Nice Try, Jane Sinner

by Lianne Oelke

  Maybe it’s time to have an adventure on my own. To be good at something on my own. To show the world I’m more than Bonnie’s shadow. It’s definitely time to move past James Fowler. I had only been at school for exactly two minutes and three seconds, and already heads were turning my way. I recognized one of the girls looking at me, walking in our direction. Jenna. I was surprised to see her there—​she graduated last year. I’ve run into her once or twice before. More like run behind her. Our jogging paths intersected every now and then, but we’ve never really talked. I couldn’t keep up.

  Jenna stopped in front of me.

  JENNA

  You’re that girl.

  She wasn’t referring to our brief jogging history. Yeah, I’m that fucking girl.

  JS

  You want my autograph or something?

  JENNA

  No.

  And then she left. Either the joke went over her head or I was devastatingly unfunny. Which doesn’t add up, because Jenna is no idiot and I am obviously hilarious. Bonnie’s laughter helped calm my heart rate, which for some reason had skyrocketed. I’m trying to build up my resistance to other people’s reactions by forcing myself to speak my mind more often. Perhaps Jenna was not the person to test this on.

  BONNIE

  It’s good that you’re sticking up for yourself now.

  Now, as in After.

  JS

  Yeah, well, what’s the worst that could happen?

  BONNIE

  That’s the spirit.

  She craned her neck to follow Jenna.

  BONNIE

  Why is she back at school?

  Bonnie never forgave Jenna for being chosen to hang her artwork in the atrium last year. Jenna’s portrait of Nietzsche won out over Bonnie’s rendering of Céline Dion. Bonnie still mutters, “She’s a motherfucking national treasure” every time a Céline song comes on.

  JS

  I think she used to play. She probably still knows half the team.

  TEGAN

  Don’t worry about her, baby.

  Tegan placed her hand on Bonnie’s knee and ran it up and down her thigh. I threw up a little in my mouth and diverted my eyes. I really didn’t want this to turn into a third-wheel situation yet again.

  JS

  She’s still staring at me.

  BONNIE

  [distracted]

  Who?

  JS

  Jenna!

  Jenna is, without a doubt, one of the prettiest girls I have ever come across. I barely know her, but she seems like the kind of girl who does everything with a certain level of intensity, confident in what she wants. I envied that Before. Maybe I still do.

  JS

  Fuck, she’s coming back.

  Jenna had a determined look, like she had made up her mind about something.

  JENNA

  [offhandedly, to Bonnie]

  I thought you weren’t interested in basketball.

  Bonnie was never one to keep her dislikes to herself. She was only at the game because Tegan wanted to go.

  BONNIE

  And I thought you graduated. What’s it to you?

  Jenna shrugged and nodded at Bonnie and Tegan’s intertwined hands.

  JENNA

  Nothing. Your girlfriend’s pretty good. I thought she’d make the team.

  I think Jenna meant it as a compliment, but I can’t blame Bonnie for getting defensive about Tegan. The number of passive-aggressive comments Bonnie’s received from the church would be enough to keep anyone on edge.

  BONNIE

  She is pretty good, actually. I don’t need you or your team to tell me that.

  JENNA

  I’m not trying to—​never mind. Jane, can I talk to you for a minute?

  Bonnie snapped her head toward me, suspicious.

  JS

  Uh. Okay?

  I had no idea what Jenna could possibly want to talk to me about. My heart rate did that skyrocketing thing again. Whatever. I wasn’t a high school student anymore. Stupid high school politics no longer applied.

  I stood up and followed Jenna to the top of the bleachers, where we grabbed a seat away from everyone else.

  JS

  What’s up?

  JENNA

  I hear you’re going on House of Orange.

  JS

  Uh, yeah. You know it?

  I really didn’t think the show would be a big deal. Especially not here.

  JENNA

  Yes. I know Alexander.

  JS

  Ah. He seems cool.

  JENNA

  He has his moments.

  Then it hit me. Jenna knew about the Event. She was a link between James Fowler and House of Orange, and I did not want any links between James Fowler and House of Orange. I wanted a clean break, a runaway lane, a tits-to-toes, all-in, no-chance-of-backing-out Jane Sinner Extreme Makeover. Starring Jane Sinner out of context. Out of years of uncomfortable context.

