“Shit, wait a minute, I forgot, the condoms are still in my coat.” And probably still cold. Matt gulped at that thought.
Jamal reached to stop him. “Come on, it’s okay.” Enticingly, he urged Matt’s hips to press against his own.
It would be easy, so easy. Just fall into that warm, sticky heat between them. To press his aching cock to Jamal’s ass, to spread him open, to feel his cock sliding inside. Into that warmth. Jamal had to be so tight, Matt almost lost it just thinking about how good he was going to feel. It would be so easy, so very easy.
With a groan, he said, “No, man, I’m not gonna be disrespectful to you like that. Protection, always.”
Jamal looked disappointed as he turned away from the bed and walked as fast as he could and still maintain his dignity. The coats were where he had left them, thrown over the sofa. Quickly he fumbled around with the pockets, until the small packet fell out of the— of course— very last pocket. They were as cold as he had feared. He ripped a few out and held them between his palms, trying to warm them before he had to slip one on in a few seconds.
“They’re still cold,” he said by way of explanation to that beautiful boy laying naked on his bed. Only instead of the overcome with lust look he had had only seconds ago, now Jamal looked worried. Stressed even. “It’ll only take a few moments, it’ll be okay.” When Jamal didn’t answer him, Matt asked, “Are you okay?”
Jamal sat up, nervously biting his lower lip. “I uh… do those things hurt? I heard they hurt really bad.”
“No, no, you’re fine. I’ll be gentle and…” Wait a minute. What was Jamal saying? He’d “heard” that they hurt? Feeling the mood slip away, Matt asked the one question he didn’t want to ask. “So… have you never used one of these?”
Instead of answering right away, Jamal looked horribly guilty. Guilty enough to pull the sheet over his waist, hiding his erection from sight. “I… well, we don’t really… I mean, in my country… you know how it is if you’re gay there…”
“What, they hate gays so much you can’t even find a condom? Not one?”
“No, if you ask for one— or for a test— then you’ll be found out. And then what happens?”
“Wait a minute… you’ve never been tested? You’ve been having loads of unprotected sex and you’ve never been tested?” Tossing the condoms down, Matt reached for his jeans. They weren’t having sex now, no way.
Still keeping the sheet over his lap, Jamal brought his legs over the side of the bed, looking like he just wanted to hide under that sheet. “I think I should go.”
“I think you should too.”
He couldn’t look at Jamal as the boy stood up and gathered his clothes as quickly as he could. What more was there to say? If he hadn’t forgotten the condoms would Jamal have even told him, or would he have just let it happen? Matt slumped to the spot on the bed that Jamal had vacated. He didn’t say a word as the boy slipped out of the bedroom. When the door shut, he punched the pillow beside him.
In the window Butch jumped, the noise too loud for her. “Sorry, cat,” he muttered, not sure if he was angry or sad. Sad certainly. He had just let something he thought was going to be so good— someone he had wanted for so long now— slip away. Or rather, he had found out something he had wanted for so long wasn’t what he had really wanted. The last thing he needed in his life was some foolish guy who thought AIDS was nothing.
What the fuck? What was wrong with Jamal? Why was he so stupid? Surely it couldn’t be that hard to find condoms over there, could it? What did straight couples do?
Why did life have to be so messy?
“Butch, you’re lucky you’re spayed.” The cat stared at him like she was unimpressed. And why would she be? He snorted at his own thoughts and looked down, to the chair that Jamal had thrown his clothes over. It should have been empty, but no, there was the hoodie on it. Shit, did he just leave his clothes here and walk back in the cold? Oh, and hadn’t he told Jamal he would walk him back? Y’know, do the gentlemanly thing and see he was in safe, particularly after almost getting frostbite.
Fuck.
Matt scrambled to get dressed and get his boots on as quickly as he could.
Chapter Seven
The night was bitter but Jamal didn’t feel a bit of it. He was lost, so far inside his own thoughts that he felt nothing, and saw even less. As fast as he could, he walked down the empty street, glad that no one was around to see the shame that must have been written all over his face. Things were so different here, too different. He was almost to the street lights of the main street when he heard the sound of someone running behind him.
