Masters of the Shadowlands 7 - This is who I am

by Sinclair Cherise

  “But…”

  “But I don’t want…want to do what we did. I can’t be like that. I need to be normal.” Her pen scribbled over the hand she’d drawn, blotting it out, each black line adding a fresh slice of hurt.

  “Normal.”

  Tears blurred her eyes at the disgust in his voice. “Yes.”

  “Girl, no one is normal. Even the ones who try to appear that way.”

  “That doesn’t matter. This is—”

  “I understand. All too well.” He paused. “How about I come over and we talk?”

  “There’s no point.” And he’d look at her with those perceptive blue eyes, say her name, and she’d cave. She would. A vise of guilt squeezed the breath from her. She’d do anything to keep from hurting Sam—anything but continue on the path they were going down.

  “I see.” Ice covered the gravel of his voice. “I think you’re wrong, girl, but you’ll find that out yourself.”

  “Yes. Then this is good-b—”

  “Mebbe. Doesn’t sound like you know what you’re doing.”

  She did, didn’t she? “But—”

  He’d disconnected. Well. That was that. As she straightened, she looked down at her paper. Black scribbles had blotted out the flowers and the writing. After pulling in a steadying breath, she started a fresh list.

  The afternoon dragged on and on and on. For the first time, she took no joy in her store, in the customers. I want to go home.

  “Linda, sweetheart.” She glanced up to see Lee halfway to the counter, his suit and tie a marked contrast to the casually dressed beachgoers. His sandy hair had been tousled by the wind, and he finger combed it as he grinned at her. The women customers gave him lingering looks.

  Linda forced a smile. “What are you doing here?”

  “I was in the area.” Lee leaned over the counter to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Are you caught up yet? I want to take you out to dinner.”

  “I…”

  “You know, you’re an incredibly difficult woman to date.”

  “I’m not ready for…for anything, Lee.” She bit her lip. “I know we were…intimate, but I don’t—”

  “No problem. We’ll take it slow. Just dinner. Nothing else.”

  Here was the normal life she wanted. With a nice man. Months ago, when she’d sounded him out about kinky sex, he hadn’t been interested at all, but he hadn’t called her names as Dwayne had. Or implied she was mentally unstable like Frederick.

  If she dated him, he’d keep her on the straight and narrow, and if she had to cope in other ways, she would. Hey, a ton of extra cleaning and exercising wouldn’t be bad. “Then okay. I’d like that.”

  “I’ll pick you up at seven.”

  Everything in her wanted to yell no. Let him in her house where memories of Sam would linger? She couldn’t bear that. Not yet. “How about I meet you at the restaurant?”

  * * * *

  Now would this be considered stalking? Sam frowned. Seemed awfully close to it.

  He’d been on the way to Linda’s house, hoping she’d eased up and they could talk, when he’d spotted her car in a restaurant parking lot.

  He shouldn’t have turned in. Shouldn’t have stopped. Being a fool, Davies.

  As he followed the hostess across the restaurant, he spotted Linda sitting across from a man wearing a suit and tie. Damn, she was beautiful. She’d done that curling thing with her hair. Wore makeup to make her seal-brown eyes even bigger. Her light pink, silky top showed only a hint of cleavage.

  The hostess moved past Linda and her goddamned date.

  “Wait, miss,” Sam said.

  The waitress stopped.

  “I’ll sit there.” He pointed to an empty table near the center of the room, a couple of tables from Linda’s.

  “But that’s not—”

  “Be appreciated.”

  “Uh.” She gave him a flirtatious look. “Of course.”

  “Thank you.” He ignored the chair she pulled out for him and chose one where he had a satisfying view of his quarry. Acting like a stalker, Davies. But the location was good. He couldn’t hear their conversation, but she’d eventually catch sight of him. And then she would have a chance to see if she really wanted a normal life. A normal man.

  If she was jumping into a relationship to flee from herself, that was just damn stupid. But if she seriously wanted Vanilla Boy, Sam would back off.

