“It won’t fit.” I make the excuse and walk out of the house to her laughter. I put the box into the trunk and make my way over to the house where he is staying. The sun is slowly setting when I pull up to the house. I get the box out of the back and walk up the steps to the front door. I press the doorbell and wait.
My heart is beating so fast that I’m surprised my shirt isn’t moving. The sound of it echoes in my ears, and my mouth is suddenly so dry that I feel like I’m swallowing sand every time I try to swallow. I wait for a minute, and nothing happens, and the adrenaline suddenly starts to go away, and I have a slight moment of panic.
“What the fuck am I doing here?” I say to myself and then look at the box in my hands. “Oh, good god, this is a bad idea.”
I turn to walk away, hoping that maybe he’s not even home. Looking up, I wonder if there are cameras, and then I close my eyes tight. Obviously, there are cameras. This is Casey’s house.
“Fuck,” I hiss to myself, and when I take one step down from the step, I hear the lock open. I look down and wonder if the earth can open and swallow me right about now. I also make a mental note to kill Jenna for not stopping me.
“Em.” He says my name, and I turn around, coming face-to-face with him. He’s wearing shorts that go low on his hips and nothing else. His hair is wet, and he still has drops of water on his chest.
“I was in the shower,” he says, but all I can do is look at him, my eyes roaming his chest as if I’ve never seen him naked before. My eyes fall on the scars that he has on the side of his ribs. “Did you need something?” he says.
“Um …” I look up at him and see his smirk. Fine, he knows that I love his body. It’s not like I kept it a secret when we were dating, but I hate him now so there is that. “I came to return your things.”
“My things?” he says, and I hand him the box. “These are yours. I couldn’t give you them before, so I thought I would return them now.” He just looks at me. “Take the box,” I say, raising my voice.
He grabs the box. “Do you want to come in?”
“No. I just came to give you back your things,” I say, turning and walking away.
“I’ll ask my mom for your stuff,” he says, and I stop on the step.
“No need to. She returned it to me five years ago,” I say and see the shock on his face. I make my way back to the truck without stumbling and pull away from the house. He watches the whole time, and when I’m finally out of sight, I let the tears fall.
Chapter Fourteen
Ethan
I watch her drive away, and only when I don’t see her anymore do I walk back inside the house, going straight for the couch. I sit with the box on my lap, just staring at it.
When I was in the shower and heard the doorbell, I thought I was hearing things until she rang the bell again. I rushed out, not expecting her when I opened the door.
She was one step away from bolting, and her face looked so beautiful that it literally took my breath away. I couldn’t understand why she was here, and I wanted nothing more than for her to come in so we could talk. I was hoping she’d come over so we could talk. I never expected her to be returning all my stuff.
My hands shake as I open the lid to the box and find my T-shirt right on top. Picking it up, I run my hands over it. She used to wear this all the time to bed. She would make me wear it when I was over and then cuddle up to it when I would leave. Placing it beside me, I see the pictures next, and everything hits me right away. I take them out and look through them. The picture of us on the beach with the purple sunrise was the day I knew in my heart that she was the one. I mean, I knew before then that she was the one, but at that moment, watching her as her eyes lit up when the sun rose just cemented that there was no one else I wanted to be with. There was no one else for me, and I knew it then. I know it even more now.
There is one of my class books and some random papers that I left over there, but in the bottom corner is the brown velvet box. My heart beats so fast in my chest I have to move the box off my lap. My mouth is suddenly dry and my palms sweaty. Opening the box, I see the engagement ring sitting in the middle of it. My hand moves to take the ring out of the box, and I hold the ring between my thumb and forefinger. Looking down at the ring, I remember the day I gave it to her.
“Sunrise,” I whispered when my alarm went off at four thirty that morning. I didn’t plan to drive up and see her, but with the ring in my pocket, I didn’t want to wait another minute. I kissed her neck. “Sunrise.” She turned over this time and cuddled into me like she always did when she didn’t want to get up. “I have a surprise for you,” I said, and she groaned. Moving her hand down, she grabbed my cock. “Not that surprise.” I laughed at her and pushed her hand away. It took one touch from her, and I lost all my senses.
