Because of Him_The Forgiveness Duo

by Ava Danielle

  “Where should I start?” his arrogant tone already infuriates me.

  “Maybe at the beginning? You know, like the day you “died”?” I roll my eyes.

  With Bennett’s hand placed on my thigh to reassure me he’s here, I listen to every word Noah utters.

  “I was working with undercover cops to bust drug dealers.” I already didn’t let him finish.

  “You’re not an undercover cop, Noah. What the fuck?”

  “I’m not. But I was working with them. I got into some trouble, I took pills I shouldn’t have taken, I got busted and I promised to work with them to find all the dealers since I knew all their names.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh, “This is a joke. All that pretend dying over drugs. That’s fucking hilarious.”

  “It sounds stupid, I know, but these were some serious criminals. I had to “die” as you like to say to help them with their investigation. I had to make it look like it was realistic.”

  “Oh, so you couldn’t let me in on it. It had to look like I was really crying over my dead boyfriend. The feelings had to be raw, am I right?” I wriggle in the chair.

  “Shhh,” Bennett’s soothing voice calms me down a bit.

  “I couldn’t tell you, if you had known, it would’ve all backfired.”

  “So, in exchange you gave up what we had for drugs, smooth.”

  “You think I did that lightly? You don’t think it was hard for me to watch from afar, see how you’re struggling, how much pain you feel, but you obviously don’t anymore,” he throws a look towards Bennett.

  “Don’t you fucking dare make it out to look like he is the bad guy here, he was there at my lowest point, he picked me up.”

  “I wanted to,” he argues.

  “Oh sure, let me guess, you were the guy in the hoodie watching over me?” Anger fills me and he says nothing. “That figures.”

  “I didn’t do any of this to hurt you,” he seems concerned. “Can we maybe get a minute?” he pleads with Bennett.

  “Hell to the fuck to the no,” I shout, “Bennett isn’t going anywhere. This has to do with much more than your drug problem. All that pain could’ve been prevented. You know how? If your arrogant ass didn’t think you had control over me even back in high school. Maybe Bennett and I were meant to be together back then but you kept that from happening. You prevented it. Maybe Bennett was mine all along,” I throw all my feelings in his face.

  I know accusing him of things right now without giving him the benefit of the doubt isn’t fair, but none of this has been fair to either of us.

  “I don’t know where we could go from here,” he sighs.

  “Nowhere, you’re right Noah. You can go on and live your life. I’ll live mine. We’re done.”

  “What if I don’t give up on you? What if I fight for you?” his words stun me.

  “Did you really think I would fall into your arms?”

  “I wasn’t supposed to come back yet. I wasn’t supposed to tell you the truth yet, it’s messing with the investigation. But I saw you moving on,” I interrupt him.

  “And you couldn’t have that because you’re in control.”

  “It’s not that I’m in control, it’s that I love you, Jenna. I’ve always loved you. I will always love you.”

  “That’s nice,” I roll my eyes.

  “You have to believe me.”

  “I don’t.”

  “I think it’s best if we stop for a while,” Bennett interrupts our arguing.

  “Those guys that broke into my apartment. The reason I live here now, did they have anything to do with you?”

  “They were looking for the drugs,” he’s ashamed.

  “You had drugs hidden in my apartment?” I’m shocked.

  “I couldn’t leave them in my house,” and I break out in laughter.

  “That’s right. You’d risk your girlfriend’s life.”

  “I think you really should go,” Bennett asks Noah to leave as he sees the hysteria brewing inside of me.

  “I’m not giving up, Jenna,” his last words before leaving.

  To say I’m heartbroken, torn into a million pieces filled with anger is an understatement. Mixed emotions rush through me, but one thing is clear. The Noah and Jenna Love story has officially ended. There’s no coming back from that. Who in their right mind would ever return to someone that had left them so broken and torn over a lie? If he was serious with me and felt he could tell me anything, to confide in me as in any relationship, he would’ve involved me, he would’ve made me go along with something so crazy. I was madly in love with him, I would’ve done anything for him. I was blind.

