The Horrid Tragedy of the Counts Berok: A Comedy Fantasy

by Galen Wolf

  With that, she went to get her tea.

  William and Zventibold took the opportunity of dressing themselves and leered lewdly at the nuns who remained in the courtyard.

  That night was very uncomfortable for both of then as William tended to hoard the blanket and Zventibold to whistle in his sleep. They were both glad when morning came and Helena returned with their breakfast and a small green bottle neatly labelled 'Orgiastic hairy Juice.'

  She said, "She suspected nothing. It was so easy." Helena's face glowed with good natured mischief. She handed the bottle to Zventibold first. "You must take two drops for it to work properly."

  Zventibold smiled and gingerly emptied out two drops of the amber liquid which, once removed from its bottle began to hiss and steam. He measured them into the bottle top and then with a click of his neck, he swigged them back. Instantly, he seconds he doubled up shrieking in agony. "Pffffiiiiiiii!" he shrieked - now rolling his eyes and now pulling at his hair.

  "Kwffaaaaaai!" he yowled and the first monkey hair became visible - sprouting wildly from his face and arms. He fell to the ground ripping off his clothes and soon he looked more like a monkey than most actual apes. After a minute or so the yowling stopped and he stood up thickly covered in hair. He scratched his head end said, "Gosh that was nice mum, can I have some more?"

  "No, Zventi - that would surely be fatal. The hair would grow on your insides and choke up your workings. This is what happened to one of our orgiastic victims. He was so dear to us. There he is over there." She pointed to a rug by the doorway. "Now it's William's turn." She extended the bottle to William. William however had other ideas. He had flattened himself against the wall and his eyes were full of fear. His limbs shook, although they were heavily corded by his ungainly sinews. It was obvious he hoped to bore an escape route through the wall with the friction of his shaking. "No, ar. Ye don't unnerstand. I baint liking being a monkey. I 'ave an unreasoning 'atred of these 'airy creatures. I wouldn't make a monkey." He could see Helena was unmoved. He tried another line of argument. "Because I baint liking bananas an' stuff,"

  Helena became commanding."William, if thou wouldst live, drink now of this bottle of hairiness.

  William, visibly cowed by this, took the bottle without another word of dissent. Soon he was an old, tired, angular monkey. "I baint like this," was all he said.

  Helena turned to both of them. "Now, as we go out remember to make many monkey-like whoops and gibbers. We must go and collect some other monkeys for the pilgrimage.

  With that they went out, half heartedly whooping and gibbering into the corridor and from there into the morning sun.

  They found the monkey pen and Helena introduced them to their monkey companions; Scimp and Scamp. The two monkeys eyed William and Zventibold with open hostility at first, but soon warmed to them and seemed to want to become close friends. William wailed in horror at this onslaught and fiercely refused to surrender to Scamp's love. It took many kicks and blows to persuade Scimp and Scamp to desist from their amorous behaviour. After this they walked sullenly behind, occasionally biting William's buttocks. Scimp and Scamp were in fact very ugly monkeys but to the eye of the bystander they were neither as hideous in form nor as surly in manner as the monkey William or the monkey Zventibold.

  They found Sister Ugena in her cell. She was a still nubile woman of early middle age and her leotard flattered her. She arose from her wooden meditation bench when she saw Helena and the monkeys enter. The cell was dark and bare apart from a chromium statuette of Hector which depicted him seated amongst a number of apes.

  "My Helena, these are charming little monkeys! What's this one's name ?" Ugena asked, stroking William's head. Helena thought fast. "That one's Little Axtos," she said finally.

  "Named after the Autocrat; how patriotic." Ugena smiled broadly. She was a woman of pleasant and jovial personality but she had been a Duke's sex slave for fifteen years and it had left its mark. "Are you sure you wish to go ahead with this pilgrimage? It could be very hazardous," said Ugena,

  "I am sure." said Helena "I must go to make up for all my crimes of passion." And to some measure it was true.

