“It’s not that I don’t want to marry you, Steven.”
“Then what? Tell me please because I’m going insane here.”
“You may not want to marry me anymore when I tell you what I need to tell you.”
I dropped the ring back in my pocket and kissed her hand. Waiting for the bottom of my world to fall out.
“Why?” I asked carefully.
“The baby,” she said slowly. “I don’t think it’s yours, Steven.”
I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t look at her either. It was my turn to stare down Kyle. “Sister huh?” He dropped his gaze toward the floor.
“Steven...? Steven, I know this must be hard for you but you have to know, it happened before we met. Steven? Steven say something. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
My gut was churning. I felt as if I’d just been sucker punched. I did some deep breathing before I turned and said, “I...I don’t know what to think. Thirsty right now.”
“What?”
I walked over to the sink, took a glass out of the cupboard and turned the tap on. I needed a distraction to get my head on straight. Also to keep my temper in check so I didn’t say something I would regret. I drained the glass while the woman I loved and my new friend, if I still wanted to call him that, waited behind me. I was prepared to follow the calm and thoughtful voice that said, ‘all you have to do is accept this, accept her’, but when I felt her arms around my waist I couldn’t speak. I turned, gently lifted her hands from my hips and looked her in the eye. “You told me there was nothing between you. Just friendship.”
“I...That’s right.”
“Then what was it we had? Was that friendship too?” Now I realized something entirely different. It wasn’t that I needed to accept her; I needed to know if she accepted me. And on the same level that burned inside my broken heart. If she didn’t, then why the hell was I even here?
“No, Steven. It’s not the same for you and I. Never was.”
I ran a finger down her cheek, caught the stray tear falling there. “I need to go,” I said. “This is too much to take in right now.”
Chapter 18
Steven
“What did that candy machine ever do to you?” Harvey said behind me. I was kicking the damn thing trying to get my quarters back but nothing was working. “Fucker.”
“Hey!”
“Not you. The machine. Damn thing ate my quarters.” I gave the machine another whack with my foot. The Mounds bar I’d selected didn’t budge even though I’d kicked the big glass and metal box so hard, I nearly broke my foot
“Oh,” said Harvey. “Can’t you read, Doctor Russo? Or are you so love-struck after your romantic evening you didn’t notice?” He pointed to a piece of paper taped to the machine. This machine eats quarters. Maintenance on Friday.
“Fuck,” I said again, then dropped down in a chair.
“Whoa,” said Harvey. “Sounds like she said no.”
“What?”
“N-O. As in no I won’t marry you?”
“Oh.” I scanned the lab reports in front of me.
“Well...” Harvey pressed. “Did she or didn’t she?”
“Huh?”
“Say no.”
“I didn’t ask her.” I let out a breath not liking where this conversation was going.
Now I had to let this asshole know my girl is pregnant with another man’s kid. Great! It will be all over the hospital by noon.
“Why not?”
“Timing was off.”
“Excuse me. How many dozen roses did you buy again?”
“I didn’t buy any damn roses and if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to look at these lab. reports if you don’t mind.”
He placed a hand on my shoulder.
“Can we talk about this later?”
“Sure, man. No problem.” He took a stethoscope from his locker, slung it around his neck, and then dropped a tiny otoscope in his jacket pocket. He turned to look at me before leaving. “For the record, if you don’t put your mark on that one, someone else will.”
I didn’t look up from my coffee. I was still trying to get my head around Mattie being pregnant with another man’s baby. It would be easier to accept if some time had gone by, but one thing kept going through my brain. She slept with two men in the same twenty-four hours! Was I man enough to live with that information hanging over my head? Not like it would ever go away. An innocent child was going to be born.
Not mine.
I glanced at my watch. One hour. I’d been sitting here for a whole hour. In an awful mood and ready to kill someone, I’d skipped breakfast. Hunger only made my rotten disposition worse.
My mouth salivated when I sniffed the sugary scent of five boxes filled with Dunkin Donuts on a table by the window. A weakness I knew but since meeting Mattie, she’d convinced me—like I didn’t know any way—how my unhealthy eating habits needed to change. I thought about eating a chocolate frosted éclair, my favorite, could almost taste the gooey fudge inside my mouth. Then I thought about the calories. I grabbed five sugar packets instead, ripped them open, and poured the contents into my coffee. I could disguise my sugar fix with coffee if need be.
Why the hell am I here? I’d only dropped in the hospital to look at lab results since they’d not been placed on the portal yet. Two days had already passed which was unacceptable, something I desperately needed to address at the next meeting. Pleased with the results so far, at least my suspicions on four cases had been correct, I shuffled the papers into a pile, then dropped them in my briefcase. I’d add them to patient charts on my way out.
“Doctor Russo...”
A couple of my colleagues with interns in a far corner of the room, were drinking coffee and scoffing down donuts. A few of them waved me over to their table.
“I am totally fried,” I heard a blonde comment.
New intern, I reasoned.
“We spent four hours in the hole digging for an appendix on a twenty-five-year-old woman,” said Doctor Thomas.
“Hey Russo, tell Jane here how long an appendectomy is supposed to take.”
