by Lianne Oelke
MR. DUBS
And what about yourself, Jane? What happens if you’re expelled?
JS
That would really not be a good thing for me.
MR. DUBS
Maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to casually lie about your age.
This guy must have kids.
MR. DUBS
Jane, I really don’t want to see you go. But maybe Elbow River is not the healthiest community for you right now.
I couldn’t let this happen. As much as I found it revolting, I had to open up to Mr. Dubs. Maybe I could pretend this was like The Bachelor. If I didn’t open up when I had the chance, I wouldn’t get a rose. But that would make Mr. Dubs the bachelor, and the thought almost made me choke on a laugh. Pull yourself together, Jane.
JS
Mr. Dubs, can I tell you something? Something I haven’t told many people here?
MR. DUBS
Of course, Jane. You can tell me anything.
JS
The reason I’m here—the reason I was kicked out of high school—I was going through kind of a rough period. The doctors called it clinical depression.
MR. DUBS
I’m sorry to hear that, Jane.
JS
I tried to kill myself on New Year’s Eve. It was a dumb thing to do. But it kind of messed things up for me. And if I can’t finish my high school diploma—if I can’t even handle community college—then I don’t know what I’ll do.
I couldn’t read his face. But he was no longer bouncing up and down on that stupid ball.
JS
I’m asking for another chance.
MR. DUBS
Thank you for telling me this, Jane. I know it wasn’t easy for you.
JS
So . . . can I stay?
MR. DUBS
I hope so, Jane. But it’s not up to me. Tell you what: I’ll talk to the dean and see what he says.
I had to readjust my legs to keep them from shaking.
JS
Thank you.
MR. DUBS
Or you know what? I could talk with both Mr. Park and yourself. If the show does in fact go on, maybe he could use the conversation on the next episode. You know, part of the drama.
JS
I don’t think that’s necessary.
MR. DUBS
I wouldn’t mind if he filmed it. If it would help the show.
JS
(No way in hell.)
Right. Good talk.
FriJun24
Thank God for Jenna. Without her I’d have nothing to do but sit on my ass, waiting for the phone call to find out if I’m going back to school on Monday. I didn’t realize she had such a big following over social media, but she’s using it to promote the show. She’s reblogging GIFs, commenting on the HOO Facebook page, tweeting #SaveHouseof-Orange.
I’ve been answering some fan questions on the HOO website (which AP has been asking me to do for weeks, but I hadn’t gotten around to it before now). I’m very cautious and repentant in my answers: “I’ve made some bad decisions; I regret if my actions negatively impacted the show; Robbie is an asshat, and if I never see him again it will be too soon,” etc. I told Aunt Gina I’d steal her the hat from AP’s head if she talked up the show in her office. I even called the newspaper and gave the journalist who threw out my bag of puke a ten-minute interview over the phone. So it’s not like I’m not trying.
No phone call. I’m not in the mood to party tonight. I told Bonnie I had a hot date with Netflix, so she’ll have to celebrate the end of her exams without me. She assumes I want to hang out with Jenna instead, but I think Jenna’s the one with a date tonight.
No phone call.
It’s 1 a.m. on a Friday night and I’m on Facebook, accepting friend requests from people who gladly watched me suffer through a term of humiliation so they can continue to watch the humiliation of other contestants, all the while checking my phone, because even though it’s late, the dean might call, and who knew I’d end up so desperate to attend community college? This is probably not what my therapist meant when she said, “Half a year from now, Jane, you could be doing things you never dreamed of.”
When my phone did ring, my stomach did a backflip.
It was Carol.
JS
Isn’t it past your bedtime?
CAROL
I’m not a kid anymore, Janie.
JS
So what are you doing up? Drinking alcohol and flirting with boys?
Carol sighed dramatically.
CAROL
Don’t be so immature, Jane. I was reading.
JS
Mm-hmm.
CAROL
Why are you up? And posting so much stuff on Facebook? I thought you weren’t on the reality show anymore.