  Leaning into Bennett to show how thankful I am he’s in my life and by my side, I want him to be sure that I don’t take what we have for granted. Not for a second would I ever doubt our relationship. Maybe I’m naïve. Maybe I’m vain. But he’s been my rock when I’ve been at the lowest point in my life.

  “Bennett, I need you to know something,” I look up at him and feel his beard tickle the tip of my nose.

  “I already know,” it seems he can read my mind.

  “I love you wholeheartedly and can’t thank you enough for being by my side.”

  “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, you know that.”

  “I do. However, you didn’t ask for this. You didn’t ask for all this drama in your life, yet here it is,” I sigh.

  “Like you wanted this drama, come here,” he holds me extremely tight to show his love. Within seconds I want more. I need his touch. I need his love. I need his body connecting with mine. I need him.

  I thought I was the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

  I thought you loved me the most.

  I don’t know why I cry, but I think it’s ‘cause I remember for the first time, since I hated you, that I used to love you.

  - Gwen Stefani

  You can’t still love someone that deceived you. You can’t still love someone that has hurt you in the most vulnerable way. He played with my emotions. He made me believe I had to learn to go on in life without him. I do have to thank him though. Without his death I would’ve never built the magazine. I wouldn’t pursue my dreams. I wouldn’t have reconnected with an old friend and found hidden feelings. Without his fake death I wouldn’t be doing so good in life. That’s the only lesson I’ve learned from all this heartache. I won’t cry over him anymore. I have a great life now. I have a healthy relationship. Bennett follows his dreams, I follow mine, and together we meet in the middle.

  Moving forward I choose to ignore the presence of Noah. He is more than welcome to carry on as he has in the past months. I won’t be bothered by it. He will hopefully know better than to contact me or even decide to win me back. If I didn’t make it abundantly clear that I wanted nothing to do with him, then he must blind.

  Packing my bags for a trip out of town with Bennett, I remember the teddy bear I had sitting on my shelf, the bear Noah gave me many years ago. Searching around everywhere I suddenly panic, “Where the fuck did it go?” I’m moving things to the side, looking in unlikely places, it’s not like the bear can gather legs and find somewhere to hide. Frantically, I scurry through my room. Only one explanation in all this makes sense – he took it. But the day we talked, he never had a chance to go to my bedroom, he was never alone. He’s been in here. The thought of him being in this room without my knowledge sends shivers down my spine. Unimaginable. Why would he take the bear? The answer is out there, but I’m afraid to know it, and I’m trying not to make an effort to find out.

  Continuing to pack my bags, my attempts of forgetting about Noah are few and far between. One minute I’m smiling thinking about Bennett, the next I’m angry at Noah. Optimistically I’m ready for this trip, in the back of mind, I’m expecting us to be completely alone away from the drama. The doorbell shakes me from my thoughts as I answer and find the mailman holding an envelope. “Sign here,” an older average size lady asks, as I oblige. Curious I rip the envelo
pe open without a second look where it came from. It was addressed to me, that much I gathered.

  Dear Jenna,

  These words won’t mean much to you, I’m sure. I fucked up. There’s no easy way to say it. I should’ve had the decency to tell you exactly what was happening without pulling you through the ringer. I know you were hurting. I watched you weep. I watched you think the world was falling apart. But I can’t help noticing how great you’re doing now. It’s because of me.

  “Because of you?” I shout at the letter. “How can you even try and take credit for this?”

  You were always strong you just never saw it. I’m glad my “death” was a way for you to realize how strong you are. I don’t regret that. Do you think you would’ve ever started your own magazine? I’m sure you would’ve continued to work with what’s his face and been miserable. I’m proud of you.

  “Oh please,” I roll my eyes as I continue to read.