  JENNA

  Relax, Jane. I just want to help Alexander with the show.

  That confused me. Jenna didn’t seem like the type to care about reality TV. Or helping others.

  JS

  . . . Why?

  JENNA

  I owe him one. To be honest, I was surprised when you signed up. Didn’t think you were the type.

  JS

  What do you mean, not the type?

  JENNA

  I mean, you always seemed like . . . not a goody two-shoes, exactly. A goody one-shoe, maybe.

  I should have told her to fuck off. But I’m not Bonnie.

  JENNA

  Your parents are cool with this?

  JS

  My parents don’t know. Yet. Do you want something from me, or . . . ?

  JENNA

  Look. The show is an interesting idea. Like I said, I’m just trying to help out Alexander, and that means helping you. You seem a bit out of your league.

  She was right. I am out of my league. I hated how obvious it was.

  JS

  I’m trying to branch out. Away from James Fowler.

  JENNA

  If you want to talk about it, or you need advice with the show, let me know. If you don’t, that’s fine. Your call.

  My instincts told me to smile politely, thank her for her interest, and run away from the conversation as fast as possible. I ignored myself.

  JS

  Okay. There’s a way you can help. Two ways, actually.

  If I’m really going to do this show, I need to be able to talk to people like Jenna. I need to be bold, to borrow her confidence.

  JENNA

  I’m listening.

  JS

  The first is that you don’t mention this whole situation to Alexander. Including my age.

  I waved my arms at James Fowler in general.

  JS

  The second thing is—​wait, do you live on your own?

  JENNA

  Yeah, I have my own place. Why?

  JS

  I need a cover story. You don’t have to do anything, just let me tell my parents I’m living with you. I don’t want to tell them about House of Orange just yet. Or that I’ll be living with boys.

  JENNA

  The show hasn’t even started, and you’re already lying to everyone around you? Nice.

  JS

  It’s not like that.

  JENNA

  No judgment. And okay. I’ll help.

  Jenna stood up. I wasn’t quite convinced this conversation had actually happened. If she saw through my false confidence, she didn’t show it.

  JENNA

  See you around. Oh, and Jane? Watch out for college boys. Even the good ones can be pieces of shit sometimes.

  JS

  Well, technically they’re only community college boys. How bad can they be?

  Jenna didn’t answer.

  Some girl I didn’t know came up to me after the game.

  GIRL

  Wow, Jane, it must have taken a lot of c
ourage to come here. It must be so hard coming back.

  JS

  It would be a lot easier if you stopped telling me how hard it is.

  I hate how that place puts me on edge. Still.

  SatMar12

  Bonnie wasn’t in the mood to hang out this morning. She said she had homework, but something about her text—​“You should call your new bff Jenna so you can talk about where you’re going to hang pretentious portraits of overly mustachioed philosophers in your hypothetical dream home together”—​made me think she was a tad bitter. Or at least hungry. I suppose she resents me for consorting with her sworn enemy after said enemy insulted her in public, if only in her mind.

  Relevant text from Bonnie: Sorry for the text earlier. I’m on my period. Also I’m just a bitch sometimes.

  I came home from work to find a nice dinner in honor of my transition into college. Dad barbecued steak and Mom assembled a prepackaged salad. The steak was really all I wanted. We ate on the deck, and Carol and I lay on the spiky brown grass after. Our yard is small, and unless you are lying down, all you can see is James Fowler High School looming over the fence. I’m sick of looking at it. We lay there for a while and listened to the parents bicker.

  MOM

  We should have invited her. She’s my sister; why can’t you learn to get along?

  DAD

  Jane, be a darling and get me a Coke?

  JS

  Nah.

  DAD

  Carol?

  CAROL

  Okay.

  DAD

  This is why Carol’s my favorite.

  JS

  Ha, ha.

  MOM

  Don’t change the subject.

  DAD

  I don’t dislike Gina. We just don’t have much in common.

  MOM

  You’ve never made much of an effort to get to know her.

  DAD

  So?

  MOM

  That’s not very Christian of you.

  DAD

  I never trust a woman with more than two cats.

