Into Thin Air

by Beck, Kristina

  “Well, it’s working. She isn’t going after you. She’s going after me.”

  “Like I said, call Cass. She heard everything.”

  “The funny thing is, I do believe you. I’m just so furious that you didn’t tell me. We’re supposed to be honest with each other. It would’ve been nice to know this already when she called.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It was only to protect you.”

  “Exactly what are you protecting me from? She’s already plastered my name all over every magazine and newspaper in the country, making me sound like complete trash. Now she’s going after my job.”

  He freezes. “What do you mean, your job?”

  “I was put on leave today because of her. She and Stephanie are accusing me of something I didn’t do. They’re blaming our relationship for the problems. I am just so sick of the catty bullshit.”

  I walk to the window. I can’t believe I’m going to do this, but it’s the only solution I can think of. I turn around. “I can’t live like this anymore, Sam.”

  “What? What are you saying?” He comes closer to me. There’s panic in his eyes.

  “I’m done with this, with us. I thought I could live with your past. But your past keeps biting me in the ass.” I point at him. “It’s not bothering you. Just me. And just when I thought we could live happily ever after, Jenny shows up again with another ridiculous accusation.”

  “What happened?”

  “Stephanie lost Jenny’s modeling portfolio, and she’s blaming it on me.” I give him the short version of the story. “It’s so fucking idiotic.” I close my eyes for a moment to gather some inner strength.

  “I’m washing my hands clean of this. I can’t function like this anymore.” I squeeze his arms hard. “I just want to love you. That’s all. Is it wrong of me to want something that should be so fucking simple?” I cry.

  He embraces me and I let him, because I know it’ll be the last time.

  “No. That’s all I want too, Ellie.”

  I tear myself out of his arms. “Well, your baggage is too heavy for me to carry. Maybe you can deal with this hell, but it’s not for me. I lived a quiet life on my own with my little family and a couple of friends. I was content with that before I met you. Then we had our dream. Life was perfect.”

  “It was. It will be. Let this blow over, and we’ll have that. I promise.”

  “That’s all I ever hear from you and your people! I’m so sick of it. At this point, our dream was a fucking fantasy. Not real life. I fell head over heels for you, and I never thought it would change. It still hasn’t, but I have to walk away with my sanity and pride intact. This is all… it’s too much for me.”

  He grabs my arms. His face turns a deep shade of red. “I love you, Ellie. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Please don’t do this. If you do, then Jenny wins. Don’t let her or anybody else ruin what we have. No one has a connection like we do. Don’t you want to fight for us?”

  I push him away. “I have been! Don’t you see—I’m the only one doing the fighting.” His face drops. “Love shouldn’t be this damn hard. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I’m close to losing my job. The last few months have been wonderful… but they’ve also been horrible. You have your new job to focus on, and you aren’t getting calls from my psycho ex-boyfriends. I’m always the one in a battle. I feel like I’m drowning. Leaving you will shatter my heart, but I’ll just have to find a way to put myself back together without you. I need peace.”

  “And what about me?” His eyes glisten with tears. “You think leaving me won’t break me? Don’t my feelings have any say in this? I can’t bear a day without you. You’re the only one for me. I’m so sorry about everything. What can I do to make this better? Tell me. Please, tell me.” A tear wins its fight, and he wipes it off his cheek.

  I cross my arms. “Can you change your past? That’s about the only thing that could save us, and we both know that’s impossible.”

  “Wow.” He steps away from me, shock and disappointment mixing with the tears on his face. “I can’t believe you said that, that you’d throw my past in my face. Whatever happened to always look forward, never back, Ellie? You’re such a hypocrite,” he snaps.

  “I guess I am.” I remove his apartment key from my key ring and place it on the table. “Throw my key out. I don’t need it anymore.”

  I walk toward the door, but he steps in front of me. He cups my face gently and kisses me like it’s our first time again. His love transfuses through my veins and gathers in my heart where it’ll always stay. The taste of our tears mix with the fear of letting go.

