The Boy Who Was Wanted Dead Or Alive - Or Both

by Dominic Barker

  Blart and Uther needed no further encouragement. They rushed through Gibb’s Pasture, through the gate and over Gibb’s Field as fast as their unremoved legs could carry them.

  Chapter 24

  ‘No’ said Blart. ‘No, no, no, no, no.’

  ‘It’s our only hope,’ said Capablanca.

  ‘Then we’ll be hopeless,’ said Blart. ‘I don’t mind being hopeless. Everybody has been telling me that I’m hopeless all my life and it’s never done me any harm.’

  ‘This is not a matter of you being hopeless,’ said Capablanca. ‘This is a matter of the whole quest being hopeless, which is a much more important matter. Now, for the last time, will you do it?’

  ‘No,’ said Blart firmly.

  Blart and Capablanca turned away from each other and a sullen silence descended over the group.

  Blart and Uther had returned to the other questors and informed them of the good news – that they had found Pig the Horse – and the bad news – that Pig the Horse was guarded by six strong brothers sporting bushy moustaches, who would tear the limbs off anybody who attempted to steal the horse. Capablanca had then thought long and hard and had come up with a plan that was designed to help free Pig the Horse. The plan was for Blart to run away to the circus. Capablanca explained it like this:

  ‘Beserker has already met Blart and he has been convinced that he is a huge fan of the circus. Blart and Uther will go and see the show tonight. Afterwards Blart will pretend to give his uncle the slip and will go and find Beserker and ask if he can run away with the circus. Children are always running away with circuses – it’s how they get most of their members. Blart will work very hard so that everyone in the circus likes him. Then, when everyone in the circus is asleep, Blart will sneak into the tent where Pig is being held and untie him. He will climb on Pig’s back, charge out of the tent and fly him to a place where we will all be waiting. Immediately we will jump on his back and fly off to find Zoltab’s prison.’

  Capablanca had stopped and sat back with a satisfied smile on his face after giving all the details of this masterly plan. Blart had set his face into its most stubborn mask of rejection and said, ‘No, no, no, no, no.’ Which was where we came in.

  ‘If you don’t do it,’ Beo threatened Blart, ‘I’ll cleave you in two.’

  ‘If I do it,’ Blart retorted, ‘then I’ll have all my limbs torn off and thrown to the lions.’

  ‘Does it have to be Blart that goes?’ asked Uther.

  ‘Of course it does,’ answered Capablanca. ‘He is a young boy, and it is only the young who run away with circuses. Adults recognise that it is far more fun to just watch circuses and then go home and put their feet up in their nice warm houses.’

  ‘I’m young,’ said Princess Lois. ‘I could do it.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ said a shocked Capablanca. ‘You are a princess and what is more you are a woman. I could not put royal blood in danger.’

  ‘Forget about me being a princess. Pig is a great horse and I want to rescue him. I will do it whether it’s part of your plan or not, so you might as well let me.’

  ‘I forbid it,’ insisted Beo. ‘For a warrior to stand idly by while a damsel who is undistressed becomes distressed is the most heinously unchivalrous act.’

  ‘And yet I fear it is the only solution,’ said Capablanca. ‘for if Blart will not do it then what choice do we have?’

  ‘You should do it,’ Beo shouted at Capablanca, ‘rather than risk a wee red girl.’

  ‘I’m not wee,’ said Princess Lois angrily.

  ‘You are a great sorcerer. Surely you could cast a spell which would allow us to sneak past these strong men and free Pig.’

  The warrior’s argument was powerful. All of the questors stared at Capablanca and their faces asked the same question. Why shouldn’t the great wizard be able to rescue Pig?

  Instead Capablanca looked most uncomfortable. He began fidgeting with his cowl.

  ‘I was wondering when you’d notice,’ he muttered.

  ‘Notice what?’ said Blart, who hadn’t noticed anything.

  ‘The thing is,’ the wizard went on sheepishly, ‘and it really is most embarrassing – but I am forced to confess that at the moment I am under investigation by the wizards’ committee at the Cavernous Library of Ping as a result of my alleged misunderstanding of ancient scrolls and prophecies, and whilst under suspension I have had my magic powers taken away. I can no longer cast any spells whatsoever.’

