“Does… Does Mack know?”
He hesitated before answering. “Yeah. He was there with us.”
Silence.
“You okay?”
“Just relieved.” And crushed that Mack hadn’t called to tell me himself. Another weight settled on my chest knowing that he really was through with me. “Want to come over later and celebrate?”
“I’m not sure when I’ll be out of here, but I’ll give you a call.” John sounded distracted so I decided it was best to let him go.
My mind began racing with the different things I could do now that I was free to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
“Sounds good. Thanks again, John. For everything. I’m really glad you were here. I wouldn’t have gotten through the last few months without you.”
“Anything for you,” he said in a low voice. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Later.”
I hung up the phone and proceeded to happy dance all over the house.
* * *
“Spank me,” I begged.
A grunt echoed in my ear, and a hand landed on the bare skin of my left ass cheek. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but it was close enough. My stomach tightened and warmth spread throughout my body, radiating from my core.
“Harder,” I demanded.
“Fuck. I can’t fuck you any harder, Megan.”
I fought the roll of my eyes. If that were true, then it was slightly pathetic.
“Spank me harder, Dean. Make me come.”
My pussy contracted at the next hard swat, and his garbled words made me smile. “Ungh…. Fu… Mmmm… Ungh…”
I dipped my fingers into my wet folds and ran them over our connection and up to my clit. Rhythmically rubbing the bundle of nerves had me primed to tip over the edge into bliss. I desperately needed the release; I just wish I didn’t have to practically get myself there for it.
“Harder,” I reminded him breathlessly as the muscles in my body started to seize with my impending orgasm. Understanding what I wanted this time, his hand landed harshly in the same spot that was already smarting from his abuse and the flood gates of my release opened.
“Sweet Jesus,” Dean shouted and collapsed on me as his dick twitched with his release inside me.
Now that my body was pliant and sated, his sweaty chest on my back made me feel gross. Instead of basking in the glow of a decent orgasm—and it was only decent, nowhere near as explosive as the ones I had with Mack—I was growing more and more mortified at my poor decisions.
What was I doing here? I silently cursed myself for giving in to the temptation and thoughts that my body was tormenting me with. Wanting to celebrate my freedom from Ted Yates, I let the needy ache between my legs, and my broken heart lead me to Dean’s condo, just like I had sworn I wouldn’t do again.
His lips began trailing over my bare skin and his hands skirted down my sides, making me cringe. This wasn’t me anymore. The empty sex, the loneliness afterward, the search for fulfillment wherever I could get it.
“Stop.” When he didn’t readily stop, I repeated myself right and started squirming underneath him to free my body. Once his bodyweight was off me enough, I slipped out from under him and went in search of my clothes.
“What’s happening here?” Dean asked. I turned to see him on his side in the bed, gloriously naked. He wasn’t as nice to look at as Mack, but he was far from shabby. His face, however, was a mixture of irritation and confusion.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
He shook his head, and his brows furrowed. “You just asked me to spank you right before you came around my dick. Now you’re saying you can’t do this anymore?” The incredulity in his voice could not be missed.
“I’m sorry.” I was shit at this part. Hadn’t I already said that before? I was so not good at the after stuff. Just another thing I missed about Mack. I didn’t need to be good at it with him since he controlled everything about the situation, and I never wanted to leave him afterward.
“Sorry? Wow. I’m so glad you’re sorry, Megan. Maybe you could try explaining it to me.” The sarcasm in his words made me wince.
“I don’t know how to. I just know that I can’t have sex with you anymore.” My face warmed with my embarrassment. This was not at all how I envisioned this playing out. I figured we’d have sex, I’d be somewhat satisfied and then we’d go our separate ways like we always used to.
“That is bullshit and you know it.” He raised up to a sitting position on the end of the bed, pulling the sheets over himself to conceal his nakedness.
“I’m in love with someone else.” I squeezed my eyes shut and admitted the awful truth to him. I definitely wasn’t going to elaborate any further on the subject. When Dean said nothing, I cracked one eye open and chanced a glance. He was looking down at the floor and not at me, so I opened the other eye and took a hesitant step towards him. “Dean?”
“Then why aren’t you with him? Why did you come here?” His voice was deceptively calm. I could see the tenseness of his muscles from where I stood. When his eyes met mine, I sucked in a breath at the betrayal swimming in his.
“It’s complicated. We aren’t together anymore. I thought…” Could I really admit to using Dean to get over Mack? To Dean nonetheless?
“So you used me?” He correctly read my troubling thoughts.
“I’m sorry,” I said, yet again, instead of just agreeing with him.
“Megan, you should know I like you. I want a chance with you. I’ve only been adhering to your strict rules to keep it just about sex because I’ll take whatever you can give me.”
“Please don’t do this,” I told him. This was bad. So very, very bad. I never wanted to hurt Dean. I just wanted to find my balance instead of feeling like I was floating adrift.