I strolled over to their table. “Depends. Laparoscopic or...?”
“The whole enchilada,” said Doctor Thomas.
“And the patient?” I asked.
“Let’s just say she was a bit fluffy,” the blonde chimed in.
“How fluffy?”
“Three clinic units fluffy,” answered Doctor Thomas. “Lady has a thyroid problem and she doesn’t believe in doctors. Frequent flyer too. I’m surprised she let us operate this time.”
“Ah.” I turned to the blonde. “As for time... Be glad it only took four hours and that she didn’t need me in there too.”
“You mean her heart?”
“Exactly.” Suddenly the donuts weren’t so appealing to me after all. “I gotta run, gang. This is supposed to be my day off.”
“And that kiddies, is Doctor Steven Russo, the king of hearts.,” I heard behind me as I left. For the first time this morning, a smile lit up my face.
WHEN I ARRIVED AT MY grandmother’s apartment, I found the door ajar, the television blaring and Nonna asleep in her recliner. It was only eight o’clock in the morning, a half hour earlier than I usually came by.
I patted her hand.
Her eyes fluttered open. “Oh. Steven. What are you doing here?”
“It’s Friday, Nonna.”
“Oh. Right. Are you early?”
“I am.”
“Have to start breakfast then. I’m afraid there’s no banana bread today.”
“That’s okay. Nonna, did you sleep in your chair all night?”
“What?” She looked down at her clothing. “Oh. I guess I did.”
“And the door was open. Why was the front door open?”
“I must not have locked it after I let Seymour out.” She started to rise from her chair, wincing as she did so. “I’ll go make dinner now. You just sit here and watch the Price is Right.”
“Oh, how nice. What did you bring?”
Usually Nonna cooked a full breakfast of eggs, home fries and bacon for me. Not that I’d ever insisted. I didn’t really care what we ate as long as we were together, but something was off this morning. In the past she’d have been up for hours before my arrival, baking away or working on her cross-stitch.
I placed a bag with two bagel ham and cheese sandwiches in her lap. She peered in the bag with a great big smile. “How I’ve missed someone to share a meal with. Yum, this smells good. So nice that you took the time, Steven. Thank you.”
Guilt stabbed at my heart. Why was it that I came by only once a week? I didn’t like that the door had been open all night either. I was aware of my grandmother’s loneliness but now it was her safety that concerned me as well. Aware also that she sometimes didn’t eat, and I was likely her only company except for the Meals on Wheels that occasionally made an appearance. My father disowned her long ago and my mother—well, she wasn’t even there for a small boy, let alone her frail mother-in-law. “Nonna, why don’t you move in with me?” I asked for about the millionth time. “I have a spare bedroom. I know I work a lot, but I am home most nights. Plus you can teach me how to make pirogues.”
“To tell you the truth, Steven. I’ve actually been thinking about it.”
“What?” I tried to hide my enthusiasm. I slid my chair closer to keep from jumping up and down. I’d been trying to get her to move in with me ever since college. “Oh. Well, good.”
“They raised my rent again,” she said. “And I...There’s no one, Steven. No one but you in my life. You and Seymour that is. You do like Seymour, don’t you?”
“Sure, Nonna.”
An old woman and her cat. Alone. It was just about the saddest thing I could think of.
“Nonna, what took you so long to decide?”
“Why you, Steven. Once your sweetheart moves in, I’m looking forward to little ones running around my feet some day.”
“Not sure that’s gonna happen, Nonna.”
“Oh,” she said, sounding surprised. “I thought...I mean: I was certain by the way you talked about her...” She straightened in her chair. Her eyes widened. “And I like her.”
“So did I, Nonna.”
“So make it right, Steven.”
“I...I don’t know if I can.”
“Steven James Russo, whatever you did or said to that young woman, you fix it! You fix things between you before it’s too late.”
“This can’t be fixed,” I protested.
“Everything can be fixed. Do not—and I repeat—do not carry on the Russo curse.”
“Russo curse?”
“Yes. Do not make the same mistake your father made by marrying a woman he didn’t love.”
“I’m not...”
“You will, Steven. You may not believe me now, but you will. Let her go and you’ll regret that decision for the rest of your life. Eventually, you’ll be so lonely that one day you’ll marry the first woman that comes along. And let me tell you, that’s real loneliness.”
“Nonna, she’s pregnant.”
“Wonderful.” Her face lit with happiness.
“It’s not mine,” I said, the words thick inside my throat.
Not a single sign of displeasure crossed her features. It was as if I’d told her Mattie liked the color blue.
“Did you hear what I said, Nonna?”
“Steven, there are all kinds of families these days. Do you love her?”
“Yes.”
“And I know you like children.” Her voice rose with tone and pitch. “So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is I’d be raising another man’s kid!”
“And that’s a problem because...”
I had to think about that for a minute, but all I could come up with was jealousy and resentment, so I didn’t say anything.
“Did she cheat on you, Steven?”
“No.”
“Steven, I love you with all my heart, but if you don’t get your head out of your ass and get over that enormous ego of yours, you’re going to end up a lonely bitter old man.”