  ‘But,’ interrupted Uther, ‘when we were fleeing from the Duke’s men you turned Blart and me into pigs. That was magic. If you could do it then, why can’t you do it now?’

  Capablanca looked forlorn.

  ‘That was my emergency magic,’ he explained. ‘When a wizard is suspended he is allowed one emergency burst of magic while the investigation is being undertaken. This allows him to get out of a life-threatening situation. After he uses it he is then supposed to return to the wizard’s committee to be issued with one more emergency burst but there was no time to do so. Therefore I stand before you as a spell-free wizard.’

  The questors looked at Capablanca. Without Capablanca’s magic how could they hope to succeed?

  ‘Is that an end to the quest, then?’ asked Blart. ‘Can I go home?’

  Capablanca nodded.

  ‘Of course you’d probably be killed long before you got home because you are seen as an ally of Zoltab.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Blart, who had forgotten that. ‘Maybe I won’t go home straight away, then, but don’t anybody forget that I can.’

  ‘And don’t you forget that there’s nobody to stop me cleaving you in two,’ said Beo, gripping the handle of his sword.

  Blart was beginning to realise that the loss of Capablanca’s magic powers might not be such a good thing.

  ‘Indeed,’ continued the warrior menacingly, ‘if you don’t agree to go and join the circus right now I might do just that.’

  ‘But …’ began Blart.

  ‘Right now,’ insisted Beo and the grip on his sword became firmer.

  ‘I’ll do it,’ said Blart.

  Beo’s grip relaxed.

  ‘I’m still doing it too,’ said Princess Lois. ‘He’s bound to make a mess of it if I’m not there to help.’

  ‘It is good of you to care for Blart,’ observed Capablanca. ‘It is what a quest is all about – the forming of alliances and friendships between those who would not normally work side by side.’

  ‘I don’t care about stoat-features,’ snapped back the Princess. ‘I care about Pig the Horse. Blart’s too stupid to save him without me.’

  And so it was agreed that Blart and Princess Lois should both run away and join the circus.

  Chapter 25

  The clowns bowed, the jugglers bowed, the acrobats bowed, the fire eater bowed and, after a sneaky crack of the whip from the ringmaster, even Pig the Horse flapped his wings and bowed. The performance was over.

  ‘Clap and cheer as wildly as you can,’ hissed Uther, who was sitting in between Blart and Princess Lois. ‘You must look as if you’ve had the most fantastic time.’

  The circus performers took one final bow and they danced out of the big tent. The audience stopped clapping and began chattering excitedly and filing out into Gibb’s Field.

  ‘Now is the time for you to slip away from me,’ whispered Uther. ‘Good luck.’ And then out loud he said, ‘Come along, children, we must hurry back to town. Uncle Uther is thirsty.’

  Uther led the way. Blart and Princess Lois followed, but in the mass of people crushed in the aisle and pushing for the exit they seemed to lose contact with Uther.

  Uther left the tent in the middle of the crowd. Blart and Princess Lois turned round and together forced themselves against the flow of the crowd back into the tent.

  ‘Don’t do anything stupid and mess this up, stoat-features,’ whispered Princess Lois.

  ‘Show’s over, boys and girls.’

  Blart and Princess Lois turned r
ound and found themselves face to face with a clown – a clown whose baggy trousers were saggy and threadbare and whose make-up was no longer quite so bright and cheerful as it had been during his recent performance.

  ‘We know,’ said Princess Lois.

  ‘Clear off, then,’ said the clown.

  ‘We want to see Mr Beserker,’ said Princess Lois.

  ‘I want to see a big bag of gold with my name on,’ answered the clown. ‘We don’t always get what we want.’

  ‘Mr Beserker will want to see us,’ insisted Princess Lois with a confidence she didn’t really feel.

  ‘Are you going to give him any money?’

  They shook their heads.

  ‘Then I doubt very much that he’ll want to see you,’ said the clown. ‘Beserker cares only for money.’

  ‘Please be so good as to tell Mr Beserker we wish to see him.’

  ‘I’m warning you,’ said the clown. ‘He won’t like being disturbed by children.’