“I’ll take your scraps, Megan. Is that what you want to hear?” His voice raised, and his eyes were seeking something in mine. I felt like the biggest piece of shit in that moment—knowing I was hurting him; wanting to tell him what he wanted to hear, but being unable to lie to him. Just like Mack must have felt with me. The thought was enough to knock me back a step.
“You deserve so much more than that. I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying you’re sorry. If you’re really sorry, you won’t leave. Don’t leave.”
“I have to.” I shook my head from side to side and quickly finished getting dressed, all the while I could feel his eyes burning through me. My stomach roiled with how stupid I was. Tears filled my eyes when I stopped in front of him. I cupped his cheek and said, “I really hope we can be friends someday.”
“Right.” He sounded so defeated and refused to meet my eyes.
Cutting my losses, I hurried through his condo and out the front door. Once out in the hallway, I pressed myself against the wall. Could things get any worse?
Chapter Eighteen
I looked down at my buzzing phone on the countertop next to the stove. The display showed the most unlikely caller. Without hesitation, I picked it up quickly and swiped my finger across the screen.
“Hello,” I answered with my heart thudding loudly.
There was brief silence, followed by a throat clearing before he finally spoke, “It’s me… Mack.” His voice immediately washed over me like a soothing balm. I knew I had been hard up for contact with him, but I didn’t realize I was this desperate for it. Just his voice set my soul at ease. The tension in my body melted with each breath of his I could hear.
“Hi,” I breathed. My body’s reaction to him was out of my control.
“It’s been a while.”
“I know. What’s up?” I pulled myself together and cut to the chase. I needed to know why he was calling me. My heart was leaping around in my chest, fluttering around, thinking it could be because he realized how much he cared about me. Even someone as broken as me couldn’t help but believe in fairytales.
“I’m not sure,” his voice drifted off before coming back. “I’m not sure why I
called actually. I really just wanted to talk to you… to hear your voice.”
“Mack.” I had nothing else to say to that. The bottom of my stomach had dropped out at his admission. What did this mean?
“I was at the hospital today and heard your name over the pager system. I tried to wait around so I could talk to you, but we got a callout and had to leave. I’ve wanted to see you for a while now. Every time I’ve been at the hospital I hoped I’d run into you and turns out I was disappointed every time. Today, though, it wasn’t about me wanting to see you. It was me needing to see you.”
Holy shit. Was this for real? I almost pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t really dreaming.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I don’t either.” He let out a heavy sighed.
We sat in silence for several moments listening to the other breathe. Even though it should have been awkward, it was strangely comforting.
“Can I see you?” He finally asked. My hand flew to my mouth in disbelief. This was really happening. Did I want it to happen? An angel on one shoulder shook its head no, while the devil on the other nodded yes.
“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. Nothing’s changed from our last conversation.” There was no way I could allow myself to be vulnerable to him again, when in the end I’d meet the same fate of loneliness and heartache.
“I’m not so sure about that,” he said pointedly.
“What do you mean?”
“It means I’d really love to see you tonight. We can do whatever you’re comfortable with—a walk, a drive, a drink. I’ll meet you anywhere. Just say you’ll give me a chance.”
“There’s a coffee shop around the corner. I’ll meet you there in an hour,” I answered without thought. I owed it to myself as well as him to hear what he had to say. I would always look back and regret it if I didn’t. I was so done with wanting to erase the past and undo bad decisions, which meant making the right decisions for me.
“Thank you.” The relief in his voice was stark. “I’ll see you soon.”
The phone disconnected and for a brief second, I stared at it completely dumbfounded by this change in events. Then I squealed like a young girl and bounded up the steps to get ready to see Mack.
* * *
The door to the coffee shop swung open and a man exited as I was reaching for the handle.
“Excuse me,” I mumbled as I squeezed past him.
Inside the doorway, I lifted my head and searched the room. When my eyes landed on Mack, I froze. He looked better than I remembered, and I thought I remembered everything—his strong hands; his beautifully built physique; the cadence of his voice when he commanded my body; the heat in his eyes when he took my naked body in; the smirk that set my blood on fire. All that paled in comparison to the way he looked in that moment. It was as if I spent the last eight weeks in the desert, and he was the biggest drink of cool water I could find.
Forcing my feet to move, I weaved through the tables. As I approached the table he chose by the window, he stood to embrace me. When his strong arms wrapped me up tight and didn’t let go for a long time, I felt my body melt into his. Being this close to him just felt right—like everything was as it should be.
“Hey you,” he whispered in my ear before pulling away. The loss of his heat left me feeling bereft, but somehow I managed a smile for him.
We settled into our seats across from each other. The table was small enough where I could reach out and touch his hands if I wanted to. And I really did want to. Instead of threading my fingers through his, however, I fisted them in my lap. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this nervous about something. I didn’t know what to do with the edgy feeling coursing through my body.
“You look good,” he commented. I reflexively smoothed my hair down—a nervous gesture of mine.
“Thank you. So do you,” I told him sincerely.
He leaned across the table, closing the distance between us and took one of the hands from my lap in his. The skin on skin contact had a shudder going through my body.
“I missed this,” he said as his thumb ran back and forth over my knuckles.
