless he was pissed at you.
“My phone is complete trash! But before I explain anything, you need to calm down!”
“Calm down? I just lost one of my friends to suicide, and all I could think about was what if you had a wreck or something! Excuse the hell out of me, but I was worried! Sorry, but I’m not sorry, Finn!”
“I was going to call you, but then I got busy. My uncle needed me to help him with some stuff at his house. I got so busy; I didn’t even think to call. I’m sorry, Ellie. I was about to come over to explain what happened when I saw you driving. Where were you headed anyway?”
I didn’t want to admit that I was freaking out enough to go to the police station.
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. I was just looking for you.” I wiped at my tears. I was an emotional mess. “I’m going home to let Tryston and Jane know you’re alive.”
Finn laughed. “Seriously? Ellie, I’m fine.”