A Matter of Heart

by Tracie Peterson

“You’re sure quiet,” Jessica said, looking back at him.

  They’d just reached the barn, and she swung the door wide. “Is something wrong?”

  “Uh, no. Nothing’s wrong.”

  “Well, you just seem . . . hmm . . . different.” She grinned. “Not that different is bad.” She smiled and motioned him to follow. “We have the calf over here.” She led the way and stopped in front of a small pen.

  The calf gave a pitiful cry. Jessica knelt down and reached through the rails, and he came to see if she had something to offer him. Austin thought the calf seemed surprised when all he found was her hand.

  “He is a cute little fella,” Austin said, giving the animal a quick glance. He’d much rather watch Jessica than the calf.

  Austin wanted to say something more, but the words seemed to catch in his throat. How could he leave for Colorado Springs without telling her how he felt? If he didn’t stake a claim, Harrison Gable might sweep her off her feet and carry her away.

  “We will be pairing him with one of the other cows. Mother’s been using a hide to put on the back of another calf. The scent will rub off, and then we’ll put the hide on this little fella so that the mama cow will accept him. Mother feels certain she’ll take him. He was just weak, but now he’s doing better. Tomorrow we’ll try to put them together.”

  Jessica continued talking about the animal, but Austin could only think of her and what he wanted to say. How could he just come out and declare his love for her? If he did that, would she think him too bold—too much the rogue?

  Before he could answer that, however, Jessica got to her feet. Still facing the calf, she laughed. Having no will to stop himself, Austin reached out and plucked the ribbon from Jessica’s head. The thick lustrous hair splayed out across her back.

  In surprise, Jessica whirled around to face him, and without giving it another thought, Austin pulled her into his arms and kissed her soundly. He felt her melt against him with a sigh.

  Maybe words weren’t necessary, he thought, and deepened the kiss.

  Chapter 21

  Gasping for air, Jessica pushed away from Austin. “You kissed me!”

  “Was that what it was?” he asked with a grin. “Well, I just might do it again.” He stepped forward as if to follow up his words, but Jessica put her hands to his chest and pushed.

  “Why did you kiss me?” she asked, searching his face.

  “Why? You have to ask why?” Austin shook his head. “I’ve never heard of a woman having to ask why she was kissed.”

  “Well . . . I . . . I . . . don’t understand. You’ve . . . never, I mean . . .” She stammered to find the right words, and finally she waved her hands in the air. “I don’t know what I mean.”

  He chuckled and moved a step closer. This time Jessica didn’t stop him. Her mind whirled with thoughts. Was this a declaration of love? Did Austin truly feel for her as she did for him?

  “Look, Miss Atherton . . . Jessica,” he said, reaching out to push her hair back, “I’ve been disturbed by you ever since I met you.”

  She regained her senses at this. “Disturbed by me? What kind of thing is that to say about somebody?”

  He reached out again to touch her hair. This time, however, he toyed with the wavy strand as he’d once seen Gable do. “All right, you’ve been on my mind, and it’s been almost torturous. I can’t eat or sleep without thinking of you.”

  Inside, Jessica was cheering, but outside, she remained stoic. “Well, it sounds like you may be sick.”

  Austin looked incredulous. “I am sick. I’m love-sick. You’ve got me acting like a boy with his first crush.”

  She grinned. “What’s so bad about that?”

  He began to pace in front of her . . . only inches away . . . close enough that she could reach out and touch him if she chose to. With her heart racing and her breathing rather ragged, Jessica watched Austin’s expression change several times before he stopped in front of her. His expression looked very much like an animal that needed to be put out of its misery.

  “Well?” she asked, hands on hips. “What’s so bad about being love-sick?”

  “You know that I planned to never feel anything for anyone again. I told you about all the folks I lost . . . including my wife and son. I didn’t want to go through that then, and I sure don’t want to go through it now.”

  “And you figured that if you kept your heart as hard as stone you wouldn’t have to. Is that it?”

  “Something like that.”

