Bound in Blue

by Jessica Ingro

  Kara dabbed her eyes with a lace handkerchief as Jacob spoke. She let out a delicate sniffle and then proceeded to speak her vows. “All my walls crumbled the day I met you. It took us a long time to get to where we are, but that has only made it more special now that we are here. I know that as long as you’re by my side, we can weather any storm life may throw at us. I’ve called you a lot of things over the years.” Everyone chuckled at that, especially given the cheeky grin she gave us all. “Friend, boyfriend, fiancé. And I look forward to calling you my husband and hopefully one day soon the father of my children. Thank you for loving me the way I need and for being the man you are. I’ll cherish you forever and will never take you for granted. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” Jacob murmured and pressed kisses to Kara’s knuckles.

  “By the power invested in me by the state of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

  “Finally.” Jacob grabbed Kara, pulling her close and laid a completely inappropriate kiss on her. I started the catcalls and hollers when I put my two fingers in my mouth and whistled.

  Eventually they broke apart and the entire crowd of two dozen people descended on the happy couple.

  Finally getting my chance to wish them well, I gave Kara a tight hug and kiss on the cheek. “You sure you want to stay married to this guy?” I hooked my thumb over my shoulder at Jacob. “Because if you don’t, I’d love for you to run away with me.”

  She slapped my arm, but smiled a wide, blinding smile. “I think I’ll stick with him a little longer.”

  “Suit yourself.” I shrugged and winked at her.

  “Mack, I want to introduce you to my in-laws,” Jacob said when I turned to congratulate him. “Bill and Maggie Andrews, this is my partner Mack.”

  “Pleasure to meet you,” I said as they introduced themselves.

  After a moment, I excused myself to allow other people their chance to congratulate them.

  “Want a beer?” Jacob’s brother in law, John, asked me when I reached the opening to the dining room.

  “Would love one. Thank you,” I answered as he handed me a bottle from one of the ice buckets set up along the kitchen divider.

  “Young love,” John said shaking his head. “Doesn’t stay that way forever.”

  I felt uncomfortable having this conversation with him. For me, all I had was young love. I wouldn’t know. Instead, I made a noncommittal sound and downed a gulp of my beer.

  “Looks like Lexi has eyes for you,” he commented after several minutes of silence.

  “I guess,” I shrugged not really sure where he was going with this.

  “She’s a cute girl. I’ve known her since she was twelve years old. Not sure how true this is, but from what I gather she’s all about a good time. Nothing more.”

  “Oh yeah?” I raised my brows at a loss for what to say next and intrigued by his train of thought.

  “Yeah. Just thought you’d want to know,” he replied with a smirk on his face. “I’ll catch you around.”

  “Yeah… see you,” I said to his retreating back. My eyes shifted over the room and landed on Lexi, who was in fact eyeing me like I was her last meal. In that moment, I considered letting her feast on me. It’s not like I had anything to lose anymore.

  * * *

  A few hours later, Lexi cornered me outside the bathroom downstairs. I’d like to say I put up a fight when she pushed me back in the room and kissed me, but I won’t lie to you. Her efforts were a noble attempt in helping me forget Megan, but unfortunately not completely successful.

  Looking down my body at her with her lips wrapped around my cock, all I could see was Megan’s brown eyes instead of Lexi’s purple ones. When she ran her hands up my thighs and around my ass to press me further in her mouth, all I felt were Megan’s petite hands. When I plowed into her from behind, all my dick wanted was Megan’s wet heat wrapped around it. And when I came, I sighed knowing that I was spilling into a condom instead of deep inside Megan.

  It was anything but fair to the poor girl. I had always prided myself on being better than that. Always being upfront with women about the fact that I was using their body for a few hours, but nothing more. I hadn’t even bothered with Lexi. I just took without thought. At least I know she got off too. I hadn’t even been focused on her pleasure at all.

  The cleanup was uncomfortable. I was unsure what to say since I felt so out of sorts. She awkwardly hugged me and squeezed my hand at the top of the stairs before joining the crowd of people in the living room.

  I banged my head against the wall for a brief moment, grabbed a beer and took a seat on the darkened, enclosed back porch off the kitchen. That’s where Jacob found me. Sitting in the near dark, with nothing but soft twinkling lights around me, wallowing in my own self-pity.

  “What’s up, man?” He asked as he pulled a chair out from the table and sat with his elbows on his knees.

  “Nothing. You should be inside enjoying your lovely bride.” I motioned with my head towards the door where you could see Kara in her lovely white gown. Her smile was still radiant and her laughter filled the air as she conversed with her now sister-in-law.

  “She’s something else isn’t she?” Jacob had followed my line of sight and was staring at her like a lost puppy dog. Lucky fucker.

  “She is,” I agreed around the lump in my throat. It wasn’t that I was jealous of him and his happiness. It was just that I remembered what it was like to need someone as much as the air you breathed. I remembered how it felt to touch that person and know that you were one with their soul. And I remembered how damn fucking much it hurt when they were ripped from you. That was something I never wished on anybody. Especially Jacob and Kara.

