Anyone But You

by Brien Michaels

  The line went dead. For the last time.

  He wanted to slit his wrists. To jump into the bay. To run out into traffic and let someone else end his suffering. But he couldn’t do any of that. He wouldn’t. Then they would win. His parents, and their friends, and everyone like them who’d ever thought someone like him shouldn’t exist. That people like Ryan should be rounded up and taken out by a firing squad. And he wasn’t about to let that happen. So he wiped his tears away and stood up tall. He was going to get through this. Even though now he was alone. He was going to be all right.

  He requested his ride. And he went to work.

  Jack had barely sat down at his desk and already he wanted to go back home. He’d known coming had been a bad idea, but what was the alternative? Being depressed at home? At least here he was more or less surrounded by people who wouldn’t let him do anything stupid. And, probably most importantly, if he was at the office, he ran the chance of seeing Ryan one last time before his life went completely to shit.

  The truth was that Jack didn’t have another job lined up yet. When he walked out at the end of the day, he didn’t know what was waiting for him. Yeah, quitting was stupid, but he couldn’t just stay and continue making both of them miserable. The thought of simply breaking off their relationship and staying at the firm had crossed his mind more than once, but he didn’t think he’d be able to do it. He knew Ryan too well. Cared about—loved?—him too much to put them both through that. No way he’d be able to stay away if both of them were still in the same place, so better to just make a clean break.

  But it was hard doing that when he remembered how he’d been sitting right here when he’d sent that first text to Sheila. He’d spent most of that morning pacing, trying to decide whether reaching out to the drag queen was a good idea. The butterflies fluttering against the walls of his stomach had nearly stopped him, the thought of getting off with Sheila—Ryan—being a freak, one-time thing terrifying. But great ideas have a way of coming back and sticking with you. And his entire life had changed.

  Now, with weeks between then and now, had it really been so great? If he’d never sent that text, he wouldn’t be sitting here wishing he was anywhere else, with what was left of his heart threatening to explode. But he wouldn’t change what had happened for the world. Ryan had opened Jack up to parts of himself that he’d been terrified to explore. And if that wasn’t worth a little pain, what was?

  He toyed with the idea of pulling out his phone and texting Ryan one last time, begging him to give him another chance, because what did he have to lose? But at that moment his secretary walked in.

  “Mr. Kieza?”

  “Yes.”

  “You have a visitor.”

  Jack resisted the urge to raise an eyebrow. He wasn’t expecting anyone. All his clients had already been transferred to new attorneys and, though he was supposed to be boxing up the rest of his belongings, the movers weren’t coming until later in the day. “Send them in, please.”

  His stomach roiled when Cal appeared in his doorway. A ferocious kind of happiness filled him at the sight of black and blue—there were those colors again—bruises painting his cousin’s face, and the slight wince as he waited at the door, Jack’s bisexuality an apparent repellant he couldn’t yet get past.

  Jack wasn’t about to pretend he wasn’t happy to see Cal had finally gotten his ass beat. But Jack shouldn’t have been the one to do it. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked, not bothering to hide his snarl or the contempt in his voice.

  Cal swallowed, another action that seemed to cause him physical pain. But there was something else there too. “Can I come in?”

  “No. Whatever you have to say to me you can say right there. And then get the hell away from my office.”

  “I didn’t do it,” Cal said, chewing the corner of his mouth, gaze cast in the direction of the floor.

  “Didn’t do what?”

  “What I said I did. The reason you beat the shit out of me. I didn’t do it.”

  “The hell are you talking about?”

  Cal stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Jack stood up, outrage curling his hands into fists. “You’ve done enough damage already. I’m warning you. Get the fuck out of here or so help me God—”

  “Just sit down and shut up.”

  “What?” Jack’s face was hot and rational thought was slowly edging itself out of his brain. The rage from last night started to return. “Do you want to—”

  “I’m gay.”

  The words died in Jack’s throat. He stood there stunned for a few seconds or what might have been a full hour before he said, “You’re what?”

