Nice Try, Jane Sinner
Page 8
TueApr12
I was late for Sociology by fifteen minutes today. I didn’t have a good reason. Poor time management I suppose. Even though it’s a big class, the prof doesn’t let tardiness slide. She makes every latecomer sing in front of the class. Not many people are late. I swear, sociology profs mess with people all the time simply because they know how to. I sang One Direction and wanted to die. Everyone in my class knows my name and face now. I kind of knew this would happen, I just didn’t know it would happen so quickly. If that wasn’t enough, the prof brought up House of Orange as I walked to my seat. AND MADE WATCHING TOMORROW’S KICKOFF EPISODE AN ASSIGNMENT FOR THE ENTIRE CLASS. Weird. I hope they don’t just think of One Direction when they watch me on the show.
No one was late for the voting ceremony. We were all sitting down, ready to go, at 7:55. It took AP and a couple HOOcaps another twenty minutes to adjust the lighting and mikes. AP was very formal about the whole thing. He asked us a couple questions about the game first.
AP
What’s the hardest part, so far?
HOLLY
Sharing a bathroom with two guys. Marc is in there all the time.
RAJ
[looking at Marc]
Sharing the TV with everyone else. I’m sick of home design shows.
AP
What’s the best part?
CHAUNT’ELLE
So many new friends!
JS
(Barf.)
AP
How are classes going?
JS
They’re not as bad as everyone said they’d be.
AP
Just wait another month. Okay, if we’re all ready, we can start the vote. Marc, you’re up first.
Each person went across the room to write down a name on a sheet of paper, Survivor-style. AP collected the papers and read them out, one by one. I’ll admit, I was nervous. I wasn’t afraid of being voted out. I knew I wouldn’t be. All I kept thinking was, My Sociology class is watching this.
Final count
Chaunt’Elle: 2
Holly: 1
Raj: 3
So Raj is going home (or somewhere else?), which is fine. I think it will feel less surreal once he moves out.
WedApr13
Shit just got real.
We have a theme song.
A theme song.
It played over an intro montage of all the contestants. AP labeled me simply as “Sinner.” Probably a good call—it’s much more interesting than “Jane.” He used the intro to make us all look good. Not attractive, necessarily, but appealing. Even Marc.
AP played up the friendship between Raj and Holly and the flirtation between Marc and Chaunt’Elle. Robbie and I look like loners. Maybe we are, I’m not sure yet. He also emphasized Chaunt’Elle’s timidity and passive-aggressive tendencies, and put in the footage of Marc jumping in the kitchen when the doorbell rang at night. He didn’t connect it to me. Not yet. I imagine it will be quite a victorious moment when he does. The whole episode looks legit, more so than I expected. People actually might enjoy watching this. They might enjoy watching me. I think I need to see it again.
It was strange watching myself. The parents were never big into video cameras. Or cameras. Or technology in general. I had to ask myself: Is this what I really look like all the time? If so, that’s not so bad. I look odd next to Chaunt’Elle. Or she looks odd next to me. It’s not that I despise makeup. I like the idea of it, actually. But I’ve never been able to figure out how to use it effectively.
I wonder what my class makes of all this.
ThuApr14
Mr. Dubs just called. I didn’t answer because I didn’t want to talk to him, so he left me a message. He needs to see me today after class.
Shit shit ugh.
MR. DUBS
Please, have a seat, Jane.
I had done an excellent job of avoiding his office before today. It’s a large, clean room with white walls and a window overlooking the courtyard. Mr. Dubs sat behind a thin glass table, his knees bent at an alarming angle on either side of a large blue exercise ball. The hem of his slacks stuck out like tents suspended in midair. I shivered at the inch of skin exposed above his socks. I tentatively sat on a green ball.
JS
What’s up?
Mr. Dubs stretched his arms out in front of him and began a series of squats on his exercise ball.