  I still love you. I will always love you because what I did was for your own protection. I admit, I was ashamed to have fallen down such a path. I had to fight those demons alone, without you.

  “You didn’t have to, you chose to,” I mumble.

  Demons that haunted me not only about my problem but the pain I’ve caused you. It’s not my proudest moment you can believe me. It was my only escape from the hell I’ve caused myself. It was my only way without repercussions.

  As ludicrous as it sounds, I made sure you were all right. I saw you at places you weren’t expecting to run into someone like me. I saw you when

  “Wait, at the bar, that was you wasn’t it?” I question myself.

  …you thought you had seen me. I tried to hide and I was so thankful of your best friend talking you down. I can’t imagine if you’d come up to me and the cover would’ve been blown. I had to play my part. But my part is over now. I can’t sit back and watch you fall for another man. Another man being one of my closest friends. Do you know how crazy that sounds? To lose the love of my life to my friend. I can’t handle that. Can you take my feelings into consideration?

  “Fuck no I can’t. You fucked up. It’s on you, not me, not on Bennett,” crumbling the paper I don’t even finish the letter. I just toss it on the sofa. “Stupid ass,” I complain as I walk back into my bedroom finishing up packing until I’m being interrupted again. Unexpectedly finding a bouquet of flowers I pick them up and place them on the table ignoring their beauty. Roses. He knows I hate roses, especially the red ones, I think to myself.

  Annoyed I finally zip up the luggage when the doorbell yet again rings and I lose my shit. “What the fuck now?” I swing the door open nearly breaking the wall behind.

  “Whoa baby, you alright?” Bennett stands on the other side of the doorframe.

  Uncontrollably I jump into his arms excited to see him. Squeezing him tight. Shaking from the overwhelming feeling. He fills me with so much joy when I lay my eyes on him. In a tight blue t-shirt showing off every ridge of his muscles on his upper arm I’m blessed to have such a good-looking man in my life. His hands holding me up by my butt cheeks are already turning me on before we even leave for our mini vacation. “I should put you down,” he says before placing his tender and soft lips against mine and gives me the most heated and passionate kiss yet.

  “So, what’s got you all fired up?” he asks as I carry the suitcase down the spiral stairs.

  “Noah sent me a letter. Oh, and those stupid flowers,” I place the suitcase on the floor, pick up the crumpled letter, hand it to him, and await his reaction.

  “A letter, huh? How original,” he laughs.

  “You don’t have to bother reading it. It’s nonsense.”

  “Oh, but I want to,” he opens the letter, “damn, this fucker is long.”

  “I wouldn’t know, I didn’t’ finish it,” I admit as I pour myself a water bottle for the road.

  “Is it that bad?” he stands, stunned as he reads the words. “That’s fucked up.” I can only assume which part he’s reading.

  Driving towards the airport in his jeep we’re jamming to his favorite radio station while the words between us fall flat. I keep replaying the letter in my mind wondering if perhaps I should’ve finished it until the end. Bennett did, I couldn’t. Whatever he says won’t change the fact it’s over between us and I never want to see him again. Other women might be happy that the person they thought was dead would be back, but his passing caused too much heartache to ever let go. In a way, I’m harboring hate towards him.

  “You ready to spend the weekend with me?” our hands are locked as we wait to board the plane.

  Jobs fill your pocket, and adventures fill your soul.

  From behind the airport fades into the distance as we’re shuttled to the nearest hotel. Bennett seems quiet and I’m enjoying my very first trip to Louisiana. The 90-degree weather and swampy air hits me hard in the face as we exit the car and make our way into the hotel.

  Bennett and I share a room. A room with a king size bed and a bathtub centered in the middle of the room. It’s not your average hotel room. This room seems different and unique. And though it’s your average hotel, it’s definitely not the same as others when you enter.

  Bennett jumps onto the bed with his back first and legs sprawled, “this I like,” he grins as I stare with my hands on my hips watching him.