  ‘Thank you for your concern,’ said Princess Lois imperiously. ‘Now if you would be good enough to fetch him.’

  There were times when having been brought up as a member of a royal family certainly helped.

  The clown grumbled a bit but he soon left the tent to do the Princess’s bidding.

  ‘I didn’t say anything,’ pointed out Blart. ‘So don’t get distressed.’

  ‘I will be distressed until we can free Pig from this terrible place,’ answered the Princess. ‘The only way you can stop me being distressed is to make that happen.’

  ‘You don’t look distressed,’ maintained Blart. ‘You look angry. You’re supposed to be looking happy because you want to run away with the circus.’

  ‘I’ll look happy when I have to,’ said the Princess.

  Beserker strode into the tent with his whip in his hand. The time to look happy had obviously arrived.

  Blart smiled. Princess Lois smiled.

  Beserker didn’t smile. Instead he stared with intense anger at Blart.

  ‘You again,’ he thundered.

  Blart nodded and tried hard to keep smiling.

  ‘Haven’t you wasted enough of my time today?’ demanded Beserker. ‘What do you want? And be quick about it.’

  Beserker cracked the whip on the ground.

  ‘My cousin and I would like to join the circus,’ said Blart.

  ‘What?’ demanded Beserker.

  ‘We’d like to join the circus, please,’ said Princess Lois. ‘We had the most fantastic time tonight watching the performance and so we’d like to join.’

  ‘I’m full,’ answered Beserker. ‘I don’t need anyone else. So be gone.’

  ‘We wouldn’t want any wages or anything,’ said Princess Lois.

  ‘Wages!’ Beserker’s face darkened at the mention of the words. ‘What is the world coming to when children are learning words like wages? When I first joined the circus I counted myself lucky to be able to work until I dropped and eat the scraps left over from the fire-eater’s dinner.’

  ‘We’d only eat scraps and leftovers,’ said Blart.

  Beserker’s face lightened.

  ‘Now we’re talking sense,’ he said. ‘So tell me what can you do.’

  Blart and Princess Lois were silent.

  ‘Come on,’ said Beserker, cracking his whip once more. ‘What skills have you got?’

  ‘I could be an acrobat,’ said the Princess suddenly.

  ‘Show me,’ ordered Beserker.

  The Princess walked into the centre of the ring. She did a handstand. Then she did a cartwheel. Then she did ten cartwheels one after the other going right across the ring. She finished with a spring and a bow.

  ‘Not bad,’ conceded Beserker. ‘Of course you’ll need training. But with that red hair you’d certainly stand out. I might just be persuaded to give you a trial. What about you? What can you do?’

  Beserker stared hard at Blart. Blart asked himself the same question. What could he do? Not much, he told himself.

  ‘I’m a good pig boy,’ Blart announced.

  Even this claim was dubious considering that the last time Blart was in charge of a group of pigs he had lost them playing cards. However, even being a good pig boy did not look like the kind of claim that was going to impress Beserker if the dark colour his face became was any indication.

  ‘Pig boy?’ he repeated angrily. ‘What would I need a pig boy for? Do boys and girls like to see pigs doing tricks? Do boys and girls like to see them wave their muddy snouts in the air?’

  ‘Yes,’ suggested Blart. It was the wrong answer.

  ‘No, they do not,’ roared Beserker with a double crack of his whip. ‘The pig is the most useless of all animals to the circus owner. It isn’t cute and it doesn’t do tricks.’

  ‘I think they’re cute,’ protested Blart.

  ‘Don’t tell me what is cute and what isn’t,’ ordered Beserker. ‘I’ve been in the circus business for twenty years and let me assure you pigs aren’t box office. Now, can you do anything else?’

  Blart couldn’t. He shook his head.

  ‘Then I can’t take you,’ Beserker said. ‘But I can still take Ginger.’

  Princess Lois bristled. Never before had anybody had the temerity to call her Ginger.

  ‘I’m afraid that’s impossible,’ she said. ‘It’s either both of us or neither of us. We’re very close cousins. I’m sure you understand.’

  Beserker was taken aback.

  ‘You’re giving me an ultimatum?’ he demanded.

  Princess Lois nodded.