  Cal looked at him straight on, bottom lip quivering. He took a deep breath. “You heard me. I said I’m gay.” Jack fell back into his seat as his cousin stared at him. “I made it all up. Now can I please sit down?”

  Jack wasn’t sure if he believed it. But curiosity got the better of him, and he swept his arm out, inviting Cal into the seat across from him.

  “I’m sorry,” Cal said, suddenly refusing to meet Jack’s eyes. “I shouldn’t have hit you. I just . . . I couldn’t let you say what you said and not do anything because everyone would have started asking questions. But I deserve what I got, and I’m sorry.”

  Jack asked the first question that came to mind. “How long have you known?”

  Cal’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and he winced again. “High school. I, uh . . . I popped a woody in front of this guy after football practice one day, and he followed me into the locker room and blew me.” He shook his head. “Never even tried to push him off. I’d been wanting it forever, and then he finally did it and . . . I begged him to fuck me right there and then let him smash every chance I got after that.”

  Jack didn’t know where to start. So many questions he didn’t really want the answers to, but he’d probably ask any way. “If it’s been so long, why have you always been such a dick to me?”

  For the first time, there seemed to be shame on his cousin’s face. “I had an image. No one could know what I’d done, and the only way people wouldn’t suspect anything was if I kept being an ass to you. At least, that’s what I thought.” He coughed and winced. “Everyone always thought you were. And the shit they said about you, man . . . I didn’t want them talking about me that way.”

  “But you were fine joining in with them at my expense, huh?”

  “Look, I know I’m a piece of shit. That’s why I’m here. To apologize. For everything.”

  “And you think that’s just supposed to make it all okay?”

  “No. But I mean . . . it’s a start right?”

  “So what, we’re supposed to suddenly be a family now? After all this time? I wasn’t happy, but I was at least good with no one knowing. My mother disowned me this morning, all because you wanted to protect your fucking image!” He was on his feet now, shouting. He clenched his fists and slammed them on the desk. “My entire life is over,” he said through gritted teeth. “Maybe I would have been a little braver if you would have just fucking talked to me. Knowing that I wasn’t alone. That somebody had my fucking back. But now I’ve lost my family. I’ve lost the man that I love. I’m not going to have a job after today . . . I don’t have anything.”

  There were tears in Jack’s eyes again, but he didn’t care. Let people judge all they wanted. “My entire life, I thought I’d been born wrong. Like there was something disgusting about me. But if you’d just . . .” His voice broke and for a moment, he was at a loss for words. “If you’d just said something . . . I wouldn’t have felt so fucking . . . alone.”

  Cal was next to him then, pulling him into a hug. “I’m sorry, man.” There was agony in his voice, but whether it was physical or emotional, Jack didn’t know. “I am so sorry.”

  He didn’t know how long he stood there, crying into the shoulder of the man who’d made his childhood a living hell, but when he finally broke away, he collapsed into his chair. He didn’t have any ene
rgy left. Not to stand. To talk. Hell, he didn’t even know how he was breathing.

  Cal closed his eyes briefly. “I know there’s nothing I can say to make up for the things I’ve done, but I hope you can forgive me. That’s what I really came here to say.”

  Jack scoffed. “You’re pressing charges against me, and now you’re asking me to forgive you?”

  “I’m not. I only told them I was because they were pressing me, but I wouldn’t do that. Not after everything.”

  “Small favors, I guess.”

  “Look, I’m gonna talk to your parents.”

  “Don’t bother.” Yeah, it hurt that the rest of his family wanted nothing to do with him, but in the long run, it was for the best. He didn’t need people like that in his life.

  “Well, know that you have me. I know that I haven’t been, but whatever you need, whatever I can do . . . I’ll be there.”

  “I’ll believe that when I see it. But thanks.”

  Cal nodded. “I deserve that. But I mean it.” He was silent for a moment, then, “I have a doctor’s appointment, so I’m gonna get out of your hair, but you call me if you need me, yeah?”