  “Do you now?” I tease.

  “Join me,” his fingers giving me the signal.

  “Eh,” I’m stubborn waiting for his reaction.

  “Come here, woman,” he demands, as I can’t help but giggle.

  Joining him in the bed, my body wrapped into his arms and warm embrace, I enjoy every second I can be close to him. He held my hand. I gave him a look. The way he says my name, “Jenna,” sends shivers down my spine and I know he’s the one.

  Time passes every time we make out. Time passes when it’s just he and I enjoying our moments together. Time runs away from us when all I want is for it to stop. Being close to him makes everything around me fade. A love like his doesn’t come every day. I feel blessed and lucky to have him. Therefore, I will make sure he never leaves, I never let him go, and we never lose each other. Because of him I’m happy.

  The next morning, we embark on our journey to an abandoned amusement park. Many couples have some things they enjoy doing together, dinners, same taste in music, movies, maybe an art project, working on cars, something they enjoy doing together. We are that couple that enjoys abandoned places. If you think about it, it’s a little morbid. A relationship should be butterflies, love, flowers, yet we find our love and enjoyment at places that have long gone died. Our love blossoms amongst dead things. I just came up with that, but it’s beyond true.

  Creepy. Quiet. Dark. Dreary. Those are only a few words to describe the drive alone past the Six Flags sign towards the gates of the park even on this warm sunny day. From the interstate you could see the many rollercoaster’s. The green metal gates to enter between the ticket booths are all closed, except one. We slide by it and are shocked by all the graffiti on each building. Broken glass on the ground forces us to pay close attention where we walk. Upon entering Bennett jokes, “I have a season pass.” Laughter even falls from a city member accompanying us. “I will leave you two to explore while I wait here,” he sits on a broken park bench nearby, “just make sure to be safe, some stuff could still fall or immensely hurt you, I would keep my eyes open and not test out the equipment too hard,” he winks at us. Bennett and I exchange a confused look, “I hope he doesn’t think we’re going to have sex here somewhere,” I whisper while Bennett laughs, “Maybe we will, we don’t know that,” he grabs my hand and leads me down the path.

  Passing busted lockers, broken ride signs, overgrown fences, it’s abundantly clear how many trespassers actually come through. The doors of buildings have been taken away, windows have been shattered, and even concrete picnic benches are busted. There’s a quiet sound filling the area, but when you imagine all the joy that was had here, all the
laughter and excited screams to echo through this beautiful city. Close your eyes and imagine a busting rollercoaster ride, you’re going up and down the hills and turns. Now imagine that same exact ride completely empty, the wagon of the rollercoaster completely filled with dust and debris, rusted tracks, and trees growing all around it.

  Hurricane Katrina definitely made her mark here. The park is trashed. Where once stood Jester’s Hot Wings with I assume many customers, is now a purple building with a faded sign. Rides completely standing still. Rusted metal Exit Only signs are apparent which way to get in line. “Yay, we’re first in line,” I laugh, as we make our way closer to one of the rollercoaster’s. Vehicles left behind. And as I sit inside I pretend to actually be moving. It’s mind blowing how everything has just been left behind.

  Jazzland was once a busy park, prizes were won, food was bought, rides were ridden, stairs were climbed, funnel cake was eaten, ice cream was sucked, oodles of water were consumed, and I feel like this place could still hold that same potential. It’s been over ten years and the bumper cars are still sitting still. They never floated away, leaving this ride completely useless.

  “Fucking creepy,” Bennett is in awe just as much as I am.

  “Yeah it is,” I take it all in.

  “This is officially my favorite ride,” Bennett and I make it to the Joker ride sitting in the abandoned ride.

  “No, the Ferris wheel is the best,” I point it out.

  “It would be fun to sit at the top looking over the city with you in my arms,” I sit on his lap.

  “It would. But I’d much rather be kissing at the top than overlooking anything,” I kiss him passionately.