  After ordering, he leaned back, sipped coffee, and enjoyed the view. Maybe some fools wouldn’t consider her beautiful, but he thought she was stunning. And natural. After the years of Nancy’s fake giggles and shrill hysterics, he appreciated Linda’s open, full-bodied laughter.

  Pissed him off that other men noticed as well.

  And he resented the hell out of the fact that Vanilla Boy could make her laugh. Sam’s jaw tightened. The man had no trouble keeping a conversation going; his words flowed like a flooding river.

  If she wanted a talkative man, then she didn’t want Sam.

  Maybe she’d be happy with that bastard. If so…might as well leave. He lifted his hand for the waitress.

  But Linda didn’t appear sexually interested in the man. When Vanilla Boy reached across the table and took her hand, she displayed no reaction at all. Like she’d closed herself off.

  Sam lowered his hand. She’d definitely reacted to him last night. He’d never felt a connection like that, as if he could smell her emotions as easily as he inhaled her scent. After what she’d been through, the trust she’d shown in him—letting him hold her, spank her, fuck her—had shaken him right to his bones.

  Goddammit. He leaned back and settled in for the duration.

  Eventually Linda’s attention was diverted from the man by a family walking past. She glanced around the room. When her eyes met Sam’s, her mouth dropped open. She stared at him blankly, then tore her gaze away. As she turned all her attention to her date, her jaw muscles were rigid.

  Sam chuckled. She was obviously dying to glare at him but couldn’t because the other guy would ask why.

  Despite her desire to ignore him, her gaze kept flicking in his direction. He understood the feeling; he couldn’t look away from her either. He saw that her cheeks and lips had turned a rose color; her eyes had taken on an added shine. Yeah, she definitely reacted sexually to Sam—as he did to her—as if being in the same room cranked the hormone level higher.

  He tried not to stare at her as he ate his meal. Wasted money, since he might have been eating hay for all he tasted of the food. As he shoved the potatoes to one side, he frowned.

  Was he being a fool? After all, they’d had sex a grand total of once.

  Then again, although he’d dated Nancy a few times, the one time they’d screwed had convinced him to back away. His good sense hadn’t been wrong, but by then it was too late. “I’m on the pill” wasn’t the first of her lies but had the biggest impact. One that left him living in hell for over a decade—except for the bright light of his daughter. He could never regret the gift of Nicole.

  So when it came to Linda, could his judgment be relied on? Well, he’d seen her at her worst. Seen her terrified. In pain. Angry with him. Even considering her panic attacks, she was one of the strongest people he knew.

  No, he wasn’t wrong about her.

  After he finished eating, he leaned back, idly smacking his napkin against his palm, remembering the auction and how the dragon’s tongue whip had flicked over her white skin. Her flinches, her groans, her arousal. Did she really want to live a life without that intensity? Feeling half-smothered?

  THE RESTAURANT WAS way too hot, Linda thought as she gulped down her ice water. Across the table, Lee elaborated about next week’s hotel conventions with a suggestion she drop off promotional material for the lobby information rack.

  He was such a nice man. He always asked her opinion before deciding anything. He didn’t try to boss her around. Shouldn’t she be pleased that he treated her as an equal?

  Her gaze flic
ked back to Sam. He’d dressed up—for him—in black jeans, black boots, a silver-buckled belt, and a burgundy western shirt with black snap pockets and piping. With his legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles, he looked like a man enjoying his coffee after a good meal. His muscled frame, hard face, and dangerous presence won interested looks from every woman in the place. Including her.

  She wrenched her gaze away, managing to focus on Lee until she heard an odd rhythmic sound. What was that?

  Idly watching a waiter clearing a nearby table, Sam was smacking the end of his linen napkin across his palm. Slap, slap, slap. It seemed an innocuous habit, as another man might tap his foot or play with his mustache; only this sounded and looked far too much like what he’d done to her in the dungeon. Or the bedroom.

  Shifting, Linda licked lips that had gone dry, and the movement drew his attention. When his steady blue eyes met hers, she was suddenly, completely aroused.

