Conflicted
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reciprocity, 90–1; conversation beginnings, 90–1, 92–3, 97, 104; emotional reciprocity, 214–15, 216–17, 253; ‘wrong’ kind of, 97
Reddit, 207; Change My View (CMV), 199–206, 264n12; see also social media
reframing, in persuasive argument, 205
relationship conflict (in the workplace), vs task conflict, 40, 75
R.E.M., 74–5
research studies: brainstorming vs debate and criticism, 81–2; communication in marriage and romantic relationships, 24–6, 31–2, 334, 35–6, 90, 130, 214; corporate culture, 37–8, 42, 43–4; emotional dynamics of conversations, 186–9, 188; empathic accuracy, 27–8; errors and apologies, 173–6, 178–81; escalation, 213, 214–15; fairness and cultural differences, 152–3; group decision-making, 53–5, 56–8; humiliation, 138; interrogation, 108–10, 173–5; knowledge illusion, 61; Motivational Interviewing (MI), 113; negotiation, 173–5, 215; persuasive argument (in Change My View), 205–6; physiological responses, 41, 214; political discourse, 154, 165–6, 265n12; scientific curiosity, 165–6; social media, 131, 205–6, 207, 265n12; therapist effectiveness and self-doubt, 122; vaccination choices, 134–5; WEIRD vs holistic mindsets, 154; Wikipedia edits, 56–8, 63
Richards, Keith, Life, 73
‘righting’ reflex and behaviour: in addiction counselling, 110–11, 114; ‘backfire effect’, 169–70, 205, 243, 253; emotional response to, 115, 170; for emotions, 116, 254; in parents, 114–15; resisting, 116–17, 118–23, 169–70, 256; ubiquity of, 114
Rød-Larsen, Terje, 184; Oslo Accord negotiations, 184–6, 192–4, 195–7, 264n11
Rogers, Carl, 27
Rogers, J. T., Oslo, 264ml
Rolling Stones, 73–4
Rollnick, Jake, 224–5
Rollnick, Stephen, 110–13
Rozenblit, Leonid, 61
rudeness: acceptable, 80–1; and cultural differences, 145; as deliberate disruption (Martin Luther), 235; in online communication, 202; see also civility and politeness
rules see constraints and rules
rules of productive argument (summarised), 250–1
Russell, Bertrand, 231, 265n15
Russell, Michelle, 31–2, 33, 212
sadness, and cognition, 261n1
Schneider, Steve, 141, 143, 151, 159
Schroeder, Kathryn, 155–7
scientific curiosity, 165–6
scientific method and advances: benefits of constructive conflict, 71–3, 80–1; and division of cognitive labour, 64–5; impact of confirmation bias, 64, 65–8; see also thinking and reasoning
self, sense of see identity and sense of self
shared information bias, 52
Shenk, Joshua Wolf, Powers of Two, 262n4
siege negotiations, Mount Carmel (USA), 141–3, 146–8, 151–2, 155–61, 225–6, 264n8
Sillars, Alan, 30, 33, 35, 90, 130, 215, 216, 262n2
Smith, Lloyd, 210–13, 223–4; see also Barnet, Frank (interrogation role play)
Smith, Nathan, 43
‘soapboxing’, 201, 205
Sobo, Elisa, 134–5
social media: ‘listening’ in, 201–2; negativity and aggression, 9–10, 15–17, 202; research studies, 131, 205–6, 207, 265n12; rules, 200–3, 207–8; status imbalance, 131–2; tone, 202–3; see also Facebook; online communication; Posterous (microblogging platform); Reddit; Twitter
Socrates, 46–9, 244
Southwest Airlines, 37, 38–9, 43–4
Sperber, Dan, 59, 60, 62
Spratt, George, 70, 71–2 ‘start where they’re at’, 97–8; see also empathy
starts of conversations see beginnings of conversations
stateful vs stateless conversations, 189–90
status imbalance (‘one-down’ parties), 128–32, 137, 175, 182; see also power imbalances and struggles
Stokoe, Elizabeth, Talk: The Science of Conversation, 263n5
storytelling, in persuasive argument, 205
sugar consumption, vs fat consumption (and confirmation bias), 65–8
suicide negotiations, 172
surprise, usefulness of, 166, 170, 191, 194–5, 198
Tabor, James, 158–9
Talhelm, Thomas, 154
Tan, Garry, 18, 19, 21
task conflict, vs relationship conflict, 40 75
Taylor, Charles, 72
Taylor, Paul, 128, 172, 264n10
teasing, 79; see also humour, effective use of
teenagers see adolescents Terreblanche, Eugene, 124–5
terrorists: interrogation, 105–10; negotiation, 127
Tesser, Abraham, 21
therapy see counselling and therapy