I scrambled to get out of bed as I hopped over her. I put my T-shirt on and then slipped on my jeans. “Why are you getting dressed?” She opened one eye this time. “You don’t have to leave for another two hours.”
“I want to watch the sunrise with you,” I told her, and her eyes lit up as she smiled. “So get dressed.” She got up and put on sweatpants and my shirt. She slipped on her flip-flops and grabbed my hand. We walked to our special part of the grass, and she sat in front of me as usual. I pushed her hair aside and kissed her neck right beneath her ear. “I love doing this with you.”
“It’s my favorite time of the day,” she said as she laid her head back on my shoulder far enough for me to kiss her. “Every day with you is my favorite.” She looked ahead as I waited for the sun to peek out from the horizon.
When I saw the little yellow start to come out, I moved into place. I got in front of her on one knee, but she didn’t know what was going on until I took the box out of my pocket. “Sunrise.” Tears poured down her face, and she put her hands in front of her mouth. “I want to do this with you every single day for the rest of my life. I want to sit with you on our porch and watch every sunrise with you. I want all my days to start with you by my side.” I slid the ring on her finger. “Will you be my wife?” All she could do was nod her head.
I put the ring back in the box and make my way to the bedroom. I can’t explain to anyone how this moment feels. I feel almost empty. When I left her behind, I closed myself off. I locked it down and never looked back, but now seeing her, being near her it’s so much more than I ever thought it would be. I collapse in the bed, and tonight, the nightmares are almost unbearable, so when I wake up gasping for air at four a.m., I give up and head over to the gym. I work out while the sun rises, and at seven fifty-five, I show up at the barn.
“Look who it is,” Quinn says, walking out of the barn. “Dad said you would be coming in.”
“Did he?” I look at him and see that he looks exactly like Casey when he was younger. “Where is he?”
“He had a meeting with Mom somewhere,” he says, “but he said you would know what to do.” I nod my head and look at the training facility where I spent most of my time. I would train before school, and I would train after school on the weekends and all summer. I lived, breathed, and dreamed rodeo. Walking into the training arena, I look up at the banners that are hanging. Some of them because of me and I smile. “Does it look the same?”
I go in a circle and look up and around, the whiteboard in the middle of the room. “It does.” I look at the side where the bulls are in their own separate pens. “How many train in the morning?” I ask.
“Today, it’s just the three of us,” Quinn says, going over to the stands and then grabbing his gloves. “Keith and Reed are going to be here in twenty minutes.”
He walks over to the chute area as one guy loads a bull in its place. I walk over and introduce myself to him, and five minutes later, I’m watching Quinn come out of it. He is bounced off after two seconds. I walk over to him and give him a couple of pointers, and when he tries it again, he stays on longer. When Keith and Reed come into the door, they stop and just look at me.
“Ge
t ready, Reed, you’re up next,” I say, and he just nods, going over to the stands and putting down his bag. He comes back with his gloves on and all he does is listen to my instructions. When it’s Keith’s turn, I see Reed and Quinn sitting there taking in the notes I’m giving him. After two hours of training, the boys grab their bags and head out. Reed stays behind for a second and comes up to me. “What’s up?”
“Chelsea said she spoke with you,” he starts. “She says that you’re sorry about leaving.”
“I am,” I say, walking over and grabbing a water bottle and downing it all. “I can’t regret the path I took because it led me to the military, but I am sorry that I didn’t keep in touch.”
“I heard you were badass,” he says, taking his own drink of water. “Will you tell me about it sometime?”
“Anytime you want,” I say. He nods and then runs to the truck, but I call his name. “Reed.”
He turns around. “Did Chelsea tell you to be nicer to me?” I ask, wondering why his attitude changed overnight.