I slumped down in my chair, knowing she was right. Nonna was always right. “So what do I do?”
“That’s for you to figure out but you better do it fast before that baby is born because babies change everything.”
“But...”
“Steven, do you love her?”
“Yes.”
“And do you want a family some day because you’re not getting any younger you know.”
“What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Answer the question!”
“Yeah, I want a family.”
“Then fight for them both.”
Chapter 19
Mattie
The next few months slipped by in a blur. Some things were out of my control—I was as big as a hippopotamus—but that couldn’t be helped. Less fortunate people needed my attention. In addition to my responsibilities, of which I knew would grow once the baby came, I had a lot of decisions to make. Where to live once I vacated my apartment. I was giving the keys to Kyle and his new friend. Whether I should continue to live off my family investments or get a real job. Adult decisions.
I did make one major decision however. A big one. Wanting to set a good example for my child, I decided to use my medical degree. I figured I needed to grow up sometime.
In the beginning, my own fury was all that kept me going. Between my anger directed at Steven—I’d decided I would not under any circumstances take him back, even if he crawled to me on hands and knees—although I suspect that particular stubborn personality trait of mine was due to crazy hormones rolling around my enormous body. Add in the constant nausea, exhaustion and achy boobs, my life, it seemed, was on auto-pilot. Rise at eight, throw up, eat crackers, throw up, settle in front of the television until lunch time, go to the Mission for two hours, which wasn’t nearly enough time but beyond that I kept falling asleep and then sometimes throw up again, although it had been settling down in the evenings. Thank God.
On my way to a piece of property I’d just purchased, I passed a store with mannequins wearing tuxedos. They reminded me of Steven and the magical night we’d shared. He’d been so attentive, so romantic and sweet. He hadn’t even minded that Kyle gave me a ride. Of course carrying another man’s baby was a different story. What else could I expect? Tears filled my eyes and I almost missed my turn. What a mess I’d made of our lives. I should have told Steven about Kyle from the very beginning. Maybe if I had, my impending pregnancy would not have been such a shocker.
One thing Steven would approve of was the green Subaru, Mama insisted on giving me for my birthday. He’d tell me it was about freaking time too. And he’d be right. I realized that—finally—when I tried to carry a bassinet onto the bus one day. Carrying a baby, plus diaper bag and whatever else little kids needed would be a hassle as well. A hassle I was spoiled enough to avoid. I may have been stubborn, but I was also a bit lazy.
I rested a hand on my belly feeling a kick for the first time. “Oh man,” I said to myself. “That is so cool.” A lady on the bus looked at me and smiled.
In the beginning of my pregnancy, I thought I’d do a paternity test, but the bigger I became, the more I decided against it, because really...did it matter? There were all kinds of families these days. I thought it more important that the father be involved with my child, and Kyle would be involved. It didn’t matter how. Father or special Uncle. He’d already bought half a room full of baby furniture and this ridiculously large giraffe stuffed in my trunk. That was more than what Steven had done. If he didn’t want me and my baby, then he could go fuck himself! We were a package. It didn’t matter who was the father. A baby is a baby is a baby.
I arrived at the property, a large abandoned building beside a weed-strewn ball-field and a bakery that looked as if it had been
closed for quite some time.
I shut off the car but left the keys in the ignition while I drank some bottled water.
The houses were old and two of them had graffiti written on the front. I knew from my research, a shooting took place only half a block from here and several ladies were arrested for prostitution the week before. This was in one of the worst neighborhoods, but that sort of was the point. The Mission needed to be visible. Visible to men, women, and children who’d lost hope. People without transportation. Old people who couldn’t get around. I hoped that when they gazed on the Mission in their own backyard every day, they’d know someone cared. That was the plan anyway. I still had the zoning board to deal with and all kinds of permits to obtain.
I sat back in my seat, rubbing my belly. I watched an old woman push a grocery cart across the street. The cart’s rickety wheels caught on the curb. When she bent forward to lift it up, I scanned what looked like three different layers beneath a grey woolen coat she was wearing, the raggedy hem dipping into a puddle. Would she come to my Mission one day or was I reading too much into someone who survived day to day in some kind of simple existence without needing or wanting any other person’s help. I had to be careful. It would be too easy to pigeon hole this population. I turned the key in the ignition, pulled away from the curb, and headed for the hospital to start my day.
The first rays of sunlight fell across the parking lot leading me straight to a sign with my name on it. “Doctor Goldwater,” I read aloud. “This does look nice. What have I been waiting for?”
Waddling into the Clinic, the secretary, a woman I’d not been introduced to as of yet gazed up and said, “They’re all waiting for you, Doctor.”
“All? Um, okay. Thank you...”
“Erika. Erika Walters.”
“Nice to meet you Erika.” She was seated behind a purple partition and sliding acrylic doors. I turned around.
Three patients had already seated themselves in the waiting room. Well, three patients and one doctor.
“What are you doing here, Steven?”
My eyes narrowed. I sensed a conspiracy when an old man with broken teeth gave Steven a thumbs up.
Doctor Steamy Page 14