  “So, what’s her name?” He asked.

  I turned confused eyes to him, not quite following his line of thought. “I should hope you know the name of the woman you just married.”

  He shook his head and a smile played at the edges of his mouth. “Not Kara, jackass. The woman who has you out here sulking like a damn two year old. You’ve been acting off for weeks now. Only a woman could do that. What gives?”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Bullshit.”

  I let out a low chuckle at that. Jacob was nothing if not perceptive. He knew me as well as he knew himself. Well, the me that I let him see anyway. It was the kind of trust that only a partner who had your back day in and day out could have. “Fine. There was a woman.” I stressed. “It doesn’t matter anyway.”

  “Come on,” he cajoled me. “You’ll feel better if you get that shit off your chest. I’ve opened up to you about lots of shit with Kara. I couldn’t have made it through last year without you. I’m here for you the same way, you know.”

  “She torments me,” I finally admitted after several long minutes of silence. “The way she laughs. The way she fights. But most of all her fucking mind.”

  “Sounds interesting.” I didn’t need to look from my view of the snow outside to know he was getting psyched up for more information. He could be such a girl with this shit sometimes. It amazed me how much his bride changed him.

  I remembered my bride doing the same thing when we met all those years ago. I shook my head to stop the thoughts of Ella overpowering the thoughts of Megan. That seemed to be the issue at the root of all my problems with Megan. My memories of Ella overshadowed everything else.

  “I’ve got nothing to give her. You know that.” I emphasized. Jacob was the only one besides the Captain that knew anything about my past.

  “I think that’s where you’re wrong. Have you even really tried?” He asked. There was nothing malicious about the way he said it, so I couldn’t even get mad at the fact that he was calling me on my bullshit.

  “You don’t understand,” I said hoping he would leave it alone. I really didn’t want to discuss this. I just wanted to finish my drink and then head back to my hotel room across town. Alone.

  “Maybe you should exp
lain it to me.”

  “That kind of all-encompassing need to be with someone. To be a part of someone. Even if I could give her that—which I can’t—,” I added just to make it clear. “Is not something I would ever want to be a part of again. I know what it’s like when it ends. I know how hollow you feel afterward. I would never do that to her. Never.”

  My declaration was resolute. I refused to put Megan through anything like what I went through when I lost Ella. And if I was being honest, I didn’t want to ever put myself in that situation again. Living the last nineteen years lost and lonely were tormenting enough.

  “How do you know it will come to that? Life has ups and downs. Sometimes shit happens and it fucking sucks, but you can’t let that dictate your future. What if you two make it? What if you’re able to spend the next sixty years together and you let some stupid notion keep you from experiencing that? You can’t live your life dictated by fears.”

  I had no answer for him. There was no guarantee for what-ifs. Megan was better off without me. Even if I had it in me to give her what she deserved, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. She deserved so much more.

  Eventually Jacob took my continued silence to be what I wanted it to be—the end of the conversation. His hand patted my shoulder in consolation and he left the room.

  It was several minutes later that I engulfed Kara in a hug, kissed her cheek and made my exit.

  Alone again.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Megan

  Ever wish you could go back in time and stop yourself from making a decision? Just one little decision that changed your fate and made you look at the world a little differently? Stand next to your past self and whisper in your ear, “Don’t do it!”? Unfortunately, I knew that regret all too well. It was on a constant loop in my brain and most days it was all I thought about.

  Sometimes I wished I could go back and change the first time I laid eyes on Mack. Stop myself from ever saying yes to his proposition and undoing the unbearable amount of heartache I experienced with this last and final falling out of ours. The other part of my brain reminded me though that if that was the case, I never would have had the great memories that I did, and I wouldn’t have realized some very important things about myself. Like the fact that I could indeed open myself up to someone. Or the fact that there was another level of physical satisfaction that existed. That I wasn’t a freak who needed sex all day, every day, but rather needed a man who knew how to fulfill my needs instead of just his own.

  Most times though I wished I could go back to that day in the precinct and take back walking away from him. Turning my back on Mack was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Something strong was binding us together, so much strong that even with the last month apart, I could still feel that intimate connection with him. I missed him like I had never missed anyone before. He had become a part of me, and now it felt like I had holes where he used to be. It was painful enough missing my twin sister; I hated missing him too, especially when he was still very much around for me to see.

  Please come out with us.

  I read Kara’s text message and put my phone back on the table. There was no way in hell I was torturing myself by spending the night at Murphy’s while Jacob and Kara were all over each other, exhibiting just how nauseatingly perfectly in love two newlyweds could be. And definitely not while Mack found someone else to kiss at midnight.

  Maybe he’ll kiss you. Maybe he’s hoping you’ll be there.

  I longed to be able to shut off my brain when it had thoughts like that. It had been tormenting me with the possibility of a reconciliation with Mack every time I considered going to the bar.