MR. DUBS
Elbow River has always been supportive of House of Orange. Mr. Park is a bright, creative young man, and his vision of bringing the community together though digital media is something I am personally quite interested in. I wholeheartedly encourage your participation in such a project, Jane. And while I hoped you would tell me about the show on your own terms, I didn’t want to pry. I would never overstep personal boundaries.
I couldn’t stop staring at his knees. Up and down.
MR. DUBS
However. After watching last night’s episode, I couldn’t help but notice some . . . discrepancies, I suppose the word is, between Jane Sinner the reality show star and Jane Sinner the student. Do you follow?
JS
Yes. I’m taking a psychology course this term. I’m hoping to focus more on that once I’ve earned my diploma.
MR. DUBS
Besides the . . . misunderstanding regarding your area of study, Jane, I believe you led Mr. Park to misunderstand your age. You are seventeen, are you not?
JS
At the moment, yes.
MR. DUBS
Every other contestant is eighteen or older. That makes you the only minor on the show.
JS
My mom always told me I was special.
MR. DUBS
I appreciate your sense of humor, Jane, really I do. But now is not the time or place.
How was I supposed to feel properly chastised when Mr. Dubs and his unnecessarily long limbs performed awkward spider aerobics mere meters from my face?
MR. DUBS
The problem is, Jane, Mr. Park unknowingly promoted footage of a minor wearing an Elbow River shirt drinking alcohol.
JS
(It was just one beer.)
Hmm. I see.
MR. DUBS
I’m sure you can appreciate the position this puts me in.
JS
I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it. I should have been more careful.
MR. DUBS
I’m asking Mr. Park to recut that episode to not show anyone drinking.
JS
Are you going to tell him why?
MR. DUBS
That’s for you to talk to him about. I can’t make your decisions for you, Jane. I can only advise you to do the right thing.
JS
I won’t drink on the show again. I mean, as a minor. I’ll be eighteen soon.
MR. DUBS
Thank you, Jane. I really do want to see the show succeed. It’s quite something, what Mr. Park is doing. It could really be good for Elbow River. I wouldn’t want to see you disqualified, or see the show suffer, because of any dishonesty on your part. You’re smarter than that, Jane.
JS
You’re right. I don’t want to mess this up.
I’m quite good at messing things up for other people. Just ask the kids at James Fowler.
MR. DUBS
And Jane?
JS
Yeah?
MR. DUBS
Good luck.
Jenna Park was here tonight. I walked into the kitchen after work, and there she was, talking with her brother over tea. She stayed in the kitchen after Alexander left. She asked me how the show was going these days. I told her AP knew what he was doing.
JENNA
I think you’re going to win.
JS
Why do you say that?
JENNA
You’re a survivor.
I’m still not sure if that was a joke.
I waited up for Marc again, but from what I heard coming from his room, he wa
s otherwise occupied. I’m trying not to judge Chaunt’elle too harshly. I just hoped they covered the cameras.
FFAFFApr15
I am running out of black gel pens, which is too bad, because pencils smudge. I prefer crossed-out lines to erasing something and pretending it never existed.
I finally used the movie tickets I won at poker to take Carol for a night out. We watched some ridiculous action movie that technically Carol was too young to see. No one called her on it, and she was excited to break the rules and get home after the parents went to bed. She won’t tell them. Even though we all know I am no longer a stable influence.
SatApr16
I ran for an extra half hour this morning because I woke up feeling lazy. Hurrah! Way to go, Jane! You can do it! Yeah yeah! Keep up the enthusiasm!
Robbie and I went to Denny’s when I got back because we were hungry and I was still too lazy to cook. Breakfast tastes exponentially better the later it gets. After a shallow, sad attempt at discussing the benefits of multiculturalism to modern Canadian society, in order to prepare for a quiz, Robbie asked me why I wanted to do the show.
JS
To win the car, obviously.
Robbie didn’t say anything for a while. I assume he was looking for subtext that did not exist.
ROBBIE
Do you need a car?