  A crease appeared in his cheek, and then he rose and walked out of the restaurant with the powerful saunter that was his alone.

  “Linda?” Lee turned to follow her gaze. “What are you looking at?”

  Chapter Eight

  In the center of an empty corral, Sam helicoptered the bullwhip over his head and reversed. A crack split the air. Not bad. Never letting the whip settle, he threw again and again, working into a good rhythm.

  After warming up, he moved to the target area. He’d needed something to take his mind off the redhead, and nothing required concentration like whip cracking. He had the scars to prove it.

  Today he had spaghetti noodles to destroy. Poles to wrap and pull.

  Eventually, as a treat to himself, he targeted cans of soda. The trick was to strike evenly enough to split the can in half. He hit the first can, and the spray fountained up. The bottom half of the can remained on the table, still filled with liquid.

  “Show-off.” The voice broke into his concentration.

  With an amused snort, Sam stopped. Coiling the whip, he walked to where Nolan stood with his forearms resting on the top of the fence. “What’s up?”

  “Came to tell you we’re done for the day.”

  Sam studied the beginnings of his new stable. The construction crew had accomplished a fair amount over the past week. “Getting there.”

  “Should have been built a decade ago. That old one’s a fire trap.”

  “Wasn’t needed before.” Couldn’t do it until his divorce. He could hardly subject construction workers to his wife’s hysterics or the way she’d have hit them up for drug money.

  Like she’d tried to shake him down for money yesterday. His mouth twisted with the foul taste that speaking to her left behind. He needed to warn Nicole that her mother was back in Tampa. “But breeding mares expect some amenities.”

  “Right.” Nolan looked around. “Place looks good.”

  “Better.” After the farm was safe from Nancy’s destructive tantrums, he’d made much-needed improvements.

  “Heard you did a scene with your buddy from the auction. You seeing her?”

  Damn gossipy submissives. “No. She wants to be normal. Normal women don’t hang out with sadists.”

  “From what Cullen said, she’s as much a masochist as you are a sadist.”

  “Not if she can help it.”

  Nolan gave him a glance. “But she can’t. Any more than Beth could help being submissive, and she sure as hell tried.”

  Sam nodded agreement. But people weren’t logical.

  At least Linda had forgiven him. And she had his phone number. Pushing her further would definitely be stalking. But, goddammit, not seeing her was like losing a wisdom tooth and constantly checking the empty socket. “Ball’s in her corner.” For now.

  * * * *

  “I see I’ve got some practicing to do,” Linda said. Standing on the front lawn of the church in the early evening sunlight, she smiled at the gray-haired director of the choir.

  “You’ll catch up quickly.” Mrs. Ritter riffled through a sheaf of sheet music. “It’s good to have you back.”

  “I missed singing.” And practice had been wonderful. But now, as the choir members mingled outside the church, her anxiety was creeping back.

  “I saw the paper with the picture of your house,” Mrs. Ritter said. “Has the creep been back?”

  “No, thank goodness.” Not for two weeks now—since the first night Sam had spent in her house, leaving his big truck parked at the curb. Perhaps the spray painter had seen Sam and decided to pursue less perilous canvases.

  Apparently, Sam had decided to pursue less neurotic women. She hadn’t seen him since the restaurant. Ignoring the hollow ache in her chest, she said, “I think the painter got bored.”

  “That’s excellent news.” Mrs. Ritter handed over selections of music, then frowned at a small group of women near the refreshments table. Their whispering abruptly stopped.

  Linda stiffened. More gossip. Normal conversations were a low murmur, like background noise. But when people gossiped, their voices would lower and their glances would hit her like cold ocean spray as they checked to ensure she hadn’t noticed and couldn’t hear.

  She didn’t need to hear. One look at the group told her that the two women in their thirties had ruled her a slut. The two older women weren’t judging.

  I hate this. Even worse, she couldn’t stop wondering if the obscenities on her house were done by someone she knew.

  “The alto section will improve with you here. They’ve needed a stronger lead.” The woman patted her shoulder. “Welcome back.”