  It was definitely for the best that I didn’t go. I just wasn’t strong enough to face him. My heart tore out of my chest the day I walked away from him. Knowing that it was a losing battle to make him care about me the way I wanted him to was devastating. He was an island, closed off from everyone around him. He might let people near him, but he stood alone and was perfectly content in doing so. Nothing I said or did was going to change that.

  Reminding myself that if I did go out I would need a chaperone to protect me was a good enough reason to squelch any lingering doubts about whether or not I should go.

  My parents were in Bora Bora, ringing in the New Year. I was sure a call would come around midnight, which looking at the clock was only two hours away. How pathetic that I was sitting here alone.

  The rumble of my stomach had me walking downstairs, digging through a takeout drawer in the kitchen and ordering Chinese food for delivery. It was probably too much for one person but if I was going to wallow in my misery, I might as well do it right.

  When the food was delivered thirty minutes later, I locked up the first floor and turned off the lights before heading up to the den on the second floor. With the containers spread out on the coffee table, I popped Bridesmaids in and sat back on the couch to watch the movie. I needed to laugh and my selection never failed to have me doubled over in tears.

  The movie was close to being done when my phone rang. I picked it up and smiled when I saw it was my mom.

  “Happy New Years,” I answered with false brightness in my voice.

  “Happy New Years,” she and my dad simultaneously screamed in the phone.

  “Are you guys having fun?” I asked wanting to prolong my human contact as long as I could.

  “Yes. Wonderful weather. What did you decide to do tonight?” My mother asked after shuffling my father off the phone.

  I truly did not want them to know how far I had sunk. They had enough worries about me being a loner and not socializing enough. If they knew I spent New Year’s Eve alone, they might stage an intervention and I so did not need that.

  “I had to work late and I wasn’t feeling too good, so I decided to stay in instead of meeting some friends in the city,” I quasi-lied to her.

  “Oh, sweetie. What’s wrong?”

  “Just that time of the month. You know how tired I get. It’s no big deal.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes. As a matter of fact, I’m going to head to bed now that I’ve talked to you. It really was a long day.”

  “You’d tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?” How did moms always know when something was bothering their children? I would never understand.

  “Promise. Go have fun and kiss Daddy for me.”

  “I will. Love you, sweetie.”

  “Love you too, Mom.”

  Feeling deflated after hanging up the phone, I opted to go to sleep instead of finishing the movie. I turned all the lights off and climbed the stairs to the third floor. Alone… again.

  * * *

  Mack

  Three… two… one.

  I made my way out the door of Murphy’s just as the countdown finished. My heart was heavy with disappointment and regret. I really thought Megan would have come out tonight after Kara mentioned she had invited her. I had even discretely suggested that Kara should try her again a few hours ago when it appeared that she wasn’t going to show. Still nothing.

  I should have known better than to get my hopes up.

  The streets were lined with people spilling out of bars, acting drunk and celebratory. The cold air wasn’t even affecting them as they danced and laughed on the way to cabs or stood outside smoking cigarettes.

  Completely sober myself, I folded into my truck and cranked the heat up when the engine started. Rubbing my hands together after my body succumbed to the body racking shiver that had been threatening since I left the bar, my thoughts turned back to Megan. Why hadn’t she come out tonight? Was she afraid she would have to see me? God, I hoped not.

  I missed her smile. I missed her wit. Actually, I plain old missed everything about her.

  I put the truck in drive and navigated the slightly slick roads. Intent on going home, I was surprised when I found myself turning onto Megan’s street. Although I shouldn’t have been shocked, seeing as how my mind was constantly
consumed with thoughts of her.

  When I pulled up to the curb in front of her house, it was completely dark. My hopes plummeted knowing she probably wasn’t home. Yet again, I wouldn’t be seeing her.

  My thoughts turned as dark as her house knowing she may be out with another man tonight. I pounded the steering wheel in frustration. This isn’t what I wanted damn it. I wanted to see her, to touch her, to taste her. She belonged with me—not some pretty boy doctor like the guy from the hospital that day. Her body belonged to me. Her pleasure was mine alone.

  Not anymore, I remind myself.

  I had no one to blame for the emptiness and unsettledness inside me but myself. It was my fault she was probably in the arms of another man.

  Putting the truck in drive, I pulled away from the curb and headed home. Happy fucking New Years.

  * * *

  Megan

  “We got him,” John said into the phone. The smile was evident in his voice.

  “Ted?”

  “Yes, Tweedledum. He’s down in lockup right now awaiting arraignment.” Relief washed over me at his words, and my knees buckled. I had to rest my hand on the countertop to hold myself up.

  “How? Where?” I couldn’t make sense of this. I was just so damn elated and stunned, that my brain couldn’t put full sentences together.

  “He made the mistake of contacting his brother last night, who called us. We had him set up a meet point and we took him down.”

  “I can live again,” I whispered. Then louder, I said, “Thank you. I really needed the good news right now.”

  “I don’t think he’ll make bail, but I’ll keep you updated.”