  She shook her head. “It doesn’t work. Believe me.”

  He put his hand to his face and rubbed his temples. “I just don’t know what to do about it. One minute I’m sure I know what to say, and the next I feel tongue-tied. You’ve turned my world upside down and sidewise.” He lowered his hand and studied her for a moment. “You are without a doubt the source of my disruption.”

  Jessica shook her head and started to speak, but Austin put his finger to her lips. “Hush. I know my words don’t make sense. I know they sound harsh, but they’re not intended to. Maybe I don’t have flowery words like Harrison Gable, but I do have the truth.”

  She took hold of his finger and drew his hand away. Jessica didn’t release him, however. She continued to hold fast to his hand. “I don’t want flowery words.”

  “I don’t have his kind of money, either. Never will, most likely.”

  Jessica shook her head. “I don’t need money, either.”

  Austin looked deep into her eyes. Jessica could see a longing in his expression that matched her own. “What do you need?” he asked softly.

  “You,” she whispered. “Just you.”

  Stepping back as if burned, Austin seemed to struggle for words. “I love you, you know.”

  “I didn’t, but I guess I do now.” She wanted to jump up and down and shout it out to the world. Why did young women have to act so composed when moments like this were begging to be celebrated?

  His mouth clenched for a moment and then Austin asked, “How . . . how do you feel . . . about me?”

  Jessica surprised them both by throwing herself back into his arms. She reached up to pull his face to hers. It was the first kiss she’d ever initiated, and she liked it very much. Pulling back, she smiled.

  “I guess you feel the same as I do,” Austin said, shaking his head. “Poor woman.”

  “So what are we going to do about it?”

  He chuckled. “Well, I thought I’d talk to your father about marrying you. That is, if you want to marry me.” She raised a brow, but said nothing. It wasn’t the proposal she’d looked forward to.

  He seemed to understand almost at once and dropped to one knee. Reaching up, he took hold of her hands. “Jessica, will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

  Laughing like a young girl, Jessica thrilled to the question. She felt none of the dread she had when Harrison had proposed. “Here I thought I might never marry, yet I’ve had two proposals in the last twenty-four hours.”

  He frowned. “Gable?”

  She sobered. “Yes, but I told him no.”

  “May I ask why?”

  “Because I don’t love him, silly. I love you.”

  Austin met her gaze. “So will you marry me?”

  Jessica pulled her right hand from his hold and reached out to touch his face. A tenderness and love she’d never known filled her with wonder. “Of course I will.”

  A half hour later, Austin was asking Mr. Atherton for permission to marry his youngest child. Austin knew the man to be fair-minded but worried that he wouldn’t want his little girl marrying a lawman. The life of such a man could bring danger upon his family, and Austin didn’t want to cause the Athertons any grief.

  “Do you love her?” Mr. Atherton asked. He watched Austin carefully as he awaited the answer.

  Austin didn’t hesitate. “I do. I love her very much.” He looked to the floor, unable to take the intensity of the older man’s gaze. “I never thought I could love again.”


  “I remember you sayin’ you lost your wife and baby.”

  Drawing a deep breath, Austin raised his head. “Yes. It was in childbirth. Folks told me it was for the best . . . that if I had to lose the mother, it’d be better to lose both, since the baby would have had a hard time surviving without the mother. I never quite saw it that way, though.”

  Tyler nodded. “Sometimes folks don’t know what they’re sayin’, and by the time they do, it’s too late.”

  “Some even said that I wasn’t to blame, but whether I was or not, I vowed not to let it happen again. Then I met Jessica and none of that seemed to much matter. I guess that’s my heart trying to comfort me.”

  “Maybe it’s God trying to comfort your heart. He does that, you know. The Holy Spirit is called the Comforter in the Bible. I reckon God wants us to find comfort and peace of mind, or He wouldn’t have given us a Comforter.”

  “Even if we walk away from Him?” Austin asked.

  “And did you?”

  Austin blew out a heavy breath. “I didn’t stop believing in Him, if that’s what you mean. I just stopped believing He cared.”

