Flashback

by Jill Shalvis

  Yeah, he was going to need another moment. He calculated a few multiplication problems in his head, and then went after her. She stood in his living room with her back to him, facing the large picture window that looked out on a darkening sky. She wore the T-shirt he’d lent her, which thanks to the show she’d given him a moment ago, he now knew she had nothing on beneath it. Her shoulders were ramrod straight, her hands at her sides.

  And he had no idea what she was thinking.

  “I wanted to spread Blake’s ashes into the ocean,” she said softly to the window. “Off the bluffs. He would have liked that.”

  He let out a low breath, knowing what was coming next, hating what was coming next.

  “Only there are no ashes.”

  The pain reverberated in her voice, and somehow bounced off his own chest, rolling over his heart. Dammit. He headed toward her.

  “All I can do is put a marker next to our parents’ graves.” Her voice wobbled at this, but she didn’t lose it, just stared out at the night. “He’s innocent, Aidan.”

  The Kenzie he’d known had always believed the best of everyone, to a fault. Seemed that hadn’t changed, only this time it was going to bite her on the ass.

  “And I would have thought you’d think so, too,” she said with more than a little accusation in her voice. She sighed, the sound soft and heart-breaking as it shuddered out of her.

  “Look,” he said. “Why don’t you go to bed and get some sleep. You’ll feel better if you do.”

  “I doubt that.” But she finally turned from the window. The last of the day’s light slanted in through the glass behind her, casting her in its soft glow, rendering the T-shirt just sheer enough to stop his heart.

  Not sure how much more of her glorious body he could take without dropping to his knees and begging for mercy, he stayed right where he was instead of getting any closer to her.

  Closer would be a mistake, especially with those hugely expressive eyes on his, and that look of grief all over her face.

  “Sleep won’t change anything that I’m feeling,” she whispered. “He’ll still be innocent.”

  “Kenzie, they found a scrapbook of all the fires in Blake’s house. He was keeping track of them.”

  “That doesn’t mean he’s guilty.”

  “What does it mean?”

  “Something else.” She hugged herself, looking miserable and alone, and hurting. “I wish we were friends,” she said very quietly. “I wish that you hadn’t hurt me, and that I didn’t have the urge to hurt you back.”

  Feeling bad, feeling a whole host of things he shouldn’t be feeling at all, he took her hand. “I’m sorry I hurt you back then. I’m sorry I let you go. But I was young and stupid, Kenz. I was a complete ass.”

  She lifted a shoulder, tacitly agreeing with him.

  “I’d like to think that if we were seeing each other now,” he said softly, “and one of us wanted out, that we’d do better. That we’d make the friendship work.”

  Another lift of her shoulder, with slightly less temper in it this time.

  Okay, that was something, a step at least. Pulling her toward him, he turned to lead her back to his bed, where he was going to tuck her in and then walk away.

  Be the good guy.

  Only she tugged him back, and suddenly he was holding onto her and she was pressing her face into his throat and breathing in deep, and…and hell. He was in trouble, sinking fast. “I showered at the station,” he murmured into her hair. “But I need another. I still smell like smoke, Kenz, and—”

  “Right.” Pulling free, she turned away. “Sorry.”

  And now she thought he didn’t want to hold her, when that was all he wanted. “Kenzie—”

  “No, you’re right. Absolutely right. Let’s not go there.” She smiled, and anyone who’d ever seen her smile for real would have recognized it as a first-class fake, but he didn’t dare say a word about it because he had the feeling she was barely hanging on.

  As was he.

  She turned away. “You’re right. Sleep might be best. But I’ll take the couch—”

  “No, don’t be ridiculous. I—”

  “Make no mistake, Aidan. I still want to hurt you. It’s immature and extremely juvenile of me, but it’s fact. So, no. I’m not sleeping in your bed.” She walked back to the couch.

  “Kenzie—”

  “Please,” she said, sinking down to the cushions and closing her eyes. “Could I have a blanket?”