  SunMar13

  The family keeps acting as though going to community college is a big deal, as though I’m taking a step forward, not backward. As though this makes me an adult. If I’m an adult, what happened to my childhood? What have I accomplished with my youth? It seems like plenty of people my age have record labels, publish autobiographies, go on round-the-world sailing adventures, and win impressive scholarships. What have I done? I certainly haven’t found true love, and as far as I know, I did not come into any supernatural powers on my sixteenth birthday. I suppose this is how the “real world” operates. I’m all for hard work and perseverance, but if I have to wait until my youth fades and my energy level drops and my body turns against me before I experience some measure of success, then WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT?

  MonMar14

  Bonnie and I were supposed to go to a movie tonight, but she canceled last minute to study for a test tomorrow. I’d offer to help, but I know she’d rather study with someone who knows what they’re talking about. Like Tom. So instead I said it was fine, we’d catch up later, I have to work tonight.

  I don’t have to work tonight.

  WedMar16

  The T-shirt Mr. Dubs promised came in the mail today. It’s white and light blue and has ELBOW RIVER HASHTAGS on the front. On the back is #JANESINNER. Below that, in smaller print, is #HASHTAGS. That’s their new “mascot,” I guess. Trying to be all connected and trendy and shit. But it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen and I hate it.

  I wonder if it’s too late to apply to a different community college in a different city in a different country.

  FriMar18

  Carol barged into my room as soon as she got home from her youth group, probably because she knew it was the last time she could. She flopped onto my bed, limbs spread out as far as possible, like she was trying to anchor the bed in place. Her leggings were an assaulting mess of hot-pink kittens riding frying pans. She really needs to find someone other than Bonnie for fashion inspiration.

  CAROL

  But why do you have to move out? Why won’t you stay home and go to school?

  JS

  Don’t tell the parents, but their heavy-handed approach to religion and my inability to fit into their narrow, conservative framework is crushing my delicate and blossoming identity as an autonomous individual.

  CAROL

  Sorry, what?

  JS

  They’re killing my buzz.

  CAROL

  But they’re gonna miss you.

  JS

  They’ll get over it.

  CAROL

  But what about me?

  JS

  You’ll get over it too.

  CAROL

  You’ve changed, Janie.

  JS

  So?

  Poor, sweet Carol. She wouldn’t know an existential crisis if it punched her in the face. Carol doesn’t have any shameful secrets to hide, unless you count the collection of One Direction posters under her bed she thinks I don’t know about.

  CAROL

  You used to be nicer.

  JS

  “Nicer”?

  CAROL

  Well . . . happier. You used to be happy. Right?

  JS

  It’s a work in progress, kid.

  Carol sighed and kicked her feet against the covers. I’ll never resent her for not understanding. I just hope she never experiences firsthand what it’s like to fall apart and not have the strength or energy to put yourself back together.

  CAROL

  You promised you wouldn’t leave me again.

  JS

  No, I promised I’d be there for you. Which I am. In here.

  I gave her heart a tender pat.

  CAROL

  Jaaanie. This is serious.

  JS

  I’m serious. You’ll love me more when I’m gone. I promise.

  She didn’t look convinced.

  SatMar19

  Officially moved in.

  Didn’t take long at all, despite the storm that insisted on snowing on our parade. The parents helped load all my stuff (which didn’t seem like a lot) into my bedroom. I made sure to unload everything when Alexander said no one would be home. I spent the whole morning making up answers to a million dumb questions about Jenna and her four other “friends.” Jenna can probably look forward to a card and handmade sweater in her favorite color (which is . . . purple?) for Christmas this year. I’m looking forward to some time away from all these questions.

  I’ve been assigned a basement room. It came with a twin-sized bed, a wooden dresser, and a nightstand with one small drawer. I made sure the parents saw me place my meds inside. Discreet but accessible. I’m still not sure what to do with them, or if they really work in the first place. I have the biggest bedroom in the house, but it doesn’t have any windows and the door is a curtain. The parents weren’t too thrilled to find only a thin sheet of fabric separating my vulnerable person from whatever college-age boyz might stop by. Of course they assumed the boyz would be here for Jenna and friends, not me.