JS
And I thought you were reading.
CAROL
I can take breaks, you know!
JS
Mm-hmm. I’m trying to help out the show. I don’t want it to get canceled.
CAROL
Why would they cancel it?
JS
Because I did something bad.
CAROL
What did you do?!
JS
I skipped science class and smoked a cigarette.
CAROL
That’s not funny!!!
JS
Then why am I laughing?
CAROL
But what did you do? Really?
JS
It’s a long story. But I lied about my age to get on the show. Now other people are in trouble because of it.
CAROL
You shouldn’t lie.
JS
Thanks for the advice, Tips McGee. Do me a favor and don’t tell the parents?
CAROL
You want me to lie for you?!
JS
Not lie. Just don’t tell them before I do.
CAROL
Fine. Well, you should go to bed. You need to get some rest.
JS
Thanks, Mom.
CAROL
I’m serious, Janie.
JS
I’m serious, Janie.
CAROL
Stop that!
JS
Stop that!
CAROL
GOOD NIGHT, JANIE.
JS
GOOD NIGHT, JANIE.
She makes it too easy.
SatJun25
Bonnie and I were stuffing our faces with poutine from a food truck near her house when the dean finally called.
BONNIE
Answer it!
I pointed to my face, my cheeks full.
BONNIE
Want me to get it for you?
JS
MMMph.
I forced myself to swallow the half-chewed fries, coughing as the lump made its way down my throat. I answered the call just in time.
JS
Hello?
THE DEAN
Is this Ms. Sinner?
JS
Yes, it is.
I burped softly into my sleeve.
THE DEAN
This is Horace Bates, the dean at Elbow River. How are you?
JS
(A mess of nerves and gas.)
Fine, thanks. Yourself?
THE DEAN
I’m well, thank you. Ms. Sinner, I’ve thought long and hard about your future at Elbow River. And I’ve decided that we’d like to have you back for another term.
JS
(Thank you, Jesus.)
That’s great.
THE DEAN
However. You’ll be on academic probation. And I hope you won’t give me reason to reconsider—you’re an ambassador of Elbow River, Ms. Sinner, and I hope you’ll act accordingly.
JS
Yes, of course. Thank you. And if I might ask: What will happen to House of Orange?
THE DEAN
That remains to be seen. It keeps getting more and more attention—my
daughter loves it. But Mr. Park and I still have a few things to discuss.
JS
I understand.
I hung up, put on my best nonchalant face, and told myself I wouldn’t spend my last weekend with Bonnie talking about myself. Besides, it’s not so much a victory as it is a lack of failure, but I’ll take it. I took the rest of Bonnie’s poutine, too. For once I was hungrier than she was.
DFS
So. Academic probation?
JS
Yes. Kind of sad that I nearly got kicked out of school twice. Who knew getting a high school diploma would be so hard?
DFS
It is sad, isn’t it?
JS
Woe is me.
MonJun27
First day back at school. It’s almost like I never left. Random people said hi and wanted to talk about the show. For the most part I answered their questions, even though I’m no longer contractually obligated to do anything.
The guy who punched R in the face last term now sits behind me in three classes. He tried to corner me after our first class wearing an oversize U of C hoodie, sweatpants, and too much facial hair, but I just happened to be walking too fast for him to catch me.
This term I have English, the second halves of Intro Psych and Sociology, as well as Creative Writing (ha!) and Intro Philosophy—with the original Hinkfuss (and Marc)! I wanted to take Vintage Gunsmithing and The Carbon Footstep of Twitter, but my program has its limits.
TueJun28
A text to Carol: Hey you is my jacket at the parents house?
CAROL: I don’t know, is it?
JS: Just tell me if it’s there
CAROL: I don’t know if I feel like it.
JS: Do it or I’ll rip the heads off all your dolls
CAROL: Is that you trying to be funny?
JS: Kids grow up so quickly these days.
CAROL: I’m not a kid.
JS: Is my jacket there, kid?
CAROL: Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t!
