Southern Sunrise

by Madison, Natasha

  “What kind of house do you want?” I was lying on my back with my hand under my head. Her head lay on my bicep.

  “I don’t care.” She turned to her side. “As long as you’re there, and there is a hammock in our yard, we can be anywhere.”

  She got her house without me, and she got her hammock. I wonder if Drew lives here with her. Fuck, my stomach sinks at the thought. I don’t have a right to care. I don’t have a right to question her. I lost the right when I left her behind. I walk back to Casey’s house even though my heart is pulling me to go back to Emily and get her to talk to me. At least get her to listen to my reason for leaving. I’m almost at the house when I see a horse in the distance, and I would know that horse anywhere. Just looking at her fills my heart as I see Casey riding toward me.

  “There you are,” he says when he gets close enough. “Was wondering where you went.”

  Approaching the horse, I reach out my hand. “Hey there, girl,” I say, and she backs away from me. “Jesus, even my horse is mad at me.”

  “Your horse is the least of your issues,” Casey says, getting off the horse and handing me the reins as we walk back to his house. “Where did you go?”

  “I couldn’t sleep.” I don’t tell him that the nightmares still wake me up, that sometimes I wake up screaming from the pain I endured. I couldn’t sleep because I kept seeing Emily in front of me, but every time I would get close to her, she would explode in my mind. I don’t tell him anything, but I was awake most of the night.

  “Took a walk and ended up back at my old house.” His eyes go wide. “Yeah, Emily was outside having coffee.”

  “Shit,” Casey says. He takes his phone out and begins to type.

  “Why?” I ask, and he looks up from his phone. “Why is she living there?”

  “I’m not going to sugarcoat shit for you,” he says. “She didn’t do well when you left, and she talked your mother into selling her the house. She wanted to have your home ready for you when you got back.” My heart stops in my chest and then sinks to my stomach only to fly back up to my throat. “Your mother didn’t want to. At first, she just wanted to give it to her. It was going to be yours anyway when you got married. That’s why she kept it.”

  “She lived in my house.” I repeat the words again. “She lived there, waiting for me.”

  “She did,” Casey says. “We told her it wasn’t a good idea. Her parents tried to force her not to do it. She …” He looks down. “She wouldn’t listen to anyone. All she kept saying was she needed to make you a home, and you would come back.”

  “I’ve been gone for five years,” I say. “She’s engaged.”

  “She is,” he says, looking out into the distance and then looking back at me. “She deserves to be happy.” I want to tell him that she deserves to have a home. She deserves to have it filled with love and to have all the kids she wants. She deserves it all. “I don’t want to tell you what to do.”

  “But you will.” I laugh.

  “But I will.” He looks down. “Dad,” he says of Billy, “he had a heart attack a couple of months ago and is resting at home. Mom is hovering over him. If you have a chance, maybe you can go visit them.”

  I look down. “I don’t know,” I say. “It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just …”

  “You fucked up, Ethan,” he says, “but the good news is, we won’t hold it against you.”

  “Are you sure about that? Chelsea looked like she wanted to shoot me, and well, Jac-” I can’t say his name. “Dad and Beau were there.”

  “You cut them deep,” he says. “You said hurtful things after they spent their whole life trying to make sure you didn’t find out. Was it right? I don’t know, but it’s a decision that they made, and there must have been a reason.”

  “They lied.” I try to say my side, and he holds up his hand.

  “I’m not the person you need to have this conversation with,” he tells me. “I don’t know why you came back or how long you are staying, but …” He looks out into the field and then looks back at me. “But you need to find peace.” He shakes his head. “If not for you, then at least for them.”

  I don’t say anything when he turns and walks away from me toward his blue truck that was dropped off there. “Fuck, what was I thinking?” I ask the horse who just stares at me. “I should have stayed gone.”