  He leans his forehead against mine. “You’re my first and my last love, Ellie. Our love is infinite. We’ll find our way back to each other. We’ve done the impossible before; we can do it again. Go find your peace. I hope it leads you back to me.”

  He lets go of me and opens the door. I walk through it and don’t look back. This is what I need to do.

  ∞

  “Ellie, sweetie, I hate this,” Mom says as she cradles me. “You love him. I understand why you did it, but look at you—you’re worse than before you left him. You keep saying you couldn’t deal with the stress of his ex and that you needed peace. But how will this bring you peace? Your heart was at peace when you were with Sam.”

  I sit up and wipe my eyes. Her shirt is soaked with my tears. “I don’t know what to think, Mom. It’s just all too much in so little time,” I lament.

  She searches for my hand. “I know I can’t see, but I could hear the love and happiness in both of your voices when you were with me. He’s a good man with a big heart. Yes, he has a past, but sweetie, we all do. No one is perfect. You can’t compare your real life with him to the euphoria of your dream. It’s unrealistic.”

  “I just need to take a step back and breathe. So much has happened in the last few months. My brain can’t take anymore.”

  “Taking a step back is far different than walking away. Love isn’t cut and dried. There’ll always be ups and downs. Do you think my marriage to your dad was a bunch of roses all the time? No way, but I loved him more than anything, and we worked through it. Every relationship is work, no matter how much you love each other. But it’s so worth it. I promise you.”

  I sob into my hands. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

  When Sam met Mom for the first time, they connected deeply right away. He understood why I spoke so highly of her. She can’t even see him, but I think she has a crush on him too. And that’s not helpful right now.

  “Sweetie, I’m on both your sides. You’ve never been someone to give up a fight. You and Sam are the real thing. But here you are, a fighter, and you’re throwing in the towel on the best thing you’ve ever had. Don’t let those witches win.”

  Why does she have to be so smart and neutral? It’s true, I never back down. So why am I doing it now? Okay, I need a distraction.

  Knock. Knock. Tap. Tap.

  And there it is! Whew.

  “Gale,” Mom and I say in unison.

  I dry my face with my sleeve and put my smudged glasses on. Gale taps again. “Impatient much?” I mumble.

  I open the door. “Hey, big guy. Come on in.” His face is full of concern when he walks through the door. He places a paper bag on the kitchen table.

  “I had a feeling you’d be here so I had to come and check on you. Christy wanted to come too, but she told me she’s not supposed to interact with you. She doesn’t want to make things worse. She’s so sorry about work… and Sam…”

  I shrug. “Yeah, it sucks to be me right now.” I straighten my shirt and press my hair behind my ears.

  He opens the bag and pulls out some white chocolate and a bottle of my favorite white wine. “The wine is cold.”

  “Did I ever tell you, you’re the best cousin?” I give him a big hug. “Thank you.”

  “Sam called me.”

  I stiffen and pull away. “Don’t say another word. I can’t talk
about him right now. I don’t have any tears or energy left.”

  “Gale and Ellie, stop babbling over there. I can hardly hear you. Gale, come and give your aunt a hug. Is sweet Christy here too?”

  He gives Mom a hug and kiss. “Christy couldn’t come today. I’ll bring her by soon. She told me to say hi to you.”

  I grab three wine glasses from the cabinet and put them on the living room table along with the wine.

  “That’s a pity. I love it when you all visit together. Ellie needs a good distraction.”

  “Gale brought me my favorite wine. I’m happy with that distraction.” I plop onto the couch.

  “Well, let’s order some of your favorite pizza to go along with the wine. Maybe they can deliver some tissues too.” Mom grins facetiously.

  I laugh along with them, but all I want to do is cry. I feel completely empty, more so than when I first woke up from my dream.

  But I did the right thing. I know I did.

  Chapter 42

  Sam

  “Wow, you look like shit,” Cass jabs when I open my front door. She hands me a six-pack. “When’s the last time you shaved?”

