“And Rusty is so very concerned about his little sister,” Beth continued. “I told him she was getting new teeth, and he seemed completely in awe. Then he asked me why God hadn’t given her any teeth before now.” The other ladies laughed and Jessica forced a smile.
“Oh, did I tell you that Jason is now fully in charge of my parents’ store?” Beth asked. “Father is also making him a full partner.”
“That’s wonderful news,” Victoria said, clapping her hands. “I know you’ve wanted that for so long.”
“We got word that Ollie’s mother isn’t doing well,” Millie Stapleton piped up. Millie was a year older than the rest and as such was the unofficial head matron of their society. “Since his father passed on, his mother has been gradually declining. I fear we may have to bring her here to live with us.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Millie,” Beth said, shaking her head. “I’m sure that would be difficult.”
“Yes, with the children so young, it would be hard to care for a sickly old woman. But what can I do? She is family and is our obligation. Ollie would never forsake her.” She glanced Jessica’s way. “We simply do not forsake the ones we love.” Jessica knew the comment was directed at her failure to have supported Victoria’s choice of husband.
I don’t fit in here. I don’t belong. I really don’t even know these women anymore.
Jessica thought back to their childhood days in school. They had all been quite close then. What had happened? Why had Jessica allowed them to slip away?
Because I was too worried about what I wanted for myself. I was too busy arranging my next grand affair, my next gown, my next trip.
Guilt washed over her. She took a bite of cake and felt it stick in her throat. Taking a quick sip of her tea, Jessica was able to avoid making a scene. She suddenly felt desperate to take her leave. That feeling grew stronger at the next question posed.
“So, Jessica, are you seeing anyone special?” one of the women asked.
Before she could answer, Millie spoke. “Jess is seeing a great many special people. I hear she goes out every week with a new beau.” She looked at Jessica, as if daring her to refute the statement.
Jessica was floored by the comment, as well as the ensuing debate about her love life. She was mortified to find herself the center of this kind of attention.
“I think it positively risqué,” Karin said. “A young lady ought to court only one man.”
Jessica didn’t think before answering. “If I were courting, then I would agree with you. I haven’t chosen any one fellow, so I feel free to get to know each of them a little better. In this day and age a woman needn’t feel it necessary to accept the first man who asks for her hand. I believe in taking my time and getting to know a fellow, learn what he stands for, what kind of husband and companion he’ll make.”
“But that’s hardly a proper way to handle things!” Millie exclaimed. “It makes you seem . . . well . . . too forward.”
The other ladies nodded. “You wouldn’t want to get a bad reputation,” one of them added, while another said, “It would shame your parents,” making her angry.
“And how is it I would get a bad reputation and shame my mother and father?” Jessica asked, feeling defensive. “You all know my values and beliefs. You know I would never conduct myself in any way other than what was expected. Surely you would never speak out against me—slandering or gossiping about things that weren’t true.” The latter was issued as a challenge.
Her words hit the mark, and the women fell silent. Jessica sipped her tea and waited for their further attack. While it surprised her they would so openly show their disapproval, she was glad for it. It made her feel less guilty for having avoided them, and for a moment she forgot all about her campaign to make amends.
“Well, I believe a young lady of values should see only one man at a time, rather than stringing along several. It seems only proper,” Millie finally said. “When I was courting Ollie, I never would have looked at another man. In fact, even before we were officially courting, I had eyes only for him. My heart knew from the time we were young that we were meant for each other.”
“I envy you.” Jessica drew in a calming breath. “I haven’t had that experience.”
“Well, you had Robert but then lost him to that woman from Colorado.”
Jessica squared her shoulders. “I never really had Robert. We were good friends, and folks just assumed we would end up together.”
“But you assumed it, too,” Beth threw in. “I remember our discussions about how you would one day be Mrs. Robert Barnett. Of course, no one knew what was yet to come.”
Jessica wanted to end the conversation but knew it was her own fault for allowing it to begin in the first place. “Robert and Alice are perfect for each other. They are well suited and love each other very much. I can’t say that I ever felt that way about Robert. Frankly, I don’t feel that way about anyone. Therefore, I believe I have the right to explore the possibilities of each single man.”
“That sounds like a very modern way of thinking,” Victoria murmured, sounding rather embarrassed. “Some of this new philosophy seems a bit scandalous to me.” The other ladies nodded.
“Why, I was just reading the other day that in some places it’s perfectly acceptable for women to go unescorted to dances and such. Can you imagine the commotion that must cause?”
To Jessica’s relief, the woman began discussing social mores, leaving Jessica free to calm down. She knew if she didn’t leave, she might very well say something she would regret. She supposed her old nature wasn’t completely set aside.
Just then the clock chimed three. “Oh goodness. I didn’t realize it was getting so late,” she announced. “I have to meet my driver soon, and I still need to pick up some things.” She put her teacup aside. “I do hope you’ll excuse me.” She turned to Victoria. “I wish you the best of birthdays and a very happy marriage. I wish all of you ladies well and hope you will come visiting soon.”