  "The journey should take about a month. Go by Kriptash and from there travel by boat through the jungle valley of the Unterlink until it comes to the edge of the plateau. There you will find the Shrine of Hector."

  "I must say," said Helena, "I'll be glad to get out of the city. The Autocrat is in a terrible mood. It's only mid-morning and he's crucified a thousand paupers already."

  Ugena smiled. "I forgot you had a thing about protecting the poor. Never mind that's all behind you now. You must devote yourself only to Hector."

  Helena smiled whimsically, not without nostalgia for the days of doling out soup to paupers.

  "Anyway," said Ugena. "You better hadn't dally. I'll wish you good luck now." She kissed Helena gently on the cheek. She was fond of all her nuns.

  Helena gestured to the monkeys to leave the cell and, as she turned Ugena caught her eye. She seemed slightly at a loss for words.

  "Helena" she said, "I don't want to sound prissy, but you are aware that close friendships between nuns and monkeys are frowned on by the Order."

  "I know that Ugena," said Helena and with bowed head led her charges out of the door.

  Of course no words passed between them as they went through the corridors of the Nunnery and finally into the street. At first all they noticed was the smell of feet. It was much stronger than they had been used to when they were not loping along at monkey height. They found they could see up the bottoms of most peoples' garments. This was a most entertaining experience for them and provided them with light relief until they reached the city gate.

  Scimp and Scamp now ignored the two pseudo-apes and frolicked gaily around Helena's legs. There were many soldiers in the streets and they dealt vicious blows with their pikes to anyone who came close enough. The sun had not yet risen above the high city walls on this area yet although it was nearly noon. Here the refuse in the gutters had not evaporated, in fact it did not evaporate until Mid-Summer's Day when the sun touched it long enough. They were pushed and jostled many times by passers by but they got their own back in the secret knowledge of the state of repair of the underwear and the abnormal anatomy of these same pushing and jostling louts. Soon they were confronted by the sights and smells of the Bazaar that stood on the main thoroughfare from Axtos Gate.

  Through the high arch of the gate they saw the bright sun and the haze that drifted over the wide burnt plains of the Pirakteshi Plateau. Out there little grew due to the scarcity of water and all they saw was dust except for the green ribbon where flowed the slow, shining waters of the mighty Szerkia. Ahead lay freedom and revenge but Zventibold knew he could not consider himself safe until he was far from Piraktesh over the edge of the plateau where the Szerkia plunges in a sheet of white water and spume a thousand feet into the green jungles of Wamawama.

  He also thought of Melissa. He wondered what she was doing and if she had succumbed to the advances of George, heir to the Diamond Throne. He felt a little tear run over his hairy cheek. Then he saw the livery of the Imperial Soldiery and fear gripped him. How would they get past? Would his hump give him away ?

  The gate was choked with outgoing traffic and every cart and person was searched on the orders of the Autocrat. They waited in a queue for over half an hour, and all that time Zventibold was vowing in his heart that should he get out he would return to the clamour and bustle of this hot, fetid city and perhaps he would bring honour, justice and freedom as his step-father Zamborg Berok had always wanted to do.

  Helena had reached the guards now who were insisting on giving her a body search although as she rightly said the tightness of the leotard made it impossible for her to conceal anything. The guards merely leered through their broken teeth and slowly rubbed their hands over her body. Zventibold shuddered with rage; William gritted his teeth in anger but they were powerless to aid her. The other guard seeme
d to prefer Scimp and Scamp and neither Zventibold nor William minded that. Scimp and Scamp howled; they were having a hard time.

  Then they were through. It seemed William's unhealthy looks and foul breath had saved them both from the amorous advances of the toothless guardsman. The sun beat down on Zventibold's head like a hammer. He looked back at the tall faceless walls of Piraktesh and the sweaty life visible through the gate.

  "I'll be back." he vowed silently to himself and then realised he had walked into some mule droppings.

  16.

  17. An Unexpected Lift

  Helena walked on in the hot sun of the early afternoon and behind her the disgruntled monkeys trudged and behind them the behaired William and Zventibold. William was greatly displeased by the monkey hair and the small hopping creatures it attracted. He found the desert unbearable and there was no toilet paper.