“She might have,” he says. “Mom also told me I had no choice.”
“Well, I’m happy that we can get to know each other,” I say. “See you later.”
“See you.” He turns and jogs to Quinn’s truck, getting into the back. I’m watching them drive away when Casey comes driving down. After he parks and gets out, I see he’s wearing a suit.
“You’re a little overdressed for the rodeo there, big guy,” I joke, and he smirks.
“My wife likes when I dress up for her.” He winks at me.
“That’s fucking gross,” I say, and he just laughs at me.
“How did practice go?” he asks, and I nod.
“Quinn’s good,” I say. “He needs more confidence in himself, though. He needs to stop second-guessing himself.”
“I told him the same thing.” He smiles. “Boys need a coach. I need a coach. I need someone who’s riding on bulls and who’s good with horses. Basically, I need the best of the best.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “I’m the best there is.”
“Maybe thirty years ago,” I joke. “But don’t you have a coach?”
“We did, we do, but he’s not interested in training the kids anymore. He wants to just do the stuff around here.”
“So he doesn’t want the dirty work.” I shake my head. “When do you have to know?”
“What else do you have going on?” he asks, turning to get into his truck. “We are having dinner at our house. See you tonight at six.”
“Um, I was thinking that I would ease into family functions,” I say.
“Good. See you at six.” He doesn’t let me answer before he climbs back in his truck.
I show up for dinner, and it’s just Casey and his family. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be, and talk is very neutral.
The next day, I get to the arena earlier and make notes for the boys. The week flies by, but something doesn’t sit well with me. Every night, I get home, shower, cook, and sit looking over the pictures over and over again. I look out the window, seeing the stars in the sky, and I make a rash decision. I should think about this before I go over there, but it’s been five days, and I haven’t seen her or heard her voice.
Walking up the steps, I see that there is a light on inside. I ring the doorbell, but no one comes to the door. I ring it again, and this time, I peek into the windows. I don’t see anyone there, but the light on, and her car is parked in the driveway. I don’t even know her number to call her, so instead, I walk around to her backyard. As soon as I turn around the corner, I see her lying in the hammock looking up at the stars. I wonder what she’s thinking about. I wonder if she thinks of me sometimes. I wonder if she’s ever sat looking up at the stars and told me how her day was going like I used to do to her. She must sense me here because she looks over at me and looks shocked that I’m here.
“What are you doing here?” she asks, getting out of the hammock. I see that she’s wearing yoga pants and a big T-shirt. Her neck is totally exposed, making me want to kiss her right under her ear. I wonder if she still giggles when you get too close to her ear. “I can’t do this with you.”
“I want my stuff back,” I say, and she looks at me, her eyebrows pinching together.
“I gave you your stuff back.” She shakes her head. “Everything that I had of yours was in the box.” She walks away from me now toward the door of her house. She puts her hand on the door handle, and I finally speak.
“That isn’t what I’m talking about,” I say, and she looks over her shoulder. “My mother returned your things five years ago. Those were mine, and I want them back.” Her mouth opens. “I want it all back.”
Chapter Fifteen
Emily
“I want it all back,” he says the words, and I tighten my hand on the handle of the door. This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I’ve had so many up and down moments that I was counting down the hours until tonight. Until the weekend when I could stay in my house and recharge my batteries. Next week is going to be better. “I want everything that is mine back.” I snap at that last sentence and turn around going to him now.
Standing on the top step and looking down at him, I remember how I used to stand and look at him and how he used to take my breath away. But now, I’m seeing him with his white shirt on, his tattoo on his forearm, the hard look in his eyes, and his muscles much bigger than before. His legs are thicker than last time. Now not only does he take my breath away but he also stops my heart, and I hate it. “You are never getting it back,” I spit at him. “I don’t know what game you’re playing, Ethan, but I’m not playing it with you.”
“I would never play that game with you, Em,” he says the words so soft, and then he trails off at the end when he says my name, shaking his head. “Never. Not before and not now, especially with you.”