  I scratch my hairy jaw. “Who cares?” She walks around me. “I can’t believe you flew up here for the weekend again.”

  “When I saw the condition you were in the other night when we Skyped, I had to.” She looks around the kitchen. “You’re a mess. This is a brand-new apartment. Keep it clean. Your sink is full of dirty dishes.”

  “Whatever. I don’t care.”

  I open a bottle of beer, then offer one to Cass. She nods.

  “I guess you haven’t spoken to her.”

  “Nope.” Emphasizing the p. “I’ve only spoken to Gale when we run into each other at SU. I’m surprised; he’s concerned about me too. I thought he’d hate me because of what Jenny’s putting Ellie through.”

  “What did he say? Is Ellie okay?”

  “She’s a mess like me, but she’s focusing on her job situation.”

  “I’d probably do the same. Her life has been completely turned upside down since the explosion.”

  “And what, mine hasn’t? My life changed the minute I saw Ellie at the airport. Everything is different. You don’t think I’ve had to struggle with it? Yes, I have Ellie here, and that’s what helped me. But now she’s gone, and I’m here alone doing a job that I feel clueless about. I should’ve done more to protect Ellie. Maybe I should’ve walked away and never contacted her.”

  “And you would’ve been miserable that way too. You can’t change the past, so stop dwelling on it.”

  Look forward, never back.

  “It was hard to admit to myself, but in some ways, I don’t blame Ellie for leaving me. I’ve caused her nothing but stress, but I never really understood how much. She was right when she said she’s been doing all the fighting. I sat back and waited for it to blow over.”

  “But that’s what you had to do. If you’d have threatened or confronted Jenny, she would’ve used it against you. She’d have had you thrown in jail.”

  “I want Ellie back, Cass. How do I do that without killing Jenny?”

  “Give Ellie time. That’s what she needs. Let her deal with her job, and hopefully, she’ll win. I can’t imagine that Jenny is smart enough to get away with this.” She pulls out a chair from the kitchen table and sits down.

  “And you… you need to focus on you,” she continues. “You’re a new coach. Go kick some ass. Your team is relying on you. Put all your pent-up energy and passion into your job. In some ways, I think this is what you needed too. You haven’t had the chance to breathe and really accept the changes in your life.

  “The explosion threw you both into a whole new world. You’ve had no time to relax and just be together. Outside influences have kept you from taking it slow and easing into your relationship. Believe me, I understand. But I think you’re feeling the repercussions of going too fast.

  “If your love for Ellie is as infinite as you say it is, then you haven’t lost her. You’re still bound together; you’ve just gotten a little lost. Give it time.”

  “Why do you have to know everything all the time? It’s annoying.”

  “That’s what sisters are for. We surely don’t have parents to do it. Come on, brother. Let’s go out and get drunk.”

  “Let’s stay in. I don’t feel like going out in public tonight. My couch is very comfortable to get drunk on.”

  Chapter 43

  Ellie

  Where are my keys? I’ve looked everywhere and nothing. This will be my first venture out for days, other than the liquor store down the street. Gale has been bringing what I need. He even brought Mom here for a visit. But now, the refrigerator is empty, and there’s only one bottle of wine left. I’ve run out of tissues and moved onto toilet paper. And I’m down to one roll.

  I grab the baseball cap off the hall table, and my keys drop to the floor. There they are. I pick them up, stuff the cap on my head, and open the door.

  I freeze and my handbag slips off my shoulder. “Cass? What are you doing here?” I jump on her and hug her tight, ready to cry just from seeing her face. You’d think I’ve known her for years.

  “I flew in this weekend to help Sam. From the looks of you, you need some help too.”

  I bob my head. “I do,” squeaks out of me.

  “Can I come in? I don’t have much time because I need to get to the airport. I told Sam my flight was earlier. A little white lie. I have something for you.”

  “Then come in and make yourself comfortable. You have me curious.”

  Oh, man. The apartment is a total mess. But why try to hide my misery?