  “Of course.” He went and got several, came back and spread them over her.

  She didn’t speak, or for that matter, move.

  “Call me if you need anything,” he finally said.

  She gave no response to that, either, and he nodded even though she wasn’t looking at him. “Okay then…night.” He paused, but she still didn’t say anything to release him from the strange torment he felt. In the end, he did as she seemed to want, and left her alone.

  A FEW MINUTES LATER, Kenzie heard the shower go on, and in spite of herself, pictured Aidan stripping off his clothes and climbing in.

  Soaping himself up…

  Standing there beneath the steamy hot water all naked.

  And unintentionally sexy.

  Behind her, from somewhere else in the house, a phone rang. A machine clicked on and she heard Aidan’s voice saying, “You know what to do at the beep.”

  Then came a “Hey, you” in a low, Marilyn Monroe–like purr. “It’s Lori. You didn’t call me back. I’ve been lonely for you, baby. Come over sometime soon, okay? I’ll be waiting…”

  Kenzie listened to the click as the machine went off and silence filled the house.

  Seemed Aidan was still the guy who left women feeling lonely for him. She should return the favor. She should go…somewhere.

  But as she listened to the shower running, she let out a long breath and admitted to herself—as silly as it seemed—there was something undeniably consoling about being here with him. She’d told him she trusted him a little, and that was as truthful as it was unsettling. Yes, she had nowhere else to go, but it was far more than that. At the moment, he was the only familiar, comforting presence in her life. At the moment, she wanted to be there, she really did, even knowing that the longer they spent together, the more they would grow closer, whether she liked it or not.

  Only, she was afraid she would like it. A lot more than was wise.

  AIDAN SURFACED from a deep, deep sleep, aware that something had woken him, but not sure what. He opened his eyes and saw his dark bedroom lit up in black and white by the faint glow of the moon slanting in through his horizontal blinds.

  There, by his bed, stood an angel.

  An angel in his T-shirt, in the same white swaths of moonlight as his room.

  She was hurting, sad, scared…and why the hell hadn’t he given her a suit of armor instead of just a T-shirt? Had he been looking for punishment? Because there it was, in flesh and blood and glorious curves and wild hair, and a face so hauntingly beautiful she took his breath. He was in trouble, deep trouble, because although he’d managed to resist opening his heart to her that first time, he wasn’t quite sure he would be able to manage it this time.

  Without a single word, she lifted his covers and scooted into the bed.

  With him.

  He was exhausted, beyond exhausted, and was afraid he didn’t have the self-control to deal with this. “Jesus,” he gasped as she pressed her icy feet to his.

  “Sorry.”

  But she didn’t pull them back. Nope, she tucked them beneath his, sucking the warmth out of him.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” she whispered.

  He had no idea what she was talking about. There was no way she could clearly see his expression, she couldn’t see any more than he could in the strips of moonlight. He could see her eyes, not her nose. He could see her mouth, not her chin…

  “I’m not sleepwalking, or pain-pill walking.” She pressed a little closer, so that her legs entangled i
n his.

  Now would probably be as good a time as any to remind her that he slept naked, but as he opened his mouth, she spoke first.

  “And I’m not here for another broken heart like I got the last time.” She poked a finger into his chest. “In fact, if anyone’s going to have a broken heart this time, it’s going to be you. So you can just wipe that look of pity off your face.”

  “Pity is the last thing I’ve got going on,” he assured her. He lay there achingly close, freezing his ass off thanks to her feet. “So you’re going to break my heart?”

  “Going to do my damnedest.”

  “I never meant to break yours.”

  “At least let me think I’m getting my revenge, okay?”

  Her toes were killing him. So were her legs, the ones all caught up in his. And somehow he had a thigh between hers…

  She propped her head up with her good hand, staring at him in the oddly lit room. Now he could see her forehead and her nose, but not her eyes or her mouth.

