“I can’t either,” Hana adds. “Super crazy.”
“Can we see the bear?” Alice asks, squeezing her face tight.
I shake my head. “Um, no. After hiding it in my closet for a bit, I decided to just give it to Gemma. It’s hers now and it lives in her room, and if we go in there, she’ll never leave us alone . . . I mean, never.”
Everyone laughs.
“It’s a little romantic that he sent it to you,” Hana says. “I mean, that he sent it to you at school. It’s pretty cool.”
Alice raises her eyebrows. “I know . . . who knew Golfy had this super-sweet side to him?”
Zoe shrugs. “We underestimated the boy, I guess. And Ari broke his heart. . . .”
I sigh. “Guys, I thought you were all supposed to be my friends. And be supportive. You said you still loved me when we texted about it. Remember?”
“We are, we are,” Alice says defensively. “It’s just, like, awkward a bit. And Golfy is our friend, too, and so, ya know.”
I nod.
They’re all quiet after that, looking at each other like they’re thinking something they don’t want to say out loud.
I say, “Okay, let’s talk about something else.”
We stay up until three in the morning watching old camp videos and fast-forwarding and rewinding and then fast-forwarding again.
“OMG, look at Golfy there,” Zoe squeals. “The summer we were nine. He was so little!”
Hana agrees, “He really was.”
“Look at me, guys,” Alice says a second later when she comes on the video. “Oh, remember that girl Hope who was in our bunk that summer? She never came back.”
They go on and on like this, and I realize it’s possible to feel left out at a sleepover at your own home with girls who are your BFFs. There will always be camp memories I’m not part of; there will always be summers they had without me. There’s no way to turn back time and for me to be there when I wasn’t.
I sit quietly while they yelp every few minutes when someone they know comes on, or when they’re reliving a memory.
There are only so many remember whens you can hear about before you start to tune them out, before you wish you hadn’t suggested this activity.
“Okay, this is the last old one, guys,” I tell everyone. “Then we’re watching the one from this past summer? Okay?”
Alice answers sure, not really paying attention, and I go to my window and look over at Jason’s room with the light on. I can see him sitting with his feet up on his desk, playing a handheld video game.
I feel torn between two worlds, in a way. Not exactly sure where I want to be.
31
KAYLAN
CAMI AND I FIND A few new friends on this trip. They’re from Massachusetts, a town called Gloucester, and live right on the ocean.
“We need warmth in the winter, though,” one of them tells us. Her name is Ali.
The other one is named Eliza. They’re best friends and their parents are best friends and they always vacation together in the winter, but they go somewhere different every year.
Ali’s like Ari and Eliza’s like me and I start to imagine our families going on vacation together. It makes me feel lonely in a way, and I’m not sure why.
I’ve settled into a groove with Cami, though. We’re by the pool all day, every day doing the waterslides and the lazy river and everything, but when we want time to chill and lounge, she gets it. It took all week—and I’m not even sure how we did it—but we finally got there.
And we have fun, we really do.
It’s just that she’s not Ari. And even though Ari and I have our ups and downs, she’s the one friend I never really get sick of, the friend who truly gets me.
At the end of the trip, when we’re on the plane home, Cami starts crying. “I’m so sad it’s over. I really wanted us to bond and stuff, and be like official BFFs by the time we came home, but I don’t think that happened, do you?”
“I mean, we’re really close friends,” I reassure her, a sense of agita creeping in.
“But BFF? Like hardcore? Like you and Ari? Like soulmate best friends?”
“Cam, come on.” I pause, really wishing we weren’t having this conversation. “Everyone’s friendships are different. You and June have been best friends since preschool, and Ari and I have only known each other since fourth grade. No friendship is exactly like any other friendship.”
She rolls her eyes. “That feels lame, no offense.”
I look over at Jane and Lou across the aisle and I know they’re listening and whispering to each other about us like they’ve done the whole trip. But I don’t even care. Maybe if they were nicer sisters to Cami she wouldn’t be so needy. Maybe she wouldn’t have to act like such a know-it-all at the lunch table. Maybe I wouldn’t even be on this trip because she would have been happy to hang out with her sisters and she wouldn’t need me as much.
“It’s not lame. It’s the truth.” I hesitate before saying anything else. “But don’t stress it so much. I think you’re always worried about who’s BFF with who and the drama and the whole Jason and Ari thing with the whole Jason and me thing. But it’s taking you out of the moment. You spent most of the time on this trip convincing me I should be annoyed about Jason and Ari.”
“Well, you should. That’s not what a real best friend would do, Kaylan. I think you know that deep down.” She rolls her eyes at the seat in front of her. “I’m listening to music now and hopefully falling asleep. See you when we land.”
“Sweet dreams,” I say.
I close my eyes and lean my head back and think about this trip and whatever happened at home while I was away.
On some level, I can’t wait to be home and have this whole experience behind me. But on another level, I feel like so many things have changed and it’s going to be even weirder to go back to normal life.
Bubbly, funny Cami doesn’t seem quite so bubbly and funny anymore.
I guess I was the last one to realize that.