  As Mrs. Ritter moved away, Linda stared after her. People were certainly unpredictable. She’d thought younger women would be the most accepting—and in her neighborhood they had been—but here, the older women were more open-minded. A couple of them in their sixties had even said their book club’s selection last month was a popular BDSM romance. Go figure.

  Really, almost everyone had welcomed her home. Yet somehow the few unfriendly gossips overshadowed the rest. She shook her head ruefully. Years ago she’d discovered Brenna and Charles might forget her compliments, but her critical comments lingered in their minds forever. Apparently, malicious remarks created the same imbalance.

  Linda considered the clusters of people. Join one?

  No, she’d braved enough for one day. Instead, she raised her voice. “I have to run. I’ll see you all in a couple of days.”

  To a murmured chorus of farewells, she headed for her car with a sigh of relief. As she reached the street and her knotted muscles loosened, she glanced back. Normal people. Glasses and gray hair, housewives, secretaries, a lawyer, clerks, two businesswomen. Some retired, three in college. Not a monster among them, even though she often felt like Brenna’s hamster the day Charles’s puppy had cornered it.

  Unable to face her too-quiet house, she drove to where the long city dock jutted out into the water. Just before dark, the pier held only an old man fishing. A pelican on a piling watched silently as Linda dropped onto a weathered bench.

  The water was dark and calm. A light ocean breeze teased her hair and fluttered her clothing, blowing away the remnants of ugly gossip until she felt clean again. Her hand trembled when she tucked her hair behind her ear. As the days passed, leaving her house grew more difficult—not from fear of being kidnapped, although that hovered in the background—but from being around people. She felt as if everyone was judging her. Getting paranoid much, honey?

  But worse—much more terrifying—was that she had started to feel distant, as if she’d raised walls and neglected to build doors in them. It was happening again. Her hands clenched as despair whipped around her like an unstoppable wind. It wasn’t supposed to come back. Dammit, it wasn’t supposed to ever come back.

  She wanted that clear, open feeling that came from being with Sam…because he knew how to hurt her.

  Whoever heard of craving a sensation rather than something like, say, chocolate or pizza? Of course, guys often complained if they
didn’t—how did one put it?—get their ashes hauled regularly. Marathoners got cranky if they were injured, saying things like I need to run.

  I need pain. She shuddered. No no no.

  A gull swooped past, its beady black eyes assessing her for potential food. “Not this time.” Then again, in her pocket, she had a cookie from the refreshment table at practice. “Well, okay.” She tossed a chunk onto the dock.

  The gull landed with a light thump and waddled to the goodie. Suddenly, three more of the noisy birds appeared.

  “Good grief.” She tossed each a tidbit and scowled when the smallest gull was shoved aside. Bullies abounded, didn’t they? Her next toss went directly under the little guy.

  Birds and their pecking orders. Humans did the same thing. She sighed. Boy, did they. Okay. Time to think. Logically.

  Basically, she had two, somewhat intertwined, problems going on.

  The first was that her recent notoriety—being a slave—affected how she fit into life in Foggy Shores. That might eventually resolve, since hopefully, as the townspeople’s memories faded, so would the gossip.

  “Do I want to wait that long?”

  Food finished, one by one, the gulls took to the sky, leaving only the sounds of water lapping at the pilings and the laughter of children playing on the beach. She’d been happy in this town. Her marriage had been a good one for the most part. When Frederick had died so unexpectedly in a car crash, the townspeople had been her support. Had helped her start her business. Here was where she’d raised Brenna and Charles.

  She stared down at her hands. But now… The last of her close friends had moved away two years ago. Stupid mobile society. Her children had gone off to college. She had fewer ties; she could leave. Her home no longer felt like a refuge—she still saw the ugly words as if they’d never been scrubbed away. Her house would easily sell.

  But my store? She loved her little beach store, loved being a businesswoman, loved supporting her fellow craftsmen. She didn’t want to move her business. Her mouth tightened. And she darn well wasn’t going to flee as if she’d done something wrong.