The women seemed surprised by her sudden need to depart, but no one tried to stop her. Jessica knew they were just as glad to get rid of her as she was to go. No doubt they would spend the rest of the afternoon discussing her shortcomings.
She left Victoria’s and made her way down to Main Street, where Pritchard’s and other stores could be found. Jessica tried not to be bothered by the things the women had said, but she couldn’t help it. Their comments had angered her. Did they truly believe her to be so scandalous? Was her love life really such a fascinating topic that they had nothing better on which to focus? Who were they to establish rules for her?
Glancing into the shop windows, Jessica tried to clear her mind. Changing her outlook on life and the driving forces of her internal nature was harder than Jessica had originally thought. There was so much to overcome—so much she hadn’t even realized was at issue. Who knew that the women of Cedar Springs and the surrounding area were keeping track of how many different men with whom she stepped out?
Still, they were right. Reputations once lost were not easily regained. Jessica didn’t want to cause her parents pain or disgrace. Perhaps she should find some charity and spend her time and efforts there. She thought of her sister, Gloria, and her generous nature and penchant for hard work. She was in Montana teaching Indian children to read and write English while her soldier husband worked to keep the area safe. Jessica’s brothers, Isaac and Howard, were busy helping a local church join with other churches in building houses for the destitute in and around Corpus Christi. Her siblings were well known for their giving nature, their compassion for the less fortunate.
“What am I known for?” Jessica pondered. Sadly, she knew the answer. She was known for loving herself—for spending all of her time looking for ways to make herself happy.
For all my desire to do better, I find there are many hurdles to overcome. I wonder if I will ever be able to remake myself into a better person.
She browsed the aisles at Pritchard’s. In days go
ne by she would have consoled herself with a new shawl or a pair of embroidered stockings, but now she had no interest. She knew they wouldn’t help to ease her misery—they never really had. Jessica made her way outside to wait for Osage. She felt a sense of relief when she saw the heavily loaded buckboard pull up. All she really wanted was to go home—to get away from people and their condemning thoughts.
Thoughts that I no doubt deserve, Jessica realized. Again, she couldn’t help but wonder if there was any hope for her to change. Transformations came with a price, she realized. Would she be able to afford the cost?
Chapter 7
“I’m certainly glad to see you,” Jessica said as Osage pulled up alongside her.
He jumped down and helped Jessica. “Hee-hee! A fella likes to hear that a gal is anxious to be in his company.”
Jessica shook her head and forgot her frustrations with the ladies. Osage never failed to improve her spirits. She folded her gloved hands and waited for him to climb into the driver’s seat. After he settled in and snapped the reins, she jumped right into conversation.
“Did you get all the feed and supplies Pa needed?”
“Got ’em. I noticed the horse was walking funny, and when I took a look, I found he was about to throw a shoe. I went to the smithy.”
“Good thing you caught it. Pa won’t be happy that it happened. I suppose Manuel will get in trouble.”
“Oh, your pa won’t go too hard on him,” Osage said.
For several minutes neither one spoke. Then, to her surprise, Jessica found herself asking Osage a rather personal question.
“Osage, did you get what you wanted out of life?”
“I did, for the most part. I found me a good job with your pa’s pa, and then I found me a sweet gal to marry. We were happy and had a couple of boys. Had a good life those first few years. Then my wife died, and the boys were taken by their grandparents because I was about half outta my mind. When things settled down, I knew it was for the best. I couldn’t have taken care of them. I would’ve liked my family to have stayed together, but otherwise, life has been good.” He turned to look at her for a moment. “So, Miss Jessica, what is it you want out of life?”
Jessica searched her heart to give him an answer but couldn’t find one. A month ago, she might have said she wanted travel and wealth and all manner of importance, even fame. Now, knowing how she’d presented herself throughout her life, Jessica was no longer sure what she wanted. Perhaps to clear her reputation and mend fences would be a good place to start. But she couldn’t say that to Osage.
“I guess I’m still trying to figure that out.”
Hours later at home, Jessica heard Osage’s question posed again. This time it came from Lee Skelly. It was worded a little differently, but nevertheless pressed her for answers she didn’t have.
Lee had ridden up while she was walking around the pasture just behind the house. Reining his horse to a stop, he’d looked at her in curiosity. “What are you lookin’ for, Miss Jessica?”
She looked up to see Lee watching her closely. “I don’t know. I’m just walking and thinking.”
“Thinkin’ about life and what you want out of it?” He didn’t give her time to answer. “What do you want, Miss Jessica?”
“I want to be left to my thinking,” she replied, irritated at the interruption.
“Thinkin’ about me? About how you’d like to marry me?” He gave her a lopsided grin.
“To be quite honest, I don’t know what I want.”
“So then, you could be wantin’ me and just not know it, right?” He jumped down from the back of his horse.
His determination fascinated her. Was he really that much in love with her? Did he actually pine for her? She had to ask. “Lee, are you in love with me?”
The question caused the young man to cough and then clear his throat rather noisily. “Miss Jessica, that’s a silly question to ask. You know I worship the ground you walk on.”