  “It really is going to be you nursing the heart this time,” she whispered.

  That could very well be. But honestly, he wasn’t sure his bruised heart functioned enough to break. Hell, it was probably dried up from misuse. And yet…and yet lying there with her in his arms seemed to jump-start the organ. It ached, and not just because of their past, it ached for the here and now, for the woman she’d become.

  “You,” she repeated softly, even a little smugly, and for some reason, some sick reason, it was a turn-on.

  And because he was weak and maybe just a little bit stupid, he put his hand on her hip and leaned in to see her better, which he couldn’t. She was still in slatted black and white. “I meant what I said, Kenz. I’m sorry you got hurt.”

  “Good. I want you sorry. Very, very sorry.”

  Yes, but did she want him aroused? Because he was. Her T-shirt had risen up enough to remind him she wasn’t wearing panties.

  Yeah, colossally stupid.

  By now it had to be crystal clear to her that he was butt-ass naked. In the name of fair warning, he pulled her in a little closer.

  “What are you doing?”

  What was he doing? No idea. Bending his head, he rubbed his jaw to hers, bumped the tip of his nose to her earlobe.

  With a shiver, she clutched at him and arched her neck, giving him better access.

  Which he took.

  “I can’t remember what I was saying,” she murmured.

  He let out a breath in her ear and she shivered again, which he liked. He liked that a lot. “You were telling me how you’re going to break my heart.”

  “That’s right.” Her fingers dug into the small of his back as she moved, the black and white shadows shifting over her. “I am. Aidan?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re naked.”

  He’d been wondering when that would come up. Seeing as he was already quite “up”…

  She gulped, and then did something he didn’t expect. She rolled to her back and pulled him on top of her, allowing him to settle between her thighs, which were not cold like her feet, but warm and cushy and very, very welcoming.

  “You should know,” she whispered in his ear, making sure her lips brushed his flesh, causing a series of shivers of his own. “I plan to make you beg for mercy this time.”

  God. “I’m close to begging right now,” he admitted.

  “Really?”

  She sounded breathless as hell, which was another big turn-on. So many…“Really.”

  He was hard. She was soft, so soft, and pressing all that softness up against him. “If you’re not sleepwalking, or having a bad dream,” he wondered, “why are you in here?”

  “No hotels, remember?”

  “Why are you in bed with me?” he clarified.

  Her hands glided up and down his back, going lower on each pass. “My feet were cold.”

  He pressed his feet to hers, and then his mouth to her throat. “Is that all?”

  “Absolutely. That and the begging.”

  He let out a huff of low laughter against her skin, and then because his mouth was right there against her neck, and because she was touching his butt, and because she smelled good, he took a little nibble.

  Her fingers dug into him, telling him how much she liked it but she shook her head. “No more touching until you beg.”

  “I wasn’t touching, I was kissing.”

  “No kissing until you beg. No anything until you beg.”

  “I’ve never begged for this before.”

  “No? Well, it’s good for your character to try new things.”

  He laughed again. Laughed while trying to get laid. That was new. “Okay.” Lifting his head, he cupped her face between his hands and looked into her eyes. She was smiling, too, and it was good to see her doing so. It was good to see her period; his smile slowly faded. “Can I kiss you, Kenzie?”

  “Is that the best you got?”

  “Can I pretty-please kiss you?”

  “Well, I suppose…”

  That was all he let her get out before he lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her. She let out a little murmur of surprise and what he sincerely hoped was pleasure, because holy shit, it was like taking a time machine back in time, back to that sweet, hot, most amazing summer he’d once spent in her arms.

  She made the sound again, the one that drove him crazy with wanting, and then she entwined her arms up around his neck, gliding her fingers into his short hair and tightening them, as if she didn’t want him going anywhere.

  Fat chance.

  When he slid his tongue to hers, it was another homecoming, and this time her shuddery sigh was pure, hungry delight with a sprinkle of unadulterated lust on top.