  All around the plains stretched away. Behind them were the Imperial Domes and walls of dreaming Piraktesh. They planned to walk in the relative cool by the banks of the Szkeria until they came to the village of Kriptash. There they would go north to the banks of the smaller river Unterlink where they would hopefully be able to get onto one of the pilgrim boats to the Shrine of Holy Hector, thus cutting their journey by many days.

  The day was very pleasant walking by the Szerkia along the old cart track to Kriptash, the day was very pleasant and Helena smiled sweetly at people who passed them in carriages and on carts. They walked for many hours and when they were hungry Helena shared bananas out between then all. Scamp and Scimp ate them hurriedly and without recourse to manners, for they were sun-crazed. After another few hours Helena turned to them and said sadly, "I fear we shall not reach Kriptash by nightfall as I had hoped. We shall be forced to make camp in the wilderness or accept a lift if a cart passes us between this time and the descent of the sun."

  Zventibold looked bewildered. "But mother, what if the driver realises that we are not monkeys but men of sorts?"

  Helena reached into her bag of cosmetic pastes and pulled out the Hairy Juice bottle. "Here," she said, "Take but one drop of this to guard against that eventuality."

  They drank it quickly and when they had picked themselves from the hot road they deemed it wise to continue on their way. They travelled about another half mile and to their surprise a cart did come that way. It was drawn by oxen. The man on it seemed friendly enough; he had a red face and was chewing an armyworm root. Its knobbly fibrous tip protruded from his mouth and he was smiling brashly. "Ar ye gisey lift?" He spoke the thick country dialect so beloved of the common folk.

  Helena did not understand his every word but his meaning was quite clear. She gestured for the monkeys to climb in the back. She got up beside the driver.

  "I be driddlin' fo market." he said.

  Helena knew from her common friends that 'driddling' was a word they often used for 'returning'. "Did you sell much?" She inquired politely.

  The farmer laughed at this. "Har, har, I be bridin fif scorey shepos."

  Helena could not quite decipher what he meant but she agreed anyway and they continued in silence for a while until the countryman spoke again. "I sarey fiffle Kriptash. Ye muchey way salo?"

  "Yes," said Helena smiling " I'm not surprised you did."

  The man laughed again and spat out the remains of his armyworm. His switch flicked lightly over the backs of the ambling oxen. Night was drawing on, the air was already cooler and the sun was only a few inches above the horizon. The man spoke again; he was really getting chatty now. "I dibble saary wi' the Autocrat. 'E killey mickley mannies. I left wife when comed mickley soldiers. Taybe was I frit! I mustey leavo when comey they. I be sorry now. But there be nothin' else fo me gagey. You bonney sowlet. But wat else gagey me?"

  "Pardon?"

  He frowned. Helena took a guess and agreed with him. He did not seem too pleased with her answer

  "What gaselt thu?"

  "Pardon ?"

  "Habley me 'what gaselt thu'?" The man had turned round and the oxen had stopped but the countryman did not seem to mind their reticence - all his attention was on Helena.

  "I see," she said. "Well I suppose you did right."

  He laughed at this, " Har har. Ye tassey wench," and he urged the oxen on once more. "Once be I in pubbey an' I 'ave mickley sider. When I keboozled, three mannies comey near me. They reggey flartig wi' me. I habled 'no' but forto habled 'We 'atey thu. We smazzley thur facey wi' bricko'. I jammed armyworm in 'im an' 'e falled. Then grablig startey and throwed me ecko pubbey. 'E be batardo. What habley thu?"

  "Pardon ?" said Helena.

  "Habley me 'what habley thu?" He stared at her intensely; he seemed about to strike her. William and Zventibold tensed in the back, ready for action.

  After a long pause Helena spoke "Erm.....it was totally right of course."