  I wait for the horse to talk to me, but instead, I get on her, and it feels like it was yesterday. I kick her in gear and make my way to the house that helped shape me into the man I am. I see the barn right away and notice that Quinn is on his horse right next to Keith, who just stares at me. I slow down when I get to the barn. “Hey, guys.”

  “Hey,” Quinn says while Keith just stares at me. “I’m surprised she let you ride her,” he says of the horse. “She bucks off everyone but my dad.”

  “Well, I guess I’m special,” I say, walking her to the stall I always used to put her in. I look around the barn and notice it’s triple the size inside now. “This place is massive.” I put her in her stall, get her some water, and then make my way over to the house. I walk up the back steps and hesitate. I’m not sure if I should knock or just walk in like I always did.

  I put my hand up, and I’m about to knock when the door swings open, and I come face-to-face with Billy, who looks a little thinner than he did five years ago, but he’s still wearing the same old cowboy hat. Tears well up in his eyes when he sees me. “My boy,” he says, putting his hands on my face and pulling me to him. This man taught me everything that made me who I am. He taught me to shoot, which is why I’m the best sniper and got into the Delta Force. I was that one percent that was the best in my category. “Glad to see you home,” he says, and then I hear another voice from somewhere inside.

  “What is all the fuss about?” She comes to the door, wearing her usual apron while she wipes her hands. “Oh my god,” she says when she sees me. “Is it really you?” she asks, shoving Billy away from me. “Oh my lord,” she says, tears running down her face. “I’ve prayed for this moment,” she says, grabbing my cheeks in her hands and bringing me down to her. “Every single night, I prayed to see you just one more time so I could tell you how much I love you,” she says, kissing my cheeks. I wrap my arms around her as she cries. “I can’t believe it.”

  “Grandma!” I hear yelling from the house. “I think the pies are ready.”

  “Oh!” She pushes away from me. “Don’t you dare think about leaving here without eating. You better go wash your hands and get your behind in that chair.” She points at the chair, and I see her glaring at me.

  I look over at Billy, who wipes tears from his eyes. “I wouldn’t mess with her.”

  “I’ve been to active war zones,” I let slip, and he looks at me with shock, “yet the look she just gave me is scarier.”

  “You serve our country?” he asks, and I just nod. “Thank you for your service.” He comes closer to me. “Just for today, let’s not tell her, shall we?”

  “Will do.” I laugh and look over at him as he just looks at me.

  “God, it’s good to see your ugly mug,” he says in almost a whisper.

  “It’s good to be home,” I say, nodding. “Not sure if it’s actually good. So far, it’s been far from good.”

  “You left people behind without looking back. It’s not going to be easy.” He shakes his head and squeezes my shoulder. “It’s a two-way street. Just as much as you were hurt, you hurt the ones you love the most.”

  “I know,” I say. Looking down, I’m not ready to think about it.

  “It’ll work itself out.” He folds his arms over his chest.

  “I’m not sure about that,” I say, feeling the pressure in my chest.

  “It has to. It’s how family works.” I nod at him. “Now, let’s get in there before she loses it again.” We walk in the house, and it’s almost the same. There are just more family pictures on the walls and scattered around the house. I walk to the kitchen, and I’m shocked
that Chelsea is here.

  “Hey,” I say. She avoids my eyes and looks at Charlotte.

  “Is there much more to do, or can I go ride?” she asks, and Charlotte just smiles. “Thanks, Grandma, and I promise I’ll be here tomorrow bright and early to help you prepare.”

  “Last time you did that, you drank some of Grandpa’s sweet tea.” She puts her hands on her hips. She is so beautiful and sassy, just like Mom. She shrugs her shoulders and walks to Charlotte, giving her a hug. “Love you.”

  She gives her a hug and walks over to Billy, who whispers something in her ear, and she just laughs. She walks out of the house without saying a word to me. I look at my grandparents and then look at the door. “I’ll be right back,” I tell them, walking out the door and calling her name. “Chelsea.” She ignores me just as I knew she would, and I jog to catch up with her. “I’m talking to you,” I say. She turns, and I see the tears running down her face.