thinking and reasoning: brainstorming, 81; confirmation bias, 58–9, 62–4, 65–8, 262n3; human evolution for, 5960; philosophers’ approaches, 46–51; thinking about thinking, 46; through debate, 46, 60–1, 71–3, 81–2; through solitary introspection, 46, 50–1, 61; for truth-seeking vs arguing ability, 58–61; see also cognition; scientific method and advances
Thompson, George, 252; Verbal Judo, 266n17
threat states, vs challenge states, 40–2
Tiedens, Larissa, 180–1
tolerance threshold for conflict, 76, 77
tone, 202–3
toolkit of productive argument, 252–7
Trevors, Gregory, 169–70
tribalism, 57–8
triggers (for anger), 218–19
trust: during addiction counselling, iii; erosion through passive aggression, 45; in high- vs low-context communication culture, 12; importance of, 55, 73, 82; during negotiation, 193
truth-seeking, 255
Turnbull, Kal, 199–202, 203–4, 264n12; see also Change My View (CMV)
Twitter: arguments on, 206; effect of increased tweet length, 265n12; giving face, 206; moralising and emotional language, 16; status imbalance, 131–2; as ‘yelling’ (Susan Bro), 104; see also social media
Uber, 178–80
Vakhrusheva, Julia, 119–20, 122
Viljoen, General Constand, 125–6, 129, 132–4, 138, 139–40
Waco (USA) see Mount Carmel (USA) and Branch Davidians
Wagner, Emma, 121–2, 263n6
Wampanoag tribe, 236–7, 238
Watson, James, 80–1, 262n4
Watters, Ethan, 264n8
Watts, Charlie, 73–4
WEIRD (Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich and Democratic) mindset, 153–4
Wender, Jonathan, 96, 137, 227–8; Policing and the Poetics of Everyday Life, 227
Whipps, Judy, 266n16
Wikipedia edits (research study), 56–8, 63
Wilkins, Maurice, 80
Williams, Roger, 236–41, 265n15; The Bloudy Tenent of Persecution for Cause of Conscience, 240
Wilson, Alfred, 87–9, 99–102, 226
Witkowski, Sadie, 263n6
Women’s International Peace Network (WIPN), 195
workplace: avoiding conflict, 18–19, 36–7; benefits of constructive conflict, 19–20, 21, 22, 39, 42–4, 234, 247; corporate culture, 37–9, 42–4, 136, 234, 253–4, 254–5; passive aggression, 37, 39–40; protecting face, 136; research studies, 37–8, 42, 43–4; task vs relationship conflict, 40
Wright, Bob, 93–4
Wright, Wilbur and Orville, 70–3, 262n4
Wright Miller, Ivonette, 72–3
‘wrongness’, stigma of, 203–4; see also protecting face
Yardbirds, 76
‘you’, avoiding use of, 254
Yudkin, John, 65–8; Pure, White and Deadly, 66–7
Zanes, Warren, 74
Zartman, William, 138
About the Author
IAN LESLIE is the author of two acclaimed books on human behavior: Born Liars: Why We Can’t Live Without Deceit and Curious: The Desire to Know and Why Your Future Depends On It. He is a regular contributor to the New Statesman, the Economist’s 1843 magazine, the Guardian, and the Financial Times. He lives in London with his wife and two children.
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Also by Ian Leslie
Curious: The Desire to Know and Why Your Future Depends On It
Born Liars: Why We Can’t Live Without Deceit
Copyright
CONFLICTED. Copyright © 2021 by Ian Leslie. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Cover design by Andrea Guinn
Originally published as Conflicted: Why Arguments Are Tearing Us Apart and How They Can Bring Us Together in the United Kingdom in 2021 by Faber & Faber Limited.
FIRST U.S. EDITION
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Leslie, Ian, 1972- author.
Title: Conflicted : how productive disagreements lead to better outcomes / Ian Leslie.
Description: First U.S. edition. | New York, NY : Harper Business, an Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers, [2021] | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020047040 (print) | LCCN 2020047041 (ebook) | ISBN 9780062878564 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780062878595 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Conflict management. | Interpersonal conflict. | Communication.
Classification: LCC HM1126 .L443 2021 (print) | LCC HM1126 (ebook) | DDC 303.6/9—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020047040
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020047041
Digital Edition FEBRUARY 2021 ISBN: 978-0-06-287859-5
Version 01092021
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-287856-4
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