JS
Not really. But winning one would be exciting.
ROBBIE
I suppose.
I couldn’t very well tell him I was using the show to reinvent myself, because then he’d ask why. I’m not quite ready to tell him about the Event. I almost trust him, but late breakfast at Denny’s wasn’t the right time or place.
JS
How about you?
ROBBIE
You already know.
JS
You want to be able to cope with messiness/eat at a diner without sanitizing the table and utensils first?
ROBBIE
Something like that. Yeah.
I stacked a pyramid of creamers on top of my overturned mug.
JS
What about privacy? Do you ever miss it?
ROBBIE
Yeah. All the time. It’s nice to be talking to you without cameras around.
He laughed. I balanced a saucer on top of the creamers.
ROBBIE
We should do this more often.
I might have missed out on some subtext there. I’m pretty sure my mind was on food. I hope it was.
Likes: introverts.
The problem with introverts: no one initiates.
SunApr17
A question from my Bio assignment:
Imagine what would happen if you remained a single-celled organism throughout your life. How would your life differ from that of a multicelled organism?
I’m trying to have a positive attitude toward science, but it’s hard. I’m not willing to suspend my disbelief. Not for this.
Marc has only shown up at midnight twice in the past two weeks, partly because I haven’t bought many groceries lately. One night I waited outside with my laptop after coming home from work and slammed the front door shut when he opened the fridge. The other night I missed out because I was sleeping.
MonApr18
“The plot thickens.”
Sometimes things look promising but something small is said that could mean nothing or something bad. I know that’s being vague, but so it is.
TueApr19
A note from Sociology that warmed my insides:
JS: What do you think of this class?
ROBBIE: John Rawls is an interesting philosopher.
JS: I guess. But I’m failing to see the practical implications of this information.
ROBBIE: The veil of ignorance could be applied to House of Orange.
JS: How so?
ROBBIE: Imagine you could design the challenges you’d be competing in, but you didn’t know what competitor you’d be.
JS: You mean I wouldn’t know if I’d be competing as myself, or you, or Holly . . .
ROBBIE: Yes. How would you design the challenges so that no matter who you were competing as, you wouldn’t have a disadvantage?
JS: I would design all the challenges to involve swimming.
ROBBIE: But Marc can’t swim. What if you ended up competing as Marc?
JS: I would deserve to lose.
ROBBIE: What if Marc wasn’t competing?
JS: Um. I would leave everything to luck, I suppose. But luck is no fun.
ROBBIE: More fun than this class?
JS: Anything would be more fun than this class.
That wasn’t exactly true. R has a way of making things interesting.
WedApr20
Sometimes, when school drags on, all I want to do is go home and journal about how sometimes, school drags on.
Favorite word to use in an essay: significant.
Nothing in the fridge is significant today.
A HOOcap just told me to wipe the Oreo crumbs off my boobs and answer the door. It was Mr. Dubs.
JS
Oh. Hey, there . . .
MR. DUBS
I was just on my way home from the school. Your McNugz Club hat arrived today. Thought I’d drop by to give it to you.
He held it out. It was yellow and red, with lumpy nugget-looking blobs and the words MCNUGZ CLUB on the front. Just as I feared, #JANESINNER was stitched on the back.
MR. DUBS
I guess you didn’t get my Facebook message to pick it up from my office.
JS
Uh, no. Thanks.
He didn’t look like he was planning on leaving anytime soon.
JS
Well, I don’t want to keep you any longer. You must have somewhere to be.
MR. DUBS
Ah, well. What’s the point of rushing?
He was waiting for me to invite him inside.
JS
I’d invite you inside, but you’d have to sign a release form . . . it’s kind of a hassle.
MR. DUBS
I’m not in a hurry.
He’s too tall to need to crane his neck to see past me, but he craned anyway.
JS
Great seeing you! Thanks for stopping by.
I took the hat and stepped back.
MR. DUBS
Well, yes, you—