“Is this for me?” I picked up a cup of hot cocoa that sat in front of me—my favorite. I had to focus on something other than him touching me, otherwise I would make a fool out of myself when I pounced on him.
He nodded. His eyes studied my face, never staying on one spot for too long. I wondered what he was looking for. Would he see the longing in my eyes? Could he sense the desperation seeping out of every pore of my body now that I was this close to him?
“How have you been?”
“Okay. Busy. Now that Ted Yates is behind bars, I’ve been making up for lost time with volunteering. There were a lot of relationships that I formed with the women I’ve counseled, so I was anxious to get back to them.”
“I can imagine.” He paused and seemed to weigh his next words carefully. “Any men keeping you company these days?”
“No,” I said quickly, my eyes not meeting his as I remembered the way I left Dean’s house not two weeks ago.
“No?” He questioned.
I shook my head and took a sip of my hot cocoa.
“I drove by your house on New Year’s Eve. I was hoping we could talk, but it didn’t look like you were home. I just assumed.”
Life is a series of near misses and almosts. You might not always realize it, but when you do, you realize how bad it sucks. How many times had we been so close to running into each other? If either of us had done something differently over the last two months, we could have been together again. Instead, we were miserable and alone—or at least I was and evidence was pointing to Mack feeling the same way.
“I was home,” I admitted sheepishly. I’m sure I looked pathetic sitting at home by myself on a major holiday. “Wh… what did you want to talk about?” I stuttered my words, feeling like a world-class idiot for not being cooler, but I was completely terrified not knowing where the conversation was going. It would have been nice if I had some warning as to whether or not he was going to mend my heart or break it even further.
“I want a second chance.”
“At what?”
“With you.” He gave me an uneasy smile that showed a self-consciousness I wasn’t used to seeing from him. “I meant it when I said some things have changed.”
“But people don’t change,” I reminded him.
“I didn’t say I changed.” Oh… well then. There went the wind out my sails. “I said things have changed. I want to spend more time with you. See where this goes. I know you still care about me. I see how affected you are by me. Is there hope for me?”
“It’s all fun and games until someone goes and falls in love,” I mumbled. Wasn’t this just great. I was in love with him, and he just wanted to spend time in my presence and not worry about where things would go. I already knew what I wanted. I wanted him, irrevocably. I wanted to free him of the baggage weighing him down so we could have a real future.
“I can’t give you what you want, Megan.” My stomach twisted violently. “I don’t know how to love anyone other than Ella. I know that isn’t fair to you and believe me it is the last thing I ever wanted to admit to you. Can’t we just take it one day at a time? Not have to put labels to it or worry about the future?”
I gave a small shake of my head and pulled my hand from his. All the optimism I harbored until that minute left my body, leaving me disappointed and on the edge of tears.
“Please,” he pleaded with me and forced his hand into mine again. “Do you want me to beg? Because I will. I’ll do whatever you need me to do in order to make this work. Just please don’t walk away, Megan. I need your spirit, your charm and your beauty in my life.”
“In order for us to make this work, you have to let me inside. You can’t hide the broken parts of you that I need to see. I know it hurts, but I need for you to open up to me and let me past your walls.”
“I don�
��t know if I can.” He swallowed hard, fear etched on his beautiful face. “But I promise I’ll try.”
At his words, I knew I was going to cave. How could I not? Regardless of how completely wrong this situation was—what with his proclamation of only being able to love his dead wife and all—or the fact that he repeatedly broke my heart, I still loved him and wanted him to have anything his heart desired. It might not have been the declaration of love I had initially hoped for. I could live with that since he told me he needed me. Maybe someday it could grow into love. None of it mattered though because I wanted him, and I knew he wanted me. We’d figure the rest out in the end.
“Okay,” I said in a low voice.
At first I wasn’t sure if he heard me—it was barely a whisper to my own ears thanks to the blood rushing through them—but then his mouth took mine in a bruising kiss. His hands under my arms pulled me out of my seat, around the table and onto his lap.
“Excuse me, you’ll have to take that elsewhere.” It was only when a waitress stopped to chastise us that we finally came up for air.
His forehead pressed to mine, our breaths mingled as we struggled for air. “Let me come home with you,” he breathed.
“Yes,” was the only response I needed before Mack promptly lifted me from his lap and dragged me out the door.
* * *
“I want to play,” I said against his lips as we stumbled through my front door, a tangle of limbs and tongues.
The sultry gaze he sent my way made my insides clench in anticipation. It had been far too long since we had slaked this lust together. He pulled away to get a better look at my face. “You sure?”
I took a step back, stopped at the foot of the stairs and held my hand out in a silent invitation; one that he took without qualm.
Upstairs we took our time undressing each other. The earlier rush to get naked was replaced with a slow, sensuous exploration of one another, driven by our necessity to reconnect. My fingers mapped each plane of his chiseled chest and abs. My hand gripped his erection—my thumb sweeping across the sensitive head—before running around and gripping his ass, pulling him tightly to me so we were pressed together from head to toe.
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