As soon as I walk in the house after getting back from the airport, I run upstairs and collapse on my bed, sighing the hugest sigh of relief I’ve ever sighed.
I’m home.
I didn’t realize this about myself, but I like home. I like my bed and my window seat and my desk and my curtains and even the creaky floorboards. I like that when I walk into the house it always smells like a mixture of Mom’s Christmas candles and folded laundry.
I like the way our landline rings.
I like the way our dishwasher sings when it’s done running.
I like home.
I hear my mom coming up the stairs, and I lie back on my bed. I sniff my sheets—fresh and clean from the dryer. If this is what it’s like to be away for a week, how am I going to survive one session at comedy camp? What if it’s a whole place full of people like Cami?
I wonder if it’s too late to convert to Judaism and go to Camp Silver with Ari.
“So happy you’re home, Kay.” My mom smiles, lying down next to me. “We missed you.”
“I missed you so much, Mom. I don’t think I’m going to go away for college, okay? I may just live here forever.” I laugh. “Not even kidding.”
“Kaylan, come on. I’m not that exciting.” I lean my head on her shoulder and breathe in her fruity perfume. My mom is magic. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that. I never want to leave her again. I reach over and wrap my arms around her back.
“I love you, Mommy.”
She pulls back after a minute. “I love you, too, but what’s happening? Are you okay? Where is this coming from?”
I try as hard as I can to swallow back tears but eventually I can’t do it anymore.
“Kaylan. What happened?” She looks at me, eyes wide, all serious. “Tell me. Now. Did someone hurt you?”
She truly looks petrified.
“No, Mom.” I laugh and cry at the same time. “Nothing like that. Come on.”
“Well, talk to me. P
lease.”
I sit up and inch back against my pillows. “I don’t know. It was just so awkward. And Cami got really annoying,” I start. “I just felt so out of place. Like I could never really get comfortable there.”
My mom nods. “I see.”
I think about telling her the other stuff—about Ari and Jason—but truthfully I don’t know if it’s really even bothering me. How is it possible to not know your own feelings?
We should have put that on the list: figure out our own feelings.
“So that was it? I’m not saying that’s not a bad feeling. But I just want to make sure you’re not leaving anything out.” She looks at me in that mom way where it seems like she’s actually seeing some inner crevices of my soul and can tell exactly what I’m thinking without me even saying anything.
I nod. “That was it.”
“I’m always here if you want to talk. You know that. Yes?”
“Yes,” I reply. “Thank you.”
32
ARI
AFTER BREAK, TIME SORT OF goes in slow motion. It’s like there’s really nothing to look forward to and the weeks just sort of melt away.
Kaylan and I keep busy with lots of Bubbie and Zeyda visits. We try out more fruit-water varieties on them—Bubbie’s favorite is the pineapple peach. I think that may be mine, too.
Pretty soon we find ourselves in the doldrums of March, and each day bleeds into the next. It’s cold and gray and no one really wants to do anything.
Even the lunch table conversations are sort of slow and boring.
Something changed on that trip that Cami and Kaylan went on and I don’t know what it is.
It’s like all the air was sucked out of Cami. She’s a deflated balloon now. A soda without the fizz.
I can’t figure it out.
After school, I meet Kaylan at the lockers. We sit down, our knees pulled up to our chests so we don’t accidentally trip anyone walking by, and we look over the list.
13 Must-Dos to Keep Crushing It as 13-Year-Olds
Hula-hoop on a unicycle. (in process)
Start a movement. (trying)
Figure out how we feel about God. (on the path)
Spend more time with Bubbie and Zeyda. (doing this)
Perfect the art of persuasion, especially with Kaylan’s mom. (on it)
Train for and run a race. (not yet)
Come up with many varieties of fruit-infused water. (yum. doing this)
Properly thank our teachers before the end of the year. (on hold)
Find a unicorn. (hmm)
Win an online contest. (TBD)
Be Me. (crushing this)
Eat one of those super-spicy chips. (on order)
Convince Ari’s parents that they need a dog and come up with an awesome name for said dog. (working on it, on hold until spring)
“Well, we start training for the race next week,” Kaylan reminds me. “It should be warmer by then. Almost April, ya know. But we can’t thank the teachers yet. It would be mega weird to do that before the end of the year.”
I nod. “And we’re working on the unicycle thing, obv.” I look over at her. “I think we need a sleepover to tackle the God thing, and the Movement thing. We can also enter a ton of online contests and search Pet Finder for the dog. We’ll get a ton done in a short time.”
“Good plan,” Kaylan replies, scrolling through her phone. “Oh! I meant to tell you! Our chip delivery just got moved up! It’ll be here this weekend.”
“Oh, yay!” I pause to think about what I’m going to say next. I decide not to say it; I can save it for when the chip actually arrives. “By the way, I’m so glad we’re not JHHing this list. It’s so many works in progress.”
Kaylan pauses a minute. “Yeah, you’re totally right. This list pretty much is us. We are works in progress, too. Duh.”
I nod, sort of zoning out.
She continues, “That’s why it’s okay if we make dumb decisions because we’re still figuring stuff out.”