“Then what the fuck is this?” I throw my hands up. “This is the third time you’ve shown up at my door. Three. I thought after I told you that you shouldn’t be here, you would respect me and just let me be.” I take a deep inhale. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?” My voice gets higher, and I take one step down, closer to him. “Do you think this is easy for me?” I don’t even know if I’m asking him or telling him. “Do you think seeing you doesn’t do anything do me? Do you think it’s easy for me? I can’t keep doing this with you.” I’m almost pleading him. “I don’t want to do this with you. You left me.” I point at my chest. “You left me,” I repeat. “So you don’t get to be hurt or angry or want things. You don’t get that.”
“Just because I left doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt,” he says, and I wonder if his hugs would make me feel just as they did before. I wonder if I would feel invincible as long as I was in his arms. I wonder how many other people felt that in his arms, and then I shake my head as the tears start to sting my eyes.
“Being away from you was the hardest thing I ever did.” He shakes his head and looks down. “But I had to do it for me. I had to find out what kind of man I was.” He puts his hands on his head. “How could I be the right man for you if I didn’t even know what man I was inside me?” He puts his hands on his chest, and for the first time, I see the turmoil he must have gone through. “I was lost.” His voice is almost broken. “I was empty, Sunrise.” I don’t tell him not to call me that; I just listen to him. “No matter how much I loved you, I didn’t love me.”
“Why can’t you just let me be?” I blink away the tears, but one escapes, and it slowly rolls down my cheek. “Why can’t you just let me be? I was moving on.” I put my hand on my stomach to calm the nerves down, ignoring the fact that I used the past tense instead of I am moving on. “I’m engaged, and I’m getting married. I have a right to be happy.”
“Do you love him?” When he asks his question, my heart beats so hard and so fast in my chest that I think for sure he is going to hear it. “I just need to know if you love him.” He puts one hand on the railing.
“Why are you doing
this?” I shout. I don’t stop myself. “Why?”
“Tell me you love him.” He almost dares me.
“Will that make you leave me alone?” I ask, and he looks down, but when he looks up again, I get lost in his eyes. “Will you walk away and leave me alone if I tell you that?” I don’t wait for him to answer.
“I love him,” I say in a soft whisper, and I turn to walk into the house. I slam the door this time, locking it behind me. I turn off all the lights and force myself not to open the door again. I force myself not to go to him and ask if he found someone. I try to force myself not to even think about him, but I fail at that one.
I sit in the bathtub until the water turns cold. The only thing I can see in my head is his eyes, his look. The way he spoke of how he felt when he left, and the desperation in his words to be the man who I know he is. When I slip into bed naked, I look over at the red numbers glowing on the clock and see it’s almost eleven.
I turn over, checking my phone, and see that Drew didn’t call me. He called this morning, and when I told him that I wasn’t coming out to see him, he was angry and hung up on me. I was done with his attitude, so I didn’t call him back. But I did text him when I got home just to tell him, and he hasn’t answered me back. I open my text again and send him another one.
Me: Going to bed. Call me tomorrow.
I look at the phone to see if the white bubble comes up with the three dots, but it doesn’t. Placing it back on the side table, I turn and close my eyes.
My dreams are all of Ethan—his smile, his touch, his laughter, his hugs, and his kisses. And when I finally wake up, tears have soaked my pillow. Turning over, I see it’s almost six, so I get up, slip on my robe, and walk to the kitchen. I start my coffee, and when my cup is full, I open the back door just in time to see him walking away from my house. I stop in my tracks. Did he stay here all night? He must sense me because he turns around and spots me standing here. “I didn’t mean to stay,” he says from beside the hammock. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I must have dozed off.” He looks down and then up. “I’m sorry,” he says and walks away from me. As I watch him walk away from me, I press my hand on my chest over my heart. I sit down on the stoop and watch him walk away as the sun comes up.
Southern Sunrise Page 9