  She snoops around and peeks her head into the kitchen and then the hallway leading to my bedroom. “I didn’t pay attention to your apartment when I met you the first time. It’s a nice place.”

  “Thanks.”

  The sofa squeaks when she sinks into it. “I know what happened with your job, and I know you’re doing everything you can to prove your innocence.” She pulls out her phone, fiddles with it for a couple of seconds and then hands it to me. “Press play and listen to the entire thing. I have it on the loudest setting.”

  “Okay.” I press the button with shaky hands. What could this possibly be? A message from Sam?

  It’s a bit muffled at first, but I finally pick up whose voice I hear. Jenny. I despise her and her irritating voice, but I think everyone knows that by now—even the cashier guy at the liquor store.

  I lean closer and brace myself on the coffee table with one hand. “No way.”

  She waves her hand. “Shh.”

  I cover my mouth as I listen to Jenny proposition Sam. Not that I thought he was lying, but listening to him defend me is heart melting, not to mention how awesome this recording will be for my fight.

  The recording stops. “I can’t believe you’ve got this. Does Sam know?”

  “No. I had a feeling it’d come in handy one day. As soon as I heard her voice stream through the house, I knew trouble was brewing. JT was with me and urged me to hit record. If nothing else works, this should get her to back off.” She plays with her phone for a few seconds. “There. I sent it to your phone. I won’t delete it off mine for safety purposes.”

  “Thank you so much.” I squeeze her until she almost pops. “You have no idea how much this means, and how it will help me.”

  She laughs. “Remember who you’re talking to and the stories I’ve told you. Okay, I need to go. It would’ve been nice to chat a bit more.” She stuffs her phone in her bag.

  “Don’t hate me, Cass. I love Sam more than anything, but I had to do it.”

  “I know. I’m sad for both of you. That’s all I’m going to say.”

  “I need to go to the store, so I’ll walk out with you.”

  Once we get outside, we hug and say goodbye. Before she turns away, she reaches into her pocket. Then she takes my hand and puts something in it. “Don’t be a stranger.”

  Wh
en she’s out of sight, I open my hand. I flip over the little piece of paper and my lips start to quiver. It’s a rub-on tattoo of an infinity symbol. So simple yet so powerful.

  ∞

  My doorbell rings. I save the almost-finished manuscript file on my laptop, then close it. The doorbell rings again. I speak into the intercom. “Who is it?”

  “It’s Christy and Dora. Can we come up?”

  I hesitate. I haven’t seen or spoken to them since the day I left the office. It’s been so difficult because of Christy’s relationship with Gale. I’ve missed her so much. “You guys know I’m not supposed to talk to anyone from the office. It could jeopardize your jobs.”

  “Please. Just this once. It’ll be worth your while,” pleads Christy.

  “And ours,” adds Dora.

  I hope I don’t regret this. “Okay. Come on up.” I buzz them in.

  Why do people come unannounced when my apartment still looks like a crap hole? It probably smells too. I speed through like the Road Runner, cleaning up dirty dishes and throwing away crumpled tissues and empty bags of chips. I’m wearing my pajamas, and it’s 5:00 p.m. Oh well.

  Their footsteps near the door. I open it with a big, fake smile, and Christy wraps her arms around me. “I’ve missed you so much,” she says. Then Dora joins in on the hug.

  We pull away and I usher them in. “I was going to warn you that I might smell but I guess that’s irrelevant now.” I chuckle. “Let’s sit down.”

  Once we get comfy in the living room, I say, “So what’s going on that you took the risk to come here?”

  Dora leans forward. “Ever since you left, Stephanie has been a total nightmare. It’s as if you were the manager, keeping everything together.”

  “It felt like that working for her.”

  “I know we aren’t supposed to be here,” Christy says, “but we have some information for you that will help you with your case. We can’t stand by and watch you be the victim of this entire situation, even with the risk of us losing our jobs.”

  Dora hands me a bag.

  “What’s this?”

  “Just open it!” Dora says excitedly.