I look at Kaylan out of one eye, not totally sure what she means. I wait for her to elaborate.
She doesn’t, though. She’s just quiet, looking at the list.
Then she says, “Parents don’t have an excuse to make dumb decisions, though. They’re supposed to know better.”
I nod. When Kaylan gets like this, all philosophical and rant-y, I know it’s best to just let her go. Let her talk. Free her mind and her feelings.
I don’t think I know anyone better than I know Kaylan.
Even Gemma, even Alice and the camp girls.
Kaylan’s more of a sister to me than Gemma is, I think. But I’d feel pretty bad saying that out loud.
“Parents aren’t supposed to be so dumb,” Kaylan says. “They’re not supposed to only think about themselves.”
“That’s true. It’s like you lose your time to be selfish when you have kids. It’s over. And people should know that,” I say softly, not really knowing exactly what she’s talking about, but trying to offer something helpful.
“I hate everyone.” Kaylan buries her head in her knees and doesn’t look up. I stare at the list because I don’t know what else to do. Taking out my phone would be rude. But I also don’t want to interrogate Kaylan and ask her what’s up. Then I start to wonder if she means me, too. That she hates me. And I start to think about my decisions and if they’ve been dumb.
Maybe she’s talking about the Jason thing.
I look at the clock above one of the classrooms and we have five minutes to get to the gym. I need to reel her back in, get us on track to move forward with this unicycle thing.
“What do you mean you hate everyone?” I ask finally, almost in a whisper.
She doesn’t pick her head up and she doesn’t say anything for a few moments. But then finally she does.
“The thing with my dad getting remarried. It’s all hitting me. I’m so mad about it.”
“Yeah.” I put an arm around her. “I get that.”
“Why is he literally the dumbest human ever to live? Why does he want to marry someone else, anyway? I mean, my mom is the best ever. And so am I. And Ryan’s, like, fine. Not amazing, but fine.”
I laugh, even though I shouldn’t.
Kaylan’s funny even when she’s at her saddest. I guess that means she’s really, truly a funny person. Destined to be a comedian. I’m so glad she’s going to comedy camp.
“Oh, what did he say about camp?” I ask her. “Don’t tell me he said no, and that’s another reason you’re mad. . . .”
She replies, “He finally said I can go to comedy camp. He emailed me when I was on the trip and said he’ll help pay for some of it, but I have to use some of my birthday savings, too. I was so mixed up about his email that I couldn’t even talk about it out loud.” I pause.
I lean in closer to her and she keeps talking. “And he wants me to leave for part of comedy camp so I can go to the wedding. How crazy is that? Like we’re just going to be fine and happy at this thing? Celebrating this new stupid life he has with this stupid lady in Arizona. I mean, come on. Why would we want to see that? No one even wants to see their own parents kiss, but to see one parent kiss another adult, a stranger? I mean, ew. Grossest thing ever. Right?”
I try to put myself in her position right now, and I can’t even imagine it. “Yeah, super gross.”
We’re quiet after that and I want to tell her it’s time to go to the gym but I also think this conversation is important and we should keep talking.
“I just hate everyone,” she continues. “I mean, I love you, but I also hate you right now. This Jason thing is super awk, Ari.”
My skin prickles a little and my instant reaction is to just get up and run away and cry in the bathroom.
She goes on, “I mean, I liked him, and even though I sort of stopped liking him, I didn’t totally stop. And you knew that. And it’s like a violation of some kind of ethical code to start going out with someone your best friend used to go out with. Ya k
now?”
“I’m not familiar with that code,” I say quietly. “I honestly thought you were totally over Jason, and also I thought you didn’t even care. So where is this coming from now?”
“I thought I didn’t care, but then I realized I do care.” She puts her head back down on her knees. “Can you go tell the PE teachers that we’re not coming today? I’m not in the mood to unicycle.”
“But the list, Kay. Come on, we have tons to do.” I put an arm around her. “Loyal to the List.”
“I know. But not today,” she replies without picking her head up again.
I sit there for a minute, wondering if I can just email the PE department because I really don’t feel like getting up.
“You’re the only one I told about my dad, by the way,” she mumbles. “Not even Cami when we were on the trip, and I was so miserable. And I haven’t told anyone about comedy camp since I wasn’t even sure my dad would help pay for it so I could go!” She huffs. “So even though I hate you, I obviously love you, too. Just FYI. We’re obviously on another level.”
My mind flashes to the unicorn thing.
“Good to know.” I lean my head on my palm and close my eyes for a minute. I try to find the energy to get up and walk all the way to the gym to tell them about our change in plans.
And when I finally do, I walk over there, and I think about what Kaylan was saying about decisions and selfishness and all that stuff.
I think about what my camp friends said during the sleepover about Golfy being their friend, too.
I don’t know how all of this got so complicated.
I kind of wish I had one of those thick white erasers that I use for math, but a giant one, life-sized, really. And I could just erase all the stuff I didn’t like, and start over, and then I’d do it differently.
Is there a way to buy something like that?
A restart button maybe.
An eraser that helps fix bad decisions.
It wouldn’t need to erase all of it. Just a few things.
33
KAYLAN
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