  “Sure.”

  “I mean it.”

  “Okay.”

  And then Cal was gone, and suddenly even less of Jack’s life made sense than when he’d woken up that morning. But if Cal really meant what he’d said, then at least he wasn’t by himself. Besides that, something else good had come of the visit. Courage bubbled in Jack, and he needed to take advantage of it before he lost his nerve. He had to talk to Ryan. Face-to-face.

  And this time, he wasn’t taking no for an answer.

  Ryan massaged his temple as he reread the same line for the fourth time. He’d gone down the entire page, but when he’d gotten to the end, he’d realized none of the information had stuck and he’d started over. He tossed the paper to the side of his desk and pressed the heel of his hands against his eyes. He was completely useless today. The hangover was bad enough, but the grief of losing Dolly had made him totally stupid. He couldn’t even get up and walk around, because he’d been hiding in his office since he’d gotten there so he wouldn’t run into Jack, and now he was going stir-crazy.

  His door banged open and when he looked up, Jack came into focus. Ryan ignored the tiny flip of his stomach and the flutter of his heart, and forced what he hoped was a cold expression onto his face. “Can I help you?”

  “Don’t do that to me.” Jack sounded breathless, like he’d run up the hall. And why were his eyes all red?

  “Excuse me?”

  Jack closed the door behind him. “I’ve lost everything. My family. My job. My dignity. I’m not about to lose you too.”

  “This is not the place.”

  “Fuck that.” Jack took a step forward. “You won’t take my calls. You don’t answer my texts. The only reason I haven’t shown up at your door is I didn’t think you’d answer it. So you tell me, Ryan. When is the time? Because when I walk out of this building today, you’re never going to let me see you again.”

  “I don’t want to see you.”

  “But I want to see you. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t . . . I can’t function. I stood at my birthday party the other night hoping you were going to show. And you didn’t.” Another step. “I beat the shit out of my cousin because he was talking about bashing a drag queen and all I could think about was you. And it made me sick.” Another. “I wanted to come to you after that and hug you . . . and kiss you . . . and protect you . . . but we’re not us. I wanted to be there for you when I heard about Dolly, but I didn’t think you’d answer. And I know that’s my fault. And that I’m a dumbass. But I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to fix myself. I want to be a better man for you. But I can’t do that without you. Without us. Because you help me be a better man. And I want to be there for you. With you. Whatever comes next.”

  Ryan’s lip trembled. He wouldn’t let himself cry. Wouldn’t let the words he’d been wanting to hear for the last two weeks make him more vulnerable than he already was. So he pushed his emotions to the side. “You lost your chance.”

  Another step. “No. I haven’t. And you know I haven’t. Because if I told you that I wanted to fuck you right here and right now, you’d drop your pants and let me.”

  Ryan snarled. “I don’t keep drag in my office.”

  “Do I look like I give a shit?”

  Ryan’s breath hitched. Now his stomach felt like it was curling in on itself and his cock was stiffening. “W-what?”

  Another step. “Is that what it’s going to take to prove to you how I feel about you? That I’m going to be better?” Jack closed the rest of the distance between them. God, he was so close Ryan could smell his cologne. He’d missed that delicious smell, and he had to swallow his inner slut before he really did drop to his knees and blow the man in front of him here and now. “I’m willing to risk any future I have working in this town to show you. Because I already told you how I feel. You thought the drag in the bedroom meant that I didn’t want you for you. And now I’m ready to show you that I do. I didn’t before, and I made you feel like you weren’t good enough. But you always were. You were more than enough. And I’m ready to be the man for you.”

  “This is a place of business, Jack,” he breathed.

  “I don’t care.”

  “But I do. One of us still has to come in here Monday morning.” Ryan looked around. “Now will you please back up before someone sees you?”

  Jack cast a glance toward the door. He truly looked like he didn’t give a single fuck whether someone saw them or not. But then he went around the other side of the desk and sat down.