“But that’s not the same.” She looked out across the pastureland. She knew it as well as she knew the back of her hand. What she didn’t know was her own heart.
“You speak of marriage and a future with me, but you don’t talk about the important things.”
“Like love? Well, of course I love you, Miss Jessica. I’ve been sweet on you since you were fourteen.”
Jessica looked at Lee and shook her head. “I didn’t know that.”
“Well, why would you? We don’t exactly socialize in the same circles.” He laughed. “I’m just the boss’s hired hand. Still, I would feel mighty proud to capture the heart of the boss’s daughter. I can just imagine how the other fellas would react. They’d see me in a whole new light.”
“And that would be important to you?”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said enthusiastically.
“But why?”
Lee’s expression suggested she ought to know the answer. “Because it would prove my worth. I ain’t never had nothing of value belong to me. If I was to marry you, it would show everyone that I was important, that I mattered.”
“And you don’t feel you matter otherwise?” Jessica hadn’t expected this turn of conversation, but it fascinated her at the same time.
He shrugged. “I know I matter to me, but I want to matter to others. I want to be somebody. If I married the boss’s daughter, that would make me special. The other fellas would look at me with respect. And more than a little envy,” he added, laughing. “I guess I’d just like some say in my life, some control.”
“I can tell you from my own experience that taking control of a situation isn’t all it’s thought to be. It requires a great deal of attention and work.”
“Well, all I know is that you took control of my heart.”
“Oh, stop it, Lee. I know what you want from me, but I can’t give it. I don’t love you.”
He frowned. “I know that, but I’m willin’ to take a chance on you learnin’ to love me.”
Jessica felt sorry for the man, but she couldn’t give in. She shook her head. “Well, I’m not.”
Austin thought long and hard about his decision to leave the Rangers as he rode home from Dallas. He’d told his superior of his plan, and the man hadn’t tried to stop him. Instead, he’d congratulated Austin and said he thought he would make a fine town marshal. Some of the other men standing nearby had agreed.
The sun was near to setting, and it left a cold, empty feeling to the clouded sky. Twilight was not his favorite time. It always made him feel lonely. He couldn’t help but think of Grace. They had married with only one thought—to spend the rest of their lives loving each other. They had planned for many children and a large house in which to put them. Austin smiled and then felt a sense of wonder. Thinking about Grace didn’t seem to hurt like it had before. In fact, it was almost like a faint dream.
He allowed himself the memory of their wedding. She had been so radiant in her wedding silk. Her parents had died when she was little, and her grandmother had raised her. Having lived the life of a privileged only child, Grace’s desires were surprisingly modest and simple. She had attracted Austin’s attention from the first day he’d seen her walking along the street in Washington, D.C. Just a few short months later, she walked down the aisle to him.
Remembering her smile as he lifted the veil to kiss her, Austin had thought his life perfect. If he’d died in that moment, he would have died the happiest man in the world. Instead, she had died and he had killed her. Killed her by his absence. When she went into labor, no one had been there to help her, and both she and the baby had died.
He bore the responsibility like a heavy mantle. Austin was the one who had made her move to the country—away from her beloved grandmother and the city she so enjoyed. He had worried about her living in the city and being alone when he had to be gone on special assignments. Oh, certainly she had her grandmother, at least at first. They were still living in town when the old woman had taken ill and died only six days later. Even so, Grace
loved to visit the cemetery, as if she could see her grandmother face-to-face. She loved to take flowers to the grave and spend time in reflection. She told Austin that she knew her grandmother was in heaven, safe and happy, but she felt certain God gave Grandmother the messages from Grace. And Austin had taken that away by insisting on the move.
Three months after her grandmother’s death, Austin had found a place away from the city. He told Grace about it and about his desire to move. He could see the disappointment in her expression and knew she didn’t approve.
“But she never complained,” he murmured. He shook his head and gazed up at the darkening sky. It was starting to look like rain. “You never did complain.”
When she’d told him they were going to have a baby, Austin had nearly fainted. It was the only time he’d felt so consumed by fear that he’d thought he might pass out. Even in all the close calls he’d had with his work, nothing had prepared him for the daunting task of fatherhood.
The thought of raising a child in a city the size of Washington gave Austin some concerns. It was a beautiful place, to be sure, and had much to recommend it. However, he had made enemies, and he knew there could be great danger for his family. He worried that even living ten miles away wouldn’t be far enough. What if his enemies followed him and found Grace?
By August of 1890 they had settled into their country home. Grace was due to deliver in March, and despite her growing size, she’d made them a lovely home. Grace longed for the hustle and bustle of the city, but she assured Austin that she was happy. And he believed her. They truly had been happy there—at least for a short while.
When winter arrived travel became more difficult, and Austin insisted Grace do nothing to put herself in danger. He often had to leave her alone, and it worried him greatly. He managed to scrape together enough money to pay a housekeeper for the winter. The case Austin and Houston had worked for the past year was about to break wide open. They had been following stamp counterfeiters and felt certain they would have the entire ring rounded up by
A Matter of Heart Page 7