  Oh, yeah. Pulling back just enough to look into her eyes, he found the same sense of bewildered wonderment across her face that he imagined was across his. Because, yes, they were attracted to each other because of their past, but suddenly it was much, much more than that. Then the next thing he knew, they’d lunged for each other again, trying to climb into each other’s body, just like old times.

  Only it was new, all so damn new, and all the more heart-wrenching and gripping for it. They were no longer young and stupid. They were old enough to know better, old enough to know exactly what they were doing, old enough that he knew that this time, there would be no escaping unscathed.

  It didn’t stop him.

  7

  OH. MY. GOD.

  Kenzie struggled to think, but Aidan had taken her breath away And, as he surged up to his knees between her spread thighs, his hands fisted in the hem of his own shirt, his intention perfectly clear, he nearly stole her sanity—but she held on by a thread. “Wait,” she gasped, putting a hand to his chest. “Hold it.”

  Still kneeling between her sprawled legs, his hands on the big T-shirt, about to strip her as naked as he was, he looked into her eyes. “Wait?”

  She could have drowned in his gaze. Happily drowned. “You stopped begging.”

  He arched an eyebrow, which was highlighted by the slants of moonlight across his face. Stripes of light and dark, and in them, he was beautiful. “I mean it,” she managed. “Absolutely nothing else happens here without some serious begging.”

  He stared at her, then lowered his head for a moment. When he lifted it again, she expected him to tell her he never begged for anything. That this—she—wasn’t worth it. After all, she hadn’t been once.

  But he surprised her. “When we were together,” he said quietly, “I dreamed about your body on the nights we didn’t sleep in the same bed. Did you know that?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “You never said.” He’d never said a lot of things. He’d held back so much.

  And to be honest, so did I….

  “I’d get off on it,” he said, not holding back this time. Which did exactly what she hadn’t wanted—it opened her heart to him.

  “On you,” he murmured. “For years afterward, I’d get off thinking ab
out you.”

  She stared up at him. “You mean you…”

  “Uh-huh. I jerked off.” Leaning over her, he was nothing but a shadow until he bent even closer. Through the shutters, rectangles of light slashed over him as he let her look into his eyes, which were dark and scorching. “So much I’m lucky I’m not blind.”

  She laughed but also swallowed hard, surprisingly aroused at the thought of his touching himself while picturing her. “Oh.”

  “Yeah, oh.” His eyes glittered with heat and memories and suddenly both the heat and memories were making her feel awfully warm from the inside out.

  Actually, they were making her hot.

  Very hot.

  “Tonight, just looking at you…” He let out a long breath and shook his head. “It brings it all back, but it’s even stronger.”

  His mouth was in the shadows. She couldn’t see his lips moving but his voice washed over her, as did the images he evoked. He was bringing it all back for her, too.

  “You were beautiful then,” he said. “But you’re even more beautiful now. I want to take this shirt off of you, Kenz. Please let me.”

  At his words, she nearly turned the tables and begged him. She could feel the T-shirt caught high on her thighs. His hips were holding her legs open to him, and with just a little nudge of the shirt, he’d be able to see all her god-given goodies, along with the fact that she was already wet.

  “Please,” he murmured. “Please let me.”

  Oh, God. “Yes.”

  He shifted, and then she could see his mouth, which rewarded her with a smile as he made his move, his fingers closing around the hem of the shirt, slowly tugging it up, revealing her body.

  She’d wanted this, sought it out under the guise of getting her long-needed revenge, but that was really just a lie, and her first flicker of doubt hit.

  Just who was going to get hurt here…?

  The night air brushed over her breasts as he pulled the shirt all the way off and over her head. Her nipples hardened. Goose bumps spread over her flesh, and it wasn’t because she was cold. There were five stripes of moonlight across her body, one across her eyes, her throat, another highlighting her breasts, her belly and her crotch. He couldn’t have lined her up more perfectly for his perusal, and he definitely perused.