Before he could turn, he heard Matt’s voice. “Hang on, wait a sec.”
Jamal stopped but didn’t turn around. This was the last thing he could deal with. “What? Haven’t you already hurt me enough for one night?” He didn’t bother to hide the pain in his voice. What was the point? Matt had rejected him, why be coy about if it hurt or not?
Matt caught up to him. “Hey, look at who’s hurting who. When were you going to tell me you’ve had unprotected sex and no AIDS test, eh?”
“I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I… ” I what? He knew this day might come, he just never knew it would come with the angry almost-lover being Matt.
Matt, who he had daydreamed about for three years. Matt, who was funny at the meetings. Matt, who knew exactly what kind of drink he liked and exactly how to make it. Matt, who had cared enough that he had saved him in the blizzard. Matt, who had talked to him about Serik. Matt, who was everything he wanted.
Matt.
Looking down, Jamal whispered, “I-I was going to tell you.”
“In those next few seconds I hope.”
“I was going to tell you, can you just leave me alone?” His voice broke at that, a sob caught in his throat.
In a voice that sounded as ragged as Jamal felt, Matt said, “You left this.” He held up the hoodie. “I don’t want you to get cold.”
“I’m from a cold country, Matt. This is nothing.” Jamal eyed the hoodie like the traitor it was.
Matt gave him a sardonic look. “So why did you get so cold the other day? A blizzard shouldn’t have been anything for you, then.”
“No, it shouldn’t have. I was stupid. I left the room without getting dressed. I was thinking about my friend.” God, what a long week this was turning out to be. Jamal half-kicked at the ground, wishing it would just open up and take him away. If crying could get him somewhere, Jamal would have tried it. He felt like trying it. Instead, he hunched up and half-turned from Matt. Why stay and be humiliated more? Matt didn’t want him.
Before he had a chance to walk away, Matt cleared his throat. “I said I’d walk you home and get you there safe, so if it’s all the same to you, that’s what I’m doing.”
Jamal stopped and looked over his shoulder to Matt. “I live in a country where most men think all gay men should be shot and killed. Do you really think a walk through some quaint little Americana town is going to either frighten me, or honestly be dangerous?”
“So is that why?”
“Why what?”
Matt winced at Jamal’s sharp tone but continued anyway. “Why you didn’t get an AIDS test.”
“I would have thought that was obvious. Don’t you get it, Matt?” Jamal stared at him like he had gone mad. “We can’t tell anyone in my country. We can’t meet one another, we can’t go out on dates, we can’t fall in love. Now you tell me how I’m supposed to go and ‘do the right thing’ when I’ve got a mother who hounds me all day and night— even here in America— to go find some pretty girl and get married. You know she calls me every day— every day— to talk about this girl or that girl or ‘Did you hear, Zhuldyz doesn’t have a boyfriend. Why don’t you be her boyfriend?’ Matt, I get this all the time. I get it from my mama and my papa, I get it from my brother and from my two male cousins every day. And on top of that, when I’m home, I have to worry about being found out every day. I have to wat
ch what I say and what I do. I have to watch where I go and is anyone following me? It’s frightening, and in that atmosphere are you honestly asking me if I can just run down to my doctor’s office and say ‘Oh, can I get an AIDS test?’ Do you really think I can?”
Jamal could see Matt’s body deflate right then and there. In a small voice, he said, “Well, why didn’t you tell me all this?”
“What the fuck?” Jamal all but shouted, crossing his arms. “I have told you about how it is in my country. Have you forgotten already about what happened to my friend? That was just for walking home. What do you honestly think would happen if I did something as dangerous as try to get a condom?”
Even in the moonlight it was easy to see just how embarrassed Matt was. “Okay, but why didn’t you get tested here? You’ve been here three years now, no one back home would have known.”