JS: Don’t make me come over there and sit on you
CAROL: ACCEPT THE MYSTERY!
The internet just destroyed my life. I’m sure the internet destroys lives all the time, but it’s so much easier to not care when it’s someone else’s. No no no: Robbie destroyed my life. The internet isn’t capable of responsibility. R was the one who leaked a copy of my journal online. Not all of it, or any mention of my suicide attempt, thankfully, but enough. Most of it HOO related. And all the shitty parts where I come close to acknowledging warm and fuzzy feelings for a certain asshat. It had to have been him. This is worse than being naked in front of a crowd. Much worse. Good thing I’m so witty, and so far a quarter of the comments on the internet are distracted by this, but I want to jump into a proverbial pair of sweatpants and run the hell out of town. I feel worse than naked writing this now. Shit shit shit. It may be a silly journal full of silly thoughts, but they are my thoughts nonetheless.
Dear Robbie:
FUCK YOU.
Sincerely,
Sinner
WedJun29
I wanted to face the shit storm like a boss. I wanted to stare down the school and start a fistfight with anyone who suggested I was capable of sentimentality, or with anyone who suggested I wasn’t capable of feeling emotion at all. I didn’t get the chance because I woke up with pinkeye. Days like this I wish I believed in God so I’d have someone other than myself to blame for my life. It’s hard to say what’s more revolting—looking like a coward or looking like someone with an infectious face disease. I hid at Denny’s the entire morning, eating waffles with sunglasses on, doing my best to redirect the energy I was wasting feeling sorry for myself into some more productive outlet. I didn’t come up with any brilliant revenge plots, but I did end up feeling less pitiful. So that’s something.
I practiced my nonchalance on Jenna when I got home from the doctor today.
JENNA
So it’s not getting to you at all, then? You don’t care that the boy you liked screwed you over completely?
JS
No. It’s easy not to care when you don’t have a heart.
JENNA
Oh, so that’s it.
JS
Yes.
JENNA
What happened to it?
JS
When I was eight I was in a car accident. The doctors were going to perform a heart transplant, but when they took out my heart, they discovered I functioned just as well without it. Didn’t bother to put a new one back in.
JENNA
Hm. I’m not convinced, but it’s a start.
JS
All right then.
Possible revenge plot: rubbing my face on R’s pillow.
Relevant text from Bonnie: Ever have one of those days when all the shortcomings of your life come together to form one massive hole?
ThuJun30
Woke up with my eyes glued shut with disease. Couldn’t look at light for hours. Jenna is staying with a friend all weekend. I’m lonely but can’t blame Jenna for her instinct to protect herself.
“Nobody can tell what I suffer!—But it is always so. Those who do not complain are never pitied.”
—Mrs. Bennet (Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice)
CAROL
[over the phone]
I hear you’re not feeling so hot, Janie. I hear your face is riddled with disease.
JS
You shouldn’t believe everything you hear.
CAROL
So how are you doing? With the new term and, you know . . .
JS
My public humiliation?
CAROL
Yeah. That.
JS
Splendid. Just splendid.
CAROL
You don’t have to be all sassy with me. I genuinely want to know how you’re doing.
Yeah, I believed that. She’s always loved me more than I deserved. Maybe her love wouldn’t be so unconditional if she knew half the things that went on inside my head.
JS
All right. You really want to know?
CAROL
Yeeeeeees.
JS
Well, as soon as I thought I was starting to get the hang of everything, of Elbow River and House of Orange, I was voted out of the house. I barely know anyone outside the show. The one friend I thought I had turned out to be a complete dickwad who was using me the whole time. It’s not enough that he voted me out—he had to go and post my journal online, just to twist the knife. It doesn’t even matter what I wrote. Those words were mine, and he stole them and gave them away and I hate him for it. People don’t look at me the same. I’m used to stares by now, but if I’m going to be stared at, I just want to be in control of the reason why. Is that really too much to ask?
Fuck, my throat is probably going to be sore tomorrow from talking so much.
CAROL