  ‘Don’t give him anything,’ said Blart.

  ‘I … I … I …’ blustered Beserker. ‘I should send you both away with a good kick, but …’ It was obvious Beserker had been very impressed with the Princess’s acrobatics and was weighing them against Blart’s uselessness. ‘I suppose your skills looking after pigs would be transferable to other animals,’ he said grudgingly to Blart. Blart nodded. ‘Well, maybe we could take you both on a trial basis.’

  ‘Hurrah!’ said Princess Lois.

  ‘But it will be hard work and …’ Beserker suddenly remembered something. ‘What about your uncle? He seemed very caring when he was trying to get you a glimpse of Diablo.’

  ‘Pig,’ corrected Blart before he could stop himself.

  ‘Stop talking about pigs,’ ordered Beserker. ‘I want to know about your uncle. The last thing I want is relatives coming after me because they think I’ve stolen their nephew and niece.’

  ‘He is a very caring uncle,’ agreed Princess Lois.

  ‘Then I don’t want you,’ said Beserker.

  ‘When he’s sober,’ continued Princess Lois. ‘However, when he’s drunk he forgets all about us. And after the show he was due to go and meet his best friend, Stowshus, in a nearby tavern. He was so eager to get there that he left us behind. Normally when he meets up with Stowshus they drink for two days and two nights and then sleep for a day.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Beserker. ‘That puts a different perspective on things. Drunken uncles do not usually turn up demanding we give their children back. Welcome to the circus.’

  Blart and Princess Lois smiled.

  ‘Now get to work,’ ordered Beserker. ‘I want to see this big tent cleared up entirely before you go to bed. What are you staring at? Get working.’

  Beserker stalked out of the big tent. Blart and Princess Lois reluctantly began to clear up the big tent, picking up all the litter that the night’s audience had just left.

  Some time later Beserker returned and told them that the tent was nowhere near clean enough and if they didn’t do it better he would feed them to the lions and the tigers. Blart and Princess Lois cleaned up even more thoroughly. Beserker returned. He maintained that they had still done an appalling job and that if he weren’t so soft-hearted this would have meant a beating, but as it was their first day he would be lenient. Instead he showed them to their sleeping quarters. He took them outside the tent and indicated a brightly painted c
aravan.

  ‘That’s where you sleep,’ he told them.

  Princess Lois and Blart, who were exhausted from the day’s activity, began to mount the three stairs to the caravan.

  ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ demanded Beserker.

  ‘You said that this was where we sleep,’ replied a confused Princess Lois.

  ‘You sleep underneath,’ Beserker told them. ‘When you start making me some money is when we start thinking about allowing you to sleep indoors.’

  With heavy hearts Blart and Princess Lois lay down under the caravan. The grass was damp and the night was chilly. The glamour of the circus was non-existent.

  Chapter 26

  The crack of Beserker’s whip alerted them to the arrival of a new morning.

  ‘Get up! Get up!’ he demanded. ‘Where do you think you are? Do I keep you here to lie down doing nothing all morning? I do not. Get up! Get up!’

  They crawled out from under the caravan. The sun was only just rising and the air was still cold. After a night in the open both Blart and the Princess felt chilled and stiff.

  ‘You, Ginger,’ Beserker indicated Princess Lois, ‘get to the big top. The acrobats will be there in a moment to begin your lessons. Well, what are you waiting for? Get along with you.’

  Princess Lois swallowed her anger and stomped over towards the big top.

  ‘Now you, Useless.’

  ‘Blart,’ said Blart.

  ‘Useless,’ Beserker assured him. ‘Today you’re on animal feeding and mucking out. Follow me.’

  Beserker led Blart off towards the animal enclosures.

  They reached the cages. Standing by them, looking bored, was a fearsome-looking man with a shaven head and a bushy moustache. Moustaches seemed to be big in the circus.

  ‘This is Legendary Lok the Lion Tamer,’ Beserker told Blart.

  ‘Hello,’ said Blart.

  Lok ignored him.

  ‘This is Useless,’ Beserker told Lok. ‘He’s volunteered to do all the nastiest jobs in the circus. Make sure he gets them.’

  With that Beserker turned and marched away.