Jamal rolled his eyes at Matt’s ignorance. “What was the point? Haven’t you been listening to me? Who’s been looking at me? Nobody wants me, no one wants the freaky Asian dude with the weird eyes who can’t even speak English without an accent. And I’m Muslim on top of that… Who knows, I may want to blow something up, y’know, just snap and there I am, off on Jihad.” Jamal waved his arm over his head. “Trust me, no one wants me.”
“Well… I want you.”
Jamal stared at Matt. After all this, did he actually say what he thought he just said? “You really still want me?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
That word hung in the air like a knife, like a hurt. Jamal couldn’t help that his voice was so soft, so alone in that one word. Why, indeed? Matt reached under Jamal’s chin and lifted his face up until their eyes met. In the light of the moon, he could see tears forming into ice on Matt’s eyelashes. Before he could say another word, Matt wrapped his arms around Jamal and kissed him. Jamal let his head fall back, let Matt enter the heat of his mouth.
When the kiss broke off, Matt looked into Jamal’s eyes. In a voice rough with the effort not to cry, he said, “You’re not getting it either. I don’t give a fuck about what other people think. I want you. I want to be with you, now can we get that cleared up? I don’t ask many guys out on dates, and I, certainly, don’t have crushes that go on for three years.”
“Okay.” In that moment, Jamal decided. Love was more important than shame, than fear. If he wanted this life, he had to grab it. And he had to make amends, starting right here. “Okay… I’ll do it. I’ll get the test.” His heart pounded just thinking about the test, and his family finding out about it. His voice left him with his courage as he asked, “But it won’t be on my record or my visa information or anything like that, will it?”
“No Jamal. Wait… are you worried your folks’ll find out?” Matt looked surprised, like it had never occurred to him. Jamal nodded miserably. Matt squeezed his shoulders and looked him deep in the eye. “Ah, Jamal, no one has a right to know, no one. It’ll be okay, they can’t hurt you here.”
Jamal stiffened at that and pulled away from Matt. He really didn’t get his family, did he? Over his shoulder he said, “They wouldn’t hurt me anyways.”
“Maybe not physically, but you’re already hurt inside. How could you not be?” Matt gently pulled Jamal around to face him.
Jamal knew he was right, but family was family. It didn’t matter that Papa wanted all gay men dead, he was still family and even if he found out, he never would throw him away like he had seen so many other boys in the LGBT group talk about with their families. He might never speak to him again, but he never would cut him completely out of the family. “All I have is my family.”
“Yeah, but they try and control everything you do. What kind of family is that?”
Jamal looked up the dark street before answering. “You don’t understand, that’s just how it is in Kazakhstan. They can’t help it. Gays just don’t exist there.”
“Bullshit. You’re there, you exist.”
“No, stupid.” Jamal rolled his eyes for both of them. “Gays don’t exist to them, not literally. They’re not a part of Kazakh culture.”
“Yeah, family… I suppose I’m not one to talk about families.” Matt sighed heavily. He looked every bit as tired and down as Jamal felt. “I’m sorry, Jamal. I-I hear what you’re saying, but I guess I don’t really understand what it means.” Even his voice was low. “I mean… I know bad shit happens to gay men all around the world, but… I suppose I was happy in my own little bubble of openness, and it never really dawned on me what it felt like, or what you have to go through so you’re not found out and hurt. I never really got it until now.”
Jamal shrugged his shoulders, a sad smile on his lips. “Welcome to my world.”
“Yeah, really.” Matt looked away, his eyes wandering from the lamp posts, to the cars, to the space just before Jamal’s feet. Even in the faint light, Jamal could see his lower lip tremble, as though he were about to cry. In a voice so soft Jamal had to lean forward to hear it, Matt asked, “Can I see you again?”
Jamal stepped forward until he was against Matt’s chest. “Of course.” It was no effort to kiss him,Matt all but melted into that contact. When it broke, Jamal murmured into his chest, “Only… after the test. I want to be alone for it. Is that okay?”
“Anything you want, Jamal, just please…”
“Yes?”
“Please be okay. I just want you happy.” Matt leaned his head down, until their foreheads were touching. “Can I still walk you home?”