  “I don’t care!” she yells. “Just like you didn’t care five years ago.”

  I swallow down the lump in my throat. “You don’t understand.”

  “You’re right, I don’t,” she says, shaking her head. “I don’t know what it’s like to have a piece of my mother gone. I don’t know what it’s like to have to tiptoe around her on your birthday. I don’t know what it’s like to listen to her cry when she pretends she’s okay. I don’t understand any of that.” She doesn’t even give me a chance to say anything before she continues. “I’ll never understand how you could just turn your back on your family.” She wipes away her tears. “This time, maybe you can say goodbye before you leave us behind again.” She turns and runs toward the barn, leaving me to watch as I try to catch my breath.

  I watch until she enters the barn, and I know that other people can watch her as I turn back and walk to my grandparents' house. During the whole meal, they tiptoe around asking me any questions. It’s almost as though they are afraid to say anything to upset me. My grandmother busies herself in the kitchen, and the whole time, I see her looking over and smiling as she wrings her hands, and when I kiss her goodbye, she has tears in her eyes. “Are you leaving town?” she whispers, and I shake my head.

  “Not yet,” I say, and she nods.

  “Okay, come back and visit.” She puts her hand on my cheek.

  “He’ll be here tomorrow,” my grandfather says for me, and I look over at him. “Family barbecue, it’ll be a good time for you to catch up and see everyone. Five years is a long time.” I just turn and walk out without confirming anything.

  I’m walking into the house when I get this feeling that I’m not alone. The hair on the back of my neck stands up as I cautiously make my way into the house. After going room to room to check, I find it empty. I run my hands through my hair and hold my head as my heart rate goes back to normal. Grabbing my workout gear, I head down to the barn across the yard. I open the doors and shake my head at the state-of-the-art training facility. The walls are covered in mirrors so you can see what you’re doing. The middle of the barn has ten weight machines in the shape of a square that works your core. Five bikes on one side of the wall sit right next to five Stairmasters. There are two leg press machines against the other wall with three punching bags and five treadmills. There is an empty space all the way at the end where two ropes lay. If I know my uncle, he had all of this here the minute he gave me the key to the house.

  I get on the treadmill first and run until my legs burn. Faster and faster as if I’m running away from the enemy. I work out until my body is about to give up on me and my arms shake when I pick up a weight. The sweat just pours off me, and the muscles in my body fill with blood. I’m sitting on the bench drinking water when I see a shadow enter the barn.

  I knew this moment would come. I knew it had to be done. He walks in, his shoulders square, and just looks at me. “You were in the house before?” I ask, and he doesn’t say anything. He just stands there in front of me.

  “Figured we had a couple of things to talk about,” he says. Folding his arms over his chest, he shows me he’s ready for whatever I throw at him. For my whole life, I looked up to him, and I wanted to be him. I wanted to be the one who kept people safe. I wanted to be the one people went to when they had a problem, and I would solve it. To me, he was a hero, but he was also the one who lied to me. “That is if you’re man enough to stay and actually talk it out and not run away with your tail between your legs.”

  I laugh. “I didn’t run.”

  “Oh, you didn’t?” His eyes glare at me. “What do you call someone who doesn’t even stay and find out the ‘truth’?” He uses his fingers to make air quotes.

  “I call that person someone who needed to find out who he was,” I tell him, getting up.

  It’s his turn to laugh. “Does DNA matter that much to you?” he asks, and I want to tell him it does. I want to tell him that it wasn’t his decision to make. “Are you ready?”

  “For?” I ask.