  “And now?”

  He wasn’t sure what to say. His thoughts were filled with doubt. “Now, I guess I’m a little confused. I want to trust Him, but it’s hard.”

  “For sure nobody ever said it would be easy,” Atherton countered. “We’ve all had our demons to wrestle, Austin. I had mine in learnin’ to forgive. See, I suffered loss when the Comanche killed my pa. I hated them for that and wanted to take revenge on them.”

  “What happened?”

  “God had other ideas. He had Carissa and her little girl needin’ me and me needin’ them. Of course, I wasn’t good to any of us with all that hate inside. I had the opportunity to face my demon in person, and God made a way for me to lose my hatred and anger. I learned in that moment that I could let hatred have control of me for the rest of my life, or I could give up my rights to it and hand it over to God. I chose the latter, and I have to tell you, son, I haven’t been sorry.”

  The older man’s confession deeply touched Austin. “Guess I need to take it to God, as well.”

  Atherton pushed back his chair from the table. “Why not do it right now? I’d be honored to join you in prayer.”

  Austin hadn’t expected this, but it felt right. It was time to set things straight. It was time to come home to His Father in heaven.

  “Did you set a date?” Mother asked.

  Jessica shook her head and fell back against her bed pillows. “No. I have to say both of us were so surprised by the proposal that we hardly spoke after I agreed to marry him.”

  “Well, no matter. I imagine you’ll want to get to know each other better. Maybe a summer wedding would be nice.”

  “Summer? I don’t think I’d want to wait that long,” Jessica said, folding her hands together under her head.

  “Well, you don’t want to rush into anything. Getting married based on emotions alone is never wise. Make sure this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Once you’re married, there’s no going back.”

  “Oh, I know that.” Jessica didn’t find value in her mother’s warning. She felt as if she’d known Austin all of her life.

  “So what kind of plans do you want to make for your wedding?”

  “I’d like a big church wedding. I want a beautiful white wedding dress like we saw in Peterson’s Magazine. You know, the one with the sweeping train and all the lace?”

  “With the huge sleeves?” Mother asked.

  “Goodness, no. It was the princess-style gown with the wide lace that came over the shoulders and made a V at the waist. It had no sleeves except for the lace hanging off the shoulder and over the top of the arms.”

  “Oh yes. I remember it. I suppose we shall need to find the pattern and have it made for you in Dallas.”

  Jessica nodded. “We could make a grand time of it. Just you and me.” She was excited by the prospect. “And we could shop for shoes and maybe some new clothes.” All at once Jessica sobered. She sounded just like her old self. Once again, she was focused on her appearance and the attention she knew she’d receive from having her mother to herself.

  “What’s wrong, Jess?” Mother asked, cocking her head to one side as she always did when assessing one of her children’s health. Her eyes narrowed slightly in scrutinizing her daughter. “Are you ill?”

  “In a way. I’m sick of myself. I hate that the first thing I think of is a grand wedding and new clothes. I’ve been working hard to put the old me away and let the new me take

  charge.”

  “It’s really better if you let God take charge. I find that when I try to be in control, I lose control.”

  “But I’m trying so hard,” Jessica replied in exasperation. “Why can’t God just make me be unselfish.”

  “It would be nice if we could snap our fingers and become better people instantly.” Mother sounded sympathetic. “Unfortunately, change is a journey we must take one step at a time. Give it over to God and rest in Him.”

  “I am—at least I’m trying to give it over. Then something like this happens, and I feel as though I go back ten steps.” She paused and shook her head. “I’m sorry, Mother. I didn’t mean to get carried away. The idea of planning my wedding just makes me giddy,” she said, smiling.

  “Jess, I don’t think you’re selfish to be happy about your wedding. Every girl dreams and fusses over it. I did. When I married Gloria’s father I had a beautiful wedding with all the trimmings. That turned out miserably, and I was widowed with a baby. When I married your father, it was different. I wore a simple gown of white Indian muslin over yellow cotton, and we married at the Barnett Ranch so that Hannah could be there. She’d just given birth to Sarah, and William wasn’t letting her go anywhere.” Mother smiled at the fond memory.