Jamal reached up and softly stroked the side of Matt’s cheek, feeling the stubble under his fingers. “As long as you hold my hand.”
“I can do that.” Matt kissed his fingers before taking Jamal’s hand in his.
Chapter Eight
“So honey, what are you meditating over that takes up all your concentration?”
Matt looked up from the spot he had been staring at for the past half an hour, it seemed. Ms. Feinstein had somehow managed to sneak in when he wasn’t looking. No stupid, you were too busy staring at that hole and being upset about Jamal.
As if she could read his mind, Ms. Feinstein asked, “What’s wrong, honey? You okay?”
He started to nod yes… but the nod came out as a shake. Behind his eyes he could feel the burn of tears wanting to come out. But no, he wasn’t going to cry.
“Come on. Pour me a coffee, and come sit down with me.” She patted his hand and walked to her customary seat by the window.
On automatic, Matt poured two coffees and walked to Ms. Feinstein’s seat. The only time this table wasn’t considered hers was in the summer, when she took up residence at the table on the right side of the shop’s outdoor seating.
Today couldn’t be more different than the summer. Besides him and Ms. Feinstein, there was no one else in the shop. Hell, Matt hadn’t even seen many people walking down Main Street all day, and they had done so little business he wasn’t really sure why they bothered opening on days like this. Ms. Feinstein smiled at him as he walked towards her. She finished taking off her winter gear as he placed the coffee before her, black just the way she liked it.
“You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, my dear. What’s wrong?”
“It’s Jamal.” He felt guilty talking, but he needed to get it out to someone.
She looked up from her coffee. “Is that the boy from the other day?”
He nodded. “He’s from Kazakhstan.”
“Ah, he is quite exotic looking.”
He felt terrible saying the next words but he couldn’t stop them. “His family is strange.”
Ms. Feinstein snorted and eyed him as she put her drink back on the table. Patting his hand, she said, “Now, Matt, just because they’re not like us, that doesn’t make them strange. That’s just how diversity works. And your mother’s no walk in the park, either.”
Matt tried hard not to pull a face. “No. I mean, I know that. But no, this family is strange.”
“Okay. How so?”
She looked him straight in the eye.
Running his fingers through his hair, Matt decided to start with the biggest issue. “Well first off, they’re like super homophobic.”
Ms. Feinstein patted him on the hand again and sighed. “That’s sadly the norm, Matt. We’re just lucky we live in a liberal place like New York. A homophobic family wouldn’t be out of place in, say, Alabama, or even parts of New Jersey. That’s just how the world is.”
“No, they’re like super homophobic. His dad tells him all the time that gay people need to be killed.” Matt felt like punching someone— like Jamal’s dad— when he said that. “How the hell can someone be that evil?”
“I take it they don’t know he’s gay?”
He snorted. “How could they not? I mean, I like Jamal— I mean I like Jamal— but even so, he’s pretty obvious, don’t you think?”
“It doesn’t matter what you think, or what I think.” Now was her turn to snort and roll her eyes. “Remember, you are gay, and I’m an old liberal Jew, so of course we’re going to see gayness where it occurs. But, if it’s not something you’re around much, how can you spot it?”
“True.” He really hated when she was right.
“Just look at what’s happening in Russia. You have city officials claiming they have no gay people, even when there’s gay bars in their town. Look at that idiot who ran Iran, Ahmadinejad. He claimed there were no gay men in Iran. Look at the holocaust deniers. If they can pretend that eleven million people didn’t disappear off the face of the planet, then what’s a family who doesn’t want to see that their son is gay?”
Matt glowered at her. “Are you always right?”
She had the audacity to look smug. “Yes, and the sooner you realize it, the easier your life will be. Now what does Jamal think of his family?”
“Well, that’s the oddest thing. I’m pretty sure he loves them. He was so worried his parents would be upset that he spent the night at my place, and he’s resigned to going back to Kazakhstan and doing what they want when he gets his degree.”
Un/Common Ground Page 6