  “The truth,” he tells me. “My part in it, at least.” He starts talking before I have time to answer him. “I was going to prom with a ring box in my jacket pocket, and I was going to ask Kallie to be my wife,” he says. I’ve never heard this part of the story. I mean, not that my parents told me much, just that they loved me. “I was so nervous, and I thought I would fuck it up so bad.” He shakes his head. “And right before we entered the school, I saw your mother by a tree.” He looks down now. “That’s not my story to tell in how she got there, but she asked me for help, and there was no turning back.”

  “She stuck you with someone else's kid!” I shout at him.

  “No.” He shakes his head. “She didn’t make me do anything that I didn’t want to do.”

  “You lost Kallie because of that.” I squeeze the water bottle in my hand.

  “And I’d do it again and again,” he says, but I never wanted to hear those words. I wanted to paint him as the bad guy who lied to me the whole time. “I was angry that I lost my life. I can’t say I wasn’t, but when the nurse placed you in my arms, something inside me shifted.” Tears well in his eyes.

  “I had a purpose, and that was you.” He looks me straight in the eyes. “It didn’t matter that you didn’t have my blood; you were mine. I was the one who slept sitting up for four months because you had colic, and your stomach would hurt if you lay down flat. I was the one who held your hand when you tried to take your first step.” His words hurt, the anger in them, the hurt in them as he retells my life from his eyes.

  “I was the one who dusted you off and made you try again. I was the one who held the back of your bike when you wanted to ride without training wheels at four years old. I was also the one who bandaged you up when you fell off and bruised both your knees. I was the one who held your hand when you walked into school on the first day and who was there when you got mad or sad. I held you when you had nightmares. I was the one who helped make you into the man you are today and the one you came to when you wanted to ask Emily to marry you. I was the one.” He points at his chest. “Not some man who shares your DNA. Me.” The hurt roars through him. “I’m your father. I don’t care what any DNA test says. I’m the one who’s fucking loved you unconditionally your whole life.”

  “Why not tell me?” I whisper.

  “What good would that do?” he asks.

  “It’s better to lie to me?” I ask, my voice getting louder. “You think finding out that you’ve been lied to your whole life is better?”

  “I think making you the man you are was better than a DNA test. I think you are thriving, and having love around you is better than that.” He looks at me. “I was wrong. But you leaving and shutting us all out? That …” he says, his voice going loud. “That’s not the man I taught you to be. That isn’t the man Beau taught you to be. It sure as fuck wasn’t Billy who taught you that.”

  “I guess I’m like my father, after all.” The minute I call the man my father, he takes a step back and puts his hand to his chest as if I shot
him. “I didn’t …”

  He shakes his head. “Nothing will be good enough for you,” he says, his words broken now. The man in front of me who faced whatever danger came his way with his head held high is now slumped over, and I made him hurt like that. “I love you, Ethan, with every single blood cell in my body even if it doesn’t match yours. I would die for you because that is what a parent does. I would stand by your side and fight, but that’s not good enough for you.” I look down at my feet, and the words are stuck in my throat. “I guess we know where you stand.”

  “And where is that?” I ask, trying to pick a fight with him for no reason.

  “I gave you my name,” he says, and it’s me who blinks away tears. “My father gave you his name because he knew that no matter what, you would be one of us.” The tears pour down his face. “But you’d rather erase me from your life. Erase my name from yours. Erase all the memories you have of me and the good times we had. You would rather dwell on that one little thing.” He turns around and walks out of the barn with his head down and his shoulders slumped. “I don’t know what more you want from me. I came here and gave you my side of it, and that’s all I can do. All I ask of you is that you don’t treat your mother or Kallie with resentment.” He blinks away the tears that I see swimming in his eyes. “They don’t deserve any of this,” he says. He walks out, leaving me to sit down, and I finally let out the tears I was holding back.

  Chapter Nine

  Emily

  “What do you mean you’re leaving today?” I ask Drew as he stands in the middle of my kitchen. After I closed the door and locked it, I dragged my ass to my room and blocked it all out. I slept until I heard a knock on the door, opening it to see Drew standing there in his khakis and a polo shirt.