  “When I think of all the money my father spent on my first wedding and how badly it ended up, well, I know what it is to be selfish and demanding.” She met Jessica’s gaze. “You are neither one. Now go to sleep and have pleasant dreams.” She turned the lamp down until it went out, leaving just the light from the hallway.

  Jessica snuggled down under the covers, feeling much like a little girl again. She gave a contented sigh and closed her eyes to dream of wedding gowns and flower bouquets.

  Chapter 22

  Two days later Jessica was still contemplating the kind of wedding she hoped to have when she glanced outside and saw Harrison Gable show up unannounced. She had no desire to see him and quickly ducked out to the kitchen to see if she could help Lupe with anything. Peeking around the arched entry to the kitchen, Jessica heard her mother’s soft voice.

  “Good morning, Mr. Gable. What brings you here today?”

  “I am hoping to speak with your daughter.”

  Jessica contemplated running for the back door. She had nothing to say to Harrison Gable. She’d refused his proposal and clearly wanted nothing more of his desire to court. She glanced back at Lupe, and the older woman shrugged as if to say, “It’s your problem.”

  Mother was telling Harrison that she’d go in search of Jessica if he would just have a seat in the front sitting room. Jessica drew a deep breath to steady her nerves and brushed her sleeves for any hint of lint. Mother came down the hallway smiling.

  “You have a visitor.”

  “Yes, I heard,” she replied in a whisper. “I wish I didn’t have to speak with him. I don’t want to hear his comments about how I should be marrying him instead of Austin.”

  Mother put her hand on Jessica’s hand. “Don’t make more out of it than it has to be. Just be kind and polite and let the matter resolve itself. Maybe he’s come to congratulate you. After all, someone is bound to have mentioned your engagement by now. Your father was mighty excited about it—maybe even more than I was.”

  “I suppose he’s been telling everyone in Cedar Springs,” Jessica said, frowning.

  “Just stop worrying. There’
s nothing Harrison can do about it. You love another.”

  She knew Mother was right, but it was so hard to ignore her feelings of anxiety. She wanted to celebrate and enjoy this wonderful feeling of happiness. Instead, Jessica knew that trying to explain the situation to Harrison wouldn’t be easy.

  “I’ll go,” she finally said.

  “I will pray for you, Jess.”

  The words comforted Jessica. The thought of her mother taking time to pray about something as trivial as her encounter with Harrison touched her. She patted her mother’s arm. “Thank you.”

  Smoothing down the front of her blouse, Jessica slowly made her way to the front sitting room. She felt rather like someone going to her execution. I won’t bring up the engagement unless he does.

  “Ah, here you are,” Harrison said, getting to his feet. He gave her a broad smile, which revealed his almost perfect teeth. “And how lovely you look today.”

  Jessica bristled at his compliment. “Thank you. I wasn’t expecting you, and I am rather busy.”

  He nodded knowingly. “I do apologize for coming so early in the day, but I felt I had to. Please sit down and I’ll explain.”

  He motioned to the sofa, but Jessica took her place like a queen in her favorite chair by the fire. “All right, please continue.”

  Harrison pulled up another chair to sit directly in front of her. “I wanted to apologize for my actions the other night. I know I surprised you with my proposal of marriage. I realize we haven’t done much in the way of courting, but I thought to do more of that after you accepted my proposal.”

  Jessica started to say something, but he held up his hand. “Please let me get this out. You see, I care very much for you, and because of that I felt it important to speak to you privately about this. It has to do with Austin Todd.”

  “Why would you come to me about Mr. Todd?”

  Gable actually looked uncomfortable. “I’ve heard it said around town that you have accepted his proposal of marriage.”

  Jessica stiffened. “I have.”

  “I also heard about his plans. I thought you might be upset. I mean, there’s no way of knowing whether he’ll return.”