  Ryan took a moment to compose himself, then asked, “Why should I believe you?”

  “Come feel how hard my dick is and then tell me.”

  “Damn it, Jack! Not everything is about sex.”

  “No, but this is.” Jack tilted his head and gave Ryan the full weight of his gaze. “Every other part of our relationship was great. You only broke up with me because I couldn’t fuck you without the wig on.”

  “‘Broke up’? You talk like we were actually dating.”

  “Oh cut the shit,” Jack said, smiling playfully. “You were my boyfriend and you fucking know it. Every day I saw you. Went out of my way to spend time with you. Took you on dates. Cuddled you while we slept. I’ve never cuddled with anyone. So don’t you stand there and tell me that we weren’t dating.”

  Jack had a point, but Ryan wasn’t about to tell him that. He wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. Not yet. “Okay, maybe we were.”

  “No. Not fucking maybe. You were my guy. And I was yours. And now I’m sitting here in your office, hard as a rock and ready to at least try to give you what you’ve been asking me for all along.” Jack shook his head. “This stopped being about just sex for me a long time ago. But sex was the problem that broke us up, so I’m hoping that that’s what’s going to put us back together. Because I love you. And if you care about me as much as I care about you, these last two weeks have been hell for you, too. I’ll do whatever I have to do to stop that and get you back. Or I’m at least going to try.”

  Ryan had heard every word Jack said, but one thing kept playing over and over again in his mind.

  “I love you.”

  He wanted Jack to say it again, but he was afraid to ask in case he’d imagined it.

  Jack seemed to read him. “You heard me. I love you. I love Ryan Andrew Swift, I love Sheila kick-you-in-the-balls Saltue . . . I love you. I know that I hurt you, but you mean too much to me to just let you walk away without giving it my all.” He stood up, and now he was closing that space again. “So what do you say, baby boy? Are you gonna take me back?” He grabbed Ryan by the tie and pulled him into the corner of the room, out of view of the windows, so it was just the two of them, alone at last. “Or are you going to make me beg for it?”

  Ryan stared at him for a moment. He closed the distance between t
hem a fraction of an inch. He shouldn’t want Jack so badly. Shouldn’t need his touch. But he’d been strong for too long. So he gave in.

  Jack brought their mouths together. Gently. Already, Ryan couldn’t breathe as he melted into the kiss. God, how he’d missed this. Jack’s hard body pressed against him, not to mention his dick flirting with Ryan’s waist. He never wanted it to end—this was what his life had been missing, and now that it had come back, he’d be damned if he was going to let it go again.

  Jack’s hands fumbled with Ryan’s belt, and Ryan tried to pull away, but Jack switched their positions and pushed him gently into the wall. He undid the belt, then the button, and shoved Ryan’s pants down. Before Ryan could protest, Jack dropped to his knees and kissed the head of Ryan’s cock. He licked from the base of the balls all the way up to the tip before turning him around and burying his face between Ryan’s cheeks. Ryan let his eyes flutter closed as Jack tasted him, the sensation rolling over him with all the subtlety of an atom bomb. Jack hadn’t done this nearly enough and, as Jack urged his tongue inside him, Ryan stifled a moan.

  Jack alternated for a few moments between teasing and thrusting. Ryan was so hard he was surprised he hadn’t shot his load already. This was the closest they’d come to sex out of drag, and Ryan wanted it to go on forever, which is why when Jack’s tongue disappeared and his pants came back up, Ryan nearly screamed. But then they were face-to-face again, and Jack was kissing him, sharing his own flavor with him. When Jack pulled away this time, Ryan followed him, eyes still closed and lips poised for more.

  “Nuh uh uh. That was just a preview of what’s to come,” Jack said. Ryan’s eyes snapped open to find Jack grinning at him devilishly. “See you later, boss.” He turned to leave, but stopped with his hand on the doorknob. He jerked his head in the direction of Ryan’s hard-on. “And you better not do anything about that. I’ll take care of it when I see you again.” He winked and disappeared out into the hall.