  The man exploded with rage, "Yaar!" he screamed "Ye jammey ecko my cart now!" He pushed her off the cart onto the hard dirt road. "Ye an' yur monkeys," and they too landed on the road. Then without a look back he started up the cart and went on.

  Helena looked about her, twilight was gathering. Over the edge of the next-hill she saw the lights of Kriptash, "Zventibold, " she said, "you and William go and get some firewood. It'll probably be safest for us to camp here rather than risk meeting another like him."

  Zventibold agreed and soon they were huddled around a blazing fire. It would keep the wild dogs away till morning at least.

  And then when dawn blessed them with its rosy fingers, the low hills beyond which were the banks of the river Unterlink were clearly visible.

  "That's the way we're going," said Helena and led her merry troop toward them. She skirted Kriptash. The land was barer here, often the hills were no more than wandering ridges of sand but it was not long before they saw the river Unterlink glittering like a glass serpent down below.

  "Zventibold, what are your plans after reaching the shrine? You know I will nave to return then to Piraktesh."

  "Well mother, I think that the only way for me to wreak revenge on the Autocrat and regain Melissa's love is to grow wise in sorcery. The best place for that is the glittering city of Kharkesh - home of the sorcerers - that nestles in the arms of the Mountains of Doom."

  Helena seemed worried. "But Zventi," she said, " That is far. It. is over the other side of Wamawama. You may not survive,"

  "Mother I would rather die than live without avenging Turvius and regaining Melissa's love."

  "But Zventibold. You don't know that. You've never been dead."

  Zventibold eyed his mother with scorn and they walked on in silence. Soon they had come to the pilgrim boat landing stage. There were many people milling about - all of them pilgrims. When they saw a Nun of Hector approaching they made way for her and soon Helena and the monkeys were on the boat and gliding down the river. They said nothing to each other but many people stroked Zventibold and William, muttering " Poor monkeys, Hector bless 'em."

  There were no sleeping quarters of course on the pilgrim ship and so they slept wherever they could find room. Amongst the snoring twitching pilgrims, Zventibold lay awake all night. He was a small boy again - entranced by the stars and the silence of the desert - a quiet broken only by a jackal's call and the soft rush of the boat through the water.

  When the dawn came they knew they only had a few hours before disembarking at the nearest landing point to the shrine. Zventibold shuffled uneasily, the fleas were biting him mercilessly and he was hot under his ape fur. Then the time came to get off. From the muddy river bank the statue that marked the shrine was not visible. They walked half a mile before seeing it. There in the middle of the distance was the huge statue of Hector, bald and accompanied by apes. Near it was the temple and oracle.

  When they came close Helena led the apes into the temple to pray. Inside the temple it was dim and the odour of incense was heavy on the air. The place was adorned with rich silks and likenesses of the god. An old woman sat there. In front of her was a plate of
cakes. When Helena approached she sat bolt upright. "Hello Sister," she said. "Come closer and bring those two monkeys. There is an air of destiny about those two; they are like no apes I have ever seen before."

  William and Zventibold approached the old woman with Helena.

  "Come Sister," she said. " Take of these cakes. They will show you your future."

  Helena picked one and bit into it. It tasted bitter, not what she had expected at all. Inside was a piece of paper. It had a message written on it. It said, "Do not heed news from the black land." Helena was puzzled but she withdrew to allow Zventibold to take the next cake.

  Zventibold took one too. His message said "Beware the glittering stone." Puzzled, he withdrew for William.

  William did not like the cake and spat it out but he picked up the message which said "Do not trust the man with the ginger moustache."

  Later on the river bank there was a tearful farewell. Helena of course had to return to Piraktesh while William and Zventibold were going on to Kharkesh of the Sorcerers.

  "Bye bye mummy. Till we meet again." He kissed her on the cheek and, trying to hide his tears, walked a few paces away.

  "Ar tara mis'ress," said William

  "William," she said " look after him. He's only a boy."

  "I will mis'ress," said William and Helena turned to board the boat. Zventibold and William watched it sail away. When it was out of sight Zventibold said, "Right let's go to the pub," and off they went.